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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU to think my husband should take the day off

76 replies

DayOff21 · 10/08/2021 13:05

I agreed to help out DH today by looking after DSS, 7 whilst he was working.

However, I made it clear that I had quite a bit on today that I'd have to drag DSS along to!

DSS says this morning that he feels unwell and said he wanted his Dad. Told DH and said he should probably come home to look after DSS as he wouldn't want to come out with me feeling poorly.

DH huffs about this saying can I not just cancel my plans as they aren't work (have an appointment and activity with our joint DC).

He did come home but he's made me feel guilty for not cancelling my own plans.

AIBU to think it was right that he should come home when his son is unwell and asking for him when he knows I needed to go out today. Surely as a parent you have to accept that sometimes you may be in the position to have to do this?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Potatoy · 10/08/2021 19:48

And dentist appointments are so hard to get.

Starseeking · 10/08/2021 22:36

Women have had to leave work for decades to look after sick DC, of course he should have come home. Especially as he's the boss anyway!

It sounds like his nose was out of joint as he's actually had to do some parenting, rather than palming it off to you as he would have liked, plus he feels your time is less valuable than his.

Themadcatparade · 11/08/2021 08:24

How is he usually for taking time off around his son?

Btw you are not BU here at all!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 11/08/2021 08:42

Women have had to leave work for decades to look after sick DC

Yes so have men. We’ve both done it, wouldn’t consider if an option though in these circumstances given there was an adult home not working.

If a woman posted her DH wouldn’t miss toddler group and had made her have the day off work to look after the sick child the responses would be very different I imagine.

aSofaNearYou · 11/08/2021 09:04

If a woman posted her DH wouldn’t miss toddler group and had made her have the day off work to look after the sick child the responses would be very different I imagine.

The response would be exactly the same if the sick child was hers and her DH was a step parent doing her a favour in the first place. Honestly, you stick the boot in in the same way on every single step parenting thread, you must know the response you will get by now?

namechange30455 · 11/08/2021 09:07

Could he not have gone back to work once you were home from the dentist?

I'm sure you could have gone and get the click and collect stuff tomorrow - it sounds like homeware rather than perishables?

Yes I think it's a bit off that you didn't try to find a compromise tbh.

Potatoy · 11/08/2021 09:20

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Women have had to leave work for decades to look after sick DC

Yes so have men. We’ve both done it, wouldn’t consider if an option though in these circumstances given there was an adult home not working.

If a woman posted her DH wouldn’t miss toddler group and had made her have the day off work to look after the sick child the responses would be very different I imagine.

It would be exactly the same response from me. OP is doing a favour looking after DSC. Unfortunately it's now not possible as DSC is poorly. Dad needs to take time off and look after his own child.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 11/08/2021 09:22

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d have not expected DH to call into work saying he can’t attend as I wanted to go shopping and a toddler group. The dentist is easily rearranged.

I would considering its HIS child. Plus he's self employed so he didn't have to call anyone.

aSofaNearYou · 11/08/2021 09:26

OP he's an absolute CF for acting irritable with you after you had agreed to do him the favour of watching DSS before it became a problem. Even if you'd had no plans you'd have been well within your rights to ask him to come home on the basis you didn't want the burden of looking after DSS ill, and he was asking for his dad. He needs to get that into his heads, as to several of the usual suspects on here.

ineedaholidaynow · 11/08/2021 09:31

Is DSS ill or just not wanting to go out with you, as none of what you are planning sounds as if it would be much fun for him (not judging, as that is the way of life in families juggling different ages, appointments etc)

Dentist appointments are rare as hen’s teeth round here, easy to reschedule if you are happy to wait until next year!

Bollindger · 11/08/2021 09:32

Is it wrong that I love it when parents who use their new partner as free childcare suddenly have to step up and be the parent.

LolaSmiles · 11/08/2021 09:39

I think you were unreasonable not to compromise

Of these three things:

Unwell child
DH work
Toddler group

Obviously toddler group is the least important. The toddler won't even miss it!

So I would have said can you be back in time for my dentist appointment to watch both kids and then do your collection on the way home

Same here. I like your plan. Expecting someone to take a whole day off because toddler group is more important than a child in a blended family seems off to me.
But then I also think that when any partner in a blended family goes part time or stays at home they're doing so accepting that there's children in the family who aren't biologically theirs. So if a child issue happens when the child would live at their house then it's reasonable for the partner at home to respond, regardless of which parent the child 'belongs' to.

AboveAll · 11/08/2021 09:46

So the child was upset and asking for their Dad, their Dad came home to look after them and their step mother took out the younger sibling too. So they had Dad, which is what they wanted, and a quiet house. Sounds exactly what was best for the child actually. But as usual poster's don't actually care what's best for the child as long as the step parent doesn't get away with not parenting them.

Surely the main focus should be this is exactly what the SC wanted? Their Dad with them, not their SM.

If I was at work, where I owned the company and didn't have to actually call in to any boss, and my child was sick at home with someone who wasn't their parent and was asking for me then yes I'd come home.

I also wouldn't expect my partner who was already doing me a favour, to cancel their plans for the day (which would involve messing around other people too who they were supposed to be giving a lift to) so that I didn't have to actually be a parent.

I do think it matters who the children 'belong to' in these situations, I think it's odd when poster's try to insist it doesn't. It clearly mattered to the DC too as they wanted their Dad.

AboveAll · 11/08/2021 09:50

But then I also think that when any partner in a blended family goes part time or stays at home they're doing so accepting that there's children in the family who aren't biologically theirs

Surely it depends what you agreed when you went part time/ SAH?

