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Original poster

Honestly, does anybody else have moments when they're tired of being a step parent?

69 replies

LaBeu · 26/12/2020 18:15

I'm probably hormonal and I'll feel differently in a few days but today is one of which my OP applies.

I bought them what I thought were nice presents that i hoped would be well received, chosen with their exact hobbies and interests in mind.

"I dont need this" was the response to one of the gifts.

"I already know all about that" was the other DSC' response to another gift, a book about his favourite thing.

Its not the first time they've responded like this, the last time was a few months ago on one of their birthdays.

The icing on the cake today was one of the DSC saying "don't let him in" about my DS, when he wanted to go into his tent.

Small things in the grand scheme of things really, it just adds up.

Does anybody else get utterly fed up with being a step parent for whatever reason?

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Rubyshoes15 · 26/12/2020 19:52

Yes I have days like that. I don’t see myself as their SM just married to their dad. I get where you are coming from with presents. My SD who is 9 came today and she got her presents from us and other family members most are off her Christmas list her DM gave us with other little bits She’s gone home now and already two things are on Facebook for sale. Sometimes I don’t know why we bother.

Original poster
LaBeu · 26/12/2020 20:18

I'm sorry to hear that Ruby, I'd be pretty upset off about the selling presents on facebook.

Its a kick in the teeth when you try to make them happy and they respond with disinterest or even disdain.

I had high hopes for a blended family but sadly I was quite naive.

"I don't know why we bother" is exactly what I've thought to myself today.

OP posts:
Isitrainingihadntnoticed · 26/12/2020 20:21

I wait on my dss hand n foot. He's 13, don't even get a please of thank you. Does my head in.

Rubyshoes15 · 26/12/2020 20:22

The sad thing is it will be her DM that has done it. She was supposed to have stayed for a few days but she came and opened her presents went straight on her phone crying wanting mum to come and get her. I have 3SC 2 we only see during school holidays due to location one didn’t come and still haven’t had a thanks for the presents we sent her.

I was naive also and sometimes wonder if it was worth it but the good times do out weigh the battles

Serenschintte · 26/12/2020 20:26

Does their Dad pull them up on rude responses?
The other option (easier in non -Covid times) might be to get family gifts you can all do together - day out a zoo, escape rooms.
It sounds hard.

Rubyshoes15 · 26/12/2020 20:34

We have tried that but when we wanted to do it they were never available.

Original poster
LaBeu · 26/12/2020 20:36

I'm not sure if DH heard their responses to be honest, all 5 children were in the room and being loud (our two, and his three) and he was trying to placate our youngest who was having an epic tantrum.

I will bring it up tomorrow when they've gone home.

He told them to say thank you and they did, but it still stung.

Probably silly of me, but I was quite looking forward to seeing them open them as I was so sure they'd be well received.

On one of their birthdays a few months ago he, he was badgering and badgering for a specific birthday cake. I relented and bought him it as a treat (not cheap either) then when he got it he didn't want it anymore. I would be mortified if my children behaved like that.

Ruby, why was she crying to go home?! I ask as we have that alot with one of DH's boys. One exclaimed that he wanted to go home at 8pm tonight Confused

Isitraining, I would definitely stop waiting on him hand and foot. I must follow my own advice too, mind. Next time they come DH can do the lot.

OP posts:
CopperLamps · 26/12/2020 20:40

Definitely. But not because they are badly behaved. They just come out with stuff that makes me question my relationship.

Tonight, for example, the youngest (8) told me she really wished her dad would get over her mum being in a new relationship.

user1493413286 · 26/12/2020 20:46

Yes I find Christmas difficult as I put time, thought, effort (and money) into DSDs Christmas and I barely get a thank you; if I stopped though that would definitely be noticed!

Rubyshoes15 · 26/12/2020 21:00

I think it’s because we have rules not strict rules but things like no phones at the table and we all eat together if we can. At her DM she sits with her phone at the table or in front of the telly. I think she only came to get her presents and then wanted to go home. I really don’t know why she has her own bedroom to how she wanted it decorated but it still doesn’t seem enough. Her DM and DF have never lived together she fell pregnant when they were dating but they never formed a relationship. I think she just prefers to be with her DM which I get but there seems to be no encouragement with her having a relationship with her DF. I’ve known her 5 years and it’s got worse.

Original poster
LaBeu · 26/12/2020 21:42

Wow that must have been difficult to hear, Copper Sad

Do you think there is anything in that, or could it be that she's only saying it because she suspects it will cause a rift?

