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Step-parenting

DP and SCs holidaying alone

68 replies

Gogglerox · 16/03/2017 19:07

My DP of 2 years has just said he's booking a holiday for May for just him and his DDs but not inviting me and my DCs to come. He said he wants to just have them to himself. He hasn't taken them abroad for a few years but takes them on staycations a few times a year.
I'm a bit hurt that he was so blunt "not you, just my girls". It's the week after my 30th birthday he's planning to go and I was secretly hoping he might book a romantic trip for us around then so I feel like it's a double kick in the teeth.
I had a holiday with my children and my mum in October (she has a home in Spain) which I asked him to come on but his response was that he wouldn't go away without his children and he couldn't afford to take them at that time.
I just feel quite hurt. Am I being silly? It was just the way he was so adamant I wasn't to come (not that I asked). I feel like I'm continually put on the back burner for his children, which I don't do to him with mine - I try to be all inclusive and have his children join in whenever they can, even when I'm doing things on my own with my DCs I invite his kids along.

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Gogglerox · 18/03/2017 09:17

RainbowsAndUnicorns my father passed away not long ago so my mum asked for me and my children to go with her to her home in Spain and booked for us, I asked DP and SDs to come with us.
The thing is I don't mind him spending time with them and going on holiday but it's the way he did it that was hurtful.
If he decides to do a separate holiday then I feel he should also allow for either a joint one in the summer or come with me on one.
I don't want to holiday alone that's the difference, I want to be part of a couple and part of a family. If I didn't I would be single.

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RainbowsAndUnicorn · 18/03/2017 08:59

I thin it's great he said no to a holiday when he knew his children couldn't go, he out his children first as it absolutely should be.

You still went away knowing he couldn't go with you due to finances but now have issues with him going away alone. Why was it ok for you but not him?

He should spend decent quality time alone with his children, they need that.

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Lunar1 · 17/03/2017 21:29

I would have given absolutely anything for a holiday with my dad and brother without his new family when I was a child. Sadly even an hour without them was too much.

The fact that he didn't talk this through with you though would ring massive alarm bells and I'd be putting moving in together on hold for now.

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OverOn · 17/03/2017 18:38

I think it's reasonable that he takes his own DDs away for a holiday on their own.

What isn't reasonable is that he is happy for you to provide childcare and put his DDs on a par with your own DC.

Your DC should come first for you - do you always need to include planning for his DDs in everything you do? Why do you spend money on making things equal if he isn't actually bothered? To be honest it sounds like he likes having someone who will take care of his DDs. That's ok. But not if it's at the expense of your own DC.

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swingofthings · 17/03/2017 18:19

He shouldn't have got into a serious relationship with a mum and her kids if he wants a separate family IM0
It goes both ways. If my OH had expressed a real issue with me still wanting to spend some quality time with just my children once a year, then there wouldn't have a relationship and then marriage for us.

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user1486915549 · 17/03/2017 15:53

You sound as if you are doing too much childcare for him and his ex.
You don't live together and they are not your stepchildren.
Plan a lovely holiday for yourself and your children too.
I don't find it too unreasonable , to be honest , that he wants to take his children on holiday.

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Wdigin2this · 17/03/2017 12:54

Well, I think in your heart you know this is not working for you...so at the very least disengage a little. When an opportunity comes up to treat you own DC, just do it, don't think beyond what pleasure your kids will get out of it....and consequently you!
If it's remarked upon, just say you were having down time with YOUR CHILDREN as [you know he'll understand]

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HelenDenver · 17/03/2017 11:32

I'm not saying there's nothing to be resolved and the birthday thing is thoughtless but he's not been totally crap!

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HelenDenver · 17/03/2017 11:20

"a mum and her kids if he wants a separate family IMO"

Eh? She has got into a serious relationship with a dad and his kids.

They don't live together right now and she is taking/has taken her kids to Spain - yes, she offered for him to go too but he didn't. So both sets of kids are spending holiday time one on one with parents.

