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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Should we take in their dog full time?

71 replies

Hop27 · 10/08/2021 11:26

DSS has come to live with us because his mum can't cope and is having a breakdown. She also can't cope with their Ddog, so we have taken the dog in too. However we also have a dog and it's complete bedlam, their dog is a yappy breed and ours is a big strong breed. So not an easy combination. I've just come home from
12 hours at work to constant barking and play fighting. I'm worried our neighbours will complain, it's now impossible to wfh and it is making our house chaos. I 100% am happy to help in an emergency, but she is making noises that this could be a long term thing. Both DSS and the dog. Previously she had taken a pet to a shelter because she couldn't cope. The dog isn't fully house trained so is peeing everywhere and makes a dash for the door if anyone opens the door. Both are young dogs so it's a huge commitment and not the life I imagined, we often travel with our dog but it's harder to get accommodation that will take 2 dogs.
The thought of this as a long term option just isn't viable and is stressing me out. Am I being heartless, do I just need accept this is my life now?

OP posts:

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RedMarauder · 10/08/2021 11:45

Rehome the dog.

Get your OH to tell the ex that the rehoming will be permanent.

The dog needs someone with experience and time to train them properly, and you aren't the people who are able to do it.

Wombat64 · 10/08/2021 11:47

Now, if it's not house-trained & you're out of the house that long each day, so it's unlikely to get the training it needs, definitely rehome properly.

Original poster

Hop27 · 10/08/2021 11:58

I work long hours, DH works from home or (pre Covid) traveled with work. In those instances Ddog comes into work with me, she doesn't bark and is easy to exhaust, so makes for a very easy office dog.
How long do we give it? I'm ok that she needs a couple of weeks but there needs to be an end date. But will that completely break DSS if we need to rehome 'his dog' but not ours?! DH is struggling trying to work around the chaos, but he hasn't had any big meetings yet so has been able to juggle it - just.

OP posts:

nevergoesaway · 10/08/2021 12:13

I feel for you, that sounds really stressful Maybe the dog will settle down after a couple of weeks once she gets used to her new surroundings? However, I’m not a dog owner so no idea if this is a crazy notion!!

If it’s not getting any better after a short period of time, I think it’s fair and right that she is rehomed to someone who is actively wanting a new dog and who will be passionate about doing the hard work of settling a dog in.

Yes DSS might be very upset about this, that’s definitely a dilemma here, because he’s already had to deal with the situation with his mum. It might feel like so much is changing for him. Is there a relative of friend who could take on the dog temporarily, so he could still see her? This would then give you back some of your normality whilst not making things too shocking for SS.

Duchess379 · 10/08/2021 12:14

It's difficult. I have 3 dogs, one being a rescue & he was not housetrained at all. But I knew that when I got him & I'm at home all day to train him. 20 months down the line & we're pretty much sorted. But you guys are working & don't have the time to train him. It may be better to re-home him & explain to DSS why. Good luck x

GCAcademic · 10/08/2021 12:16

@RedMarauder

Rehome the dog.

Get your OH to tell the ex that the rehoming will be permanent.

The dog needs someone with experience and time to train them properly, and you aren't the people who are able to do it.

If it's the ex's dog, legally they can't rehome it. That's a decision for the ex to make. The OP and her DH can suggest it, but that's it.

Original poster

Hop27 · 10/08/2021 12:20

The expectation is as long as we have DSS we also have the dog.

OP posts:

DancesWithTortoises · 10/08/2021 12:20

Rehome the dog. Tell The ex in advance. You can only do so much.

excelledyourself · 10/08/2021 12:23

Give her the dog back and tell her she will need to make other arrangements.

How old is DSS? I feel for him, but I don't see any other way. Is there no one else who can have the dog so that he can keep in contact?

Either way, the dog is either eventually going back to mum or going elsewhere. You can't be expected to have it permanently as well as your own.

LadyCatStark · 10/08/2021 12:26

Wow that’s some sense of entitlement from the mum! You really need to speak to her and see if someone else can have the dog or at least make it clear it can’t be permanent.

Needapoodle · 10/08/2021 12:33

I couldn't get rid of my dss dog. He's had the rug pulled out from under him, i couldn't make him give up his pet. It shouldn't take long to housetrain the dog and as long as they're not out and out fighting the dogs should settle down. When your dh is working from home keep the dogs shut in different rooms with a kong toy to keep them quiet.

Potatoy · 10/08/2021 12:34

@Hop27

The expectation is as long as we have DSS we also have the dog.

Tell her you can't cope with the dog either. She chose to have a dog it's her problem.

Potatoy · 10/08/2021 12:34

And charge boarding fees for it.

Needapoodle · 10/08/2021 12:45

Tell her you can't cope with the dog either. She chose to have a dog it's her problem.

Did she also choose to have a breakdown?

Potatoy · 10/08/2021 12:48

@Needapoodle

Tell her you can't cope with the dog either. She chose to have a dog it's her problem.

Did she also choose to have a breakdown?

Of course she didn't. But that's not OP's problem. She has to look after her own welfare.

GoodnightGrandma · 10/08/2021 12:48

You can’t rehome her dog without having a discussion about it.
How about committing to having for a while, then see where she’s at.
Make sure she’s aware that you’re only having it for a specified period.

Potatoy · 10/08/2021 12:50

DP had a choice about having a child with his ex. He had no say in the dog.

Needapoodle · 10/08/2021 12:57

DP had a choice about having a child with his ex. He had no say in the dog.

He could have said no to taking the dog in in the first place. Presumably he didn't because the dog means something to his child. It doesn't sound like any of the problems they're having with the dog are insurmountable. Op's dp will just have to sort out training the dog. It's not up to the op as stepmum to go ahead and rehome her stepchild's dog.

Potatoy · 10/08/2021 13:06

I agree It's not up to OP to rehome it. It already has a home with DSC's mum, if she is unable to look after it and DH has kindly looked after it but is unable to carry on then it has to go back to mum and she can rehome it as she sees fit.

Potatoy · 10/08/2021 13:07

Just because he agreed to taking it initially doesn’t mean he is obliged to keep it.

DancesWithTortoises · 10/08/2021 13:10

If DM can't have it back then of course it can be rehomed. Nonsense to suggest otherwise.

DP needs to tell his ex how it has to be.

Potatoy · 10/08/2021 13:10

DSC will just have to be told thay unfortunately dog has to go back to mums as its not best for dog to be there. And if mum is too ill and it has to be rehomed then that is very sad but it's not on OP. It's just life.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/08/2021 13:18

Tell her that she needs to have it back, ask someone other mug to have it for a bit or rehome it by the weekend.

He should never have agreed to take it and it’s time to admit it was a mistake.

It might mean something to the DSS but he’s not able to responsibility for it so it can’t stay.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/08/2021 13:18

I hope DH stops paying maintenance as you have his son full time.

Needapoodle · 10/08/2021 13:20

The dogs play fighting and the new dog peeing indoors is easily sorted though. No reason why it can't work if they put some effort in. if it was my stepchild's pet and id agreed to look after it, id just be making a little bit more effort to make it work.

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