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Step-parenting

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Last minute request from son and ex

57 replies

tobeworriedaboutthis · 03/02/2018 06:21

What would you do in this situation? Have fallen into a bit of an ad-hoc arrangement with ex in terms of care. Used to be eow, but we are a bit out of sync with the holidays etc. Ex sent me a text this morning, DC would like you to take them to hockey selection this afternoon and I have a date tonight so can you drop them off in the tomorrow morning ? My wife has a work event this afternoon which I have previously agreed to attend. Currently DC is feeling a bit upset and generally angry with the world. (There has been a lot of changes at mums recently) I don't want to let DC down, but I know if I say I can't go to the event with DW it will upset her immensely as she had recently expressed that I always change plans and let the weekend revolve around DC while they are here. Help ! I don't feel I can win at the minute ....

OP posts:
BrandNewHouse · 03/02/2018 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pieceofpurplesky · 03/02/2018 14:47

You sound like a good parent who tries to put their kids first. This time though I would tell the ex it is too late notice - but if you can have them later this evening.
My exh changes plans constantly and rarely has DS overnight as it is. It's a nightmare - if I ever ask him to have DS extra he is too busy.

crisscrosscranky · 03/02/2018 15:38

I'm not a step parent nor am I separated but I spend most of every weekend having to rearrange or cancel things because of my kids. Your DW needs to understand your DC come first- especially if they are having a tough time at home. If I were your DW I'd be a bit hurt and upset but as an adult I'd understand a child's needs coming before mine.

LizardMonitor · 03/02/2018 15:43

Say “sorry, can’t do hockey, but can do overnight’.

Probably too late by now!

Then get back into a regular pattern where everyone knows what is happening.

tobeworriedaboutthis · 03/02/2018 21:32

Offered to do the overnight .... but that didn't suit ex so she cancelled her plans. Wife was pissed off that I offered, as it would have meant rushing back and impacting our plans. I really can't win....

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 03/02/2018 22:02

At least you don't have to rush back.

RandomMess · 03/02/2018 22:04

You need regular contact agreed in advance and then stick to the plans you have agreed to with DW. Changing contact is fine unless it is impinging on your commitment to your DW like it has done regularly in the past.

tobeworriedaboutthis · 03/02/2018 22:12

DC feels let down by me, they are pulling away from coming over - or just coming over for shorter times. How can I regain control of the situation, hockey will be every week and DC wants me to take them but it will clash with a commitment I have with my wife. If I don't take them, the relationship will be further damaged adding fuel to the fire of letting them down. If I commit to taking them my wife will be put out !

OP posts:
jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 03/02/2018 22:30

What is your normal contact schedule?
If it's every other weekend, I'd assume that you and your ex would alternate taking your son to hockey.

You need a contact schedule ASAP.

tobeworriedaboutthis · 03/02/2018 22:44

Normal routine is EOW, DC would prefer me to take them to sport. Ex thinks it sends a positive message to DC for me to make that commitment and take them.

OP posts:
jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 03/02/2018 22:48

The point of parents alternating weekends is for both parents to get a chance to
relax with the child. I think it's fair for the parent who's weekend it is to take the child to hockey.
The "setting a good example" bullshit is about her getting out of boring bits like watching matches in the cold etc

tobeworriedaboutthis · 03/02/2018 23:08

Her argument is I don't do any of the mundane stuff through the week. So should be able to give up a few hours for DC. I would be happy to have DC through the week, but I travel a lot for work. DW has offered to pick up DC if I was away to maintain the routine. But ex won't agree to that, she doesn't want to upset DC's routine She wants to move to a weekly Friday, Saturday return Sunday morning arrangement. DW won't agree to this as she wants time with me over the weekend and already I play sport every Friday - so Saturday is our only opportunity to go out.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/02/2018 08:25

Well it's time for mediation then court isn't it???

You can have DC during the week your Ex can choose to have first refusal if you are away for business.

Perhaps if you do have DC every Fri & Sat then either you give up sport or use a babysitter??? However this arrangement means you can never go away for the weekend with or without DC and neither can Ex so I can imagine she will stilll want that arrangement to be flexible...

It does sound like your Ex calls all the shots to get what she wants out of your contact time!

I hate watching the DC play sports but ExW does too....

ApacheEchidna · 04/02/2018 08:36

Your wife is 100% reasonable to say it wouldn't be fair for you to have the DC every weekend. Everyone needs down-time.

Can you structure your work so that it is agreed you never have to be away from home one set midweek evening? Employers have to make reasonable adjustments for caring responsibilities. Scheduling work trips to be only on wed/thur/Fri would be a reasonable adjustments and you could then always have DC on Tuesday nights for example.

