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Step-parenting

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Original poster

step-parenting and manipulative partner or me being mad?

70 replies

ElliesPhotography · 23/10/2015 12:25

am I over the top? My partner has a son (7) and I have a son (9). My partners son was playing on x-box for 2 hours. My son asked twice if he can have a turn too, my partner told him to go to play on his computer for the meantime and when his little son will be finished on x-box, then he can have a turn. When the small one finished, my partner told him to turn the x-box off and for them to play together outside. my son didn't get the turn and nothing was explained to him. Anger got into me and all pissed off I said I don't find it fair that my son wasn't even explained why he didn't get the turn. My son kept quiet but I know these things are bothering him because he tells me. We had a big argument about it and my partner is pissed off with me and he twisted everything against me that I am selfish and don't treat the situation equally, that the xbox was on for whole morning and its enough now.

My partner does this quite often. His son comes here for half of every week. He very often subtly favours his son (he always gets the turn first, his turn is longer, sometimes he tells my son he can play on x-box when his son will be gone to mummy). On one hand, I understand that his son is here for half of the week and its a precious time for my partner, and logically my son can play the rest of the week, but on the other hand, my son feels he is not treated fairly from "daddy". I always keep quiet but I really had it today.

What do yo think is right thing to do?

OP posts:
thequickbrownfox · 23/10/2015 22:32

Hi OP, I agree that you need to stand up for your son. Poor lad.

ImperialBlether · 23/10/2015 22:43

So is this man living with you in your house?

thequickbrownfox · 24/10/2015 07:21

I think OP said she moved into his place.

Wdigin2this · 24/10/2015 11:58

Ellie, if ignoring you, shouting and sarcasm are his way of dealing with problems, you have to ask yourself...are you with the right person?

ImperialBlether · 24/10/2015 12:03

No, theuickbrownfox, just re-read it and the OP says: "since he moved in with me and my son, there is never piece and happiness in the house, always some drama with kids"

I'd be sending him on his way.

amarmai · 24/10/2015 14:11

yes Imp I reread and it is the op's house. Makes the whole thing way worse. He shouts at her when she tries to get him to treat her son fairly in her house! Her son will grieve the change for the worse in his life because his mother wants a man in her house. Why OP?

Wdigin2this · 24/10/2015 15:29

She did say 'since he moved in' but I think she corrected herself when answering Thinblueline, she said she had moved in with DP...didn't she??

Wdigin2this · 24/10/2015 15:31

Sorry, I meant Averythinline...doh!

Original poster
ElliesPhotography · 24/10/2015 19:05

Girls, just to make it clear, I moved into his place 3 years ago.

We are in Scotland visiting his parents with all kids. We spoke to the kids before going about not bickering. They havent bickered once so far. We were going back from the trip in car, them 3 boys chatting. My son sitting in the middle between them two chatting to one, then the other one. Walking inside from the car, my partner is on edge telling me how he saw in the mirror my son chatting to his older son and forgetting to include the smaller one into the conversation and then the small one is pulling sad faces. That when will my son realize what is he doing.

Please, does any of you have 3 kids and can explain to me how your kids interact all together? He expects my 9 year old to think about keeping the balance so he makes sure the small one is always included in whatever they do. My son spends a lot of time with that smaller boy and then he enjoys talking to that older one.

So I told gim I cant cope with this anymore and he is snappping at me that why dont I finally admit my son has a problem and cant handle living wih 2 boys equally.

Obviously he wants me now to have a chat with my son about how he make his small son left out.

OP posts:
amarmai · 24/10/2015 22:20

please do not allow him to cut down your son's self confidence any further. Your son sounds lovely and is only being blamed by this man. It sounds to me as if this man resents and dislikes your son and wants him to be a 2nd class child in the home he has to be in with you. He seems never to miss a chance to smack him down . How long are you willing to allow this to go on? Your son's spirit will be broken or he will become rebellious.

swingofthings · 25/10/2015 14:02

It really doesn't matter who is there, for longest, whose house it is/was, whose XBox it is (if it is in a communal space).
I don't agree. If the child was given this as a present, made it clear at the time that it was his, but suddenly is being told that he needs to share it as if it was a communal toy with all having same access to it, then this isn't fair.

wallywobbles · 25/10/2015 14:51

We have a rule, when all the kids are here 2 + 2, no screen time. Makes it much fairer! I don't suppose you want to go down that route, but it makes a real difference. They play family type games, or outside. Massive amount of role playing goes on.

For what it's worth your DP sounds like a bit of a prick.

Have you tried family meetings? From Jane Nelsen

www.positivediscipline.com/files/Why_have_Family_Meetings.pdf

Basically we have a complaints box, if you have something to say, good or bad, you put it in the box. Parents included.

Family meetings once a week if possible - they take about an hour and total attendance required. Sceens off, not during meals.

