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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Going on holiday do you tell ex?

71 replies

Cadburyhome · 09/06/2015 13:38

Hi,

my husband and I are going on holiday in a months time (abroad) and he hasn't told his exW (mother of his 2 DS). I feel out of respect, and in case of an emergency with the kids he should provide her with dates of when we will be out of the country. He doesn't agree. Where we are going will have wi-fi so he'll be reachable via e mail (they only communicate via email in the UK). I'm not in a position to talk to exW myself, and also don't think its my place too.

Just after some advice from other families on how they do things?

Is my husband right, its none of her business, or do you think she should know?

OP posts:

Maybe83 · 09/06/2015 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

creativevoid · 09/06/2015 13:47

I'm guessing since it is e-mail contact only the relationship is bad. I am in a similar position and would not tell ex my travel plans (unless children with me) and would not expect to be told. In the days of wifi and mobiles we are all contactable. What does her knowing do? I would tell the children as part of normal interaction.

Original poster

Cadburyhome · 09/06/2015 13:55

She will find out we have been away from other family members, so i think its better she finds out from dp first. After all its keeping secrets which undermines trust. I don't think we are doing anything wrong, so see no reason not to tell her.

OP posts:

brightreddress · 09/06/2015 14:01

Just because it's not a secret doesn't mean you ought to tell her. You are entitled to your own life, Cadbury. I really would leave it to him to decide.

TheMumsRush · 09/06/2015 14:07

I agree with brightreddress.

Original poster

Cadburyhome · 09/06/2015 14:21

Thanks for your replies.

In the past exW has demanded to know contact information of the hotel we are staying in when on holiday, DP didn't tell her.

I was just trying to pre-empt another quite predictable "situation" from occurring. You're right, she doesn't need to know, and its important we all have boundaries.

OP posts:

CandyLane · 09/06/2015 14:38

I agree, she doesn't need to know.
If she needs him he has access to email, I assume he'll also have some use of his mobile phone and if in the case of an absolute emergency then surely she can get hold of him through family?
She doesn't need to know where he is and certainly doesn't need to know which hotel he is staying in, she may want to know so she can have a nosey at it online and feel like she has some element of control.

gofuckyourself · 09/06/2015 14:47

It's absolutely none of her business what you both do when you don't have the children.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 09/06/2015 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Cadburyhome · 09/06/2015 15:36

I totally agree it isn't any of her business, BUT if it was the other way around and she was posting on here about her DC being poorly while her exH is holidaying abroad with his new wife, and he didnt bother to tell her he was away. I can imagine the responses would be sympathetic to her and not telling her it isn't any of her business!

I'm just trying to see the situation from everyones viewpoint, and I think in the grand scheme of life, improving and building relationships with ex partners will only lead to positive outcomes for the kids?

OP posts:

Georgethesecond · 09/06/2015 15:42

I think you're right. It's better for the kids that mum knows dad is away and where he is (which country at any rate). He only needs to drop a line saying he'll be in Spain (or wherever) on the relevant dates and will check his email so she can contact him that way if she needs to.

What the point in not telling her? I don't get it.

wannaBe · 09/06/2015 15:49

How old are the dc and will he be telling them that he is going away?

My xh doesn't necessarily tell me that he is going away or where but he does tell ds, and similarly if I go away overnight or for a weekend I tell my ds where I am, so invariably the information filters back to the other parent.

I don't necessarily think that where you are going etc is any of his xw's business but I do think that the children have a right to know where their parents are. Not necessarily down to the actual hotel but the city at least, and if they're too young to comprehend then I would tell the ex yes. My ds would feel incredibly excluded from my life if I started going abroad and didn't tell him. And he should feel comfortable talking to his dad about where I am/going - it's not a secret iyswim.

CandyLane · 09/06/2015 17:06

I wouldn't expect my ex to tell me where he was going during his time without DS.
I actually have a very good relationship with my ex and I think the secret to that is that we stay out of each other's business, we have a set arrangements which rarely change and I don't comment on anything he does, with or without DS and he does the same.
I didn't even tell him when I was pregnant, not really for any reason other than the fact that it didn't affect him in any way and there was never a time until the birth was imminent that I felt there was any need for me to say anything. Clearly at 40 weeks it was blatantly obvious!
The only thing we ever talk about is DS and pick up / drop off arrangements.
I wish to God DH's ex could be more like me but for some reason she feels she's got a right to comment on everything DH does and doesn't do...he can't do right for doing wrong most of the time! In your situation OP, if he told her he was going away he'd complain that he's going away without DCs, if he didn't tell her she would complain that she needs to be able to contact him. Either way, he can't win.

fedupbutfine · 09/06/2015 17:07

so your husband isn't due to see his children during the next 2 weeks?

