As happy as your saddest child

[littlebillie]

I have a few difficult conversations to have with my DS, first world disappointments which are not life changing. But I feel so sad for him, as it's not his fault.

Someone said to me recently your are only as happy as your saddest child. I definitely feel like this at the moment ☹️

AnyFucker he is well at the moment (working part-time, learning to drive) but if he becomes under stress or pressure he is at risk of becoming ill again.

He really wants to go to university this September, so we applied for DSA which will fund weekly meetings with a specialist mentor to reduce the risk of him becoming overwhelmed.

How old is he ?

I have always encouraged him to aim to do certain things each day, however unwell he is feeling: shower, get dressed, eat regular meals, leave the house at least once a day.

If/when he leaves home, I won't be there to chivvy him along in these things.

18

Does he get any other mental health support ? My son is currently just under the GP and just finished a course of CBT which he didn't find helpful.

We don't know where else to turn or what else is available. I suspect he doesn't disclose how bad he is feeling to the gp and he absolutely insists I cannot attend with him.

Sorry for hijack, I should start my own thread really. Still in a bit of denial about how bad things are I guess.

He was getting a lot of support from CAMHS but is now just being followed up by the GP

Thanks

Possibly by understanding that detaching doesn’t mean not trying to support them in every way possible, but realising that your own emotions sometimes cloud, complicate and muddle things.
Like talking too much when you should be listening, you have to put your own feelings and stresses on hold.

This is a Daily Mail article (sorry) but it is relevant to this discussion.

I've got really choked up reading this thread. Currently. ...right now....my 3 DC (18,20,22) are ok but my heart has broken for them so many times and will again, of course.

Thanks for the link third I will read it later when I feel stronger. I'm struggling with my adopted teens.
19 yo, constant back pain, seeing consultants, constantly negative (was always her way anyway, has issues that overlap with aspergers) 3 year emotional rollercoaster even before this.
14yo, has lost her joie de vivre, partly due to the above, but a load of other stuff too.
I nearly cracked up around 2 years ago but detached. But DC2 needs me emotionally and DC1 medical issues need me, and I feel I have nothing left.

yes and no - I waiver.

had lots of issues with DS, to the extent it affected me. OTOH its very draining, I feel exhausted and irritated and totally hacked off by it - OTOH I feel sad that he is this way.

Other times though I feel its really not my fault, I've done what I can, he has to bear some responsibility and finally also to accept him the way he is. On a good day I will think its time I enjoyed life and I will, no matter what!

Ah it's shit.
Ds is struggling and sad, if I try and support him then there's two of us depressed.
If I back off, I am a bitch and wracked with guilt.

Yup agree 100%, the ups and downs are completely draining!

That's just so true.

I naively thought that you put everything into your kids, you get them to 18, hopefully into uni or on some worthwhile path, and then that's it, job pretty much done. Sit back and enjoy hanging out with the cool young adults you've helped create and look forward to grandkids in 10 years time.

Fuck me though; it just doesn't work like that. In lots of ways it's harder because their problems are bigger and there's less you can do to help. I find it quite exhausting to be honest. I have four kids between 24 and 12 and there's always someone hating their job or behind on their uni work or having their heart broken. DH seems to let it wash over him in a way that I just don't manage to.

Being a mother is for life.

slightly different situation here in that my dd's troubles were apparent at a very early age, physical disability/chronic pain by age 4, MH issues not much later

I never experienced that her problems were smaller when she was younger- or that I could fix them

the only thing I could do then is what I can do now: be there, listen, try to stay calm so she sees that there is nothing so bad that I cannot bear to hear it

and detach so she doesn't have to feel responsible for my mental health

the thing I feel saddest about, in a way, is not having been able to protect her young brother: his faith in his parents' ability to fix things was shattered when he found his sister after a suicide attempt

I think he has forgiven her, but he has lost his trust in the adult world

he is not behaving badly, he is a polite and law-abiding 18yo, affectionate to his family, but something is gone

Can identify with all this too and I should think I have done way too much over investment over the years, DS now 19 and DD 16 and very rarely have had the feeling of relaxing and thinking they are both ok!

I'm sure there is a lot to be said for staying loving and supportive but at the same time detaching and trying to lead your own happy(ish) life, hoping that something will rub off on them. It's not easy.

I've been through seven years of hell, a third of DD's lifetime, because of her mental health issues. It brought me down too but we've had a generally very positive year and it's been amazing.

I recommend the Young Minds charity to anyone who's in the same position. My family also paid for a private psychiatric assessment as I got nowhere with the NHS even after several suicide attempts. This helped pinpoint which therapist she needed.

I have no idea how to access a private psychiatrist for ds, he is too old for cahms.

My GP did the referral. Cost a fortune for the assessment, two hours, very thorough, nearly £400, but worth it. First person she really felt understood her.

For young people (men in particular seem to find it helpful, but there's no real reason why it would be just for them), Jordan Peterson's YouTube videos are surprisingly good.

He has a reputation for being a right wing propagandist but it's entirely unjustified. He had loads of stuff about personal responsibility and taking the reins to turn your life around (loads of unrelated stuff to pass over too). Lots and lots of young men say he's brought them back from a dark or extremist place and helped gain a better perspective and motivation on life.

Might not be anyone's cup of tea, but just thought I'd put it out there!

I know this is a bit of an old thread but am feeling really sad. My youngest DD who has been finding the social aspect of school incredibly difficult since secondary school. At first she loved it but as they get older and the 'drama' and 'cold shoulders' have started and she finds it upsetting and stressful, she's a simple soul and last term ended with her trying self harm. Luckily we talked and she knows this is not the way and thankfully she had summer to recuperate. Sadly, first week back and nothing has changed and she feels friends are giving her the cold shoulder. She is in year 8. I'm not sure whether this will all blow over (I really hope so) or whether I will need to intervene in some form. I just wanted to share my thoughts and the title of this thread resonated so much with me tonight