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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Would you?

59 replies

Taylorandnicolesmummy · 18/04/2016 22:23

So my DP is away in October to see his dad because it's his 70th birthday. I have 2 children and he has 2 children, we live together and have his 2 every weekend and mine every other weekend.

His ex works at the weekend which is why we have his every single weekend (even when she is not working it seems she would rather go out with friends than spend time with her children) with this in mind when he goes to Away there will be 3 weekends where he won't be able to look after them. She has gone mad.

He's trying to sort it out and is asking his mum to come over to have them he's also asked if I would have them for one weekend, I feel like I should help except
A) I was looking forward to spending some quality time with my children, we spent 3 years on our own before he came along and I think both me and my kids miss having time for just us
B) I know she's booked 3 seperate weekends off work where we will have the children and she will be soending time with her friend away.
C) we don't get on at all, pick ups and drop offs will be very awkward and also she may be working in the day but if she's out in the evening I'll feel like she's taking the pi55.

Would you say yes and have them while dp's away??

OP posts:

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KP86 · 20/04/2016 16:35

If it's your DP's weekend then you should look after them. Simple as that.

RudeElf · 20/04/2016 16:40

Not simple as that KP86. The clue is in the name its her DP's weekend. Not OPs weekend. The contact is with their father, not OP.

And i dont see how it is unreasonable for his ex to expect him to care for his children every weekend. That is only 2 days of the week. She has them the other 5!

Original poster

Taylorandnicolesmummy · 20/04/2016 16:51

My DP may not live with the mother of his children but he looks after them one evening during the week, leaves work early to take them from 5pm, we have them Friday night to Sunday night, he also calls them every single day and always goes to plays / parents evenings etc, by saying he ONLY has them 2 days a week is a little unfair

OP posts:

KP86 · 20/04/2016 16:58

Well it's DP's responsibility to sort care then. He either asks OP to do it or finds an alternative, like his mother.

Just like it's none of the NRP's business what DM does with her child-free time.

OP, assuming that you live with DP and your two children, won't you have five days on each of the weeks he is away that's just the three of you?

KittensandKnitting · 20/04/2016 17:07

3 weeks is a long trip away for your DP :) is he travelling to Australia? I only ask as I wonder if he could go for less time and I'm nosey

I think it depends how you view the children, DP is RP and children's mother doesn't see them. So I wouldn't give it a second thought to look after them in DPs absence as we are a team.

I would however really not want to deal with their mother who is a VERY high conflict, drama llama to put it lightly. So I get if having to deal with yours is putting you off :)

But ultimately if DP is the one responsible in your arrangement then it's down to him to organise child care.

RudeElf · 20/04/2016 17:25

Ok well then he has them 3 nights (does he keep them overnight during the midweek?) a week. I still dont see how it is unreasonable for her to expect him to have them on the weekends. She has them the rest of the time.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 20/04/2016 17:37

If it's your DP's weekend then you should look after them. Simple as that.

Er, no it isn't. And why should she? Would you think the same of another family member like a grandparent? This entitled mindset amongst some parents is mind boggling if I'm honest.

KP86 · 20/04/2016 17:44

Isn't it actually her DP's entitled behaviour which is assuming that the DC's mum would/should be available to have them outside of their normal arrangement? Does she get to do the same in reverse?

I'm working on the premise that OP and her DP parent as a team, rather than his kids/her kids. If not, then, as j said, DP has to make suitable arrangements. They are still his responsibility that weekend, unless the DM agrees to change the arrangement.

oleoleoleole · 20/04/2016 17:48

Why don't you offer just to cover her working hours and explain you're happy to help them out and have the dsc but you have also got plans of your own too.

PeppaIsMyHero · 20/04/2016 18:59

I agree the point of spending w/e at your house is to see your DP, not for you to provide childcare, so think it would be a favour if you're stepping in so she can work.

Really like oleoleoleole's idea of just covering the working hours - kind of makes the point while helping out...

Lunar1 · 20/04/2016 19:36

So according to some the womenfolk should figure this out between them and get on with it. While the man (who is the only one actually has responsibility during this time) can just make plans and piss off without any thought for who would pick up the pieces.

Marilynsbigsister · 20/04/2016 19:50

This just isn't your problem OP. If they were together she would be looking after them or sorting childcare. This is his/his ex problem to deal with. If you got on with them really well and they got on with yours you could offer. .. I have 3 of my own and 4 Dsc . I would grab opportunity to be with only mine !!. Let them sort it out, not your circus definitely not your monkeys.

Lunar1 · 20/04/2016 20:08

How is it his ex's problem? He booked without speaking to her. He's going to need to cover the midweek too.

thepurplehen · 21/04/2016 22:33

Lunar, it's ex's problem because they are her children.

If the other parent won't take responsibility, then she needs to.

It's not always fair but I will never understand why parents think their kids are somebody else's problem.

