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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU - Leaving special jewellery to my nieces, NOT DH's DD?

73 replies

Idontknowhowtodothis · 17/02/2021 02:38

AIBU?
My soon to be husband and I have been doing the will writing thing as we're due to get married soon and its caused a bit of a rift. My OH has requested that should anything happen to him once we're married His pension (we're both civil servants) and the house will come to me, his life insurance will pay for the funeral, and an amount will go towards whats left of the mortgage and then leave a nice sum for his daughter, in trust until she's 25, with various clauses to stop her mother getting her hands on it. He has also added that should we have any children his daughters sum will be split between her and her potential siblings.
My pension and life insurance have been split similarly, but adding my nieces (my brothers daughters - to whom I'm incredibly close to).

An issue has arisen around some diamond jewellery that I was given for my 21st and 25th birthdays....
The jewellery consists of a necklace, a pair of earrings and my paternal grandmother's engagement ring, (all nice diamond jewellery, but not, y'know, Cartier!) As well as my engagement ring...
I have requested that my jewellery is split between my nieces, with the exception of my engagement ring, which is coming with me.

Apparently, this is unreasonable.

My jewellery, and my grandmother's jewellery should apparently be split between all 3 girls. I have said that I have nice gold jewellery that I am happy to pass on to his daughter, but I want my "special" stuff to go to my nieces, and potentially my daughter (fingers crossed we're trying to fall pregnant!)

We normally agree on EVERYTHING financial, but this has become a bit of a sore spot!

Help!

OP posts:

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SuperPixie247 · 17/02/2021 09:23

My SD and Co. have had far too much from me already, emotionally and mentally. No way would they get special sentimental jewelry bought for me by my family.

I won't even say where I would prefer my engagement/wedding ring to be stuck rather than in their possession.

Watchingbehindmyhands · 17/02/2021 09:25

So he has made provision for his daughter at 25 but not to support her upbringing?

Your jewellery is yours to do what you want with.

MyGodImSoYoung · 17/02/2021 09:57

Haven't read the whole threat but to everyone who doesn't understand how Wills work, generally, monies can be removed from Trust for the maintenance of the child. The Trustees have to approve and if it's needed for, for example, uniform, then I would recommend the Trustees buy the uniform rather than give the money over if there are genuine concerns about how it is being spent.

Kintsuji · 17/02/2021 10:01

Sorry, not sure if I mixed it up, if you have 3 engagement rings, or just the one for your family. I was thinking that the engagement ring came from your fiance and so felt to me like it was the one thing that connected to her side of the family as well as yours.

Kintsuji · 17/02/2021 10:01

Should say 2 not 3, on fire with mistakes today.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 17/02/2021 10:22

I can see his point. You're leaving his dd out, maybe he's shocked as he thought you cared for her more than you do.

I am a stepmum too and there's no way i would leave my dsc with nothing if i was leaving stuff to nieces and nephews. My hierarchy would be, my children, my dsc, then nieces and nephews.

ArrrMeHearties · 17/02/2021 10:25

I agree with how you are splitting it. Your jewellery is yours to decide who to gift it to in the event of your passing not your dh's choice

Crockof · 17/02/2021 10:27

Bit sad you wouldn't share it to a DS if you had one

sashh · 17/02/2021 10:38

I would imagine when you were given this jewelry it was with the intention of it being passed on and not to be sold.

Yes the SD will be part of your family but not part of your grandmother's family.

I would be surprised if SD wanted it because it's not her grandmother/great grandmother.

Can I make a suggestion?

To plan over the years to buy jewelry for your SD and nieces so that there will be jewelry to split. Also if you have your own DD you may want to pass all your 'family' jewelry on to her.

You could even have the family jewelry copied.

I'd probably start with the wedding and give all three girls something from you both.

It's such a personal and sentimental thing. I was and remain grateful to a relative who took my nana's jewelry to split between me and the only other grad daughter.

My mum had wanted it to pass on to her grandchildren, they will probably end up with it anyway but it means a lot to me that I have it now.

aSofaNearYou · 17/02/2021 10:50

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam

I can see his point. You're leaving his dd out, maybe he's shocked as he thought you cared for her more than you do.