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jojo2916 · 17/03/2017 11:16

Going away alone with his DC is lovely, but it shouldn't be at the cost of the step-parent or the wider family unit. If this man lived with the OP and i am guessing her children, what message does that send them? It has to be equal for everyone.

This^

He shouldn't have got into a serious relationship with a mum and her kids if he wants a separate family IMO

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Gogglerox · 17/03/2017 11:04

Greystars thank you for your kinds words and understanding xx
Swingofthings I'm hoping things will even out more as time goes on, I really am trying and want to feel like he is too xx

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swingofthings · 17/03/2017 10:50

Steppinstone I think you have summed up how I'm feeling. I want my happy ever after and for us all to be one big happy family.
I think I'm fast realising that's not going to be a reality

For one, the dynamics can change a lot once you move in together, so you can't reach that conclusion yet. OH was very anxious about us moving in together because he was worried about losing his independence that he valued so much. It only took month before the cards were turn the other way and I was the one encouraging him to go out with his friends whilst he was happy to stay home and spend with me. Even holidays, he is still happy to go on his holiday with the boys but miss me much more when he does than I miss him when I go away with my kids! For all you know, in two years time, he will be the one wanting a holiday all together and you'll be the one wondering how you can tell him you want to go away with your kids only!

Also, even if you don't have your perfect happy family, it doesn't mean that you can't make it work or be happy. I feel the opposite, that in a way, I have the best of both world. I know many of my friends who have their 'normal' family envy the fact that my kids go to their dad every other week-ends and OH and I have a lot more couple time together than they do.

The issue is not about the dynamics of the family, as it's been said, there is no right or wrong, it is what suits both and in your case, your issue is the lack of communication, including both expressing feelings, but also listening to how the other feels, so that you can come up with a compromise that you can both live happy with.

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GreyStars · 17/03/2017 10:44

I think step-parents need to remember that they are very much allowed to have needs and wants. Biological parents in all family set-ups do, step parents often get sidelined, and it seems to be to a far greater extent when they are a NRP-step.

I feel for you OP just because your partner is a NRP doesn't give him a pass on caring about your needs or wants.

i think the not living together is a bit of red herring, as you say that you see his DC a lot and therefore it sounds like your mostly living together? Certainly when with them?

The OP wants to celebrate her 30th birthday, she has shared this fact with her partner, including when she wants to celebrate he has decided to take his children away, she has been told that's what is happening. Change children for anything else and he is being very unreasonable.

There are 52 weeks in a year, he doesn't have to take his children that particularly week. His children don't need to go on holiday that week, he has made the choice to take them that week and as a consequence the OP doesn't get what she wants for her birthday, or what she needs to feel loved, appreciated and a part of a wider family. It's a special birthday, it is important to her, it should matter to him because it is important to her.

It may cost a bit more at some other point in the year but it is his partners 30th birthday, she deserves some consideration she on this occasion IMO deserves to come first.

All I can see is that when it is convinent for him, the OP is very much a wanted part of a blended family. When she wants or needs something she is just told no and the children are used as the reason. This will build resentment as the OP feels less and less important.

I'm a RP-step but in our family it is accepted that everyone has needs and wants, wants are never put ahead of needs no mater how old you are. DC needs are always put before us both, because that's what adults do.

Going away alone with his DC is lovely, but it shouldn't be at the cost of the step-parent or the wider family unit. If this man lived with the OP and i am guessing her children, what message does that send them? It has to be equal for everyone.

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steppinstone · 17/03/2017 10:30

I think we have to aim for a happy sometimes after... but that's ok. X

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HelenDenver · 17/03/2017 10:15

"I think I'm fast realising that's not going to be a reality"

No, but it could still be a good reality. Worth talking through...

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Gogglerox · 17/03/2017 09:54

Steppinstone I think you have summed up how I'm feeling. I want my happy ever after and for us all to be one big happy family.
I think I'm fast realising that's not going to be a reality

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HelenDenver · 17/03/2017 09:47

As an aside: it generally sucks having your birthday around a school holiday time, because the holiday ends up winning out over adult weekend trips or whatever - I feel your pain!