Oswin · 21/04/2016 23:44

Of course if the ops dp is such a dick to just not take responsibility then the mother will of course have to have them.
What were saying its the dps job to sort childcare or cut his holiday short.
I can't just say to my ex I'm off for nearly a month, with hardly any notice, and expect him to organise and pay for childcare!

The least the ops dp can do is pay for childcare and organise it for while he's gone.

Lunar1 · 22/04/2016 06:06

Well yes I guess you are right purplehen, but with that in mind there would be no doubt that the dad in this situation would be a complete and utter cunt.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 22/04/2016 06:45

I agree that if the dad doesn't sort anything out regarding childcare then it's up to the mum (the child's other parent) to step up, rather than the his wife/partner.
If the mum went away without much notice and didn't sort any childcare, there would be a huge expectation that the dad steps up and looks after his children as its the right thing to do. Same applies for the mum.

NerrSnerr · 22/04/2016 07:52

Where is he going for 3 weeks? It's his responsibility. He should have sorted childcare before he booked the tri.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 22/04/2016 08:33

Your DP should really have agreed all of this and made a plan with both of you involved before booking a trip.

He's stuck his head a bit in the sand over this and made too many assumptions.

My ex assumes that if he's sick or has plans or work courses I'll just change my plans at the touch of a button. Any wishes or expenses or plans I have on my 4 days a month without my DS don't figure in his world because they are like an extra entitlement I get in life while he generously looks after his son.

It's not a fair situation on either of you or the DC and for kids it's a long time away from dad.

With the situation as it is, there isn't a fair solution for anyone, and the only solutions are to dig your individual feet in or reach a compromise.

If it was me I'd offer to either do one weekend, or day time or one day over the weekend so I could still enjoy some alone time with DC. And your DP should offer to pay for, or organise some other childcare.

And for those who say you don't parent in the week....well I can't even retort without being sweary....

WallyBantersJunkBox · 22/04/2016 08:35

I'm not saying your DP is like my ex btw.

I hope you reach a mutual agreement for all. What does his DC want to do?

Wdigin2this · 25/04/2016 16:37

I agree absolutely, that it's not the OP's responsibility to provide childcare for her DP's DC, if he is going away for three weeks (three weeks?????). That would mean, she has the sole responsibility (and all the work and worry involved) for his DC for 3 weekends, plus her own on at least one....she's not getting much of a deal here is she??

If the DC's mother has to go to work, and there is simply nobody else to look after them, I would go with the idea of saying she'll do it during the day, but the children will be delivered back to her house at xx time each night. I'd make it very clear that this is not negotiable, and if not agreed to, you'll simply go away each weekend yourself, taking your DC with you....even if you just go to a friend of family member!

In the end, this is really the OP's DP's responsibility, he should have discussed the situation with all concerned before making any plans. Has he done this before, is it likely to happen again....I'd be making it clear that you're not a babysitter, you can flexibly helpful, but you should NOT take on the whole responsibility!

swingofthings · 25/04/2016 17:12

So are you saying that OP's DP is failing in his parental duties, so his ex should be the one to pick up the pieces?

What if she takes the same approach and decides that when she goes out in the evening, she'll just drop the kids to their dad and that's not negotiable. It will be her being irresponsible, but the father will just have to pick up the pieces?

That's the problem with taking the attitude that the other parent should pick up the failure of the other, it goes both ways (and can then become extremely messy, with the poor children stuck in the middle).

theredjellybean · 25/04/2016 17:24

i would and have.
Its the fact that I always saw my dp, my children and his as a family ...and therefore never thought i was providing 'childcare' for his children...our home was their home, and it was where they lived at weekends. I couldnt say 'oh sorry dad's not here so you cannot come to your home because i want special time with my daughters without you in the family home'

cannotlogin · 25/04/2016 17:29

If the other parent won't take responsibility, then she needs to

'She' is taking responsibility by looking after her children during the week and working at the weekends. It's not like she's off on some of jolly, is it? How many jobs do you know where you can just not turn up 'cos the ex can't be bothered and expect to keep your job? Perhaps 'she' should go away when it suits her and leave the children in her ex's care, making it very difficult for him to work. All hell would break lose then, wouldn't it? All sorts of shit hitting fans because how dare she interrupt his working week and expect maintenance....

And even if she was off on some jolly, she is entitled to book time away on 'her' time without the children and expect her ex to pick up the slack on what is the normal agreed schedule. He hasn't even bothered to run it by her. Yet somehow, this is her problem?

What a fucking joke.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 25/04/2016 17:38

'She' is taking responsibility by looking after her children during the week and working at the weekends. It's not like she's off on some of jolly, is it?

Yeah I get that, but even so if the dad fucks off to do as he pleases, it's not up to his partner to pick up the pieces for his children. It all falls back on to the mum. Why should the stepmum be expected to step up in his absence?

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