I am a stepmum too and there's no way i would leave my dsc with nothing if i was leaving stuff to nieces and nephews. My hierarchy would be, my children, my dsc, then nieces and nephews.

Jewellery, in particular, is often a family heirloom. It is frequently the only thing a family passes down from generation to generation. In the absence of OP having children of her own, passing them on to her living relatives so they can continue down the family line is entirely natural.

By contrast, I find it incredibly sad that he would expect, to the point of thinking he had a right to be angry about it, OP to forego that link to her family and identity, because HE has a daughter from an entirely different family line.

AuntyFungal · 17/02/2021 10:56

A slight aside - take pictures of individual pieces, label/describe them, name the recipient and keep the pictures with the will. That way there’s no mistaking which piece is which, who it is going to & should stop stuff going missing.

needadvice54321 · 17/02/2021 10:59

I think the leaving money to dsc to get at 25 is a tricky one - if she was left money with no age limit, then wouldn't she get it at 18 anyway? So hopefully past the point of her mother having to financially support her as such? My parents have put a similar clause into their will with regard to my DS receiving inheritance from them - there's no way they'd want to risk my ex (DS's dad) getting his paws on their money - and subsequently DS's future.

Letseatgrandma · 17/02/2021 10:59

It’s your jewellery and entirely up to you who you leave it to.

Youseethethingis · 17/02/2021 11:07

I’ve done the same as you.
My mums has started passing on her mums jewellery to me and I have some very old pieces from my dads family too. In fact, I wear my great grandmothers Art Deco style 100 year old wedding ring in the summer when my hands swell up in the heat.
My will states that my mum and brother will be in charge of all my jewellery and split between themselves, my children and DSD as they see fit.
My grans engagement ring for example means fuck all to DSD, who never even met her, and a hell of a lot to her grandchildren, so no I do not consider that DSD should just be getting a straight equal cut of everything.
Stick to your guns OP.

Crappyfridays7 · 17/02/2021 11:24

I have no jewellery that is overly precious but also have 4 boys. My first marriage I had my rings melted down & would’ve sent him in with them, I didn’t want to keep reminders of the evil twat or pads them on to my boys.

It’s your jewellery, sd will inherit from her own mother/grandmother or aunt. It’s not up to you to leave her stuff. However you may grow close as she gets older and change your mind or you have something else you can leave her. It’s not your husbands stuff so he has no say in it tbh it’s your choice

EL8888 · 17/02/2021 11:32

YANBU the jewellery is yours to do what you see fit with. Especially as some of it was left to you by family members and you obtained before you even met your DH. Your husband is getting way too involved l think, l would stick to your guns if l was you

EL8888 · 17/02/2021 11:33

My fiancé has some valuable books his grandad left him before we met. I wouldn’t start telling them who to leave them to. They are his books

BabyBee93 · 17/02/2021 11:47

Do not bend OP! Your jewellery, your family, your choice. Your STBH is being an arse!

NewScone · 17/02/2021 12:24

I agree with your view completely. If there is anything you feel you can leave them it might be nice for you to do so though.

GintyMcGinty · 17/02/2021 12:27

The solution is leave step daughter your engagement ring. You don't need to take it with you. You aren't going anywhere.

funinthesun19 · 17/02/2021 12:29

I can see his point. You're leaving his dd out, maybe he's shocked as he thought you cared for her more than you do.

She’s not leaving his dd out, because there is nothing to leave his dd out from. She doesn’t have a right to the op’s stuff.

To be honest, I can’t squeeze any sympathy out for a child who doesn’t inherit a necklace from their stepmum.

aSofaNearYou · 17/02/2021 12:31

@GintyMcGinty

The solution is leave step daughter your engagement ring. You don't need to take it with you. You aren't going anywhere.

Would she even want this, given the symbology, or would she just sell it?

softbrownsofa · 17/02/2021 12:36

I’d feel awkward if some jewellery was given to me over somebody who was actually related to the original owner, and I wouldn’t have much interest in owning it given that the sentimental value wouldn’t be there.

Hillary111 · 17/02/2021 12:36

If I were to leave my engagement ring to my SC, I would want assurance that it would be kept and passed down and not just sold for scrap. It holds sentimental value for me, not so sure if it would for SC.

softbrownsofa · 17/02/2021 12:37

To be clear I’m saying yes give it to your nieces!

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