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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Should we take in their dog full time?

71 replies

Hop27 · 10/08/2021 11:26

DSS has come to live with us because his mum can't cope and is having a breakdown. She also can't cope with their Ddog, so we have taken the dog in too. However we also have a dog and it's complete bedlam, their dog is a yappy breed and ours is a big strong breed. So not an easy combination. I've just come home from
12 hours at work to constant barking and play fighting. I'm worried our neighbours will complain, it's now impossible to wfh and it is making our house chaos. I 100% am happy to help in an emergency, but she is making noises that this could be a long term thing. Both DSS and the dog. Previously she had taken a pet to a shelter because she couldn't cope. The dog isn't fully house trained so is peeing everywhere and makes a dash for the door if anyone opens the door. Both are young dogs so it's a huge commitment and not the life I imagined, we often travel with our dog but it's harder to get accommodation that will take 2 dogs.
The thought of this as a long term option just isn't viable and is stressing me out. Am I being heartless, do I just need accept this is my life now?

OP posts:

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Needapoodle · 10/08/2021 13:21

So ... A child who has had to move into his dad's because his mum is having a breakdown and youd just say sorry mate, we are getting rid of your dog too. Get over it.

KylieKoKo · 10/08/2021 13:38

@Needapoodle

So ... A child who has had to move into his dad's because his mum is having a breakdown and youd just say sorry mate, we are getting rid of your dog too. Get over it.

I think you are being deliberately obtuse here and I think it's actually quite irresponsible to advocate for people to take on dogs that they don't have the time or inclination to commit to looking after it properly. It's not an inanimate toy for DSS but a living creature that needs a suitable home. Keeping the dog to keep DSS happy when they can't commit to looking after it properly is pretty cruel in my opinion.

Disfordarkchocolate · 10/08/2021 13:40

The Dog Trust may be able to help her, the do temporary fostering of dogs for people in crisis but I don't know their criteria.

Needapoodle · 10/08/2021 13:45

I think you are being deliberately obtuse here.

I don't actually care what you think. I wouldn't make my dss give up his pet unless it was the very last resort. Im posting in response to everyone saying "yeah just rehome it". First off, she doesn't have the right, secondly she agreed to take the dog and third it doesn't sound like she or her partner have tried very hard to settle the dog in. And lastly, her dss is probably attached to it. So if me not adding to the chorus of "get rid of it" is me being obtuse then I'm very happy to be.

YesDisney · 10/08/2021 13:46

@Needapoodle

So ... A child who has had to move into his dad's because his mum is having a breakdown and youd just say sorry mate, we are getting rid of your dog too. Get over it.

Surprised you didn’t just suggest the OP get rid of her own dog. 🙄

Needapoodle · 10/08/2021 13:50

Why would i say that?

KylieKoKo · 10/08/2021 14:01

First off, she doesn't have the right

No right to rehome it AND no responsibility to look after it as it isn't her dog. If she can't look after it then it needs to go back to its owner who needs to either step up or find someone else who can.

The OP isn't the one who would be "getting rid of it". The child's mother is. The responsibility for this begins and ends with her.

SpaceshiptoMars · 10/08/2021 14:06

OP, the solution is staring you in the face!

It's right there in @Needapoodle 's username

AlexaIWillNeverSayDucking · 10/08/2021 14:06

Does DH or his ex have other family that might take the dog, so not an anonymous rehome and DSS would still get to see it?

AlmostSummer21 · 10/08/2021 14:11

I'd have to try a lot harder to make it work & the problems would have to be insurmountable before I could rehome Dss dog, sounds like the poor kid has gone through more than enough already.

The 'dog problems' whilst hugely annoying are not insurmountable. A bit of training. Maybe consider some doggy daycare for a couple of days a week, you might be able to find some training/doggy day care combination.

As for travelling with your dog & 2 being more difficult, a lot of things will change if you have DSS permanently, will the dog really change that, much?

How do you feel about having DSS permanently?

Is this what his mum wants or does she just need to get back on her feet?

Bibidy · 10/08/2021 14:12

How old is your SS?

Surely he or his mum know somebody else who could care for their dog until his mum is able again? Her family maybe?

