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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Last minute request from son and ex

57 replies

tobeworriedaboutthis · 03/02/2018 06:21

What would you do in this situation? Have fallen into a bit of an ad-hoc arrangement with ex in terms of care. Used to be eow, but we are a bit out of sync with the holidays etc. Ex sent me a text this morning, DC would like you to take them to hockey selection this afternoon and I have a date tonight so can you drop them off in the tomorrow morning ? My wife has a work event this afternoon which I have previously agreed to attend. Currently DC is feeling a bit upset and generally angry with the world. (There has been a lot of changes at mums recently) I don't want to let DC down, but I know if I say I can't go to the event with DW it will upset her immensely as she had recently expressed that I always change plans and let the weekend revolve around DC while they are here. Help ! I don't feel I can win at the minute ....

OP posts:
SD1978 · 03/02/2018 06:26

You can’t win. That’s the sad fact. I would be supporting your wife- this is last minister and it’s nit fair to expect you to drop everything because your ex has made arrangements on a night the kids have something on. If you can I d be going back to a more structured visitation, so that you can actually have things planned around when they will be with you, instead of having to always cancel your plans. That isn’t fair to you or your wife. Ultimately though, someone is going to be disappointed. Good luck!

SD1978 · 03/02/2018 06:26

And I doubt your kids suddenly decided they wanted you to take them- she has a date and won’t take them.

Pleasebeafleabite · 03/02/2018 07:18

Does your ex assume it’s your weekend? That’s how it reads to me

What exactly has been the recent weekend pattern

swingofthings · 03/02/2018 08:05

You've got to say no. Your ex might have asked to because she expects you to do it but thinking that you might not mind if you don't have plans.

You have to say that you would really had liked to do it but explain about your wife work event that you have already committed to.

If there's confusion around whose week-end they are due to be with you, than that's another issue.

ladymelbourne1926 · 03/02/2018 08:17

You're not going to be able to win here sorry, someone is going to be disappointed.
Is it you weekend, roughly speaking, I mean did you see them last weekend? If you didn't I'd probably say yes to your child.
How amicable is your relationship with your ex can you explain you've already got plans this time, have them next weekend?
Then I'd formalise the eow thing ASAP so everyone knows what their doing from now on.

Bluedoglead · 03/02/2018 08:20

What age is D.C.

Winteriscoming18 · 03/02/2018 08:23

Depends on the age of then child doesn’t it. Sometimes set days when they hit adolescence don’t work as they want to be out socialising with friends or bf/gf.

Canyouguess · 03/02/2018 08:32

Your ex said “you always change plans”

Do you?

Brickswithstones · 03/02/2018 08:36

OP's DW said " he always changes plans " , not OP's ex

swingofthings · 03/02/2018 09:12

By the way, this happens in 'normal' families too. My friend DS has an important football game today and he really wanted his dad to take him this one time. Dad works away, so normally my friends does it all, but he was supposed to be back this week-end. However, something urgent happened at his job and he couldn't get back yesterday and won't be arriving home until the game is due to finish. My friend had to take her youngest to a birthday party, so her eldest will have to go to the game with another friend. He is gutted but that's life. Friend reminded him that it's tough but at least he gets to enjoy his favourite activity and that some parents can't afford to pay for their kids to do so.

Original poster
tobeworriedaboutthis · 03/02/2018 09:40

We've basically had DC at some point every weekend since the NY. DC is 10. We don't change plans, ex does. My dad massively disappointed me, I don't want to do that to DC

OP posts:
swingofthings · 03/02/2018 09:55

It's one day and you were only notified yesterday, surely it's not the end of the world.

Flexibility is great, and indeed works best for kids in that it allows them to do things they otherwise wouldn't be able to, but it doesn't mean that they can expect one parent or the other being there for every important event.

What would you have done if he lived with you and you'd known for a week? You'd still finding yourself with the same dilemma.

afishnotabird · 03/02/2018 09:58

Can she take them to the hockey and you take them in the evening after the event?

Pleasebeafleabite · 03/02/2018 09:59

Based on your update i’d go the event with dw. Could you have dc after?

BeatyBeast · 03/02/2018 10:01

Babysitter for dc this evening?

Somerville · 03/02/2018 10:08

I don't think I've had a weekend where my plans that suit me/DH haven't been messed around by the (constantly changing) needs of my children. It's the nature of parenting, surely? And as they get older, they are invited to things with very little notice - it's not like when they're little when their needs are more predictable.
Having a flexible arrangaement therefore sounds wonderful for your child, and your ongoing relationship. All the best co-parenting I see around me happens like that.
It might be possible to improve the schedule a bit by agreeing, a month in advance, a weekend where your ex has your child all weekend, and a weekend when you do. So you both have certainly about some child-free time. But you're more likely to be able to suggest that without offending your child and making them feel unwanted if you do it with some notice, and keep up the status quo in the meantime.

ugghhreally · 03/02/2018 10:09

As posters explained on your debut post, you need to actually start listening to and supporting your wife, so no I wouldn't let your wife down again if I were you.

Somerville · 03/02/2018 10:14

Not all poster are saying that, ugghh.

I can't work on weekend as I have children. And I can't support work events of my husband's (my older children's stepfather) at weekends for the same reason.
Except on the rare occasions we get a weekend 'off' parenting - which is agreed some time in advance, and still subject to change if emergencies arise.
That's not saying that OP definitely has to take his child to the event this afternoon; depends how much of a big deal it is/how disappointed child will be and whether it will risk a fracture in their relationship. But he shouldn't be shrugging off seeing his child all weekend, when his child is enjoying that kind of flexibility, and it's the status quo.

RandomMess · 03/02/2018 10:21

I think this time you stand firm, "sorry I am unable to I have plans that can't be rearranged. We need to get back into a proper routine so things can be planned better for everybody"

Is it just an afternoon thing with DW or an evening thing? Could you have DS overnight or not?

HeebieJeebies456 · 03/02/2018 10:32

We've basically had DC at some point every weekend since the NY.

So the ex is putting her boyfriend/social life ahead of her weekend/contact time with her son.
Tell her this ad hoc arrangement doesn't work for dc or you and she needs to stick to the previous arrangement.

It is not ok for her to expect you to regularly change/drop your plans at the last minute to accommodate her whims.

ugghhreally · 03/02/2018 11:08

Really @Somerville? https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3135985-to-this-this-could-be-a-sign-my-wife-is-having-an-affair

ugghhreally · 03/02/2018 11:08

I said debut post. Not this post.

Winosaurus · 03/02/2018 11:27

You have to say no to your ex! If my DP cancelled on me so how ExW could go on a date I would be devastated. Let’s be honest this is not about your child or his needs but about your Ex’s wants.
She has a date and now it’s not convenient for her to look after your son so she’s doing it under the guise of “he wants his dad to take him”.
I call bullshit on that one... my DP’s Ex does the same thing and we almost end up having them / taking them to activities which is fine but we won’t agree to it if we already have plans. And quite often the kids have definitely not asked specifically for DP to take them to wherever and are usually unaware of any such arrangements so it leads me to believe Ex is manipulating DP into thinking he is doing for the kids when in reality it’s for her.
If you don’t have plans then it’s great to be flexible but you’ve already promised to go with your wife... are her feelings not as important as your Ex’s?
I reiterate this is not about your DS but your Ex’s social life on this occasion. For the sake of your marriage say no this time and show your DW she is a priority too.

Winosaurus · 03/02/2018 11:28

*almost always end up having them

WhiteCat1704 · 03/02/2018 11:34

Support your DW on this. Get a fixed contact pattern in place.

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