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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

step-parenting and manipulative partner or me being mad?

70 replies

ElliesPhotography · 23/10/2015 12:25

am I over the top? My partner has a son (7) and I have a son (9). My partners son was playing on x-box for 2 hours. My son asked twice if he can have a turn too, my partner told him to go to play on his computer for the meantime and when his little son will be finished on x-box, then he can have a turn. When the small one finished, my partner told him to turn the x-box off and for them to play together outside. my son didn't get the turn and nothing was explained to him. Anger got into me and all pissed off I said I don't find it fair that my son wasn't even explained why he didn't get the turn. My son kept quiet but I know these things are bothering him because he tells me. We had a big argument about it and my partner is pissed off with me and he twisted everything against me that I am selfish and don't treat the situation equally, that the xbox was on for whole morning and its enough now.

My partner does this quite often. His son comes here for half of every week. He very often subtly favours his son (he always gets the turn first, his turn is longer, sometimes he tells my son he can play on x-box when his son will be gone to mummy). On one hand, I understand that his son is here for half of the week and its a precious time for my partner, and logically my son can play the rest of the week, but on the other hand, my son feels he is not treated fairly from "daddy". I always keep quiet but I really had it today.

What do yo think is right thing to do?

OP posts:

MythicalKings · 23/10/2015 12:26

I think you need to stand up for your son. Your partner is being a prick.

TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee · 23/10/2015 12:31

He's a twat.

TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee · 23/10/2015 12:40

Your DS should not be treated as a second class citizen in his own home.

Original poster

ElliesPhotography · 23/10/2015 12:49

I think the same, that the kids should be treated equally, I wouldn't say anything if his son came for 1 day a week, that would be different story. But his son is here 4 days of 7. My partner always turns it against my son, that he has the time to play on x-box when his son is not around and that he has his computer to play on in the meantime. But you know how it is, when the small one is playing my son gets excited about the game on x-box and he wants to play too. TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee I feel the same that my son is kind of a second class citizen when the other boy is here.

OP posts:

TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee · 23/10/2015 12:57

We had and still have similar problems here, with DSS ruling the roost, taking over the family room 24/7, snapping at my DDs, refusing to let them in the family room Just a few examples there, leading to my DDs being in tears every time he is here. DH just let him get away with it, until the last 6 months or so. My foot has gone down with DH and his has (albeit slowly) gone down with DSS. No more hogging the TV/xbox/laptop/Netflix/sofa/shouting/stomping/etc etc.

MascaraAndConverse · 23/10/2015 12:58

OP even if his son only did come 1 day a week, it wouldn't mean he has any more of an excuse to treat your DS like that in favour of his son. They are both equal members of the family.

3perfectweemen · 23/10/2015 14:01

Omg he is a sneaky childish twat! How dare he manipulate situations to make your son feel second best. If my husband done this to my son I'd pack his bags give him scare of his life he wouldn't be long pulling his horns in!

heavens2betsy · 23/10/2015 15:28

The family setup you have will never ever work unless both dc are treated equally at all times.
If one is favoured resentment and jealousy sets in and that's almost impossible to undo.
You need to talk to your DP and insist that he treats them both the same.
Is your DS your DPs as well?

HirplesWithHaggis · 23/10/2015 15:39

I know very little about Xboxes etc, but aren't there games the boys could play together?

Original poster

ElliesPhotography · 23/10/2015 15:50

heavens2betsy my son is not his son. I have an update now. After ignoring me for 2 hours I made him to speak to me. Calmly and politely I tried to explain to him that I believe it was his responsibility to explain to my son why the game went off after he told him he can have a turn, otherwise my son feels not treated equally then. My partner keeps shouting at me saying he does not care who's turn it was, that the game was going off and has sarcastic comments about if my poor son needs a psychotherapy after not playing a game. He is coming up with old irrelevant nonsense to blame my son. He is also blaming me why do I need to cause tension at home, that he just wants peace. So I'm the bad one here once again:)

HirplesWithHaggis yes you can play 2 player but some games only, but thats not the real matter anyway. It's the principle.

OP posts:

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 23/10/2015 15:52

I think that yes - bring it up and present a fair rule that they can all live by for XBox use in the future. It's horrible when as a kid you think you are walked all over.

I'm all in favour of some rules to make things fair - and with up to 5 teenagers all waiting to get on the Xbox at one time - we came up with a '1 hour rule' unless no-one else wanted it. 1 hour and time agreed at the start.

Even then I've often had to intervene on my DCs behalf! Because as the youngest and less 'assertive'. He's wised up though and is as assertive as the rest of them! And I've become more assertive on his behalf too!

