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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

step-parenting and manipulative partner or me being mad?

70 replies

ElliesPhotography · 23/10/2015 12:25

am I over the top? My partner has a son (7) and I have a son (9). My partners son was playing on x-box for 2 hours. My son asked twice if he can have a turn too, my partner told him to go to play on his computer for the meantime and when his little son will be finished on x-box, then he can have a turn. When the small one finished, my partner told him to turn the x-box off and for them to play together outside. my son didn't get the turn and nothing was explained to him. Anger got into me and all pissed off I said I don't find it fair that my son wasn't even explained why he didn't get the turn. My son kept quiet but I know these things are bothering him because he tells me. We had a big argument about it and my partner is pissed off with me and he twisted everything against me that I am selfish and don't treat the situation equally, that the xbox was on for whole morning and its enough now.

My partner does this quite often. His son comes here for half of every week. He very often subtly favours his son (he always gets the turn first, his turn is longer, sometimes he tells my son he can play on x-box when his son will be gone to mummy). On one hand, I understand that his son is here for half of the week and its a precious time for my partner, and logically my son can play the rest of the week, but on the other hand, my son feels he is not treated fairly from "daddy". I always keep quiet but I really had it today.

What do yo think is right thing to do?

OP posts:

Original poster

ElliesPhotography · 26/10/2015 12:27

RomiiRoo I think I will need some advice from you. Did your partner ever made you feel like you are the wrong one that does not know how to parent the child? My partner is very well spoken and he always comes up with his logical points about where the problem is (which is always my son) and he actually makes me to think I am the wrong one who does not get things right so I feel guilty at the end. How did you deal with this kind of thing? Also, when you left him, wasnt he trying to persuade you to come back at some point?

God bless I am independent, with own money and work, no issue about moving.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 26/10/2015 17:25

he is obsessed to fix my son.
Then you need to run away. He has no right to decide that your son needs fixing. He either accepts him as he is, or let you get on with raising him and not get involved.

RomiiRoo · 26/10/2015 20:36

Hi,
I am tired so only respond quickly. I misread your post and thought you had moved in three weeks ago, not three years. In which case, this is not teething troubles, this has gone on three years.

I always felt he was much harder on DD (his DSD) than he was on his DD (my DSD). He would pick DD up on so many things, but also wind her up till he got a reaction at which point, she was in the wrong. I was given the blame for being over- indulgent of her; always defending her; stabbing him in the back if I took her side ; honestly, she was your DS's age when we split and she was and is respectful and well-behaved. It was worse after our joint DC came along, even DD said that at some point after we had separated.

To your question, did he try to get me back - controlling people do not like letting go of their objects of control so it ran the whole gamut from abusive to promising the world. He is still trying, to the extent I feel like all I have done is gain a bigger space within his web, not get out of it. But DD has her own space and life and is her own person and my home is not tense and the children are themselves at home, not how someone expects them to be or in need of changing.

It is hard because there is a gap between how you want things to be and how they actually are - and you keep thinking well, if I try X, then it might be better, but it needs two people to make a relationship better.

Homemadearmy · 27/10/2015 00:21

He sounds very controlling, my ex partner was the same. He always made it my fault. His children could do whatever they liked end he was never noticed. Yet watched mine like a hawk. I would leave now before he damages your son's confidence completely

Original poster

ElliesPhotography · 27/10/2015 08:51

Homemadearmy that is exactly how it is at our home! He watches my son like a hawk and comments on him for every small possible thing, never to his children for same things. Yes and in his eyes I am just defensive, taking my sons side and oversensitive. How long did it take you to clarify what is really going on and leave?
RomiiRoo thanks for your post, helped a lot xx

OP posts:

Original poster

ElliesPhotography · 27/10/2015 09:03

To correct myself, my partner intimidates my son horribly for any small thing (etc taking clothes out of the bathroom after the shower or not finishing the tea while it is warm and many others) but he really intimidates him and my son has this anxiety feeling, eyes down like a dog. He overlooks these things with his children, or possibly just tells them with love shortly "please take your clothes to the room or have your tea quickly before it gets cold". I suppose my son and myself will both need counselling after this.

OP posts:

DoreenLethal · 27/10/2015 09:09

Can you speak to your friend, take your son and go back to hers early, give you time to get all your stuff together and move out? And let your mother sleep on the sofa or in a B&B.

tribpot · 27/10/2015 16:52

You seem to be locked in a cycle where you need to build an irrefutable base of evidence before you end the relationship. Your partner is defeating you with pseudo-logic and so you don't feel you have a strong enough argument to leave.

