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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

18 year old dis doing sod all in the holidays

62 replies

Jalapenos4me · 29/07/2016 00:06

My DSS has finished his A Levels and upon results hopes to get a place at Uni. He does sod all every day and I think he should get himself a job to top up funds for Uni. I know he sits at his computer all day as I had to leave my job due to stress as I am getting divorced from his father, who treats him like a little boy most of the time, he is 19 in October!! My choice to leave work, but can't stand being in the same house as his son, who has the personality of a slug. Long long story, but why can't his father kick him up the arse to get out and earn some money? Sorry if this seems difficult to comprehend, but it's a very long and complicated story. Think I may write a book and make money that way!

OP posts:

BITCAT · 29/07/2016 11:38

Tbh if he is living in your house why is he not contributing to the household. My son is 17 he has been paying me rent since he started work. And your right I know many youngsters who are working and going to uni. Saving money especially during the holidays for extra spends whilst at college or to use towards driving lessons or a car. He needs to be contributing and I would put my foot down if I were you. If he isn't prepared to work then he should be helping around the house.

Original poster

Jalapenos4me · 29/07/2016 13:18

Bitcat, he is very immature, but I blame his father for not pushing him forward. Since my husband decided upon a divorce, I refused to do all the shopping and cooking. Now he cooks every night for himself and son, so his son is waited on hand and foot. I do not dare bring up the subject of his son contributing to the household as it will cause a major argument. He blames my dislike of his kids as the cause of the divorce. I have had to live with 2 late teens full time for 3.5 years and it does my head in tbh, not having any kids of my own. If I speak to his son about helping, he has a strop and argues with me. The atmosphere is awful. The house is up for sale now which upsets me as we have lived here 9 years. His children have ruined what was once a great relationship, but ultimately I have to blame husband for not supporting me. I bought this house but now won't be able to buy another one. Never ever will I marry again!

OP posts:

BackforGood · 29/07/2016 15:58

This really is about so much more than your dss not having work!

Original poster

Jalapenos4me · 29/07/2016 16:20

Back, yes I know believe me! I asked DSS earlier why he wasn't getting a job rather than sitting in his room all day. He just grunted. Doesn't like being confronted.. I will be glad to be rid of the lot of them. Yes there is so much more, but I just wish he had a backbone and stopped depending on Bank of Dad!

OP posts:

Original poster

Jalapenos4me · 29/07/2016 16:31

He will have a major reality shock when he goes to Uni, and not being prepped for it.....

OP posts:

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 29/07/2016 16:37

How long do you have to put up with this? If you're divorcing can't one of you move out?

That period when you're definitely separating but still living together is horrific! My XH said once "I'm just fed up with all the arguing" and I shouted at him "so why don't you just fuck off?!" Not my finest hour, but the stress really got to me.

My DS has got himself a summer job and he's really enjoying it. It has boosted his confidence and given him a reason to get up in the mornings! He was on the fence about working, but I happened to ask while I was out and about one day and got him an interview the next day at a local attraction. He's making new friends and gaining new skills while earning a pittance some money, but the money is the least of it.m working definitely benefits your morale as well as your bank balance.

Hassled · 29/07/2016 16:37

Money will be the only motivator - I said to my 18 year old that while we'd help with accommodation etc at Uni, we weren't funding his beer drinking and if he wanted a social life he'd need a job. That seems to have registered and he has started properly looking now.

Original poster

Jalapenos4me · 29/07/2016 17:12

Mark, I would love to move out now but can't afford to as not working currently. Husband won't move out due to his son still living here. At stalemate so have to wait til house is under offer. I've been through the stress you talk about but he just laughed in my face. It is horrific but at least we are talking. His son won't talk to me, he is the biggest stresser of all. He is a lazy sod with no ambitions, not my job to tell him otherwise. Why he hasn't got a summer job is beyond me, no get up and go whatsoever.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jalapenos4me · 29/07/2016 17:14

Hassled, that's up to his dad to motivate him, but I don't see any signs.