You certainly shouldn't drop plans last-minute so that your ex can have a date.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 04/02/2018 08:38

We used to have DSD on Wednesday night- Thursday morning plus Saturday teatime through to Monday morning every week. It meant we all got 1 weekend night + lie in so we could have a night out, plus 1 whole day to go out at the weekend plus Everyone helped with the weekday hard work + homework and any activities were facilitated by the parent who DSD always spent that time with. There was some flexibility for weekends away and holidays but that was all, so only a few times a year. DSD liked the arrangement as she always knew where she was every week. We liked it as it meant she really was a proper part of the household and not just a ‘visitor’.

swingofthings · 04/02/2018 08:58

As a single mum of a sporty 15DS, I can see it from your ex's perspective. I am assuming DC is a boy? At that age, boys want their dad to attend their sporting events because that's the time they feel they bond best with them. DS stopped contact with is dad last year and the fact that he showed no interest in his school and sport life was one of the reason.

I take DS and you can see the difference between the kids who come with their dad and those who don't. Out of 5 boys, 3 have separated dads, and all three don't bother to come whereas the others come with their dad who are fully involved with the team.

It sounds like there are two issues in your case, firstly a lack of clear organisation. It sounds like you need better communication with your DC so you know what is happening in their lives and their intentions/plans don't come as a surprise.

You then need to decide how you allocate your time. As already said, when kids do sport, your week-end life is messed up. DS had training football training yesterday and they were still not sure whether the game due to take place this morning, 1 hour away would happen or not or at what time. Got a call last night to say the game was on, needed to meet at 8:15, ready to travel for a start game at 10. That would have mean not being back before 1pm. Got up, went there, stood for 20 minutes in the cold to be told the other team had cancelled the game.

If you want closeness with your teenager, you'll need to be involved in these days. Your wife is being unreasonable to expect the entire Saturday dedicated to her. How old she is! Firstly she's got you all over time, even if you are busy during the week, and secondly, she'll have you for herself for many years to come in only a few years.

TryAgainAndAgain · 04/02/2018 09:04

You mention playing sport every Friday. Surely dropping that might help?

I know sport is massively important for some people - it is for me but you can't fit everything in. Taking kids to activities on Saturdays is fairly standard stuff.

SundaysFunday · 04/02/2018 09:08

Your wife needs to understand she married a Dad. Surely she encourages you to put your children first? She is an adult after all.

Ex sounds chaotic and disorganised, you need to get back to your original contact times and weekends, being too flexible means ex can take the piss.

I'm married to DC father, and we take it in turns attending sports events and lifts to clubs etc. When it's ex weekend she should be doing it all, and you should be when it's yours.

RandomMess · 04/02/2018 09:26

@swingofthings there is quite a bit of back story going on here that op has omitted!!

Think the DC is only 10.

@tobeworriedaboutthis even if you went back to EOW you could still go support DC on the alternate Saturday if you don't have plans/it's a home or nearby match.

I'm sure you DE is resentful because you continually try to put your Ex wants first. Is your DS only so very disappointed that you didn't take him because your Ex makes a big thing to him over it? Seems ironic that you are not allowed mid week contact and then Ex uses it as a stick to beat you with to get the contact arrangements she wants at the weekends!

Lweji · 04/02/2018 09:32

DW won't agree to this as she wants time with me over the weekend

Sorry, but that's life with children. You send them off to activities or birthday parties to get alone time or wait for the evening.

What would you do if you had your child all the time?
You'd have to choose between activities with him and your wife or together.

ladymelbourne1926 · 04/02/2018 09:36

If you drop your sport in Friday then you'd have that time with your wife to go out.....would that work?
Tbh I agree with your ex mostly, it would be good for your son to see your commitment in these circumstances with maybe the occasional swap. You would get to see your son every week and she would too.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 04/02/2018 10:11

Your wife is unreasonable to assume that a parent would be available every weekend. On the weekends that you have your son, she needs to adjust her expectations so that Thursday night or Sunday night is going out night. Is there an alternative club for you that doesn't practice on Friday nights so that you can go out with her then?

Did you get your son into hockey? I think that the idea that Dad's presence on the sideline meaning more than Mum's is based on the assumption that Dads enjoy sport more than Mums (and children generally spending less time with Dads) It is boring and mundane taking the kids to clubs so I understand why your ex would like to have weekends off but is there any chances of you doing any midweek training drop offs?

Whambarsarentasfizzyastheywere · 04/02/2018 10:22

We've basically had DC at some point every weekend since the NY.

So that's about 5 weeks then? And your ex has also had your ds at some point every weekend too, plus during the week as you travel for work so cant have him?

You need to get yourself a babysitter, give up your sport and stop trying to paint your ex as a selfish parent because she wants to date. Presumably you managed to date your now wife because she had your ds most of the time.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 04/02/2018 10:57

I think it's pretty crap to ask for the Dad to have the son last minute. Crap for the son as he hasn't spent a weekend with mum in 2018 and having a date isn't the same as say boiler has packed in so not hot water /central heating sort of emergency reason.

Is Dad supposed to keep every Saturday free just in case?

BewareOfDragons · 04/02/2018 11:32

I would tell our EX that she'll have to cancel her date, as you cannot take the DC to hockey at such short notice. You have another commitment. And you are not her delivery service. She can pick the DC up when you're doing her a favour on 'her' weekends.

I would also tell EX that of course you'll take DC to hockey --- EOW when you have DC. She will be taking DC the weeks she has DC.

Be polite but firm. She's taking the piss.

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