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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Completely and utterly worn out with teen tantrums

77 replies

moomoo1967 · 06/12/2014 21:29

.....give me the terrible twos any time ! It has been every day after work, before I have even had time to sit down or to get a cuppa or any food. Today's one was because she couldn't log onto the WIFI after we had a supplier change. Quite a few swear words so her phone was confiscated. She asked for her fone back after about two hours which I gave back to her but only because I had taken the Sim out of it. It is so hard especially as our house is so small that there is nowhere to get away from it all. Also no one to take the strain as I am the only parent.
There were a few parents discussing the fact that their DC tend to play up when there is a full moon, worth researching maybe but I doubt much we can do about it. Please tell me it gets better ?

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Passmethecrisps · 06/12/2014 21:32

As a secondary teacher I have no scientific evidence of the impact of the full moon or a high wind but I certainly have enough experience of staff rooms full of people commenting to think there might be something in it Grin

My Dd is little but from a teacher perspective it usually does get better. Between 13-15 is typically the worst then they burst out their chrysalis all better.

Worth sticking around for as that is when their wings show all the lovely stuff you have given them. Bloody hard work though.

Wine until then?

apotatoprintinapeartree · 06/12/2014 21:36

Hello, it does get better.
Well with boys anyway they usually love their mums again when they leave school and all that goes with it.
I don't know about girls yet as dd is 10 and similar to yours, without the swearing. I'm sure given time though....
FWIW, the relationship you gain after all the tantrums is second to none, I feel so close to my sons now and I can't help but admit the time/space away helps a lot.
Your dd has nobody else to take it out on except you, and the saying goes "You hurt the ones you love, the most".
I have no suggestions as to where to go because its winter and dark.
Can you lock yourself away in the bathroom with some earphones?

ANLBXX · 06/12/2014 21:37

My dd is 13 and has been horrific today

Original poster
moomoo1967 · 06/12/2014 21:49

thanks the comments so far have given me some hope. I usually go upstairs to my room but she has started following me there so I may have to resort to locking myself in the bath room. I may keep my ipod charged up in there. Bloody hard work though and very wearing

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ANLBXX · 06/12/2014 21:56

Yes I agree me and hubby are drained with it it has been too much today

Passmethecrisps · 06/12/2014 21:57

I would avoid locking yourself in the bathroom. It's your bloody house! How would she respond if you followed her the same way?

Try to pick a calm moment and explain that in tough times when you are both cross you both need space and she must respect that. Set a time limit so she knows that you will come out after an agreed time so she doesn't lose the rag

Original poster
moomoo1967 · 06/12/2014 21:58

and definitely wine passmethecrisps. She had plans to go to a mates house tonight, part of me thought "no you are grounded!" but then I thought well at least it will give me a couple of hours to recharge. She still hasn't got her sim card back though.

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Passmethecrisps · 06/12/2014 22:00

That's fair enough. Compromise and pick your battles.

How is she at school? It can be reassuring (if pretty galling) to know that she is capable of holding it together on certain situations

mineofuselessinformation · 06/12/2014 22:06

Make a plan in your head - three stages of consequences.
First stage, minor stuff, apology offered when asked (and meant sincerely), all ok.
Second stage, more serious or first stage not sorted, deprive her of something for 24 hrs. Apology still needed to recover what's lost.
Third stage, something pretty unforgivable (violence, extreme swearing, deliberate breaking things), she loses something for a week. Still needs to apologise to get it back.
When you have decided, tell her about it - and stick to it even if you continue to get an ear-full about it... All that means is she doesn't get it back yet.
Its a hard road, especially on your own. Having a set plan in your head is easier than trying to decide what to do on the spur of the moment when you're upset.
Sympathies.

mineofuselessinformation · 06/12/2014 22:07

And I forgot to say, in my case, turning off the wifi usually results in pretty swift compliance!

