Going on holiday do you tell ex?

[Cadburyhome]

Hi,

my husband and I are going on holiday in a months time (abroad) and he hasn't told his exW (mother of his 2 DS). I feel out of respect, and in case of an emergency with the kids he should provide her with dates of when we will be out of the country. He doesn't agree. Where we are going will have wi-fi so he'll be reachable via e mail (they only communicate via email in the UK). I'm not in a position to talk to exW myself, and also don't think its my place too.

Just after some advice from other families on how they do things?

Is my husband right, its none of her business, or do you think she should know?

And anyway, the op isn't saying they are not reachable, that are, although I don't know how useful email would be in a major earthquake

I think that's the problem, isn't it? It's the possibility of 'unknown disaster of who knows what magnitude' that could happen and the ex not having a clue that it might affect the children (and indeed, herself because as much as I wish my ex dead on a good day (!!!), the reality would of course have an impact on me personally).

As for next of kin...does everyone have next of kin? I'm not sure that will always work.

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting we should always tell our exs exactly where we are at any given moment, but I do think that consideration should always be given to the 'what if....'.

I have been the XW in this situation. My XH left the country on at least 3 occasions for 2-3 weeks with his now-wife, and chose not to tell me each time, on the basis that I could email him and therefore had no right to know anything about his life. At the time, he never called or skyped our DC anyway so going 2 weeks or so between any phone or physical contact wasn't unusual. Personally, as the RP this lack of contact with our DC was a contributing factor in me and XH having a really poor relationship back then. (I was pissed off that he wouldn't make the effort, not blocking him from trying, to be clear.) Is there phone contact with your DP and his DC? If so, won't he be skyping or calling from a hotel/abroad and therefore his XW will simply see you are away anyway?

Anyway, for all those who think that it'll never happen that XW will need to get hold of him, I disagree. Sod's law. On one of the occasions my XH went on holiday, our eldest son (then still only 2yo) was hospitalised. I was home with our baby at the time and naturally tried to let him know. I couldn't get hold of him, he was far too busy/complacent to check his emails, as you tend to be, on holiday.

To tell you the truth, it didn't matter in the immediate situation. I had other family to rely on and my DS recovered, thankfully. BUT and it's a big but, I have never since then looked at XH as someone I would EVER rely on, turn to or expect anything from in case of emergency. In effect he's been demoted in my mind from next of kin to someone on the 'should be informed' list. I know this will have a mixed reaction on the SP board but there you go. Cause = effect. He appeared to give no shits whatsoever, and convincing me otherwise is going to be pretty hard.

I am perfectly pleasant to him and facilitate his contact these days exactly as I did before, without any drama, but the emotional legacy is there. It's just one of those things that you clearly instinctively know anyway: there are lasting effects of treating the childs' other parent as the adversary, and in this case I think you're right, it's unnecessary.

If your DH has already got a bad relationship with his XW, she may already feel unable to call on him. Nevertheless, bear in mind that he won't win anything by living up to someone's low opinion of him. Bridges are built by the bigger person, not the one who wants to stick two fingers up at their ex. It won't change anything about your holiday to say you are going, and provide contact details. So personally, given my experience, I would say you should.

I think from the responses, it all depends on the kind of relationship you have with the ex, as to how much information you're willing to share.

We've had many holidays(in UK) without the kids and haven't informed exW, because we don't feel we need to share that. Likewise, when we have the DC and she's gone away (in UK) we havent asked where she'll be. I think there is a mutual understanding, that our "private" (i.e kids not involved) life is exactly that, private.

However, I do feel that as a responsible adult, its important to provide relevant info to ex's when it will impact the children. In this case, leaving the country falls into that category, if for no other reason than ensuring the kids can have a conversation with the other parent about it without it being a surprise. My DP and I have been on the receiving end of a "surprise" and its awkward all round. The kids shouldn't get caught up in the complications of the adults relationships.

If by my DP telling his exW we are going away causes a frosty reception because shes not happy about it, i still think thats better than damage that could be caused by not sharing.

But that's my point, if anything did happen they still can get in touch, if it were a cast of no way of contacting them then that's not the same, but in this case the op and her dp are going away and have a means of communication.

In my case, we all have each other's numbers so this would never happen, I contact my dh's ex over much less (belongings left here that may be needed) but we are talking about the op and what her dp wants. Anyway, I think I've been taken the wrong way and I'm against contact (I'm not), just don't think in this case the ex needs to know the ins and outs if she can still get hold of them in the way she is use to

If we're taking DSD, DH provides a full itinerary with flight and hotel details and she does the same for DH when she's taking DSD away.

