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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP and SCs holidaying alone

68 replies

Gogglerox · 16/03/2017 19:07

My DP of 2 years has just said he's booking a holiday for May for just him and his DDs but not inviting me and my DCs to come. He said he wants to just have them to himself. He hasn't taken them abroad for a few years but takes them on staycations a few times a year.
I'm a bit hurt that he was so blunt "not you, just my girls". It's the week after my 30th birthday he's planning to go and I was secretly hoping he might book a romantic trip for us around then so I feel like it's a double kick in the teeth.
I had a holiday with my children and my mum in October (she has a home in Spain) which I asked him to come on but his response was that he wouldn't go away without his children and he couldn't afford to take them at that time.
I just feel quite hurt. Am I being silly? It was just the way he was so adamant I wasn't to come (not that I asked). I feel like I'm continually put on the back burner for his children, which I don't do to him with mine - I try to be all inclusive and have his children join in whenever they can, even when I'm doing things on my own with my DCs I invite his kids along.

OP posts:

Underthemoonlight · 17/03/2017 07:44

It's not about going away on stag dos it's the fact of matter he does not want to go away with someone else's kids and leave his own out. It's not a snub on your kids. My DS would be heartbroken if his DF went away without him and his sister and he was excluded regardless if he has a holiday with me he would want the opportunity to be included in holidaying with his father ( which in my case he is)

rollonthesummer · 17/03/2017 07:47

He sounds a bit of a user to be honest.

HelenDenver · 17/03/2017 07:49

As an aside: unless you have been very clear you want a party or trip,away for your birthday, it's not wise to expect someone else to fix this up.

AgentProvocateur · 17/03/2017 07:49

What's the age difference between all the children. You said yours are quite small, and small children do change the dynamic of a holiday.

Fishface77 · 17/03/2017 07:50

Stop looking after the kids. See how long the relationship lasts. I'm not saying he's with you because you look after the kids I'm saying that is a massive bonus for him and his ex dp

Underthemoonlight · 17/03/2017 07:54

I don't know what he's done wrong TBH they don't live together yet

Ragwort · 17/03/2017 08:01

I don't think there is anything 'wrong' with this arrangement - particularly as you don't live together so you are not a 'blended family'.

But if you clearly feel that holidays together are very important I would think seriously about whether you really want to live with this man. Your views and needs are clearly not very compatible.

Why not have a break from the relationship and see how you feel in a few weeks/months time - you might just prefer being on your own with your children and not having to provide endless childcare/entertainment for his children.

Redken24 · 17/03/2017 08:01

He wants to spend time with his kids - can understand you feeling pushed out but maybe the kids asked for just a dad holiday?

Ledkr · 17/03/2017 08:05

I think it's good that he wouldn't holiday with your kids if his couldn't go.
I know many do including my ex but I also know the hurt it causes to the kids left behind.
Imagine your dad taking kids on holiday that aren't his whole you sit at home.

Maltropp · 17/03/2017 08:06

I have a DP I don't live with, my kids are pre teens - 3 close in age, boisterous boys, DP has two who live at home in their early twenties so different life stages. I am happy with DP and DP adores and is lovely with my kids , my 3 adore DP too but I do just sometimes want to go away and do stuff with just my boys and revolve entirely around their schedule, not factor in another adult - I work That DP would find doing x, y or z with the boys tedious (I might too bit they are my kids so I stuck it up). When DP is with us I sometimes feel pushed and pulled in all directions making sure kids and DP get my time and attention. Some of it is guilt about not wanting to dilute the kids time with me, some of it is laziness and selfishness on my part.

I know DP can feel rejected when I ask for a weekend away just with my kids but we talk about it. It's not about me not wanting to be With DP it's about me wanting to sometimes prioritize my kids while they are small and still need me a lot....I hope we are getting there.

Just wanted to give a different perspective to OP

Finola1step · 17/03/2017 08:07

Nowt wrong with him having a holiday on his own with his ec.

Lots wrong with using you for free weekend childcare when he only has his dc EOW.

Maltropp · 17/03/2017 08:07

^^ worry not work.

TheVeryThing · 17/03/2017 08:07

I can understand him wanting to spend time with his dcs. Maybe you should do the same?
I think you've been a bit too accommodating in providing so much childcare and including his children in everything.
I would take a step back and concentrate on my own family, take it slowly and see how things go.

Original poster

Gogglerox · 17/03/2017 08:39

HelenDenver - I shouldn't have to tell him to do something nice for my birthday, that's what partners who care about each other do. I didn't need to be told for his 40th to do something nice for him, it's a given.
I had discussed having a BBQ at home with all our family and friends but he'll now be away for that.