Bibidy · 10/08/2021 14:15

My first thought wouldn't be rehoming completely, but I'd definitely be looking for someone else to look after the dog until ex gets back on her feet.

2 dogs that don't settle well together is chaos, and even worse if one isn't trained.

Abouttimemum · 10/08/2021 14:18

No thanks, no idea why you agreed to take the dog as well.

Frequency · 10/08/2021 14:32

None of the issues you've posted about are hard to train or even time consuming.

The barking you train for while your just getting on with your day. Wait for a period of calm and say "Yes, good dogs, settle" and toss them each a treat. Do the same when they voluntarily take themselves to bed. It takes most dogs around three days to become calmer in the house and week to associate the command settle with being calm.

And loads of places take two dogs. The problems start when you have 3 plus dogs.

Is DSS old enough to assist with training? Consistent house training should only take most adult dogs around a week before it clicks.

mommabear2386 · 10/08/2021 15:26

Absolutely not, taking on SS full time is enough of a upheaval I imagine so the dog stays where he is. Think she's got a cheek, if she cannot manage the dog goes to people better able to look after it.

Your priority has to be SS then your life the dog comes way down the list of it doesn't fit well with family life, it's unfair of her to even think you would want her dog!

Genevie82 · 10/08/2021 16:11

Hi OP... can you tell us how fond DSC is of their dog? It is a very special pet to them? I think that’s key really to weighing up what you do ...

Potatoy · 10/08/2021 16:33

@Needapoodle

So ... A child who has had to move into his dad's because his mum is having a breakdown and youd just say sorry mate, we are getting rid of your dog too. Get over it.

No you'd explain it a bit better than that. That mum can't look after it as she is unwell and unfortunately dad has tried to look after it and stepmum has helped but it isn't working and so they are going to have to give it back to mum so she can decide what to do. If mum is unable to decide she might ask dad to help her decide.

Potatoy · 10/08/2021 16:38

Dog needs a stable home not being moved from one place to the other so best to ask mum if she wants to rehome it permanently or keep it with her. Can't keep moving between houses like the child.

RedMarauder · 10/08/2021 16:49

@Potatoy

Dog needs a stable home not being moved from one place to the other so best to ask mum if she wants to rehome it permanently or keep it with her. Can't keep moving between houses like the child.

Some posters are so intent on berating the OP because she is a step-mother, they have forgotten that it is not in the best interests of the dog to be in a household that doesn't have time to give it the attention it needs.

Oh and if the mother, the dogs owner, is that sick then yes they will have to rehome it for her. The people I know who have had breakdowns have not been able to look after themselves let alone another living creature for nearly a couple of years.

gogohm · 10/08/2021 16:49

Call in a decent trainer, and allow 6 weeks for improvement

Needapoodle · 10/08/2021 17:08

Some posters are so intent on berating the OP because she is a step-mother

I'm a step mother. I've got nothing against step mothers. I just think it's not great to get rid of your dscs pet when with a little more effort, chances are everything would settle down.

SpaceshiptoMars · 10/08/2021 17:14

I'm a step mother. I've got nothing against step mothers. I just think it's not great to get rid of your dscs pet when with a little more effort, chances are everything would settle down.

Somehow I don't think you're an SM who works 12 hour days, and has just had to step up to be mum fulltime completely out of the blue.

Potatoy · 10/08/2021 18:32

@Needapoodle

Some posters are so intent on berating the OP because she is a step-mother

I'm a step mother. I've got nothing against step mothers. I just think it's not great to get rid of your dscs pet when with a little more effort, chances are everything would settle down.

OP hasn't got the time to put in the effort, she works. And partner is trying to do what he can in-between WFH. And they are adjusting to life with DSS potentially living there long term. I think it's not great to keep trying and hoping for the best if they don't have the time to commit to another dog.

Potatoy · 10/08/2021 18:33

it is not in the best interests of the dog to be in a household that doesn't have time to give it the attention it needs. this is a key point here. This isn't about DSS it is about the Dog's best interests.

Astella22 · 10/08/2021 18:48

I think anytime a routine changes chaos can ensue and it can all seam overwhelming. Take some time to allow things to settle down. The problems don’t seam like anything to hard to change.

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