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HelenDenver · 17/03/2017 09:44

" I feel like booking my own week away with my kids for the week before or after and let him know how it feels"

Don't your kids have half term at the same time?

I doubt he'd be upset by this as you have been, TBH. Not because he doesn't care about you but because this particular issue doesn't bother him.

It's definitely one to discuss as part of moving in together and being more "blended"

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steppinstone · 17/03/2017 09:42

Also I find it helpful remember or realise that a lot of my cross feelings in the early days were sadness at realising that our 'new' family was never going to be a 'natural' family and a lot of mourning about the loss of that possibility. Which again I think is part of the deal of a blended home. X

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Underthemoonlight · 17/03/2017 09:40

Maybe the girls told there dad they want to holiday with him only? Even with ages of the DC they are at an age where they could be demanding so trying to spread yourself been 4 DC three of which are fairly small. Could he have arranged a surprise for your birthday? Why are you allowing yourself to do childcare for this man when you don't even live together? I find that's particular odd set up.

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steppinstone · 17/03/2017 09:39

We do separate holidays and to be honest it is a relief. The dynamic is more natural and chilled.

My DH won't holiday with me and my dc either because his dsd gets upset. But it's the way it is. Blended families are a bit of a dysfunctional mess and things like this are a compromise and part of the deal I think.

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HelenDenver · 17/03/2017 09:37

"There are two issues here. The fact that he clearly wants to spend time away alone with his children, and the way he's gone about doing it."

Yes, that is true. The first is fine, the second is unhelpful!

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2014newme · 17/03/2017 09:35

I think it's quite sad you say that you have never put your children before his. Why? His children are not yours! Put your children first, if you don't, who will?
It's fine to want a holiday with your own kids only.

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jojo2916 · 17/03/2017 09:31

That's awful op it doesn't sound like he views you as a family, if my partner said this It would be over but your circumstances may be a bit different as you're not living together yet. Some people prefer to keep things separate with kids hols etc which is ok if it works for both of you but it sounds like you want to be part of his family he's making it clear you are not IMO so don't see how this can work. My dp treats my children exactly the same as his own as wouldn't consider doing this but like I said your situation is a bit different I suppose. My kids don't have a dad in their lives so that may be why he's been able to take them on as his own. Still I really couldn't be treated like this it's horrible but if you can cope with it I hope you can make it work.

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swingofthings · 17/03/2017 09:26

There are two issues here. The fact that he clearly wants to spend time away alone with his children, and the way he's gone about doing it.

I go on holiday alone with my kids every year and the reason why I do it is because I can then give them my full attention and it is much more enjoyable for me this way. When we all go together, I find myself under pressure to give them and my OH equal attention, having to deal with the fact that both want to do different things to fully enjoy themselves.

It works for us perfectly though as DH also goes away skiing with his friends once a year (sometimes twice) as he has done for many years even more he met me. However, we also make time for the two of us to go away twice a year for long week-ends (these are our xmas presents to each other) and every few years, we will make it a week.

The issue with you is that the dynamics of holidays have not been discussed yet and I expect from the perspective of your OH, this is because you haven't moved in together yet so he still considers your two families as distinct enough to make such decision.

You say you are planning on moving in together so this definitely needs to be clear before you do as as you're experiencing currently, resentment could take over otherwise.

Don't resent him for wanting to go away with his kids only, but do point out that for the sake of your relationship, you should also be arranging to make time to go away just the two of you. I do agree with you that arranging this just after your big birthday certainly lacks thoughtfulness and in your shoes, I couldn't help questioning his commitment to a long term relationship with you.

I assume he is taking them that week-end because of the school holidays, but since you'd be talking about doing something together for your birthday, his decision to go ahead and book something at that time without talking to you about it first is quite uncaring indeed.

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