My children are 3 and 6, his are 5 and 8 so not much difference in age.
It's not that I begrudge him going away with just his girls it's just hurtful that we only a few weeks back had been looking at package holidays for all of us and that was the plan, now he's decided it's going to be just him and his girls at one of the resorts we'd looked at!
Also the fact that he's taking them on the weekend I had said I wanted to celebrate my 30th.
I just think it's unkind and thoughtless to be honest. Why not take them at Easter or in the summer hols?

OP posts:

HelenDenver · 17/03/2017 08:43

I don't mean ignoring a birthday! But if DH wanted me to plan a party or a trip away for his birthday, I'd expect him to say so, otherwise i might just get a takeaway and a DVD, or book him a massage or something. Still "something nice" but you seem to b hoping for a big surprise

HelenDenver · 17/03/2017 08:44

It is a bit crap he has picked that weekend if you'd already discussed the BBQ though.

HelenDenver · 17/03/2017 08:45

Is it may half term he is taking them? Weather may be better than Easter but cheaper than summer.

Original poster

Gogglerox · 17/03/2017 09:02

Yes it is May half term, it's not any cheaper than July for the resort we were looking at. I also only work term time so that's why I was hoping we'd do something together that week

OP posts:

swingofthings · 17/03/2017 09:26

There are two issues here. The fact that he clearly wants to spend time away alone with his children, and the way he's gone about doing it.

I go on holiday alone with my kids every year and the reason why I do it is because I can then give them my full attention and it is much more enjoyable for me this way. When we all go together, I find myself under pressure to give them and my OH equal attention, having to deal with the fact that both want to do different things to fully enjoy themselves.

It works for us perfectly though as DH also goes away skiing with his friends once a year (sometimes twice) as he has done for many years even more he met me. However, we also make time for the two of us to go away twice a year for long week-ends (these are our xmas presents to each other) and every few years, we will make it a week.

The issue with you is that the dynamics of holidays have not been discussed yet and I expect from the perspective of your OH, this is because you haven't moved in together yet so he still considers your two families as distinct enough to make such decision.

You say you are planning on moving in together so this definitely needs to be clear before you do as as you're experiencing currently, resentment could take over otherwise.

Don't resent him for wanting to go away with his kids only, but do point out that for the sake of your relationship, you should also be arranging to make time to go away just the two of you. I do agree with you that arranging this just after your big birthday certainly lacks thoughtfulness and in your shoes, I couldn't help questioning his commitment to a long term relationship with you.

I assume he is taking them that week-end because of the school holidays, but since you'd be talking about doing something together for your birthday, his decision to go ahead and book something at that time without talking to you about it first is quite uncaring indeed.

jojo2916 · 17/03/2017 09:31

That's awful op it doesn't sound like he views you as a family, if my partner said this It would be over but your circumstances may be a bit different as you're not living together yet. Some people prefer to keep things separate with kids hols etc which is ok if it works for both of you but it sounds like you want to be part of his family he's making it clear you are not IMO so don't see how this can work. My dp treats my children exactly the same as his own as wouldn't consider doing this but like I said your situation is a bit different I suppose. My kids don't have a dad in their lives so that may be why he's been able to take them on as his own. Still I really couldn't be treated like this it's horrible but if you can cope with it I hope you can make it work.

2014newme · 17/03/2017 09:35

I think it's quite sad you say that you have never put your children before his. Why? His children are not yours! Put your children first, if you don't, who will?
It's fine to want a holiday with your own kids only.

HelenDenver · 17/03/2017 09:37

"There are two issues here. The fact that he clearly wants to spend time away alone with his children, and the way he's gone about doing it."

Yes, that is true. The first is fine, the second is unhelpful!

steppinstone · 17/03/2017 09:39

We do separate holidays and to be honest it is a relief. The dynamic is more natural and chilled.

My DH won't holiday with me and my dc either because his dsd gets upset. But it's the way it is. Blended families are a bit of a dysfunctional mess and things like this are a compromise and part of the deal I think.

Underthemoonlight · 17/03/2017 09:40

Maybe the girls told there dad they want to holiday with him only? Even with ages of the DC they are at an age where they could be demanding so trying to spread yourself been 4 DC three of which are fairly small. Could he have arranged a surprise for your birthday? Why are you allowing yourself to do childcare for this man when you don't even live together? I find that's particular odd set up.

steppinstone · 17/03/2017 09:42

Also I find it helpful remember or realise that a lot of my cross feelings in the early days were sadness at realising that our 'new' family was never going to be a 'natural' family and a lot of mourning about the loss of that possibility. Which again I think is part of the deal of a blended home. X

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