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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

18 year old dis doing sod all in the holidays

62 replies

Jalapenos4me · 29/07/2016 00:06

My DSS has finished his A Levels and upon results hopes to get a place at Uni. He does sod all every day and I think he should get himself a job to top up funds for Uni. I know he sits at his computer all day as I had to leave my job due to stress as I am getting divorced from his father, who treats him like a little boy most of the time, he is 19 in October!! My choice to leave work, but can't stand being in the same house as his son, who has the personality of a slug. Long long story, but why can't his father kick him up the arse to get out and earn some money? Sorry if this seems difficult to comprehend, but it's a very long and complicated story. Think I may write a book and make money that way!

OP posts:
flippinada · 30/07/2016 09:10

Bloody hell, poor lad - and his sister. Who wouldn't be miserable at the very least in those circumstances. I think he's done incredibly well to deal with all that and get A-levels, many wouldn't.

Try and have a bit more compassion.

Blu · 30/07/2016 09:12

Obviously things are very difficult for you at the moment OP, but this young man is not your problem. The really bad thing has already happened. You're divorcing and losing your house Sad. It isn't your problem if your DSS is shutting himself away with his computer and relying on his Dad for money, fit the next month and a half.

Let them get on with it.

Not your problem.

And from what you have told us, which is all we can go on, for a teen to have lived with a mother whose MH problems were severe enough for her to have chucked them out, into a household which quickly deteriorated into emotional disarray, and all this in the exam years, is a lot for teens.

I am sorry for the terrible situation you are now in, but don't stoke your stress over a problem which will not soon be yours. Why start a row with your H about it last night?

Woodhill · 30/07/2016 09:14

Yes same for me. I shouted at my ds when I came back from work. I try to leave him a list of jobs which amount to 30 mins normally.

Grausse · 30/07/2016 09:19

No wonder the poor lad is miserable and immature, what a dreadful 3 years he's had. Thrown out by his mother to live with someone who resents his existence and clearly loathes him.
It's a miracle he took his A levels and didn't go off the rails altogether.

pinkDEpanter · 30/07/2016 09:24

Completely understand your difficult living situation. I also understand that your DSS is not your cup of tea.

I've been depressed a million times over and I know how it affects me. I just feel like you've fixated on him being the problem rather than anything else.

Why would he be skipping around the house with a mum that's abandoned him and a step mum that's blaming him for everything that's going wrong in her life?

Just because you don't get along with him doesn't mean he is the problem in your life. If I were the boys parent I would be defending him too.

It's all temporary, why make your mental health worse fixating on something that won't be your problem soon.

As for only having 1% of the info, that's all you gave, you needed to rant, people can only communicate on what they know

Zxzx · 30/07/2016 09:28

OP, it's not your problem. I'd try not to worry about it. It sounds like an awful situation for all of you including the DSS. It seems like everyone is deeply unhappy.

Him slobbing about doesn't matter really. You are leaving soon.

stitchglitched · 30/07/2016 09:32

I remember your other threads over the years, you have always resented your stepchildren's very existence and their intrusion on your 'child free' marriage. You have been deeply unpleasant about them and whilst I am sorry that your marriage has ended I think that is an inevitable outcome when one partner hates the other's children.

Fabellini · 30/07/2016 09:41

Your dss seems to have had a hard time of it - between his mum and her mental health problems, his dad and stepmum at war, and his stepmum clearly hating him....it's no wonder he's lacking motivation at the minute.
You're divorcing his dad, you aren't interested in him, so mind your own business and leave him be. His dad makes his dinner? Good. At least one adult in his life is trying to show they care about him.
I think you'd be better served concentrating on getting better and finding a job for yourself, don't waste your energy on complaining about your dss.

DailyMailPenisPieces · 30/07/2016 09:54

Poor stepson. He's got a mentally ill motherand, was thrown out, and a stepmother who hates him.

You're not selling yourself OP - you sound cruel. You sound ignorant about teenagers and uncaring.

alltouchedout · 30/07/2016 10:10

Maybe your dss is depressed. It can't be much fun to have been rejected by his mother and to be living with a woman who dislikes him and doesn't want him around.

BITCAT · 30/07/2016 10:52

If feel this is a result of the father not backing her up over the years with the teenagers. If you don't have children then you simply aren't going to know how to deal with them and if the father hasn't been giving any support, then this is the result the child is the one who is resented along with the husband. My 14yo is already on the look out for part time work, she has already secured work experience once a week and is slowly drafting a Cv. Now an 18 almost 19 year old should be taking responsibility for himself and supporting himself to an extent and contributing in some way to uni and the household. How else will they learn?
His father is setting him on a path of reliance on others and should be encouraging him to seek work.
Regardless as to what the op thinks of him..she is correct in that he should be seeking work.

flippinada · 30/07/2016 11:39

It's good your daughter is looking for part time work BITCAT but I'm going to hazard a guess that her circumstances are somewhat different - presumably you're not planning to throw her out of her home at the first opportunity?

It's more difficult than it used to be for young people looking for summer work, and that's aside from everything else he's had to deal with. It also sounds like his self esteem and confidence are (unsurprisingly) very low.

Thank goodness one of the adults in his life is looking out for him. Cooking meals for someone is hardly setting them up for a life of relying on others.

