Honestly, does anybody else have moments when they're tired of being a step parent?

[LaBeu]

I'm probably hormonal and I'll feel differently in a few days but today is one of which my OP applies.

I bought them what I thought were nice presents that i hoped would be well received, chosen with their exact hobbies and interests in mind.

"I dont need this" was the response to one of the gifts.

"I already know all about that" was the other DSC' response to another gift, a book about his favourite thing.

Its not the first time they've responded like this, the last time was a few months ago on one of their birthdays.

The icing on the cake today was one of the DSC saying "don't let him in" about my DS, when he wanted to go into his tent.

Small things in the grand scheme of things really, it just adds up.

Does anybody else get utterly fed up with being a step parent for whatever reason?

@LaBeu
If i had known what i was taking on i most definitely would have walked away.

But my DC are my world and i am so lucky to have them.

The DSC i class them only as significant to my DH . And that wont change.

Discussions about pension lump sums and wills have been tricky to negotiate because my priority is my DC ( who financially have been much worse off than DHs 2. )

@ifonlyoureyessawsouls yep he also makes no secret of the fact he thinks l am only with his dad because he has got money - never mind that when we met, l had my own house and was fiercely independent with no idea that DH had a few quid. So l am not wasting precious energy trying to convince him! Maybe when he grows up a bit we can have the conversation again but until then, it is what it is.

This is very familiar to me OP - my SS is 7 and every Christmas and birthday so far he has massively pissed me off with rude and dismissive attitudes to gifts, to the point where I have lost any passion for buying anything for him and just leave it to my partner, knowing he won't be pleased whatever it is. I stopped watching him unwrap gifts too because it just wound me up. This Christmas he surprised me by being uncharacteristically good about his gifts, which will definitely turn things around.

In your position I would absolutely stop buying them things separately. And actually, I remember your previous thread about them dropping your toddler and your DP comforting them for it, and I was appalled by it. Similarly, I would be fuming about the doll. I don't think you should be questioning whether to raise things with your partner (and splashing out on gifts so their feelings aren't hurt in the meantime). You should be more assertive, and tell your partner that you are not willing to put up with these kind of incidents anymore and he needs to sort it out. Weird attitudes towards his ex and awful Disney Dad parenting are not adding up to a positive picture of your partner.

@Mincepiehangover DH’s ex cannot imagine anyone choosing to be with someone without getting something materially. She was only with him because he earned a lot. Once he’d married her and bought a house near the village she grew up in, she thought he’d have to pay for the house and her forever so she started cheating on him pretty much immediately. She was very angry when she learned that English divorce law expects her to take responsibility for herself.

She once accused me of trying to steal their house from her while their divorce was finalizing. I remember looking at the run down house in a location I wouldn’t dream of living in and thinking: but I own a much nicer house on my own, and it’s worth far more than this one. (Plus the consent order his solicitor had drafted gave her the equity from it - it’s just that it had to be sold and she wasn’t getting to keep it). She just could not imagine that DH’s money would not be a motivating factor in wanting to be with him.

Not that he had any money at that point - she was getting what there was in the divorce (and it wasn’t much as they’d chosen to spend on multiple fancy holidays a year etc rather than to save); all he had was a job with a good salary. And I’ve got a job with a good salary too (plus a much better pension). I’ve never been looking for a man to ‘keep me’.

She’s passing this ‘get wherever you can from anyone’ attitude on to her children. Alas.

What vile children! I hope the dads pulled them up on their behaviour.

@KumquatSalad exactly right - my stepson didn't think that up all by himself, his mum (very materialistic) has poisoned him into thinking that. You like to think one day they will realise they had it all wrong but when they are being brainwashed by their main carer, there is little hope. I am just pleasant to him as l would be any other distant relative but the days of wanting him to like and respect me are well and truly behind me now.

If i had known what i was taking on i most definitely would have walked away.

Sadly I agree. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

It would be much easier to respond to this if you asked is it ever ace, for a quick succinct no would be all it took ;)

Am I in the wrong??? I'm really struggling with the lack of consideration I get when it comes to my partners daughter. She constantly tries to avoid spending time with her mum and prefers to be at 'our' house, I.e her dad's house because she gets an easier ride from her dad. But I fundamentally feel this is wrong but it seems only I feel this way. Her mum accepts her being here more than at hers, her dad accepts it too. So why do I feel I'm the only adult concerned that the child is in charge?

Ah, now I feel for you here. My husband’s daughter runs the show too, and a shit job she’s making of it. Her mum’s house is turning into the local yoof centre, and they’re scared witless of ever confronting her about anything lest she kicks off again. Blackmail all the time. At least this year has broken the cycle of her trashing my house all the time.

At least this year has broken the cycle of her trashing my house all the time.

wow. Nightmare!

@LaBeu yes raise it, sorry haven't read all, I would also not tolerate this being said t me by my step kids and would raise it at the time. Also kids needs to get used to presents being from both of you, had to go through this adjustment process with my partner. Birth parents have a lot of blame for making step kids, unintentionally usually, guilt usually and wanting to maximise time with their kids, but in my experience that kind of attention isn't healthy.

That should have read, making badly adjusted and a bit self centred step kids.

our eldest did see the light in the end, waked out of their mums house as teenagers and never went back. Painful to get to that point.

As for step kids saying thank you, it does grate when they don't but I think we expect it of them more than we would our own kids, because we notice less the annoying things our own kids do, because we love them unconditionally.

Thank you for the replies, they are much appreciated.

Everybody else struggling with the same has my sincere sympathy.

I understand very well about the trashing the house too.

They're due to come round tomorrow and if I'm honest I'm not looking forward to it. That makes me feel guilty as sin, especially because I used to look forward to seeing them.

We're in Tier 4 here which means staying in much of the time and the park has been done to the death.

I saw a thread the other day by an adult step child talking about how step children have it much harder than others and how life is generally shit for them, that has only made me feel even worse.

I am to the point where I keep thinking I should have refused the first date if I'd known what hassle his Ew and 2 DD were going to be

Same here, moo - if it weren't for my DC of course.

The fact I sometimes wish I had them with somebody else speaks volumes really doesn't it.

Yes I’ve felt like this!

I’ve had my step son telling my son his Christmas presents were rubbish and things like that! It use to grate on me but now I step in and say something to stop it going further. I think it’s a jealousy thing and I have to remind myself he’s only a child!

It’s not easy! Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to be in this situation but that’s me being dramatic. I love my oh very much and let’s face it the kids will grow up and you can have your life together.

No but maybe I got lucky. I feel honoured to be in their lives but I know we are fortunate in that sense.

It's the hardest thing I've ever done at times