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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Would you?

59 replies

Taylorandnicolesmummy · 18/04/2016 22:23

So my DP is away in October to see his dad because it's his 70th birthday. I have 2 children and he has 2 children, we live together and have his 2 every weekend and mine every other weekend.

His ex works at the weekend which is why we have his every single weekend (even when she is not working it seems she would rather go out with friends than spend time with her children) with this in mind when he goes to Away there will be 3 weekends where he won't be able to look after them. She has gone mad.

He's trying to sort it out and is asking his mum to come over to have them he's also asked if I would have them for one weekend, I feel like I should help except
A) I was looking forward to spending some quality time with my children, we spent 3 years on our own before he came along and I think both me and my kids miss having time for just us
B) I know she's booked 3 seperate weekends off work where we will have the children and she will be soending time with her friend away.
C) we don't get on at all, pick ups and drop offs will be very awkward and also she may be working in the day but if she's out in the evening I'll feel like she's taking the pi55.

Would you say yes and have them while dp's away??

OP posts:

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Ludways · 18/04/2016 22:31

I would say yes, if she was working and had no one else, I have done this with dsd in the past. If it's just so she can go out and it's nothing special ie a wedding, then no I wouldn't.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 18/04/2016 22:35

I think point A is a big one. If you want quality time with your own children whilst he's away then that's what you should have, and make the most of it. If he's not there then you shouldn't have to have his children in his absence. Especially if point C is going to make it awkward and uncomfortable.

Oswin · 18/04/2016 22:37

Look at it a different way because your very critical of the mother here.
They are equal parents. Her responsibility is the whole week. His is just weekends.

So the weekends are solely his responsibility. Take the ex out of the equation it's not her responsibility.
He is going away so needs to organise three weekends worth of childcare?
He could cut it short?
Three weeks is a long time without seeing the kids. Then have his mom have them two weekends.

Now it's totally up to you weather you feel up to having them. Don't let dp place his responsibility on to you. If you've been together years and your one family then yeah it would be nice of you to have them.

Original poster

Taylorandnicolesmummy · 18/04/2016 23:30

Thanks ladies, good to have a different perspective on things. Think ok going to offer my help xx

OP posts:

MyKingdomForBrie · 18/04/2016 23:41

Have them the weekend you don't have yours?

Lunar1 · 19/04/2016 02:24

The favour wouldn't be for her it would be for your dp. If this is the normal routine it's irrelevant how she spends her time. I don't think you dp has put you in a very fair position, he should have made arrangements before planning his trip. I think he would go mad too if his ex just said she was off for three weeks.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/04/2016 14:56

Did he tell his ex he was going away for that long before he committed to plans e.g. booked flights, and discuss it with you? Both should have happened. It's not much cop getting stressed about the arrangements after the trip's booked.

On the one hand yes, by all means do him a favour and cover him while he's away. Though I don't agree that you owe the dm anything. On the other, I'm sure his ex would agree that contact is for the dc to spend time with their father, who's not going to be there. Would she rather they were just with you than that she had to change plans? And how will the dc feel about about it?

Annexx · 19/04/2016 20:08

I would look after my partner's daughter for the weekend if he needed yes, but then I don't have children of my own like you. However I wouldn't be so critical of the mother saying things like:

Even when she is not working it seems she would rather go out with friends than spend time with her children

She is allowed to go out and she has the children the majority of the time, more than you & your partner. It's not an achievement for him to have his children every weekend that's just being a parent.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 19/04/2016 21:42

I know you want to help, but your comments about the ex ring true with me. Every weekend is a bit much I think. I did this, had step kids every single weekend for years, had my own son and missed time with just him. Filled in for DP if he was away. Then I found myself feeling narked about it. We also had a full time DSC and it's just that... Being used feeling. It crept up on me. I do think its a 50/50 arrangement that is unacknowledged.

lookluv · 19/04/2016 21:44

She is not taking the piss - your DP is.

He is abandoning his child care responsibilities and expecting her to carry the can.

To be honest what she does when you have the DCS is none of your business, if she wants to work, go away, party - none of your business.

Having said that I do not think it is your responsibility to do this unless you want to . Your DP needs to sort this out.

If I was her, I would be pissed off aswell.

RudeElf · 19/04/2016 21:49

No i wouldnt have them. I say this as resident parent. I am not a step parent. I think every single weekend is a lot! I think you and your DC deserve some time just the 3 of you. Although am i right in thinking there will be a weekend where your DC arent with you? If so i might consider it but then you are probably looking forward to a weekend all to yourself which you havent had for a long time.

wheresthel1ght · 19/04/2016 22:02

I really don't get it, you live together so why is it so inconceivable that you would have his kids as per the normal arrangement??

Dp works nights, he works a crackers rota that would never afford the kids a regular contact schedule. We have them eow and every Wednesday. If he is working they still come and I look after them.

You will have all week alone with your kids. You are not doing her a favour and she is not taking the piss. She is spending her free time doing as she pleases. This is the schedule thy have worked out that works for them. It's not your place to criticise her. And I say that as a step mum with a highly tempestuous relationship with his exw

RudeElf · 19/04/2016 22:09

She hasnt said it is inconceivable.

