Honestly, does anybody else have moments when they're tired of being a step parent?

[LaBeu]

I'm probably hormonal and I'll feel differently in a few days but today is one of which my OP applies.

I bought them what I thought were nice presents that i hoped would be well received, chosen with their exact hobbies and interests in mind.

"I dont need this" was the response to one of the gifts.

"I already know all about that" was the other DSC' response to another gift, a book about his favourite thing.

Its not the first time they've responded like this, the last time was a few months ago on one of their birthdays.

The icing on the cake today was one of the DSC saying "don't let him in" about my DS, when he wanted to go into his tent.

Small things in the grand scheme of things really, it just adds up.

Does anybody else get utterly fed up with being a step parent for whatever reason?

@NorthernSpirit

I’ve taken a massive step back from my 2 SC (now 12 & 15) in the last year and the effect on my MH has been immense. I have known them for 7 years.

The 12 YO boy is fine. But I have a difficult relationship with the 15 YO girl who is heavily influenced by her high conflict mum. After being ignored in the home I share with their dad, not spoken to and last no thank you for presents lovingly purchased.... enough is enough.

I don’t buy any presents or do anything for them. The relief is immense.

Snap! Can’t think why it took me so long (10 years) to do this.

You're not alone. Last year, after insisting she wanted to stay Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (despite DP and his ex having already agreed what the plans were and DSD upending them), DSD woke up on Christmas morning, unwrapped her presents and then, whilst we were making breakfast, sent a text to her Mum asking that she be collected so she could go home.

I was absolutely bloody furious. DSD had essentially decided that there was nothing further to be gained by staying so she wanted to go home and presumably unwrap her gifts there.

At least to her credit, DSD's Mum made her wait until Boxing Day to unwrap the gifts at home, as per the original plan. But I couldn't get over the cheek of it.

Same. No thank you off the 16 year old again this year so next year i won’t be putting myself under any pressure or stress trying to find the perfect gifts because I simply won’t be doing it. I have to step back for my own MH. After 6 years I’m done trying.

Why is this the case and does anyone’s DH/DP pull them up on the behaviour or do they let it go like mine does because they don’t want to cause conflict. It’s hard for my own DC seeing them behave like that especially as if they did I would pull them up on it.

@Rubyshoes15 with my DH it’s a form of Disney parenting. When they’ve really misbehaved or upset me in the past with the bad behaviour / rudeness and I’ve looked to him to back me up his stock answer was “I don’t want this house to be the place where they get told off”.

This is why I’ve now taken a huge step back and do nothing for them and they’re only allowed to be in the house if he’s here.

@FoxtrotOscarPoppet that’s exactly how I have got. My DH had 2 DC that only come in holidays due to location. One don’t come anymore his DD his DS is lovely. DH and EW divorced 13 years ago. He has another DD who was a result of dating no relationship ever between him and his DD DM this was 9 years ago. There’s no reason for the hostility or rudeness.

How do you manage with taking a step back how has that affected your relationship.

Why is this the case and does anyone’s DH/DP pull them up on the behaviour

Mine does. He's good at the discipline side as well as the fun side. Suppose I'm lucky in that respect. I don't get involved with anything when they're here, I don't need (or want) to.

She’s gone home now and already two things are on Facebook for sale

😳 that's so rude. I would never buy her another thing. Ever.

There are some bloody horrible children , my lovely Dsis had all this shit over the years. The SC openly discussed over the phone to their equally awful mother how much they hated the gifts they'd been given. How her (wonderful) cooking was " disgusting" ugh.

BIL is a Disney dad and did nothing. They are young adults now and just as fucking vile ,greedy and ungrateful. She's been worn down for so many years. They are awful and I wish she'd never met him or them.

Sorry some of you have such awful children in your lives. I would do nothing for the little brats.

with my DH it’s a form of Disney parenting. When they’ve really misbehaved or upset me in the past with the bad behaviour / rudeness and I’ve looked to him to back me up his stock answer was “I don’t want this house to be the place where they get told off”

This was always the case in our house too. I had to really put my foot down because it got to the point whereby DH would tell the toddlers off (our two) but never his older DC who are 8 and 9.

Things come to a head when I snapped and swore at DH for ineffective parenting after his eldest dropped my DD on the floor who was 18 months at the time, then comforted him because he didn't want to be told off.

To his credit DH has bucked up his ideas and is now much more on the ball when it comes to repremanding them, but things like my OP still slip through the net or go over his head.

I think those of you here who have decided to take a massive step back for your own sakes have got it right, I'm going to be doing exactly the same from now on.

No more going above and beyond from me.

How do you manage with taking a step back how has that affected your relationship.

I’d just had enough one day - I literally spent the whole day crying and felt emotionally drained by it all. The next day I sat him down and told him how I’d been made to feel - gave numerous examples over the years and said I couldn’t / wouldn’t do it anymore. They were his responsibility and that’s how it’s going to roll from now on. It was like someone had flipped a switch. He was very quiet at the time and following that we had a few rows about it but I’ve just stood firm.
I think now he realises just how much I did for the best part of a decade and he does end up stressed out and pulled in different directions at times. It’s not nice seeing him stressed but this was completely avoidable - I wasn’t asking for his kids to be perfect, I just wanted his support at times. He’s learned the hard way. It was make or break at that point for me.
I’m a lot less stressed. My mental health has benefitted hugely. He still has the odd dig at me about it but I just ignore it.

