Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

AIBU - Leaving special jewellery to my nieces, NOT DH's DD?

73 replies

Idontknowhowtodothis · 17/02/2021 02:38

AIBU?
My soon to be husband and I have been doing the will writing thing as we're due to get married soon and its caused a bit of a rift. My OH has requested that should anything happen to him once we're married His pension (we're both civil servants) and the house will come to me, his life insurance will pay for the funeral, and an amount will go towards whats left of the mortgage and then leave a nice sum for his daughter, in trust until she's 25, with various clauses to stop her mother getting her hands on it. He has also added that should we have any children his daughters sum will be split between her and her potential siblings.
My pension and life insurance have been split similarly, but adding my nieces (my brothers daughters - to whom I'm incredibly close to).

An issue has arisen around some diamond jewellery that I was given for my 21st and 25th birthdays....
The jewellery consists of a necklace, a pair of earrings and my paternal grandmother's engagement ring, (all nice diamond jewellery, but not, y'know, Cartier!) As well as my engagement ring...
I have requested that my jewellery is split between my nieces, with the exception of my engagement ring, which is coming with me.

Apparently, this is unreasonable.

My jewellery, and my grandmother's jewellery should apparently be split between all 3 girls. I have said that I have nice gold jewellery that I am happy to pass on to his daughter, but I want my "special" stuff to go to my nieces, and potentially my daughter (fingers crossed we're trying to fall pregnant!)

We normally agree on EVERYTHING financial, but this has become a bit of a sore spot!

Help! Confused

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Disfordarkchocolate · 17/02/2021 02:44

I agree with you. I haven't even discussed with my husband what I'm doing with this sort of personal item.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 17/02/2021 03:21

Not sure that I can offer help but I can offer a comparison.

As it stands, jewellery from my family (inherited from my mother, inherited from my grandmothers and gifts from my family) will go to my nephew. Anything from my husband or things I have bought for myself will go to my step daughters.

DH is fully aware of the contents of my will and has never suggested it should be done any other way.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 17/02/2021 03:29

I’ve reread your post. I think perhaps it comes down to the sentimental and emotional value of the jewellery for me.

My nephew, for example, has memories of other relatives wearing the jewellery. He was fascinated by a ring my mother wore when he was little and often plated with it. He will inherit the family photos that show one grandmother always (and I do mean always) wearing one particular necklace. And the pearls my other grandmother wore for her wedding, my mother wore for her hers, my SIL wore for her wedding and I wore at mine. Hopefully, his future wife will want to wear them too. She will certainly have the option.

As you said, the pieces are nice but they aren’t Cartier. It isn’t the monetary value. It is the link through the generations. These links don’t belong to me, they belong to my family of origin. I will forge new links with my step children and that can then be passed down to their children.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/02/2021 03:37

Your partner is being completely unreasonable. Your property, you decide who it goes to. I'd be angry he even had the cheek to challenge you on this.

Original poster
Idontknowhowtodothis · 17/02/2021 03:42

@Aquamarine1029 its more that he's used the "well, we'll be a family and she going to be your SD"
My response of "we'll let's split yours with my nieces as they'll be YOUR relations through marriage" wasn't my most grown up of moments.

And @DifficultBloodyWoman, even though they're not Cartier, the "special" stuff probably has a higher monetary value than I give it credit for. I think he feels a bit hurt that I'm not treating his DD equally.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 17/02/2021 03:58

I'd be a bit more Hmm about leaving his money in trust until his DD is 25 so her mother can't get her hands on it. Presumably the mother would be raising the DD solo and he wants to make sure she gets nothing from his estate to do this with. Pretty cold.

The jewelry, do what you want. It's an heirloom and it's yours.

timeisnotaline · 17/02/2021 04:22

You are absolutely right to leave it within the family line. mrsterryprstchett makes a good point also - how old is his ds? Nice to leave it in trust but does that mean his ex is expected to bring her up with no maintenance or other parent support so she can inherit her fortune at 25, hopefully having recovered from her deprived childhood and managed to support herself through uni? Obviously I’m pulling assumptions out of thin air but it still sounds worse than a Disney dad- at least they provide money if not parenting and his will says if he dies his daughter shall have neither money nor parenting from him until she’s a mature adult of 25. I hope his ex is wealthy not he’s an idiot.

timeisnotaline · 17/02/2021 04:22

Dd I mean

Cokie3 · 17/02/2021 04:43

A will is your will. It should be how you want it, what YOUR wish is, it isn't a marital obligation.

The jewellery was given to you by your family, it is special to your bloodline, YOU get to decide where it goes, and it usually stays in the blood family so your fiance is being very unreasonable. Some things are about bloodline and family, not a marital contractual obligation. It's your WILL, what you WANT. He has no right to dictate your WISH. Tell him this part is non-negotiable, and also that he is being selfish with the trust for his daughter - what if she needs it for a uni degree or as a deposit on a house? 25 is way too late. 21 would be better.

Woodlandbelle · 17/02/2021 04:47

It's your to decide what to do with. Ebd all discussion about it. I totally understand why you would give it to your own nieces.
I haven't made a will so I haven't been in this situation.