I wish parents would stop assuming other people will take care of their kids for them tbh. Lots of parents have to deal with sick children or leaving work early and so on without a partner to pick it up for them. I'm sure he'll live having a day off work.

aSofaNearYou · 11/08/2021 09:53

I do think it matters who the children 'belong to' in these situations, I think it's odd when poster's try to insist it doesn't. It clearly mattered to the DC too as they wanted their Dad.

I agree. It's obviously an unspoken thing but the transaction of me being at home with our toddler relates only to her, not any children who happen to be in the house. Anything with DSS is DP's to cover by default, and a favour from me if I choose to offer it. There are many factors in this case that make it a large inconvenience for OP (and not in the best interest of the child), so he should have expected to deal with it himself.

AboveAll · 11/08/2021 09:58

Exactly. If me and DH agreed that I'd go part time or stay at home to take care of our child I'd expect him to bring it up if he expected me to be the default parent for his children with his ex as well when they were with us because I certainly wouldn't assume that to be the case.

If you ask me that's just a sure fire way to have your boundaries trampled by both of their parents like I've seen time and time again on here! No thank you.

Potatoy · 11/08/2021 10:04

But then I also think that when any partner in a blended family goes part time or stays at home they're doing so accepting that there's children in the family who aren't biologically theirs

I accepted there are children who aren't mine but my DH and I discussed it before I went part time and agreed that it wasn't fair to expect me to take a pay cut to look after children that aren't mine. I am part time for my child's sake. DSC's parents can do what they like but there's two of them and they should be able to sort it out between themselves. DSC's mum works part time but refuses to look after them when it's not 'her time' so why should I look after them when it's my time off work.

timeisnotaline · 11/08/2021 10:26

If a woman posted her DH wouldn’t miss toddler group and had made her have the day off work to look after the sick child the responses would be very different I imagine.
This is exactly as relevant as If a woman posted her DH wouldn’t miss toddler group and had made her have the day off work to look after some random neighbours sick child

MummytoCSJH · 11/08/2021 11:03

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d have not expected DH to call into work saying he can’t attend as I wanted to go shopping and a toddler group. The dentist is easily rearranged.

Is it? My appointment in April was cancelled (by them) and they couldn't fit me in for the same appointment until October...

LolaSmiles · 11/08/2021 12:11

Surely it depends what you agreed when you went part time/ SAH?
Well yes, if both people agree that each parent only considers their biological children and one person is fine to be part time only for some of the household then that's fine as both people are on the same page.
But it seems that on MN there's a lot of 'I wanted to go part time/SAH but if there's any issue with the step children during the time they live in our household then I don't see why I should do anything. I only want to spend my time off with the children who are biologically mine' where it's clearly not been discussed as one person seems to think there is a blended family with 2 step parents and the other thinks there's 2 adults in a relationship who happen to have children and they don't have to do anything for the ones that aren't theirs.

Potatoy · 11/08/2021 12:24

I wanted to go part time/SAH but if there's any issue with the step children during the time they live in our household then I don't see why I should do anything that's the step children's parents fault for assuming though. Why would they have assumed that someone else would want to look after their child?

LolaSmiles · 11/08/2021 12:33

Potatoy
It's both people's fault for not communicating their expectations in my opinion.

If 2 adults choose to blend a family and become one household, it's reasonable to expect choices to be made for the household.
Maybe there's a long line of adults who are happy to support their partner in dropping their working hours and pay but they only have to consider 50-75% of the household though.

Potatoy · 11/08/2021 12:46

If 2 adults choose to blend a family and become one household, it's reasonable to expect choices to be made for the household.

I would argue if 2 adults choose to have a child it is up to them to make choices for that child. In my case Mum works part time but refuses to take the children if needed on dad's time if dad can't. If their own mother can't be bothered to look after them why should I? I went part time and took a drop in pay for my child's sake not for someone else's child's benefit.

You are seeing it as OH supporting me financially but you are not seeing me as supporting OH by being less childcare expenses, more security of who is looking after LO if they are sick (pretty much every other week) and I have arranged my days so it works around the days he sees DSC.

I'm not taking the paycut and who knows what it is doing for my career development for fun.

JustGreatThatIs · 11/08/2021 12:52

I would argue if 2 adults choose to have a child it is up to them to make choices for that child

I agree.

Its always the case on MN that for some reason step children aren't like other children in that 2 parents just aren't sufficient for taking care of them, the need 3 or even 4 people caring for them when most other children get by fine with the 2 who chose to create them in the first place.

My step children have a mum and a dad. They can decide between themselves what care looks like for their kids. Their Mum or Dad may choose to go part time/ stay at home or they may not 🤷‍♀️ if they don't choose that then they need to make other arrangements for their children's care like everyone else, not expect another person who's made a different decision for their child to do it for them.

If I was a SAHP it would be for my child. No way would I be giving up work so that DH and his ex didn't have to worry about childcare and could carry on undisturbed.

Although I really don't agree with the whole notion of us all being one big completely normal, same as a nuclear family. We aren't. And it's fine to say that. My step children aren't my kids, I like them but they aren't my children and I don't expect to have to take responsibility for them as if they were. That's what works for us.

Potatoy · 11/08/2021 13:09

the need 3 or even 4 people caring for them when most other children get by fine with the 2 who chose to create them in the first place. yes I find this attitude strange too. Regardless of what the custody arrangement is they are both 100% their parent. They don't need another one.

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