You don't need one. It is your decision what kind of environment you and your son live in. He may not agree with your reason for leaving, that's irrelevant. It's your choice. No negotiation or second chances, your ds needs a chance to breathe.

Homemadearmy · 28/10/2015 06:38

5 years we lived together and it just got worse. I felt on edge the entire time. I dreaded going out without my son, as some drama always happened and my ex would over react. He made me feel it was all my fault, and it would be unfair to split the family up because I couldn't control my boy.

Scoobydoo8 · 28/10/2015 06:52

I think these probs stem from the individuals own childhood, or his guilt at his failures or suppressed anger at how his life is.

Completely unfixable except by themselves. But they deny they have a problem.

MythicalKings · 28/10/2015 06:59

He's being emotionally abusive. Please get out ASAP. Your son deserves so much better.

Original poster

ElliesPhotography · 28/10/2015 15:22

Thanks girls you are helping a lot with all of your thoughts!

Coming to conclusion from all possible angles - My partner didn't have a good childhood - the father never really interacted and did anything for the kids. Thinking about it from possible angles, I came to a conclusion he wants the best happy childhood for his kids that he didn't have. Since my son came into the picture and his sons (the small one mainly) is subtly jelaous and doesnt get always his way because of my son and then they clash because both of them are a competition to each other, thats why I think my partner struggles to accommodate all of them equally. He wants to accommodate his children to keep the happiness, and wants my son to change to their liking so he accommodates the other children when they come as much as he can which is not happening. That's why he got into this psycho stage of emotionally bullying my son.

Does that make any sense?

Now the question is, before I move out, because obviously I need to talk to him this evening, what to tell him? He needs to hear it somehow. Homemadearmy RomiiRoo any advice?

OP posts:

tribpot · 28/10/2015 17:34

He doesn't need to hear it. Nothing you say will get him to see your point of view. Trying to engage with him logically is what keeps you locked into this cycle.

Yes you have rationalised his behaviour after a fashion - bullying your child so that his can have the perfect childhood he was denied - but that doesn't make what he's doing in any way acceptable for an adult. So even if that is the reason, what does it matter? I think he does it because he's a nasty power-monger. You're wasting your time trying to find a better explanation - he is what he is. What matters is who you are and what you choose for you and your son.

I don't think you need to say more than 'I'm not happy with the way my son is treated. You have not responded to any attempt by me to address this and so I am choosing to move out in the best interests of my son. I'm not interested in your opinion; this is my decision'.

RomiiRoo · 28/10/2015 17:55

I am making dinner and can't get to PC till later.

I would keep your son out of it; this will make him the whipping boy as far as your partner is concerned, and is not something your DS should carry.

The point is that your P is not treating you as an equal and the behaviour you are picking up on with your son is really an extension of his attitudes towards you. If it was not your DS, it would be something else you value which takes your attention away from P and his DC.

The point is YOU are not happy and YOU wish to move out. I honestly truly would not try to justify, explain, or anything as that gives him room to manipulate. You are moving out, these are the plans. Preferably get your DS out somewhere safe overnight; let someone else know what you are doing and then just do it. You can talk to him once you are out - but get you and DS out first, and then give yourself space. In fact, we need some space, I am moving out is all you need to say.

And repeat as necessary.

sofato5miles · 28/10/2015 18:43

You are very unlikely to change his opinion.

DoreenLethal · 28/10/2015 20:39

because obviously I need to talk to him this evening, what to tell him

How about 'I am moving out because I can't have you prioritising your son over mine'?

amarmai · 28/10/2015 21:05

Can you move out when he isnot there and let him know afterwards? He is too good at controlling you and he will try hard to argue against any reason you give in order to keep control. Cause that's what controllers do. Good for you op. You can see clearly and you can act.

tshirtsuntan · 28/10/2015 21:22

Please move out

Homemadearmy · 28/10/2015 21:36

Agree with the others. I don't think there is anything you can say to him to make him understand. He doesn't seem able to see your side at all. It very difficult to leave a relationship especially when you still have feelings for the other person.

thequickbrownfox · 31/10/2015 17:16

Hi Ellies, just wondering how you and your son are doing?

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