Original poster
moomoo1967 · 06/12/2014 22:10

She is respectful and well behaved, apart from the odd cheekiness said with good humour. I have had not problems or calls from teachers re her behaviour. Someone else said that the girl she is with me is not the person she really is but it is very hard to keep that in mind when the going gets tough

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Original poster
moomoo1967 · 06/12/2014 22:12

mineofuselessinformation - what would you class as extreme swearing. The only reason I ask is because I am terrible myself but they do say that people who swear are more honest Wink but obviously I know how to behave in polite society. I have never had any accounts of her swearing at school so I feel she is obviously pushing the boundaries with me

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Original poster
moomoo1967 · 06/12/2014 22:13

re the WIFI if she has her phone then that has its own net connection but yes the thought did cross my mind.

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Original poster
moomoo1967 · 06/12/2014 22:14

I suddenly thought the other day why on earth should I give you £20 pocket money a month AND pay for your mobile when you are treating me like shit. So stopping the pocket money may be the next thing after Xmas if this carries on.

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Passmethecrisps · 06/12/2014 22:18

She is letting you see herself warts and all because she knows that you won't push her away. The way she is at school is all the good, positive stuff you have given her and is a window into what she can be with you when she feels secure enough.

I like the suggestion of mine as often this behaviour reflects insecurity and setting clear boundaries eases this.

Pick your battles
Seek support from wherever it may come
Look through photo albums to remind yourself of the fanatic job you are doing
Agree with her that her life is annoying and frustrating and sometimes shit. And so is yours so you are a team

Original poster
moomoo1967 · 06/12/2014 22:19

She did apologise before she left and said can we talk about it in the morning so I am trying to write things down now, so thanks for the suggestions

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mineofuselessinformation · 06/12/2014 22:23

It has to be your choice, but for me, it would be calling me a cunt or telling me to fuck off.
It's not really about what I think though, but your own limits of what you think is acceptable.
But, as I said, sit her down in a calm moment and tell her what you've decided if you're going down that route.
As pp have said, I got the brunt of dd's behaviour yet she could be simply charming to everyone else. For the record, she's now absolutely lovely, so she did get through it!Smile

Original poster
moomoo1967 · 06/12/2014 22:25

oh those have been said ! for me it wasn't a swear word that hurt me it was her calling me fat.

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mineofuselessinformation · 06/12/2014 23:06

If you think it's said to deliberately hurt you, then it's number 3?
As I said before, it's how you feel.
I'm not suggesting it's a magic answer, but for me it really helped to have decided beforehand so I could then follow through.

Original poster
moomoo1967 · 07/12/2014 14:23

I feel a tad better after having had some peace last night. I have asked her to think of 5 things she would do differently in the home if she could and we are going to have a chat after our Roast lunch later

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Original poster
moomoo1967 · 07/12/2014 18:49

what am I supposed to do ? She is refusing to go to school tomorrow unless I give her her sim card back. I am not being blackmailed like that but I can hardly call the school and say she is refusing to go can I ?

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mineofuselessinformation · 07/12/2014 18:54

Yes you can - and tell her you will do it if she's not up and out on time.
She's upped the ante because you're standing firm and she doesn't like it.

But you don't like how she's behaving, so fair's fair after all.
Try not to let it get to you - recognise it for the teenage drama it is, and remember she can only win this if you let her.

Passmethecrisps · 07/12/2014 18:54

Yes you can. Do exactly that. Don't rise to it

outtolunchagain · 07/12/2014 18:55

Yes you can , she is banking on you not doing this, call her bluff .My bet is that she will go because she won't want to lose face at school.How old is she ?

Original poster
moomoo1967 · 07/12/2014 19:04

She is 14, I have just come up to my room so she cannot see me crying. All my family live up North so apart from a couple of mates in RL I am on my own. She has been fine all day, and has just said this now. She has obviously been talking to someone about it as she has just said if she wants to that she can leave home to choose who she lives with over the age of 12. When she came back from her friends I asked if she wanted to carry on living here or move up to Grandmas and she said to live here. So I said well you need to think of 5 things you think we should do differently and we will chat later and try to move forward, then this

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