MatchsticksForMyEyes · 09/06/2015 17:11

I'm in this position. I have booked 3 days away in the summer. Ex hates dp despite the fact we met after we were divorced and I know if I told him something we come up which meant he couldn't have the dc. I do feel uneasy about it though.

Original poster

Cadburyhome · 09/06/2015 17:18

The holiday has been arranged so it wont affect any contact with DC (he currently sees them eow).

The children are still young, so dont think mum would know if information was reliable coming from kids. Also we've been on the other side of info sharing via kids (mum moving house) and not sure thats the best approach at the moment.

OP posts:

nottonightjoesphine · 09/06/2015 17:21

To all the people saying she doesn't need to or have the right to know...that is such an appalling attitude to have. She is the mother of these children and if it was the other way around, around of mere courtesy to the children at least, they would benefit from knowing where their other parent was.
God it's so bloody hostile in here sometimes. What good reason is there not to tell? Sounds like point scoring to me.

JakieOH · 09/06/2015 17:37

Does she tell your OH what she is doing when you have the children?

creativevoid · 09/06/2015 17:48

Josephine unfortunately not everyone is reasonable and uses information in the spirit in which it is intended. Some of us have learned the hard way that sharing information is just a way for the ex to exercise control. I don't want to project onto the Op's situation but the ex w does sound as if she has been unreasonable in the past and that op's dp has reason for not sharing.

TheMumsRush · 09/06/2015 18:02

My dh's ex doesn't tell us where she's going or what she's doing with the kids or what's she's doing when the kids are with us, it's her business, and that works both ways. The only exception is when it meant moving contact to another time. And it works both ways for us. Really don't see why this information needs to be provided, as long as they can get hold of each other.

fedupbutfine · 09/06/2015 18:39

Really don't see why this information needs to be provided, as long as they can get hold of each other

you don't see why? at all? plane comes down? flood? fire? volcano? hurricane? coach crash, car crash, other natural disaster (or not so natural)?

I don't tell my ex what I'm up to and never will. However, it does cross my mind that if he doesn't know I'm away down the M6 when there's a pile up, he has no idea whether or not I could be in it (and of course, even if I'm away to a place down the M6, it doesn't necessarily mean I'm driving). Does it matter? Is it OK that in this kind of scenario, the children would be the last to know (literally)? I can't help but feel uncomfortable with that and whilst I know it's unlikely to ever happen, it does happen.

With this in mind, I have 'father of my children' in my phone and a note in my purse saying that I have children who may be with their father at X address on Y number. But who knows whether, in a worse case scenario, it will be enough?

OP, with all due respect, as an ex, I have way more important things to do than search out my ex's hotel online. I don't know many (if any) people who have that kind of 'need to know' mentality. Assuming your DH pays his dues (literally) to his children, the ex knowing where he's staying really isn't an issue.

nottonightjoesphine · 09/06/2015 19:01

I don't agree with providing any more than the minimum that is necessary, eg dates, broad location (certainly not specifics or hotels!)

Quesera21 · 09/06/2015 19:09

I think it depends on the age of the children - teens who can comprehend it, can be told themselves. Younger children not so easy.

My EX knows where I am on any day of the week, my work timetable, if I go on holiday, if I go out for a drink in the evening - because I have the DCs 95% of the time. ( controlling is an understatement)

He tries not to tell me anything about what he is up to, what he is doing etc - again a control mechanism. He and his dear DP learnt a v valuable lesson, when they went off for a dirty weekend, turned their phones off and did not tell anyone where they were going. They both came home to find one of her DCs, in childrens ITU and one of mine admitted with meningitis. Both kids were fine eventually - their anger at both their EXs, would have been amusing if the situation had not been so serious. Her Ex phoned me to ask if I knew where they were. There were 50 + messages left on their phones so they knew once they landed people were trying to get hold of them.

OP - I personally agree with your approach. Less confrontational and more adult. You do not stop being parent - just because it is not your contact time, kids are your 24/7 365.

JakieOH · 09/06/2015 19:22

But quesera the OPs DP will still be as contactable as when he is at home. If anything were to happen the exw would be able to contact him.

To be honest much as my OH and his ex dont get on I would feel a bit uncomfortable going away for 2 weeks without her knowing. I'm not actually sure why, but I woukd. We couldn't do that anyway as DP sees his kids regularly.

I don't think she has any right to know if he doesn't want to tell her, but like you, I would probably feel uneasy about it.

TheMumsRush · 09/06/2015 19:35

Fedup, if our plain came down then out next of kin would be informed, who in turn would the the ex know. And if anything happened like that to the ex we would hear from her parents, as I'm sure she would be in hospital and unable to respond to email form is asking if she's ok

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