AIBU to think my husband should take the day off

[DayOff21]

I agreed to help out DH today by looking after DSS, 7 whilst he was working.

However, I made it clear that I had quite a bit on today that I'd have to drag DSS along to!

DSS says this morning that he feels unwell and said he wanted his Dad. Told DH and said he should probably come home to look after DSS as he wouldn't want to come out with me feeling poorly.

DH huffs about this saying can I not just cancel my plans as they aren't work (have an appointment and activity with our joint DC).

He did come home but he's made me feel guilty for not cancelling my own plans.

AIBU to think it was right that he should come home when his son is unwell and asking for him when he knows I needed to go out today. Surely as a parent you have to accept that sometimes you may be in the position to have to do this?

*You are seeing it as OH supporting me financially but you are not seeing me as supporting OH by being less childcare expenses, more security of who is looking after LO if they are sick (pretty much every other week) and I have arranged my days so it works around the days he sees DSC.

I'm not taking the paycut and who knows what it is doing for my career development for fun.*

Absolutely agree. I always find the mentality that the working partner is "supporting" the one at home looking after the kids quite insulting.

I would argue if 2 adults choose to have a child it is up to them to make choices for that child
They both have to consider the whole household because they chose to blemd families and become one household.
If they want a clean 'you do your kids, I do mine and neither of us has to budge if something affects the others children' arrangement then that's up to them. In that situation they still have to consider how that will work for the household logistically.

The fact is that clearly enough people don't bother to discuss how their blended household will work so we get thread after thread of people moving in with their new partners, putting their kids into a blended family, usually adding another baby and them finding out that they've both got entirely different expectations.

work comes before a toddler group and click and collect.
The dentist, I would have asked him to take an hour out.

This ^

Absolutely agree. I always find the mentality that the working partner is "supporting" the one at home looking after the kids quite insulting. thanks, I was incredibly insulted tbh. Like I should be grateful but no mention of him being grateful. There is no way he could do his job (and be allowed the flexibility of seeing his DSC one afternoon a week) if I hadn't agreed to go part time. I'm giving up a lot financially.

them finding out that they've both got entirely different expectations. I discussed it with my DH and we had exactly the same expectations and would have been fine not discussing it. This is probably because he didn’t expect me to do anything for children that weren't mine.

I would have made dss come with you myself, teaches a valuable lesson that they can't get their own way all the time.

Potatoy
Then there's no issue in your situation is there because you're both on the same page and you did discuss it and considered how your household will run

As I said before you replied to me, where you selectively quoted:
Well yes, if both people agree that each parent only considers their biological children and one person is fine to be part time only for some of the household then that's fine as both people are on the same page

So quite clearly not talking about situations whether adults have agreed how their blended household will run.

@LolaSmiles well put. I drive dp's dd places because I work pt, I also do all the shopping etc because I work pt. Dp pays for the mortgage, the bills, even my DD's holiday because he earns a lot more money. When you blend you need to get into your head that there's not top trumps with which child is more important. That said I would have dragged the reluctant dss to toddler group as my hunch is he was just playing up! If you have more time you do need to step up for step kids because your dp is supporting you

So hour partner had to come out of work and potentially lose money because you wanted to go to toddler group! FFS, some women really shouldn't become step-mums.

So your husband was unwilling to leave his self employed work early because his child was sick and crying for him? Ffs, some people really shouldn't become parents.

[quote gogohm]@LolaSmiles well put. I drive dp's dd places because I work pt, I also do all the shopping etc because I work pt. Dp pays for the mortgage, the bills, even my DD's holiday because he earns a lot more money. When you blend you need to get into your head that there's not top trumps with which child is more important. That said I would have dragged the reluctant dss to toddler group as my hunch is he was just playing up! If you have more time you do need to step up for step kids because your dp is supporting you[/quote]
Do you have a shared child? The situation is a bit different if you are blending families with children on both sides. But I only have one DD, who is also DPs. It's a bit different for us because we're both freelance but essentially, he works full time and pays most of the bills, whilst I work part time, look after DD and do more of the household chores. He's not supporting me, we're supporting each other equally. His responsibility to DSS is additional to that. Inevitably, I do do him the favour of helping out fairly often, but it's not because of him "supporting me", it's because it works best for the whole household in that instance.

gogohm
It's great that works for you and your family.

It highlights that communication is key once a family is blended. When two adults with existing children form a family they have a new household and they've got to consider the whole household. For some a pre-agreed my kids/your kids arrangement works, but too often the idea of a blended family sounds nice but it becomes a giant grey area of when various children are/aren't to be considered by the adults (this lack of discussion about expectations and adult roles probably also contributes to rubbish situations where stepmums are meant to psychically know when to treat their DSC as their own and when not to, which usually seems to mean treat them as their their for all perks and don't ever do anything nice with your own children, but also never treat them as your own or discipline them for being rude because they're not yours and they have 2 parents ). Yes the kids have their own mum and dad, but the new family unit is a household.

@LolaSmiles ah I see, I get you sorry.

