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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Sometimes it is hard not being no 1 priority!

33 replies

malificent7 · 06/02/2018 08:58

I am well aware how selfish that sounds. We both have kids and if course they both come first. It can ge tough sonetimes when you cant move foward together as you'd like because kids come firat.
I think id feel that in a normal couple....not just a blended family.

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Original poster

malificent7 · 06/02/2018 09:04

Things like dp is doing school drop ofc this week as his ex has stitches after a c section( baby with other man...her current beau...lovely but it means it has messed up our plans for trying to move in. I had noone when i had stitches and she gets two men running after her!!
Guess im just jealous! I spose i didnt have an older chikd to look after either though.

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MistressDeeCee · 06/02/2018 09:08

It does sound selfish. But we as humans beings aren't entirely selfless. Everyone wants to be a priority at sometime or other. Why not? I'm skeptical of Mummy Martyrs and any wide-eyed pretence that they are ALL about the children.

Blended families = the absent parent at times over-compensating for not being there daily with their child, then everything and everyone else gets pushed out. I'm not saying that's your situation, just that I've seen it happen.

It'll change as the children grow older and more independent (& you'll probably miss their younger years)...Then you can go wild🙂.

Patience is a virtue so they say

Original poster

malificent7 · 06/02/2018 09:11

Yes....i know.He's worth waiting for. It's not even dps fault. She cheated on him.
any time with his dd he will quite rightly grab.

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Winosaurus · 06/02/2018 10:17

This was a major issue with my DP when we first got together - his kids’ wants would come first, last and in the middle and they were always his priority even if it was detrimental to himself, his work, or our relationship.
Kids needs should always come first but not always their wants e.g. he would cancel long standing plans with me to appease them and it hurt me a lot.
I’m a mother of two DCs too so it’s not as if I don’t understand about how kids need to feel loved, cared for and important but there were times I felt I was unnecessarily disregarded just to appease his kids.
My children are the most important people in my life but they are not my whole life and I’m not afraid to sometimes say no or occasionally put my wants before theirs.
As time has gone on our relationship has become more balanced and he will at times say no to them - never anything important but maybe turning down their requests for bowling/cinema if I’ve arranged childcare for my two so we can have some grown up time.
It’s important to feel like you are also a priority to your DP otherwise resentment can brew.
Things have settled nicely now and I understand I am also extremely important to him but there are time’s where either one of us has to step back and focus solely on our own kids.
Funnily enough the things he used to do for his DC and his behaviour with them that used to annoy me are now some of my main reasons for loving him

Blackteadrinker77 · 06/02/2018 10:53

He isn't "Running after her", he is taking his child to school.

Children still need taken/collected to/from school even if you are moving in with your current beau.

Winosaurus · 06/02/2018 11:05

Black he is having to accommodate his Ex’s circumstances, that’s what OP meant.
It can fill you with resentment when your DP has to change normal plans as the ExW has changed hers.
However OP the ExW has had a a c-section and I don’t feel it’s her new DP’s place to be filling in where the child’s dad is able... maybe your DP is like mine and wants to run around after his kids because he enjoys the extra time with them?

It’s different when it’s short notice, annoying / lazy parenting that means your plans change.
My DP’s Ex gets the kids to ring him crying because they need something /money/ picking up at 8pm at night and Mum is refusing to help them?! That’s unreasonable... helping take DC to school after Mum has had an Op isn’t x

Original poster

malificent7 · 06/02/2018 11:18

I know...i do think he's a darling to do it really. I admit im jealis vecause after my c section and infected scar i had noone to help me....i just got with life.
Granted i had no school run so different.
I like his ex but i feel that she has two men helping her whereas i get only a bit of dp.....he does loads for us but we do have to share !!

And yes...it's the change of plans. Alone with my dd i just had to get on with it.

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Original poster

malificent7 · 06/02/2018 11:20

Agggrrr....typos!!

Jealous because....

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Original poster

malificent7 · 06/02/2018 11:21

Tbh....if i was him id grab as much time with dc as possible!

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Winosaurus · 06/02/2018 11:38

No I totally get that and I can feel the same at times.
I’m very independent of my ex and wouldn’t ask anything of him outside his contact time for example, yet his ex is constantly asking for help or money and I find it frustrating! She also has a live-in partner so I feel he should be helping a bit more (like fixing her fecking washing machine!)
And I too feel like she gets 2 men whilst I have only part of DP
I’ll be honest in saying I resented his kids for a bit until I realised it was misdirected anger and jealousy towards his ex. She’s so needy and it’s infuriating... DP over the years has got better at discerning when her requests are actually for her rather than the DCs but she’s clever at manipulating him.
I would never dream of asking my ex to do the things she does, it actually makes me cringe that she seems incapable of supporting herself properly.
Feel sorry for the Ex... imagine needing your Ex that much? shudder

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 06/02/2018 11:53

It does suck really. My DP still does the school drop offs - while his Ex is just sat in the house with her car parked outside!