And it isnt the normal arrangement. Normal arrangement is that they go and stay with their dad, to see their dad, for contact, and for him to provide childcare while their mother works, not to see his house. Their dad wont be there so wont be available for contact or to provide childcare. OP is not responsible for their contact or childcare.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 19/04/2016 23:42

I do think that there is a bigger issue here, if either parent is never having weekends, only week days that they are at school then they aren't really around that much to parent them. The main parenting is the weekend one. Support should be given there.

I'm just saying this as there are some mums in particular who do this to retain main residence. My DPs ex did this, didn't work for years then got a part time weekend job, so basically had 5 days at home while the kids were at school, taking maintenance. In these circumstances then I think it is a bit rich to refuse as a mum to take the odd weekend.

RudeElf · 19/04/2016 23:54

I disagree with that bananas. One of my DC goes to his dad one night a fortnight (saturday) and the other is with me full time. You cant seriously say i do no parenting monday to friday. I do everything from waking them in the morning, breakfast, lunches, pe bags, taking to school, collecting from school or childminder, homeworks, dinners, reading, ferrying to afterschool activities, bathing, reading, teeth brushing, putting to bed and so many more little things throughout the day. I am the one the school calls when they are sick, i take the annual leave when they are on school hols, i go to the parent teacher meetings and school plays. On weekends we go to the park, have a dvd and pizza and do lots of not very much. Their dad does even less. (Most recently sleeping on the sofa while DS outside playing) but yeah, i do no parenting

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 20/04/2016 01:26

Wheres And what would happen if the OP wasn't around? It's far too easy to just rely on a stepparent. The children go to see their dad, and if he isn't going to be there for 3 weekends in a row then it shouldn't be up to the OP to honour the usual contact schedule. Just as it wouldn't be up to a grandparent/auntie/uncle etc... He has a child and he needs to realise he can't just fuck off for long periods of time expecting other people to pick up the slack when it comes to his kid.
Working shifts are a bit different to being away for 3 weekends in a row. At least at the end of the shift he comes home. Believe me I did my fair share of babysitting a stepchild while her dad was working different shifts.
You say she gets all week with her children. Maybe they are at school and she is at work? Maybe they go and see their dad during the week?

Oswin · 20/04/2016 01:48

It's not ops responsibility to provide childcare. It is her dps responsibility to arrange childcare seeing as the weekends are times when the children are with him.

Bananas that's crap. Weekends are not main parenting.

Most weekend parents have no clue of what the weekday entails.

weekends are fuck all like weekdays.

I also think it's pretty low of you to accuse mothers of doing it to retain residence.

Bloody hell.

Oh and it's not just having the kids for a weekend she would need to source and pay for childcare. Something that the ops dp is 100 percent responsible for.

CalicoBlue · 20/04/2016 06:52

I would not do it, and I don't. I do not get on with DSS and he plays up when his DF is away. So it is long standing that I do not have him when DH is not here. Though he does not come here for contact, DH is RP. So if DH is away he stays with his DM.

thepurplehen · 20/04/2016 06:52

It is the responsibility of the parents of the children to look after them. If one parent can't (or won't) look after them, then the other needs to step up. It's not always fair or right but that's what happens when you have kids.

It's not your responsibility OP.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 20/04/2016 12:51

rude elf you certainly do parenting! I have been a single parent for years so I do know what it's like. You also do many weekends. Everyone's situation is different.

My DPs ex did not do anything but the occasional dinner weekdays. My DP picked them up a collected them from school, that made their own breakfasts etc and older siblings got younger ones out of bed. We went to all parent teacher meetings, not her, and I got phoned if they were sick. In my experience my step kids got very little parenting from their mother in this arrangement. So OP I would say it's up to the parents. And it's completely reasonable that their mother should cover at least one of these weekends, obviously she would need notice.

I'd say in the long term consider having one weekend every two months at least where their mother has them, even if this means negotiating to have them for some weekdays. It's really much better for everyone if you get some clear time with your kids, the step kids get some full days with their mother. Even if it's not that often.

Original poster

Taylorandnicolesmummy · 20/04/2016 14:02

Sorry it wasn't my intention to start a debate about which parent does more.

I agree he should have checked with her first, perhaps he didn't because he thought she might say no. I think he's got it in his head that because his dad lives on the other side of the world it may be the last time he sees him due to the cost. But yes he should have asked first

OP posts:

Lunar1 · 20/04/2016 15:43

He's going to have to either take his son with him or cancel. He has been very selfish towards you, his ex and son. He doesn't get to just opt out of being a dad because it's not convenient.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 20/04/2016 16:26

Couldn't agree more Lunar.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 20/04/2016 16:28

Reasonable - a key word! I don't think your DP is being unreasonable for wanting the odd weekend, things like this are bound to come up, and at weekends!

What is unreasonable is to expect you to do it.

It is also unreasonable not to give his ex some notice.

It is unreasonable of his ex to expect the other parent to do every single weekend. I've seen countless examples of this on these boards and the SM has to step in every time, and in many cases the ex is completely inflexible.

Original poster

Taylorandnicolesmummy · 20/04/2016 16:35

We have them every single weekend becuase she is at work so that's kind of non negotiable

OP posts:

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