OP posts:

Artandco · 29/07/2016 17:14

Surely your divorcing husband, not your son? So you should be inputting 50% into him. Why can't you ask him what his plans are?

ssd · 29/07/2016 17:20

ds has been applying for lots of jobs and hasnt got one yet, its not as easy as when we left school

Original poster

Jalapenos4me · 29/07/2016 17:39

Artando, he is not my son, his father has turned him against me and he won't talk or listen to me. Lovely boy! His mother didn't want him anymore and I guess he has a grudge against women now?

OP posts:

Original poster

Jalapenos4me · 29/07/2016 19:32

Just asked husband why his son didn't have a job, and he shouted at me and called me an f'ing stupid woman. Told him to calm down. He wouldn't then retreats to his room. Eons away from when we first met. Always blames me for the arguments. Seeing his true colours now after 12 years. On the defence all the time. I am seething inside!

OP posts:

KoalaDownUnder · 29/07/2016 19:36

Ugh. His dad's doing him no favours. What a pathetic lack of work ethic from an 18-year-old man.

Leviticus · 29/07/2016 19:45

So you've given up work but he should get a job?

I agree that he should get a job but he's been given a pretty good argument against.

Leviticus · 29/07/2016 19:47

That sounds unsympathetic. I just mean that you'll struggle to win this argument when you're not working, regardless of why.

Sorry you're living in such a shitty situation.

flippinada · 29/07/2016 19:57

I think you're being hugely unfair to your DSS.

According to you, he's been thrown out by his Mum (why?) and is now stuck at home with two warring adults, one of whom has made it very clear they don't like him and openly resents his presence.

Leviticus makes a good point as well. Why is it ok for you not to work, but he's not allowed that luxury?

PortiaCastis · 29/07/2016 20:05

Dd is 17 and has a student job in a supermarket she's very lucky to have been taken on as they had a huge number of applicants. However she's not needed full time so some days still hibernates until lunchtime.

Original poster

Jalapenos4me · 29/07/2016 20:07

I haven't given up work, I need to find something very soon, it's not a luxury, i have been very depressed and need to earn money whereas his kid can't be arsed and does not know the value of money. Two totally separate situations

OP posts:

KoalaDownUnder · 29/07/2016 20:07

Really?!

The OP has left her job due to stress. And presumably has been working her whole adult life before that.

Her DSS is 18 and healthy, and choosing to sit around doing nothing.

You don't see the difference?

flippinada · 29/07/2016 21:17

I get that OP. But maybe your DSS is stressed out and miserable as well? He's just finished his A-levels and is hoping to go to university so must be expecting decent grades. That takes a lot of work so presumably he hasn't been lazing around doing nothing?

I appreciate that there may be stuff going on you haven't mentioned but based on what you've said, it doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong.

Original poster

Jalapenos4me · 30/07/2016 08:13

Flippinada, he has always been miserable., not one smile bone in his face. His mother is mentally ill so kicked him and his sister out when they were 15 and 17 respectively. I supported my husband to let them live here, and it's been a downward spiral since then. His sister had lots of jobs before starting university but this young man is a different creature altogether. He is not likeable and loses girlfriends as quick as he gains them. I did A levels too but was never as anal. Got on with life and lived abroad for 3 years to get life experience.

OP posts:

CuttedUpPear · 30/07/2016 08:20

not one smile bone in his face
He is not likeable

For all that I am in favour of teens getting off their bums and going to work and I know how lazy they can be (I am in the same position with a 19yo) I think you are being unnecessarily cruel about him. He's been thrown out of the family home once already, now his foundations are being torn apart again and you are saying things like this about him?

Original poster

Jalapenos4me · 30/07/2016 08:32

Common theme re father behaviour perhaps? Typical Mumsnet response from you, when you know about 1% of the history. He is an adult now and should respect people who have looked after him in troubled times. Goodbye Mumsnet.

OP posts:

NoahVale · 30/07/2016 08:44

goodness sake op.
try and listen to other's points of view.
or just keep your opinions on your ds to your self.
he Will get a sympathetic hearing

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