However a temporary arrangement, like c section, it’s understandable as it’s for the kids.

Kids shouldn’t always come first. But their needs, getting to school, then they do. Their wants don’t always come first.

Cabininthewoods69 · 06/02/2018 18:57

Not selfish as you don't act on it. We all like to co.e first sometimes

SandyY2K · 06/02/2018 19:35

It's not 2 men helping her. It's one man stepping up and doing more with his child.

You being alone when you had a section is not her fault.

You do sound a bit childish on that score.

Winteriscoming18 · 06/02/2018 19:43

Sometimes when you co-parent it involves helping the other parent out. My ex had major surgery on his leg due to childhood cancer it affects his mobility. I took ds round for his tea with his df and his dw dropped him back off later. Ex has returned the favour when I was in labour for several days and was unable to care for ds

Original poster

malificent7 · 06/02/2018 19:57

I know...perhaps im childish but she has her current bf and my bf on hand to help out whilst my bf wont ever be able to be there just for dd and i.

That's fine but sometimes it makes me sad.

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wowbutter · 06/02/2018 20:06

You're jealous because she has had a section and is getting help?
That makes me feel sick. Her getting help has no bearing on the help you received, in fact, you should feel empathy as you recognise it was hard when you had to do it alone so why would you wish that in someone else?
She doesn't have two men running after her, your dp is caring for his child while her partner helps her.
If this really bothers you, maybe is a thing you should have considered before dating a man with children and baggage?
Please get some empathy and stop focussing on what you don't have.

LemonMuffin837 · 06/02/2018 20:15

Hi, thought I'd join in, I am with someone who has two lovely children who he can't say no to and a very fucking annoying ex who knows this and takes advantage!
She text him other day asking him to get her some milk because his son wanted cereal and she didn't have any 🙈 she lives 5 min walk from a shop.
She also expects us to give her spending money whenever she takes the kids away.
DP gives in and gives her it because she makes out it's for the kids and they won't be able to have a good time without it.
When it was the holidays over Christmas he had to give her money to take his daughter out as she 'couldn't afford it'.
This is coming from someone who goes abroad at least 3 times a year without her children.
I could go on but I would end up writing a book.

Winteriscoming18 · 06/02/2018 20:26

No disrespect but your dd isn’t his responsibility but the child he has with his ex is. If she is unable to take them to school why shouldn’t he step up. What would happen if she was poorly in hospital? Or if got forbid she passed away? Lemons situation is completely different and in way comparable getting milk to taking a child to school..

Magda72 · 06/02/2018 21:44

It is very hard not being no 1 - I don’t think any person with sc doesn’t think that if their being honest.
Like winosauros I would never ask anything from ex outside contact hours bar it being a dire emergency/illness/similar. Speaking as an ex wife if I ask for extra assistance I’m not asking it for the kids I’m asking it for me & if I have to ask it means that I haven’t built up enough of an independent life away from my ex.
When my exs dp had her first dc by section three years ago they organized for her dm to do the school run for my dc on his contact days.
Op I can understand your dp wanting to help his kids out if exw is stuck for help but otherwise she & her dp should have a system of help in place.
My dps ex does similar - rings at 1am cause she’s found a leak, looks for lifts to airport because she doesn’t like driving on the motorway, rings him from the car to ask him to stop the kids (11 & 14) fighting in the back seat!?!
He used to capitulate because she’d request this stuff in front of the kids (she’s the arch manipulator) but now he just says no. Btw they’re divorced years!
I honestly think a lot of men need Counselling to deal with needy exes as they really need to learn to differentiate between assisting their dc & assisting their exes!

SandyY2K · 06/02/2018 23:35

my bf wont ever be able to be there just for dd and i

Your DD is not his responsibility..it seems her father isn't in her life. That's not the Exes fault.

Her current partner doesn't have parental responsibility for your BFs child....

How old are you.

Original poster

malificent7 · 07/02/2018 12:01

Look...i know im being childish and unreasonable. Of course i empathise.

I get on well with her but she cheated on him and that makes me cross. I feel better about all that today.

After all if she hadnt cheated i wouldnt have my lovely dp.

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Original poster

malificent7 · 07/02/2018 12:02

I know dd isnt his responsibility...she dosnt want him to be.

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Winteriscoming18 · 07/02/2018 15:41

Who said she cheated? Your dp? My ex might say the same he isn’t going to admit it was him cheating. Also what relevance does their past relationship have on your current one?

Blackteadrinker77 · 07/02/2018 15:50

.he does loads for us but we do have to share

my bf wont ever be able to be there just for dd and i

I don't think you should have a relationship with someone who already has children.

HoliGram · 07/02/2018 16:06

You're right malificent. It's super hard! And good for you for being aware of difficult emotions and being able to be honest with yourself. That's something to be proud of, not ashamed of. I hope once the ex has healed up you and DP can book some quality time together and reconnect, I think it will really help - good to have something to look forward to to get you through a tough time.

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