BITCAT · 30/07/2016 12:16

Well no I still cook meals for my 17 year old but then he doesn't sit on a computer all day and he doesn't expect it. If he is out then he will gladly cook for himself when he gets back. He will muck in and help around the house and is seeking work. He had an interview Friday.
My kids haven't had it easy either, I split with their dad, their dad is useless and shouts rather than talks to them. They now have a stepdad but we work as a team. You can't keep using your past to excuse the future and at 18/19 he should be contributing more.
I can't help.thinking that the OP is getting the blame for something that she has had no help or support with. You can't dump 2 teenagers on someone and expect them to just know what to do and if the father has not supported her this is more more his doing than the OP's.

Zxzx · 30/07/2016 12:42

I haven't AS but I'm pretty sure I recognise the OP. It's of no surprise that the marriage hasn't lasted. It sounded as though everyone was very unhappy. I feel very sorry for the children. (Yes ... I know the DSS is an adult but he is still the child of the DH)

Other than wanting the house to herself I don't understand why the OP cares what the DSS does. It's not her problem.

flippinada · 30/07/2016 13:37

I hear what you're saying BITCAT. I just think this lad has had a particularly hard time of it and as a result may be less "mature" (not exactly the right word) than other 18 year olds. That's really not his fault though.

panegyricS1 · 30/07/2016 22:32

Bide your time. Eventually the house will sell and he'll go to university, and you won't need to have anything more to do with him or his father. Next time, avoid men with young kids given that you're not very maternal.

Original poster
Jalapenos4me · 30/07/2016 23:08

For the record, I have not posted on here before, as some say. I do actually care about the fact that SS doesn't have a job or any interests, otherwise I would not have written my post. I wanted advice not criticism. I loved my husband very much and it is breaking my heart that we are getting divorced. We had a wonderful time together with so many future plans. i did not happily choose to take on his kids, which has ultimately ruined us. I doubt whether that would happen again, given my age, and if I could turn back time, i should never have agreed to do so. Our marriage would have ended 4 years ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jalapenos4me · 30/07/2016 23:14

He has also slept with my once best friend, so I can't even confide in her. It hurts.

OP posts:
BITCAT · 31/07/2016 00:05

See noone knows what people have been through and attack without knowing. This lady just wanted someone to listen to her not attack her. She has given up.her job due to stress..so maybe have a heart and stop passing judgement when you are not living this ladys life. Sounds like a horrible nightmare to be in OP. Pm me if you want to chat ok.

Pendu · 31/07/2016 00:16

You call him a slug, you call him "his son" but yet he's 18 and you've been with your husband 12 years, so since this lad was just a 6 year old little boy ....

Don't you think he senses this kind of vibe ? I feel sorry for the lad, lazy or not. He's probably depressed.

Pendu · 31/07/2016 00:22

And I've just completed a diploma for uni in September - I'm burned out and have left my weekend job for the summer to recharge myself. Id be pretty thankful given the circumstances that he ploughed on through his a levels without much love or care Sad he's off to uni soon so maybe just let him have his computer time in peace - it's probably the only pleasure he's getting out of life atm.

And I would t blame a child for your marriage failure Hmm

I just want to give your husbands son a big hug Flowers

Original poster
Jalapenos4me · 31/07/2016 07:03

Pendu, lots of assumptions in your comments. For your information, the boy is lazy, apathetic, doesn't have any get up and go and found A levels a doddle. I am not blaming a child for our marriage failure, more the circumstance in which we found ourselves in, having to take on 2 full time. Now nearly 19 and 21. He wouldn't appreciate your hug and roses, he is not that kind of person. If he had a decent personality I would probably see eye to eye with him. However he doesn't. His father does nothing with him either, never encourages him to develop his social skills. Just lets him fester in his room all day,. Whose fault is that then?

OP posts:
Ragwort · 31/07/2016 07:10

This sounds like a horrible situation for ALL of you - clearly no one is happy. If I were you I would just concentrate on getting a new job, getting the divorce and finding somewhere else to live.

Teenagers can be incredibly lazy and entitled (I have one of my own!) and obviously this boy has had a lot of unhappiness in his life; yes, his dad should be doing more to encourage and motivate him but it's probably not going to happen so the best thing for you would be to move out as soon as practical.

mummytime · 31/07/2016 07:16

Sorry you do sound very unpleasant.

I have a lot of sympathy for your SS, who probably doesn't talk because he's trying not to provoke you more. He could also have mental health issues.

The sooner you are living elsewhere and everything the better for everyone.

blueskyinmarch · 31/07/2016 07:37

There is nothing wrong with an 18 year old having a lazy summer after exams. My DD 2 is the same age. She worked the previous two summers and saved so she could have this summer off. She worked so very hard for her exams and has really enjoyed having a relaxing break. She has been travelling and when at home spends lots of time reading, watching TV and listening to music. She will do chores if asked. I too have up work earlier in the year and have enjoyed pottering about with her because I like her and want to spend time with her before she moves 400 miles away to uni.

It doesn't sound like you like your SS at all OP and have no sympathy for his situation. His dad is cooking for him so you don't have to do this. What makes you think he isn't prepared for uni? Lots of youngsters go off to uni having never had a job or having to fend for themselves and quickly learn on the job as it were. He will be off soon enough.