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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP and SCs holidaying alone

68 replies

Gogglerox · 16/03/2017 19:07

My DP of 2 years has just said he's booking a holiday for May for just him and his DDs but not inviting me and my DCs to come. He said he wants to just have them to himself. He hasn't taken them abroad for a few years but takes them on staycations a few times a year.
I'm a bit hurt that he was so blunt "not you, just my girls". It's the week after my 30th birthday he's planning to go and I was secretly hoping he might book a romantic trip for us around then so I feel like it's a double kick in the teeth.
I had a holiday with my children and my mum in October (she has a home in Spain) which I asked him to come on but his response was that he wouldn't go away without his children and he couldn't afford to take them at that time.
I just feel quite hurt. Am I being silly? It was just the way he was so adamant I wasn't to come (not that I asked). I feel like I'm continually put on the back burner for his children, which I don't do to him with mine - I try to be all inclusive and have his children join in whenever they can, even when I'm doing things on my own with my DCs I invite his kids along.

OP posts:
BlueBlueSkies · 16/03/2017 20:27

My Dh has done this every year for the last 10 years. It used to be at least twice a year, now it is only once.

I used to find it a bit upsetting, but he saw it as his time with his son. The holidays they went on were not ones I would have enjoyed, and I could not have afforded to take mine with them.

I now look forward to a week with them away and I can relax and have a chilled few days with my kids. I also make plans to have friends or family to stay.

Try not to take it personally. It will get better as you spend more time together and the kids get older.

Original poster
Gogglerox · 16/03/2017 20:32

Our kids are still very young so that's a long way away unfortunately.
He's booking an all inclusive package at a family resort so it's hard not to take it personally. I feel like booking my own week away with my kids for the week before or after and let him know how it feels. DP and I have not had a holiday together - either with or without the kids so I sort of begrudge him just taking his DDs without a second thought for us

OP posts:
Original poster
Gogglerox · 16/03/2017 20:35

Even if he could afford several holidays a year I wouldn't mind. But I know what will happen, I'll ask for us all to go away in the summer, or for him to come with me and my DCs and he won't have the funds because he'll have done this solo holiday... so we'll be into our 3rd summer together without ever having a holiday together.

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BlueBlueSkies · 16/03/2017 21:09

Dh did that too, he took DSS to a Mark Warner resort, I know my kids would have loved it. I do know how it feels.

We did not have a holiday on our own together for 8 years. We did make sure we got a couple of weekends together on our own a few times a year, which did help our relationship.

Being a blended family is very hard, I found the first two or three particularly so. Try not to let it get to you.

Original poster
Gogglerox · 16/03/2017 21:34

Thank you for your replies. I felt like I was being wicked step mum by being upset about this. Of course I know SDs need time with their dad on their own, I just felt a bit resentful and upset that it had to be a big lovely holiday without us.
DP has previously said that he won't holiday with my and my DCs without his kids because his DDs would be jealous - even though they also have a nice holiday with mum ever summer too. It's a big expense booking for 6 of us, but I don't see why I'm not allowed to have a holiday with my DP and my kids, especially now since we've been excluded from the holiday they're going on? I don't really want to holiday alone without my partner, I
I'm going to insist that DP and I have our own break - without any of the children so no drama is caused.

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hideehigh · 16/03/2017 21:42

Do you live with DP?
How long have you known the SDC?
Maybe they are still adjusting to you being in their lives? 2 yrs isn't that long in the grand scheme of things.
I think it was 3 years before me, DH, my DC, his DC all went on holiday together.
Have a holiday just you and your DC, don't get so wrapped up in DP that you don't want to do fun things with your own DC without him!

Original poster
Gogglerox · 16/03/2017 21:59

No we don't live together, been together almost 3 years and have been actively involved in SDs lives for 2 years.
Yes I agree hideehigh perhaps I shouldn't be investing so much time and effort into keeping his kids happy and just do some things to ensure mine are. I think I worry so much about making sure SDs are included without stopping to think if my own DC were going to be treated the same by DP.
It's definitely made me view the dynamics of the whole blended family situation differently, I have never in the relationship put my LOs first/above SDs or organised anything without considering/including them too (usually at my own finically expense). I've also provided childcare for DP and his ExP on numerous occasions without a second thought as I only work PT currently. Again at my own expense.
I feel like if we are not to be considered for such a big family holiday then perhaps I should reevaluate the situation as a whole.

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Original poster
Gogglerox · 16/03/2017 22:06

Financial expense I meant

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hideehigh · 16/03/2017 22:09

Your latest post sounds very sensible, but also quite deflated. If it makes any difference, we have a blended family that works very well, last year DH took his DC away without me and my DS- it was the only time he could get off work. I then took DS away on my own a few months after. It doesn't necessarily mean the end or that the blended family is fractured! When we have DSC over to visit (they live abroad so only visit every 6ish weeks during school hols) I make sure that DH spends time just with them, they visit us and see us as a nuclear family with "their" dad and it can be hard for them.
Blended families are hard work, but worth it!

