AIBU - Leaving special jewellery to my nieces, NOT DH's DD?

[Idontknowhowtodothis]

AIBU?
My soon to be husband and I have been doing the will writing thing as we're due to get married soon and its caused a bit of a rift. My OH has requested that should anything happen to him once we're married His pension (we're both civil servants) and the house will come to me, his life insurance will pay for the funeral, and an amount will go towards whats left of the mortgage and then leave a nice sum for his daughter, in trust until she's 25, with various clauses to stop her mother getting her hands on it. He has also added that should we have any children his daughters sum will be split between her and her potential siblings.
My pension and life insurance have been split similarly, but adding my nieces (my brothers daughters - to whom I'm incredibly close to).

An issue has arisen around some diamond jewellery that I was given for my 21st and 25th birthdays....
The jewellery consists of a necklace, a pair of earrings and my paternal grandmother's engagement ring, (all nice diamond jewellery, but not, y'know, Cartier!) As well as my engagement ring...
I have requested that my jewellery is split between my nieces, with the exception of my engagement ring, which is coming with me.

Apparently, this is unreasonable.

My jewellery, and my grandmother's jewellery should apparently be split between all 3 girls. I have said that I have nice gold jewellery that I am happy to pass on to his daughter, but I want my "special" stuff to go to my nieces, and potentially my daughter (fingers crossed we're trying to fall pregnant!)

We normally agree on EVERYTHING financial, but this has become a bit of a sore spot!

Help!

I would expect his DD's mother to leave her jewellery to her daughter and you to leave yours to whoever you like.

I think you can leave your jewellery wherever you wish.

Can I ask if you might have any children in the future that you might want to leave your jewellery to? ( I wouldn't normally be so rude but I think it's relevant here).

If not then I would consider giving it (or some of it) to your nieces while you are still alive, then the will isn't an issue.

I did this after my DM died and gave some pieces to my Nephew's daughter so that she had some things to remember her GGM by. But it wouldn't have entered either my or DH head that any of my Mum's jewellery should go to his DGD from his first marriage (why should it). So I think you're DH is unreasonable here.

Sorry, I just re-read your OP and you say that you may have children together in the future.

I still think you're DH is unreasonable.

Your DH.

It’s your will and you should gift it to who ever YOU want to. As a beneficiary he can’t sign your will so if it’s causing problems I’d just say I’d thought about what he said and made some adjustments and just not tell him what’s in it.
But, I’d also be considering whether he tried to tell me what to do in other areas and thinking if marriage was a good idea.
I wouldn’t pass family jewellery out of the family line personally.

For heaven's sake, don't marry him.

He’s being very grabby.

Completely upto you who / where your possessions go. I completely understand why you would want these items to stay in your family.

I have a 15 YO SD who to be quite frank the older she has got the more unpleasant she has become (moody, manipulative, lies, won’t speak to me, look at me). When I go - she won’t be getting anything of mine. If she can’t be pleasant to me while I’m here she doesn’t get the benefits when I’m gone.

@Figgyboa

I think any jewelry accumulated prior to your marriage should be considered yours to do with what you want. Any jewelry after your marriage, I would include your DSD.

that makes sense to me.

Presumably his dd is inheriting from him

At this point I don't think there's any point arguing over this. She has no real claim to your jewellry, and I doubt she would even think about it. Things might change, you are TTC and might have your own DC. You might feel differently about giving it to your SD as time goes on

But right now your closest female relatives to pass on your jewellry to are your nieces, jewellry is mostly a sentimental thing

Absolutely agree with you. His daughter has her own mother to inherit Jewellery from, they are personal items and it's totally your decision, not his.

It’s your family heirlooms so it’s your choice

Why are you taking your ring with you? What a waste. Why not agree to leave that to his daughter?

Just one point though, what if you have a daughter? Will you leave all the Jewellery to them? Would that cause more issues?

Please double check this. Not sure but thought worth raising.

I've read something about wills becoming invalid on marriage unless something is put in them.

www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-may-aug-2018/how-does-marriage-affect-your-will/

You may need to revisit that will after the wedding.

My view re SD is that you need to let her father know that you will completely accept her, but the things that you can put aside for will come from your relationship with her father and not people that she has no relationship with. Perhaps you can talk about putting away something little from both of you.

Good luck.

Wow some people on here are weird. Why on earth would you leave any of your family heirlooms to your DSD? She can get heirlooms from her parents.