Step 1 Go round the table with a compliment for everyone
Step 2 Read out the minutes of the last meeting
Step 3 everyone takes a paper out of the box, reads it out. Everyone discusses it. Kids find a solution. Parents veto the more ridiculous one.
Step 4 take minutes - write down the complaints
Step 5 try out the solutions. If they are not working they will end up in the box again.

Result - everyone feels like they've been heard. Adults hear things in a more acceptable way. Our perception of things is not always the way the kids are perceiving things.

For us they really work. My DP was very doubtful but he has been very surprised at how well they work out. They are pretty long to do though, particularly in the beginning, and can be pretty dull if you don't move them along at a fair clip.

thequickbrownfox · 25/10/2015 18:14

I don't know how you can justify sticking with this guy OP. He's a simmering pool of resentment and he's bullying your son.

Original poster
ElliesPhotography · 25/10/2015 20:52

wallywobbles I would love to do this family meetings and set up some rules and consequences/punishments. We had few family talks I suggested so the kids can say their points and know what is expected from them. It just always goes out the window. My partner does not like to punish his kids, I think he feels sorry for them to punish them because he sees them half week only. For example, if my son doesnt want to share, he wont let him to go on his computer for whole week. If his son does something to mine, he will tell him off and thats it. How do I get these punishments equal considering his kids are here half week only? He always takes the side of his small son. When they for example have some incident playing outside and the small one provokes my son so my son gives it back to him, his son comes telling of him and then of course my son is that one punished and told off that is is older and he shouldnt do that. I always try to tell my son to ingore him when he irritates them, but you know how kids are, you cant program them.

OP posts:
Original poster
ElliesPhotography · 25/10/2015 20:57

thequickbrownfox I think you got is just right. Resentment and bullying. And manipulating me into it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ElliesPhotography · 25/10/2015 21:11

Its quite tricky to recognize what is he doing. I think he does not want to see how his son is and rather puts all blame on my one.

OP posts:
tribpot · 25/10/2015 21:16

Fucking hell. Is your son not desperate to go and live in his own house where he's not made to feel like a second class citizen for half of every week? Why was it his fault that the older boy wasn't talking to his younger brother in the car?

You're teaching your son to be passive and accept poor treatment ('just ignore him'), because that's what you're doing in this domestic set-up as well. Your son's had 3 years of this bullshit. Enough is enough, surely? Your 'D'P sees his kids WAY more than many, why the hell is he playing Disney Dad with them?

RomiiRoo · 25/10/2015 21:23

How easy is it for you to move back out? Sounds like my ex - every argument came somehow round to my DD. I began to feel like it was a strategy to undermine my relationship with my DD because she was someone I valued more than him (and it was about wrong-footing me).

Original poster
ElliesPhotography · 25/10/2015 22:44

RomiiRoo this moving out thing has been

OP posts:
Original poster
ElliesPhotography · 25/10/2015 22:54

Sorry im just tapping into the phone! Wanted to say that the moving out idea has been playing on my mind for longer. I am ashamed to say I fell for his manipulative persuadive talks. Wow as you said, he always has to say something about my son - what to improve what to fix, never anything to fix on his sons, he is obsessed to fix my son. I need to go from there. I feel like moving out right away when we come back from scotland on tuesday. My friend has a big half empty house so can stay there for few months till making a new plan for life. Just my mom is flying from abroad for a week visit on Thursday so what will i do with her, cant change her flight now. Well whatever happens happens. We are in scotland at his parents now, we hardly speak, I have enough of him.

OP posts:
tribpot · 25/10/2015 22:59

Please do move straight out, before you start minimising again. Your mum will have to cope with that - presumably there's room for her at your friend's house, she can stay in a hotel, something. Don't keep making excuses - act.

RomiiRoo · 26/10/2015 03:59

People like him are manipulative as it is about control; change one thing and there is something else to change - it is never good enough as the thing 'wrong' is never the point.

The effect on my DD when we separated was remarkable - she was happier and developed into her own person. You and your son have that right too. Ask your friend and your mum for help; if they have your best interests at heart, they will help you. I think if I saw a child and grandchild of mine treated like that, I would help. A few weeks is nothing; you don't want to be there a few years.

sofato5miles · 26/10/2015 04:52

I'd have to counsel getting your son away from him and moving out. Start trying to organise it so you feel pro active. Are you financially independent?

sofato5miles · 26/10/2015 04:53

Air bnb for your mother?

MeridianB · 26/10/2015 11:14

Oh Ellie, the more you share, the more horrendous this sounds for you but mostlty for your poor DS. I think your idea of moving out as soon as you get back sounds like a good one.

I am sure your mother would be happy to be flexible in some way if she knew what was happening.

Your DP sounds like a nasty bully who will not change. The sad thing is that apart from the damage to you and your boy, his sons will not benefit from the Disney nonsense.