Original poster
Gogglerox · 16/03/2017 22:13

Thank you for your encouraging words hideehigh xxx

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esmaesmomma · 16/03/2017 22:18

I think he sounds abit selfish and he isn't treating you with much respect. My ex had a daughter and he used to do stuff like this (we lived together) he actively excluded me from loads of stuff which shouldn't of been a big deal for me to come along and I always invited his little girl to stuff even text or called her mother to ask if I could help her out in the school holidays as she worked.

In the end I ended it with my ex because when I took him on I took on his child but he always tried to keep me at arms length with her and in the end I ended up resenting his dd which wasn't fair as it wasn't her fault!

ImpetuousBride · 16/03/2017 22:19

The considerate thing to do is to at least consult with you whether you'd be ok/happy with a separate holidaying scenario. He simply told you, like it wasn't any of your business. He's also said to you that his dd's will be jealous if not included, yet doesn't think your kids might be jealous?
Tbh, I don't like this lone mentality, like he's leading a separate life and not in a long-term relationship.. has he ever suggested you get together under the same roof?
You have a right to be offended.

Original poster
Gogglerox · 16/03/2017 22:19

I'm just feeling a bit like "we're a family when it suits them" right now, if that makes sense? I've put so much love and attention into my relationship with his DDs that it felt hurtful for him to then not ask us to join them. I also am feeling a bit guilty because for the first time I've felt resentment towards his children - I know it isn't their doing but I felt resentful that he's going to be spending this huge sum of money on them, and they're going the weekend closest to my 30th birthday - I was hoping to have a party 😥 Or at least that my DP would be planning something special for me.
I hate feeling like this, I am very hurt by it

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Original poster
Gogglerox · 16/03/2017 22:29

Impetuousbride - no he doesn't see that my children would be jealous because I'm not going.
I have to admit I'm the one who's feeling jealous, I feel sick with it but I can't help it.

Esmaesmomma - that's so sad. My situation is different because both parents are more than happy for me to have this relationship with SDs, they stay over at my house even when DP isn't around, I take them on days out and cook etc for them.
I think that's why I'm upset - I can be part of the family when I'm providing free childcare.
DP is supposed to have SDs EOW so I try to plan our time together on those weekends and organise that my children are at their dad's house. But we have SDs almost every weekend now, not that I mind I know they get less time with DP than my DCs do with me... but the overall feeling I'm getting now is that I'm just not as important to DP as I thought I was. His kids are obviously a priority, but I would like to be too.
Plans are cancelled because SDs want to go swimming / cinema / hang out at DPs house. Again not their fault, but I feel like today has put it into perspective for me.

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Underthemoonlight · 17/03/2017 07:00

TBH op you don't live together so you are as only blended so much, it's a total different dynamic when you all live together. It sounds like he feels guilty holidaying with you and your DC and been unable to afford to include his children and I think that's normal to feel that way. Maybe his children are jealsous of your DC and want some time to holiday with just there dad I don't think that's an unreasonable request. 2years isn't along time especially when you don't live together and if there's a chance you do move into together you may find it a lot harder in terms of blending your families further.

Original poster
Gogglerox · 17/03/2017 07:16

We are in the process of house hunting and his kids are with me so much, so I don't think it is jealously of my children I think it's him projecting his own feelings of guilt. Like I said I have his children with me a hell of a lot at their request and to help DP and his ExP with childcare.
His kids don't even know about the holiday yet so this is entirely off his own back. I feel very taken for granted right now

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Fishface77 · 17/03/2017 07:23

So stop doing all the donkey work.
Do not buy a house with this man.

Underthemoonlight · 17/03/2017 07:33

Could you suggest arranging a family holiday and you pay for your DC and his pays for his next year? Do both your kids get on?

Underthemoonlight · 17/03/2017 07:35

Maybe this is a last holiday just his girls before you both in together and blend fully? I get his point about not wanting to go away without his kids. But there's some comparises which can be made

Original poster
Gogglerox · 17/03/2017 07:35

That's what I thought we were going to do this year Underthemoonlight and is what we discussed, we had even been looking at flight prices for all of us etc. But now we are no longer invited because he feels "his girls deserve a holiday with their dad" on their own.
I will be looking for our own holiday later this month now

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Original poster
Gogglerox · 17/03/2017 07:37

Yes I understand that, but at the same time I would also like to have a holiday with my DP and I was looking forward to it

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Original poster
Gogglerox · 17/03/2017 07:38

Also he doesn't seem fussed about holidaying without his kids when he goes on stag dos or golfing trips

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Underthemoonlight · 17/03/2017 07:41

Sounds very much like this will be a last holiday with just his girls and wants to give his girls his time solely on them, remember he doesn't get to see them every day. I think you've got to allow him this. I think once you move in together however the dynamics of the relationship will change and your fully blended at the moment your relationship hasn't reached this level because you've never lived together . This isn't a snub against you maybe he wants to give his girls some memories just the three of them having you and your dcs will change the dynamics of the holiday.

llhj · 17/03/2017 07:42

This situation doesn't have legs, he's a user.

Ledkr · 17/03/2017 07:43

Can I put two different angles on it.
One Is that he does sound like a good father. My poor dd would just love some special time with her dad. He has 4 small children with his dp and Dd feels very sad that the only time she sees him is with them.
The other is that I've been with dh fit ten years and I still often take dd off on our own without him.
She was 5 when I met him and I just sometimes want it to be just me and her so i can concentrate fully on her.