18 year old dis doing sod all in the holidays

[Jalapenos4me]

My DSS has finished his A Levels and upon results hopes to get a place at Uni. He does sod all every day and I think he should get himself a job to top up funds for Uni. I know he sits at his computer all day as I had to leave my job due to stress as I am getting divorced from his father, who treats him like a little boy most of the time, he is 19 in October!! My choice to leave work, but can't stand being in the same house as his son, who has the personality of a slug. Long long story, but why can't his father kick him up the arse to get out and earn some money? Sorry if this seems difficult to comprehend, but it's a very long and complicated story. Think I may write a book and make money that way!

Who slept with your former best friend? I am assuming your H, not your SS?

You are in such a horrible situation, OP, and if your DH slept with your best friend, well that is a massive betrayal. It does sound as if you are fixating on your SS rather than the wider picture.

If your marriage is being dismantled, why is the behaviour of your SS your concern?

People have different personalities, we don't find them all attractive whether or not they are children. But I would be very surprised if the behaviour of a child / teen was not affected by the family history / situation of this boy.

It would be much better if he found himself a job or involved himself in activities. But in the context of everything else that is going on, maybe focus on your own health and wellbeing.

When you say you bought the house, were you already living in it and paying for it when your DH moved in? Has he been contributing to the mortgage? Will you be splitting your assets 50:50 on divorce?

OP, no one not even really bright kids find ALevels a 'doddle'. If he is heading to top grades then he was in his room studying a lot of the time not dossing about.

Jalapenos I'm really sorry (genuinely) to hear about your H and your best friend. No two ways about it, that is a massive betrayal (as Blu says) and must be so hard to try and come to terms with.

In the scheme of things does it honestly matter if your step son is lazing around after doing his A-levels? I understand you are hurting (and who wouldn't be) but it does seem like you are scapegoating him - the way you have described him is very scathing and it doesn't sound like he has done anything awful.

Wow. I understand there is more going on here than the issue mentioned in the OP, but I want you to know it is entirely normal for 18 year olds to do nothing in the summer before uni. Ds2 is currently in that position, and although he has worked part time for the last year, his job is termtime only so he is currently 'doing nothing' and enjoying the novelty. There will be so much on his plate once he is at uni and for years afterwards as he works to establish a career, maybe support a family. Give the boy a break!

Although I do sympathise with you a bit. I have three teens and a 20 yo and they can all, at times, drive me to despair. When you don't have children or only have little ones you think so much more highly of teenagers. You imagine them becoming adults, doing things for themselves, interacting with you maturely, pulling their weight. Sometimes they do, a few even do so all the time, but the majority are at times also lazy, selfish, rude, demanding and seem like another species. You think 'I was never like that.'
Don't kid yourself. You probably were. Even if you weren't, that behaviour is entirely normal in teens. I do think you are projecting a lot of negativity on to your ss because of failures in your relationship.

Sorry but I am not an unpleasant person. I have supported his father through thick and thin for 12 years, only to get it all thrown back in my face. How dare you suggest that! His son has always been a weak individual. All I asked at the beginning of this post is that he should be looking for a job shouldn't he? Go take your miserable comments elsewhere. Now I know why so many people despise Mumsnet, there are some very evil people on here, who obviously don't have a life and like to destroy others.

But really why does it matter to you if he gets a job or not? i assume if you and your DH are in the process of divorcing then you are not funding him in any way and won’t be once he is at uni. If is dad isn’t bothered about him not working why should you be? What i am reading is that you are now at home all day as you are not working and you are annoyed by him being there as you are not fond of him. This is fine but you don’t have to be horrible calling him weak with the personality of a slug. That is really nasty.

Look OP. You've been foul about your stepson am the way through this thread and seem to have precisely no insight into how you come across. Calling your stepson "weak" (repeatedly) and saying he has the personality of a slug is rant unkind. Unless he's done something truly awful that you haven't mentioned I can't see what he's done to deserve this, apart from exist.

If sounds like this young man has had a traumatic upbringing and done well for himself (so far) despite all the obstacles put in his way. He sounds the very opposite of weak.

I like electriflyzappers last post above, it made me smile!

Your comments to other Mumsnetters are deeply unpleasant, you may not agree with peoples' opinions but do you really expect we should all come on here and say 'oh, poor you, what a terrible life you have, your DSS sounds awful and we fully sympathise with you'. .

Mumsnet is well know for robust conversations with plenty of good advice and comments from women who have dealt with similar experiences - you may not agree with all the comments but surely they are worth reading and thinking about - if you can't accept that then head off to Netmums or wherever.

I've got four teens and our house is always full of them and their friends, and IME it is perfectly normal for them to have a lazy summer between finishing full time education and starting university.

OP, he is his father's responsibility and you obviously dislike him, so why waste your energies worrying about what he should or shouldn't be doing? You will never see eye to eye on this or anything else.

You think his miserable lazy son contributed to the failure of your marriage. They blame your unkind demeanour. At this point, they are not going to listen to your criticism, even if you couched it as well-meaning concern.

He has chosen his child over his marriage and no-one here knows whether that was the right thing to do or not, but it's done. You need to emotionally distance yourself, look after yourself and try to see this thing through.