Should we take in their dog full time?

[Hop27]

DSS has come to live with us because his mum can't cope and is having a breakdown. She also can't cope with their Ddog, so we have taken the dog in too. However we also have a dog and it's complete bedlam, their dog is a yappy breed and ours is a big strong breed. So not an easy combination. I've just come home from
12 hours at work to constant barking and play fighting. I'm worried our neighbours will complain, it's now impossible to wfh and it is making our house chaos. I 100% am happy to help in an emergency, but she is making noises that this could be a long term thing. Both DSS and the dog. Previously she had taken a pet to a shelter because she couldn't cope. The dog isn't fully house trained so is peeing everywhere and makes a dash for the door if anyone opens the door. Both are young dogs so it's a huge commitment and not the life I imagined, we often travel with our dog but it's harder to get accommodation that will take 2 dogs.
The thought of this as a long term option just isn't viable and is stressing me out. Am I being heartless, do I just need accept this is my life now?

Ok just to be clear, I understand that I can't re home their dog. She is thinking of going to stay with family and can't take the dog because her family also have dogs plus she isn't prepared to put the dog on a flight.
No we don't have 6 weeks to retrain a dog, we did the hard yards with ours but now our work situation is very different. Plus I never wanted 2 dogs, end of story. I have the energy and capacity for one, not two. Sorry that sounds heartless, I don't mean it to be. DSS is 14 so in a few years he'll be away living his own life and we could potentially left holding the puppy. My thoughts are we give her a couple of weeks then suggest taking the dog back to give her a sense of purpose and a reason to get out the house every day.

I think DH tell her now that you can only look after it for a couple of weeks and then after that take it back round hers. He could offer to help rehome it if you wanted but he's under no obligation to do so. If she flies away and leaves you holding the dog I guess you could say it's been abandoned?

I sympathise OP. My parents have a dog and my sister recently got one too and when they are in the house together it's absolutely chaos. Not all dogs settle well together and it must be even harder if there isn't someone constantly home.

I don't think it's very fair that SS's mum doesn't want to take the dog to her own family because they have dogs but isn't bothered about the fact that you also have a dog.

Surely there is someone else in either SS's mum's life or yours/DH's nearby who would be willing to temporarily home this dog until it can go back to its original home?

OR alternatively could you look at a doggy daycare for it so that the dogs are at least separated during the day?

I do feel for SS as in his shoes I would hate to lose my dog on top of my mum sacking me off and flying off somewhere to be with her 'family' that doesn't include me, but equally I think you need to find a solution that works for you too.

14 is plenty old enough to train the issues you've mentioned.

Sit SS down, explain the issues and come up with a training plan he can stick to. There's loads of videos in YouTube which can help.

I recommend Zak George and kikopup to start.

I'm not dumping the dog on one of my friends nor can we pay $300 per week on daycare, plus the logistics of getting the dog there and back. A child at school can't train a dog effectively.

@Hop27

I'm not dumping the dog on one of my friends nor can we pay $300 per week on daycare, plus the logistics of getting the dog there and back. A child at school can't train a dog effectively.

Jeez OK, I was just trying to think of ways you didn't have to have the dog around without completely rehoming it!

I guess the only real option is taking it back to it's actual owner?? There is no reason why you should have to have her dog. Is your DP willing to just return the dog to her and say it's too much with both dogs and also now your SS in the mix at your house? If she can't manage then she needs to turn to someone else in her life to help with her dog.

That's what I'd want, personally.

It's only the toilet training which requires round the clock training and that can be easily be done by the end of the summer holidays.

The rest of the training can be done before and after or just after school.

It appears that you don't actually want a solution. You've rubbished every suggestion offered to you to help the situation. You just want to get rid. Poor SS and poor dog

People have tried to help you on this thread op and you’ve just been abrupt and uninterested in the suggestions. You obviously don’t want the dog so either take her back or rehome her.

Poor SS and poor dog

I disagree. Dog needs someone who can put in the time and effort, OP has admitted that's not her.

Poor DSS yes and Poor OP being put in the position of evil stepmum if she says no.

It's only the toilet training which requires round the clock training and that can be easily be done by the end of the summer holidays.

The rest of the training can be done before and after or just after school.

In fairness, it isn't just about the training though, it's also 2 lively young dogs in one house. When my family dogs are together it's non-stop every second that they are together. Not fighting but just boisterous play and having to keep an eye on them.

@LittleMysSister

That was advised on way back up the thread. It's literally a case of tossing a treat whenever they are quiet. It takes a matter of days at most to improve. Even dogs who have no prior training or socialisation will respond and become calmer in the house if treats land on their bed everytime they're in it.

I used to foster and train young lively dogs for rehomimg and this worked every time.

@Hop27

I'm not dumping the dog on one of my friends nor can we pay $300 per week on daycare, plus the logistics of getting the dog there and back. A child at school can't train a dog effectively.

Then have clear words with your partner. Tell him he needs to give the dog back to his ex by Sunday and if she refuses to take it then he needs to rehome it by the end of next week.

Also tell him that in future he is not to put things that are his ex-wife's sole responsibility at your door A couple of my friends' who are step-parents have had to lay down the law about this.

BTW are you sure one of your friends' or acquaintances doesn't want a small yappy dog? Though that it is for your partner to ask not you if his ex won't take the dog back.

Thanks all for your advice, appreciated.

Wishing you the best OP, I hope something gets sorted x

My thoughts are we give her a couple of weeks then suggest taking the dog back to give her a sense of purpose and a reason to get out the house every day.
This sounds very sensible. I hope that it works out. I do feel for your DSS mum and you sound great taking on her dog and DSS. Hopefully she will realise having the dog will be good for her- dogs can be such a blessing.

Is there a pet charity in the local area that may be able to give the dog a foster home we have one in our local area that was your dss could visit the dog so it wouldnt be as bad for him at least till mum could be in a position to take the dog back x I totally understand how disruptive it can be I've had my stepdaughter at home with her big dog and the first few days were a nightmare and I thought it would be unsustainable yours and your partners mental health is also important to be able to provide stability for your dss whilst his mum is going through this time as I'm sure he is really unsettled too best of luck to you all xx

I wouldn't even consider having the dog. You don't have the right home for him and he's not the right dog for your family.

have you considered contacting rescues on her behalf asking for a foster placement?

Therefore it gives you all breathing room minus the dog, and she can either take the dog back at a later date or they can rehome it?

I agree with you, I would not want another dog literally forced on you,!

I would try to find a foster home for the dog nearby if you can, so your DSS could still visit them. Some animal charities offer this. I was once an animal foster carer for an animal shelter and took in pets for a time whilst their owners were ill, or fleeing domestic abuse.

@Needapoodle

Tell her you can't cope with the dog either. She chose to have a dog it's her problem.

Did she also choose to have a breakdown?

Of course she didn’t chose to have a breakdown. But equating that to being allowed to dump a dog on someone who doesn’t want it either is a pretty stupid link to make, even by mumsnet standards. If course OP doesn’t have to look after the dog just because the ex had a breakdown

The dog just peed on our spare bed. Either she takes it back or we declare it lost at the vet