@FoxtrotOscarPoppet that so good to hear. I’m going to take a leaf out of your book and concentrate on my two and leave him to deal with his DC. I will be there if they need me but won’t go out of my way with them anymore.

Well I've just been putting the kids toys away and one of DD's new dolls I bought her for Christmas has had its hair chopped.

She's 20 months and can't use scissors, my three year old is severely autistic and can't use them either.

Doesn't take a genius to figure it out does it

I presented it to DH and he suggested we may have accidentally cut it when cutting the doll out of the box which is total BS as I've seen and picked up that doll numerous times after unboxing it and the hair was perfectly in tact.

@LaBeu that’s so sad and totally uncalled for. That is a big bug bear of mine people ruining other peoples belongings especially on purpose.

Sandy, he did a fair bit of present shopping this year but he never puts me and our children on the gift labels

Have you discussed this with him? I mean you're one household....why wouldn't he write all your names. That's strange.

I remember a few years ago when somebody DH knows asked him whether he would mind if he asked his ex on a date (the mother of his eldest DC)

My view on this...is not so much that he expects his Ex to stay single...but the fact that someone he knows wants to ask her out.

I don't know how close him and this person are...but can't he find anyone else. Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't want to date someone if a friend previously had a relationship with them. If it was a passing acquaintance maybe...but a passing acquaintance is unlikely to even have my contact details, so I'd be less bothered.

@HeIsAVeryBadBoy

@SandyY2K, she left him for the person she's with now. He stayed single for two years and got together with me two years ago.

I see. Now you've explained it, I can understand a bit better, as being dumped for someone else (the OM) can make you feel not good enough and you'll never be thrilled about it.

It kind of sounds like she cheated on him too...which isn't explicit in your post....but to leave the father of your kids/husband, there must have been a relationship with her now DP.

I know time has passed, but there's still a sting to being rejected and I don't think his feelings about her relationship are unusual giving the circumstances. He just needs to hide those feelings from his DC.

I don't necessarily think its a sign that he still has feelings for her...but more about how it ended and the betrayal.

Sorry...all that seems like a digression from the OP...but I found it worth commenting on.

It’s so depressing when a Disney dad will come up with a ludicrous explanation rather than consider the obvious fact that their little angel has done something and requires some discipline, @LaBeu.

It’s really unfair in your DD that her doll has been ruined by your DSC.

It's got to be an act of spite hasn't it, done on the sly..given that it was done so discretely neither of us saw either one of them in the act.

RE not putting the rest of us on the gift labels - I hadn't ever raised it with DH until the other day. He insisted I didn't need to go to the effort of buying them individual presents, to which I responded "Well I feel as though I do, because you never put my name on the gift labels and if I were them I might wonder why the gifts are only ever from dad"

He didn't have anything to say to that.

Oh the bloke who wanted to ask his ex out was an ex colleague of his who vaguely knew of his ex as they lived close to one another, it was years ago now but I've not forgotten his reaction.

18 years into being a step mother- and i still wish i was not a step parent.

I have honestly been the most accommodating and caring step parent , but its still an awful situation.

Yup. I can't be doing with the older ones really. I largely just look after my own dc and leave dh to his when they come. They've been very rude to me over the years and I realised I would never be in their favour so don't put myself out in any way

@LaBeu the blended family thing doesn't work.

We are at the best it's been ( which is still not great ) where me and our 2 DC have nothing to do with DHs other 2DC. ( they are past the age for contact visits now ).

I would have saved myself so much distress if I hadn't tried to make it happy families. It just doesn't work .

It was DSC birthday on Christmas Day. My DH went downstairs to sing Happy Birthday on his own down the phone- we just weren't interested because our lives & values are too seperate.

My stepson is an adult now bit tue penny dropped with me years ago but to try too hard with him. So when he is here l am always pleasant to him but l don't make plans to see him because he always cancels, l don't buy him presents, dh can do that and l always reply if he texts me but rarely text him first. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink and l can't make him want to see me so am past caring. Sad but true.

@parsnipsnotsprouts its the best way . It really is.

I was 26 when i set out as a step parent. I was very naive. Im now 44 and can see that the values of our 2 houses/ families are so different , and there are so many emotions involved it's difficult for anyone to be rational about things all of the time.

@Mincepiehangover so true .

My DSD years ago said "I dont come to see you - i come to visit dad".
And when you put it like that ... a) its true b) you reset your priorities.

I no longer used my wages to save for treats , days out, holidays, to take them on . Because I could have literally have flogged myself to make them happy ( and their happiness was something I really strived for ) but it would never have made a difference.

@FoxtrotOscarPoppet bloody hell I could have written your post to the last letter 😂

@SandyY2K

Thanks for your reply, you've actually made me feel a lot better about it (you guessed the scenario correctly) so I appreciate you taking the time to type that out. That's made a big difference to how I'm looking at it. I'm going to discuss it with him but I'll wait until the children have gone home.

I was 26 when i set out as a step parent

I'm 26 and often wonder what on earth I was thinking back then by taking all of this on, but I do love DH and wouldn't be without him and our DC. I accepted (and continue to accept) that he comes as a package, to an extent, but whilst I would never want to exclude the DSC I don't think I'm being too unreasonable to feel a bit fed up with some of their behaviour sometimes. Thank you all for the solidarity and reassuring me that I'm not a wicked step mother and that my feelings are valid.

I decided not to mention anything about the presents after all but I think he could sense that I was less than happy about something as he made a point of bringing up the comment DSS made about not letting my DS into his tent, and said he wouldn't be standing for any more of the same.