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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU to think my husband should take the day off

76 replies

DayOff21 · 10/08/2021 13:05

I agreed to help out DH today by looking after DSS, 7 whilst he was working.

However, I made it clear that I had quite a bit on today that I'd have to drag DSS along to!

DSS says this morning that he feels unwell and said he wanted his Dad. Told DH and said he should probably come home to look after DSS as he wouldn't want to come out with me feeling poorly.

DH huffs about this saying can I not just cancel my plans as they aren't work (have an appointment and activity with our joint DC).

He did come home but he's made me feel guilty for not cancelling my own plans.

AIBU to think it was right that he should come home when his son is unwell and asking for him when he knows I needed to go out today. Surely as a parent you have to accept that sometimes you may be in the position to have to do this?

OP posts:

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Original poster

DayOff21 · 10/08/2021 13:07

To add the group I was going to with our DC was already paid for and I was due to give a lift to another mum and her DC

OP posts:

FlorenceNightshade · 10/08/2021 13:09

Of course he should have come home!

parietal · 10/08/2021 13:11

if he has an ordinary job & can take time off, then yes he should

if he is an NHS surgeon and taking a day off means cancelling lots of patients, then the ill DC would just have to manage to come on the trips.

willithappen · 10/08/2021 13:13

Depends what your plans were and how easily you could have changed them? Were they just social plans?
Can your DH easily take time off or is it an inconvenience to his job if he does it last minute?

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/08/2021 13:13

His ill child, his job to be there.

Original poster

DayOff21 · 10/08/2021 13:14

He can take time off, he runs his own company so not even like he has to ask a boss. He is busy though, I appreciate that but it's one of those things surely!

I wouldn't have felt right dragging him out he was upset and saying he wanted his Dad

OP posts:

funinthesun19 · 10/08/2021 13:15

He’s the parent. He’s the one who should have to make the compromises, not the stepparent. Plus your joint child would have missed out on their activity and that wouldn’t have been fair.

Original poster

DayOff21 · 10/08/2021 13:19

One was a toddler group I go to with some other mums that I'd paid for, I then had a dentist appointment and I also have some items we need for the house on click and collect to pick up later

OP posts:

worrybutterfly · 10/08/2021 13:24

It's hard to know without knowing your DHs job. But in my opinion it should have been a discussion, in which you agreed what was best for DSS (not what's best for you).

Ultimately he is part of your family, and in the vulnerable situation of not feeling well with his mum not being there.

Its not really a case of 'DSS being ill shouldn't inconvenience me' but 'what can we do as a family to deal with the situation'

Original poster

DayOff21 · 10/08/2021 13:27

in which you agreed what was best for DSS (not what's best for you)

Yes and he was asking for his Dad.

OP posts:

worrybutterfly · 10/08/2021 13:40

@DayOff21

in which you agreed what was best for DSS (not what's best for you)

Yes and he was asking for his Dad.

Exactly. Which is why you were right to call his dad. However, your post is so focused on yourself.

In this situation I imagine my DH would say: 'I have some things I need to wrap up at work, but I'll be home ASAP' or 'I can come home but I'll need to pop back to work later'. This would be a compromise for both of us and I'd happily reschedule my plans fit in with it. So hopefully make it to the dentists but maybe missing the playgroup.

I wouldn't want to be rescheduling my plans to fit around DSS regularly. But as a one off when he's sick it wouldn't bother me.

funinthesun19 · 10/08/2021 13:46

in which you agreed what was best for DSS (not what's best for you)

Seeing at DSS will be at home with his father, I can’t see how it wouldn’t be what’s best for him.
And why shouldn’t op make a decision that is best for her?

Tigertealeaves · 10/08/2021 14:56

your post is so focused on yourself.

...and their other child? And mum and child who needed a lift?

I read OP's post as showing concern in several places for how DSS was feeling and what he wanted. I don't think OP is overly "focused on herself", she's just refusing to put herself and her DC second to her DH's convenience.

Gardenwalldilema · 10/08/2021 15:02

It depends a bit. If my role was SAHP and husbands business supported us all I'd probably sack off the baby group and just drag DSS to the dentist. But we don't know your circumstances so can't really comment.

Original poster

DayOff21 · 10/08/2021 15:03

I work part time 3 days a week.

OP posts:

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 10/08/2021 15:23

YANBU at all.

dreamingbohemian · 10/08/2021 15:31

I think you were unreasonable not to compromise

Of these three things:

Unwell child
DH work
Toddler group

Obviously toddler group is the least important. The toddler won't even miss it!

So I would have said can you be back in time for my dentist appointment to watch both kids and then do your collection on the way home

LadyCluck · 10/08/2021 16:17

YANBU at all
His child = his responsibility
Don’t offer again if he’s going to be like this. Personally if my child was sick, I would want to be the one looking after her.

RedMarauder · 10/08/2021 16:55

Your OH is being a dick.

Even if you ended up looking after your DSS for the latter part of the day, your OH needs to come home first and look after him. To show his eldest child he actually cares for him and because he is the child's parent not you.

There have been plenty of threads on MN about parents who didn't give a shit when the poster was sick as a child and the long term effects on that poster's relationship with them.

sassbott · 10/08/2021 18:33

Your DH is being a dick.
If I was at work (and the boss of my own company) and one of my children were unwell and asking for me, of course I would expect to come home and be there.
My partner is not their parent and I wouldn’t expect him to step in.

Tell him I’d he huffs again, you won’t step in again.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/08/2021 19:00

I’d have not expected DH to call into work saying he can’t attend as I wanted to go shopping and a toddler group. The dentist is easily rearranged.

candlelightsatdawn · 10/08/2021 19:09

Yess to some of these comments. Sense prevails I was starting to wonder.

Of course your not being unreasonable. DH child wanted their dad. He absolutely has a right to that as a sick child. Your DH is their parent. You need to parent.

Can anyone imagine the situation in reverse and people saying ohh DH you need to be considerate of mums works

Aquamarine1029 · 10/08/2021 19:12

Yet another man who expects his female partner to be the one to drop everything and look after his child.

Dgall · 10/08/2021 19:37

Honestly, I think it depends how long you've been together and how close you are to his son.
If you've been together for a number of years and you know his son well then I do think work comes before a toddler group and click and collect.
The dentist, I would have asked him to take an hour out.

Potatoy · 10/08/2021 19:48

He wanted you to put his son with someone else before your child. That's not on. If DSC won't or can't join in with your plans then he needs to look after him.

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