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 23/10/2015 15:58

Ellies - also just to say, my DP would also sometimes get in a real strop if I pointed this out. You can expect a bit of kickback. It's really important that you stand your ground and be fair, but change won't happen immediately. I also made sure that I was around the kids a lot in the first months/years of moving in with step kids - just so that I could intervene to any put down comments etc. My DC was youngest and the DSCs were older and had the advantage of being in a gang. It really helped to protect my DC.

If your DP keeps on making things unfair down the line, then start upping the importance of it. Just don't back down!

Original poster

ElliesPhotography · 23/10/2015 16:29

Bananasinpyjamas1 but how you get a proud man to take that in! He just does not want to see it, he blames me and tells me stuff like - since he moved in with me and my son, there is never piece and happiness in the house, always some drama with kids! He lives in this bubble where he wants to accommodate his children as much as possible when they are here so they have a great time, and by that he actually creates this tension between kids and my son has built up up this jealousy and resentment feeling in him. When I bring this problem up to my partner , he always kicks off and comes up with either some logical statements like - my son has everything for himself for half of the week and he is the older and wiser one. He never believes my son when some problem. Does not want to go to counseling either. Ah, we are leaving for Scotland in next hour, hope we wont have any fireworks there..:/

OP posts:

averythinline · 23/10/2015 16:37

He's moved in with you? I would suggest he moves back out until he can comfortably love with both kids being treated the same.
I feel for your son his home must feel invaded...i understand dp wants to treat his son as its probly hard for him to see his dad living with another boy but this situation will hurt both boys

TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee · 23/10/2015 16:51

How would he feel if his DS was treated how he treats your DS? Say if his DS had a Step Brother and he took priority half the week and his DS was bring deprived/treated unfairly?

Florriesma · 23/10/2015 16:58

Do you know what I couldn't imagine putting up with that. They're 7 and 9 that's another 10 years of this -unless your ds gets fed up beforehand of being second class in his own home.

Original poster

ElliesPhotography · 23/10/2015 17:11

averythinline no I moved into his place!

OP posts:

bedknobsandbroomsticks · 23/10/2015 17:22

Is his son an only child? Does his son have an x box at his mums house? If so, then surely his son gets to play it on his own when he is there so it would only be fair to take turns in your home.

If his son doesn't have x box, then how about getting him one for Christmas to keep at his mums.

Original poster

ElliesPhotography · 23/10/2015 17:38

bedknobsandbroomsticks no its 2 brothers but that older one is 13 and he has his own teenager's world, no problem with that one. Hmm what a good point with the x-box. I'm sure they have one at their mums, just not the same games. I always have been hoping they will grow out of this childish bickering. But this favouring issue my partner has, that will be an issue forever that's the fact.

OP posts:

Houseworkavoider · 23/10/2015 17:52

Not good at all.
I'm concerned about the bit where Dp decided that the Xbox was to be shut down and that was it. Were you not able to point out that it wasn't fair and turn it back on?
You & your Ds have moved into Dps house and it doesn't read like its very equal.

swingofthings · 23/10/2015 18:28

When was the X box purchased? If it was his DS before you moved in, I can understand that he still sees it as his that he shares rather than a joint toy to play with.

If purchased as a joint game, then it isn't right that his son should have any priority. I would therefore agree on number of hours your son can play with his son is not there, and how long they can each play when he is, then you both stick to it.

heavens2betsy · 23/10/2015 18:46

he lives in this bubble where he wants to accommodate his children as much as possible when they are here so they have a great time,
This is called Disney parenting.
If he wants to carry on in this way he's be better off doing it alone

MeridianB · 23/10/2015 19:20

Wow, OP, he doesn't really sound like a treasure. Not making you or your DS happy and the sarcasm is really unhelpful.

How long has he lived with you? I agree with others that he sounds like he's not coping with 'blending' and is not setting a good example to either boy.

Based on what you have said, it's hard to see why you're with him. Have you been together a long time?

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 23/10/2015 19:31

I always keep quiet but I really had it today. The first step is feeling that you are right to stand your ground and you are.

It really doesn't matter who is there, for longest, whose house it is/was, whose XBox it is (if it is in a communal space). You are all now supposed to be equal and a team. To be able to live harmoniously in the future it has to be completely fair with the kids. No one has a longer turn. No one gets treated favourably. They will have to try and relate to each other in difficult circumstances and abosolutely need a level playing field.

If your DP is resisting being fair, then if you want to give him a chance to change, fine but make sure you assert yourself in front of your son. He needs to see that he is protected and things are fair. If your DP doesn't change then I really would consider moving out.

amarmai · 23/10/2015 22:26

If your son does not see you standing up for him , he will for self protection have to alienate his emotional ties to you ,his mother. If this man does not treat you and your son as equals, do you think you are going to continue living in his house for the long haul? So if you put value your son and his relationship with you, better to move out before any more damage is done . I doubt this is the only example of his favouritism.

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