And no, I would not leave her the engagement ring your soon to be DH has given you as that would be weird - who would want their step mother’s engagement ring???

But the point that you made to your DP about how he could will some of his family heirlooms to your nieces as they are his family too is completely valid. Or at least as valid as the point he seems to be trying to make.

Some Disney dads and members of the first wives club would expect stepmums to pay out in advance of their death in pounds of flesh.

Annasgirl common sense seems to go out of the window when it relates to stepchildren. Somehow people seem to think that when children have stepparents, those children now have a whole other family to inherit from 🙄

I think the whole money in trust thing has been taken out of context. We fully contribute to his DD. We have 50/50 custody. But it is always us buys school uniform, pay for trips, pays for afterschool stuff, extra curricular stuff, Brownies, Karate, birthday parties... BM claims the child tax credits.
The trust is set up so that anything SD needs has to go through a trustee. The mother rinsed the few grand that she found in a bank account that had been set up on the child's birth. There is no way she could be trusted with a sum in the 10s of thousands! The issues with BM is a whole other story.
Me and the OH have had a long chat, and on your advice, I think I've made my feelings clearer, and he has seen the point I was trying to make. (Not that I care less about his daughter than he thought - whoever that was, I sincerely hope that one day, I grow to become as gracious and magnanimous as you, Theresa!)
SD should have stuff to inherit from her Motner, but sadly, she's just not that type of person. She had no relationship with her mother and sold everything from her mothers house before her sisters even got a look in... if that gives you all some context!
Peace and harmony has resumed once more!
Thank you all :)

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam

I can see his point. You're leaving his dd out, maybe he's shocked as he thought you cared for her more than you do.

I am a stepmum too and there's no way i would leave my dsc with nothing if i was leaving stuff to nieces and nephews. My hierarchy would be, my children, my dsc, then nieces and nephews.

Just a point that I've been thinking about.... if you read my post properly, you'd have seen that I'm not leaving my SD out at all. You'll have seen that I have said that i have some rather lovely vintage jewellery that I have worked for and bought myself that I'm more than happy to leave for her. Just not the diamonds that my now dead Dad bought for me! How does a child who has no biological links to my father have more "claim" on my jewellery than my nieces? My father's granddaughters?!

Could any jewellery her father buys for you in the future go to his daughter? Then it’s on him how much she gets.

@MySocalledLoaf

Could any jewellery her father buys for you in the future go to his daughter? Then it’s on him how much she gets.

As I said, I've already happily offered her some jewellery that I bought myself. (Ironically- a Cartier 'love' ring!) The only way this will change is if I have a DD in the future. Then SDs claim on 'my jewelery' is altered, in theory, she has her own mother to receive inheritance from. As a couple of other replies from stepdaughters have said - they wouldn't want their stepmother's jewellery. She also has DPs mother to leave her some rather lovely jewellery! I wouldn't be expecting DP to be bequeathing his mother's sentimental possessions, regardless of value, if I'd come into this relation with a child.

I absolutely wouldn't want my stepmother's family jewelry. She has two nieces as well, and some very nice bits from her first marriage. I would be very shocked if they came to me and my sisters, as I would expect them to stay in her family. Slightly different here as my Dad is already dead, and she inherited everything so we are slightly dependent on what she wants to do as she could well leave everything away from us. But that is her choice, however much it would hurt me

My wedding ring is made from my late mums eternity ring. She died 4 months before our wedding. I also have a ring if my grandmothers. Both pretty valuable - DH even says he's not buying me expensive jewellery again as he can't compete 😂. Me and DH have no kids and everything is split fairly amongst the nieces and nephews on both sides in the will we have written.

However, the jewellery that originated from my family will go back into my family when something happens to me - including my wedding ring. Husband is absolutely fine with this and actually wholeheartedly agreed. He has decided who my engagement ring goes to out of all the nieces, he bought it me, it's only fair that he chooses where that goes. Maybe that could be a compromise?

Definitely agree with you.

He’s thinking of the the monetary value of the items rather than the sentimental aspect and your wish to keep them in your family. Totally understand that he wants to keep the inheritance fair, but these are YOUR personal items of jewellery. The stepdaughter has no interest in or automatic right to the items, she is not your blood relative and you can do whatever you want with them.

Stick to your guns. It’s not about the money, these pieces have meaning to you and your family.

I can bet his DD won’t want your jewellery and it’s only value will be it’s financial value.