@supersonicginandtonic

So hour partner had to come out of work and potentially lose money because you wanted to go to toddler group! FFS, some women really shouldn't become step-mums.

No, partner had to come out of work and potentially lose money because his child wanted him/was poorly. Maybe he shouldn't have been a dad if he didn't want to do that.

If you have more time you do need to step up for step kids because your dp is supporting you I am supporting him by looking after our joint child.

DP is also supporting DSC's mum who chooses to work part time. She doesn't have to step up and look after her child to help him do that though? That would be unfair.

Potatoy
Yeah, basically I don't have strong feelings on how couples arrange their households, blended families or otherwise. That's up to them, as long as it's an informed decision.

I just don’t think it's unreasonable for anyone to think decisions about being part time etc are done with the household in mind if the person wanting to be home more hasn't said "and by the way I only want to focus on my biological children on my days off". To me if the household has been blended and is to all intents and purposes one family unit then I don't think the full time worker is necessarily unreasonable if they think the person who doesn't work a Thursday would be dealing with a family issue on a Thursday.

It's why communication is key and part of me questions why there's so many threads with people who are very keen their part time days are only for their children didn't make their view clear before hand. I can't help wondering if it's because they don't think their partner would have agreed (whereas in situations like yours you and your DH are on the same page).

It's why communication is key and part of me questions why there's so many threads with people who are very keen their part time days are only for their children didn't make their view clear before hand. I can't help wondering if it's because they don't think their partner would have agreed (whereas in situations like yours you and your DH are on the same page).

I think it's putting a little too much of the power in their hands to say it's a question of whether they would agree to it or not. When discussing whether or not to TTC, we agreed between us that I, as the lower earner at the time, would stay at home to look after our DD some of the time, as that was more financially viable for us as parents together. There was no "well in that case you can start doing more for DSS" undertone. It's not something I needed to persuade him into accepting, it was a natural and mutually beneficial arrangement. He had to decide whether he felt he could continue his obligations to his son alongside that, but it was not the case that I was somehow not contributing as much to the family as him as a result, from either of our perspectives.

aSofaNearYou
The key thing there though is that you and your DP had the discussion when discussing TTC. The discussion is key. You and several posters have an arrangement that works for your household.

I wasn't meaning to place power on the working partner, more that when a couple decide how to run their household (step family or otherwise) people need to be on the same page. The same is true in WOHP/SAHP arrangements: both need to agree what they're signing up to, and not someone who wants to be a SAHP says "but childcare costs a lot so I'll SAH until school" and then school rolls round and it becomes clear they have no intention of going back to work any time soon. Poor communication is a massive problem and can cause resentment.

My suspicion is that there will be a fair number of people who know their partner wouldn't be up for the arrangements that some posters, such as yourself, have agreed, so don't say anything until they've got what they wanted.

This thread just shows that a stepmum’s time/plans aren’t important. Even a dentist appointment can just be rearranged just like that .
Op might work part time, but it must save her DH on childcare costs for their joint DC. Why shouldn’t she make plans on the days she’s off and looking after the child she works part time to care for?
People think working part time or being a sahm is a bit of a jolly and that any plans you make should be dropped instantly if they don’t suit everyone else. It’s annoying.
She’s not working part time primarily for dsc, so if her already made plans don’t suit dsc then it’s up to the father to step up and take the day off work like millions of other parents have to when their children are unwell. The op certainly shouldn’t be rushing to cancel dentist appointments!

@JustGreatThatIs she's a step-mim, she agreed to have some involvement with the child when she got with the dad. Prioritising playgroup is quite frankly ridiculous. And yes I do have a step-child. I agreed to be involved in her life when we got together. I don't treat her any differently to my children when she is here. This is her home 50% of the tome. I don't want her to feel like a visitor. The dentist appointment is a different matter but I'm sure he could have taken an hour off to cover that.

@Potatoy he didn't need to, he had a perfectly able step-parent there who unfortunately is very selfish and prioritises
A toddler group over him. I would never dream of making my step-daughter feel that way.

I don't treat her any differently to my children when she is here

I treat my DSC differently to my child. They would be incredibly uncomfortable if "I treated them as my own". I treat them fairly but there's no way they'd be happy me cuddling them etc.

[quote supersonicginandtonic]@Potatoy he didn't need to, he had a perfectly able step-parent there who unfortunately is very selfish and prioritises
A toddler group over him. I would never dream of making my step-daughter feel that way. [/quote]
She prioritises her own child over someone else's. That seems fair to me.

[quote supersonicginandtonic]@Potatoy he didn't need to, he had a perfectly able step-parent there who unfortunately is very selfish and prioritises
A toddler group over him. I would never dream of making my step-daughter feel that way. [/quote]
Oh give over 🙄🙄

[quote supersonicginandtonic]@Potatoy he didn't need to, he had a perfectly able step-parent there who unfortunately is very selfish and prioritises
A toddler group over him. I would never dream of making my step-daughter feel that way. [/quote]
Grim. I wonder if the other way around you would be calling the dad selfish or would you be yelling "but she's the parent" 🙄

And she was acting based on what the child asked for which is supposed to be at the heart of parenting right...