Figgyboa · 17/02/2021 05:56

I think any jewelry accumulated prior to your marriage should be considered yours to do with what you want. Any jewelry after your marriage, I would include your DSD.

NoSquirrels · 17/02/2021 06:13

with the exception of my engagement ring, which is coming with me

I would certainly leave my engagement ring to his DD. Why not? Being buried/cremated with it is such a waste.

Family heirloom jeweller, yes, give to your nieces. How many nieces? If 2, you have an unequal split of pieces to leave, and I suppose I might consider leaving e.g. earrings to DSD, but if 3 DNs then it’s very simple.

It’s the emotion behind it he’s reacting to. I’d leave my engagement ring and anything he’d bought me to his DD.

But I woul

Original poster
Idontknowhowtodothis · 17/02/2021 06:19

@MrsTerryPratchett

I'd be a bit more Hmm about leaving his money in trust until his DD is 25 so her mother can't get her hands on it. Presumably the mother would be raising the DD solo and he wants to make sure she gets nothing from his estate to do this with. Pretty cold.

The jewelry, do what you want. It's an heirloom and it's yours.

Its more that her mother will blow any money that she has - she's proven this with a joint savings account that they set up when SD was born, and countless "SD needs such and such, I need ££££, no dont buy it give me the money" texts..... we manage to get by without asking her for money, but yet she can't. That's one thing I'm absolutely with him on!
OP posts:
Original poster
Idontknowhowtodothis · 17/02/2021 06:22

I might just sell it all and enjoy the money with the DH 🙊

OP posts:
Querywhether · 17/02/2021 06:29

Stick to your guns. You can do what you want with your own property and, not meaning to be rude, it’s hardly the Crown Jewels so it’s not exactly going to make that much difference to the daughter. I’m a stepdaughter and I wouldn’t expect to be left anything like that.

Don’t really understand being buried/cremated with your engagement ring, tbh, but it’s up to you.

Original poster
Idontknowhowtodothis · 17/02/2021 06:32

@queryweather I think because its still new, I'm a bit protective! Also, I'm thinking if we are lucky enough to have kids together, I don't want that to be an argument starter. I'm one girl in four siblings so there were never any other girls to leave jewellery to!

OP posts:
FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 17/02/2021 06:42

YANBU OP

I’ve not left any jewellery for my SC in my will. It goes to my daughters (and before they came along my niece). The SC have their own mother to inherit jewellery from.

I think it’s nice that you wish for your jewellery to stay in your family. It’s nothing to do with your DH. That’s the point of a will - it’s YOUR wishes.

YetiTeri · 17/02/2021 07:01

I'm sorry @Idontknowhowtodothis but you are absolutely wrong on your SDs upkeep. You don't say how old she is but during her childhood she will need:

Housing
Heating
WiFi
Food
Clothes, including school uniform.
Education (c£10k per year fees for HE plus living)

These are basic costs and are you really saying that you and your future fiance are not willing to provide those for her?

Unless her Mum is independently wealthy she'll struggle to provide all of this on one income. Well paid child friendly jobs are like gold dust. The kid will likely grow up in relative poverty and that will be on you two.

Fgs at least allow the kid to get an education.

QueenOfPain · 17/02/2021 07:49

Family jewellery to stay in the family if it can. He’s BU.

funinthesun19 · 17/02/2021 08:11

Yanbu. The jewellery should go to whoever you want it to go to. Your dsd doesn’t have an automatic entitlement to it just because of who she is.

MeridianB · 17/02/2021 08:26

Totally agree that the jewellery is nothing to do with your SD. YADNBU.

Is it the value of the jewellery he’s interested in or the symbolism that his daughter must have something to ensure fairness in his eyes?

Agree he needs to make provision for his DD’s dependent years. I am guessing a lawyer can advise on how to set this up so the equivalent maintenance is paid to the mother for the necessary period.

Kintsuji · 17/02/2021 08:30

Family jewellery I'd expect to stay in the family. I think he's being unreasonable there. The only thing I'd do differently was to leave your engagement ring to his DD.
If it's really important to you to be buried with something that symbolises you and your fiancés love for each other once married would you be happy for that to be your wedding ring? If so you could add to the will that once you're married his DD would inherit the engagement ring on your death and you could be buried with your wedding ring on. Then all the existing girls in both sides of your family have something special to inherit.

Fascinationends · 17/02/2021 08:41

Of all the items, the engagement ring would be the last thing I would give to a sc. I would stop discussing it and write your will as suits you. Hopefully it will not be needed for a long time so is largely irrelevant now.
FWIW, I would not have wanted 'family' jewellery from my SM, I feel that should stay in the family.

WaltzingBetty · 17/02/2021 08:57

Surely his DD has her own mother to inherit from?

Jewellery inherited from your paternal line doesn't really hold any sentimental value for her

aSofaNearYou · 17/02/2021 09:12

Before even reading the thread, YADNBU. W

hat sort of tone did he take in this "dispute" (aka him being a CF)?

Swipe left for the next trending thread