Ruby, ah that makes sense. I can relate to alot of that myself too, down to having known them 5 years. When they're at their mums they can sit on their phones and consoles from morning until night, whereas when they're here I won't allow my living room television to be taken over with gaming.

I hope things improve for you (and others here)

OP posts:
CopperLamps · 26/12/2020 22:44

Suspect that there's truth in it actually, and I've just about had enough.

He reassures me but then the children say stuff like that and I'm back to square one.

SandyY2K · 27/12/2020 00:50

Tonight, for example, the youngest (8) told me she really wished her dad would get over her mum being in a new relationship.

This sounds like something she's heard someone else saying tbh. Most 8 year old wouldn't conjure that from thin air.

Was he expecting his Ex to stay alone while he moves on?

LaBeu
It sounds like you do all the gift buying...maybe you should hand that over to their dad. He should really know his own kids well enough to do that.

I don't know the ages of your SC...but some younger kids lack sensitivity and appreciation. It's not good and the parents should pull them up on it.

Original poster
LaBeu · 27/12/2020 08:58

You have my sympathy Copper, that's an incredibly difficult thing to deal with - the prospect of it being true, that is.

I remember a few years ago when somebody DH knows asked him whether he would mind if he asked his ex on a date (the mother of his eldest DC) and I didn't like how he huffed about it afterwards. I asked what the issue was and he said "it's just because she has my children, thats all"

As though women who've bared children to one man must then stay single indefinitely regardless of the man moving on. There is a double standard for sure and it's ridiculous.

Sandy, he did a fair bit of present shopping this year but he never puts me and our children on the gift labels, so I felt obliged to buy for them myself so that they didn't feel left out or forgotten by me.

"some younger kids lack sensitivity and appreciation. It's not good and the parents should pull them up on it"

I agree completely.

I'm going to raise it with DH when they've gone home later on.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaBeu · 27/12/2020 08:58

Sorry I forgot to add, they are 8 and 9.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaBeu · 27/12/2020 09:07

I've just remembered another comment made about my gifts.

They had several each, the eldest one when seeing that the second gift label was infact from me again he says "you? Agaaaaain?"

Confused

These examples probably sound quite trivial to many reading, but they all add up to building a bigger picture.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 27/12/2020 09:16

@Isitrainingihadntnoticed

I wait on my dss hand n foot. He's 13, don't even get a please of thank you. Does my head in.
Why on earth are you doing that? You should respect yourself enough to stop it.
HeIsAVeryBadBoy · 27/12/2020 10:22

Thanks @LaBeau

@SandyY2K, she left him for the person she's with now. He stayed single for two years and got together with me two years ago. Just to clarify that as it could sound as though we got together and then she found somebody after that.

NorthernSpirit · 27/12/2020 11:17

I’ve taken a massive step back from my 2 SC (now 12 & 15) in the last year and the effect on my MH has been immense. I have known them for 7 years.

The 12 YO boy is fine. But I have a difficult relationship with the 15 YO girl who is heavily influenced by her high conflict mum. After being ignored in the home I share with their dad, not spoken to and last no thank you for presents lovingly purchased.... enough is enough.

I don’t buy any presents or do anything for them. The relief is immense.

Rubyshoes15 · 27/12/2020 11:34

That’s what I am doing. I would be mortified if my own children behaved like that with their SM.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 27/12/2020 11:44

You all sound like lovely Step Mums :)

LouJ85 · 27/12/2020 12:19

Yes I have days like that. I don’t see myself as their SM just married to their dad.

Same. Neither they or I have ever used the term SM - I personally dislike it a lot for my own reasons. I'm just Dad's girlfriend.

parentontheedge · 27/12/2020 12:47

Yes - to be honest there are many moments and I am seriously wondering whether I have it in me to continue.
Small things in the grand scheme of things really, it just adds up.
It’s all about the small stuff accumulating. The examples you gave OP sound horrible and I’m not surprised you’re upset by that.

Original poster
LaBeu · 27/12/2020 16:25

Thank you all for letting me know I'm not alone, I wouldn't dream of posting this on any of the main boards as I know i'd get torn to shreds and told to think of the poor kids.

Flowers to anybody else struggling with the dynamic.

They've gone home now, I'm not sure whether to raise it with DH or not. He'll probably think I'm just looking for a reason to moan.

OP posts:
Rubyshoes15 · 27/12/2020 16:43

I’ve learnt to bite my tongue if I do say something DH often says what can I do about it. It’s true he is powerless if he brings DSD up on her behaviour she refuses to come back. I’m hoping it’s just a phase and when she is more grown up things will get much better.