If we're not taking DSD, then DH would mention "we're going to Italy on Saturday for the week" or something.

We keep our mobiles on us, he continues to have regular contact with DSD by phone / email / text message and we both check our emails daily so there's no reason for handing out anymore detail.

My DSD's ex wouldn't ask though. She's not overly interested in what DH does while she has DSD.

I think letting her know you're away and reassuring her that you'll be checking your mobiles regularly would be reasonable. Possibly mention any significant time difference which might explain you not answering your phone immediately .

contactable fine.

The knowledge that the other parent is not available to bail out when the SH1T hits the fan and your kids are small is. Her EX phoned me to find out where they were, he needed someone to look after their other DC because could not take then 3 yr old on to ITU. He had been going frantic for 4 hrs trying to get hold of her. If he had known that she was overseas, he would not have wasted the time trying to contact her.

Whilst I knew the phone was off for my DP , which meant he was out of the country and would not answer and I sorted out other arrangements for my other 2 immediately.

Did not matter where they had gone, really not interested, but the SH1T really landed that weekend for both of the Exs.

Still think the OP has the right attitude.

dp works away loads and unless his travel impacts his contact time (it often does in fact) there's no reason for him to tell ex he is out of the country - she can still phone, text of email as can dss.

Uncontactable for some reason - yes, I think they should know.

Oh, we've taken dss abroad a few times and ex doesn't even ask where we're going let alone flights and hotel details. She can have it if she wants it but she's never seemed interested.

" if our plain came down then out next of kin would be informed, who in turn would the the ex know."

Hmm, that doesn't really work - I have him as my next of kin, don't know who he has, presumably his mother, but they wouldn't have a clue how to contact his ex.

Also aren't people missing a trick? Whenever we go away we are still mainly contactable on our mobiles/email, and never on a hotel phone or equivalent! So having info about where people are staying is a very out-of-date idea.
I think if the kids are little and parents are sharing care 50/50 then it probably IS a good idea. But older kids, EOW, no way.

Particularly in the early days, we were rather sparing with the information was gave the ex, as she'd use it to be awkward.

For example "oh, you're flying from Birmingham at 5pm? Well could you keep DSS til 2pm that day, because I'm busy?"

Whereas if she hadn't know we had a plane to catch, I doubt she would have been busy ......

Admittedly we were the same in the early days - DH's ex once used the hotel details we gave her to price up our honeymoon. Things have moved on as time has passed thankfully.

DH’s ex once used the hotel details we gave her to price up our honeymoon

Priceless! Although I wouldn’t have given her that amount of detail in case she phoned the hotel and cancelled the booking ……

What can I say:

Saturday - I will pick DCs up from school On wednesday says EX.
Fine I say.

Today - phoned by school at 1400, DC1 got abdo pain and diarrhoea can we pick him early. No problem I think - their Dad is picking them up, will call him and tell him to come early.

Oh so naive am I!

Phone EX - overseas ring tone, for once he picks up. Explain situation realising that it is not going to happen but letting nothing on.

Er yes, um, DP needed to get away so we have gone away for a few days.

So you will not be picking up DCs tonight then - er no.

Were you going to tell me - so I could organise pick ups?

Er yes well, you are lucky I answered my phone when I did we were just about to turn them off.

I did not need to know where, when why, cost - but just knowing the total tosspot asshole was out of the country on a day he was going to pick them would have been vaguely useful!!!

That was out of order, he sounds like a tool quesera!

Personally, I think you shouldn't have to. If your holiday, does not interrupt the normal visiting or contact schedule with your children, your holiday is your time, your private life etc.

My Ex-wife had three holidays between August and Christmas 2021 and took the children away with her partner and I heard about it only when the girls slipped up and told me and my eldest said "Mummy said not to say".

I'm away soon, as my Partner has now said she's taking me away, but it won't be when I am scheduled to see my children, so she doesn't need to know. My phone will be in the safe and checked once a day in the evenings whilst I am away. After the last four years, I need a break and the only reason my Partner has just told me about the holiday that she has paid for, is that I need to sort my clothes out. I think she would have done that for me too to be fair if she'd be able to.

Long and short of it is, you only need to tell the other parent when you are taking the children out of England for a holiday. It doesnt work, for when you are going away with your partner without the children, especially if it doesn;'t interfere with contact which is pre set up/

Hell. I didn't even get told that my Daughter was attending her holy communion and found out via a what's app picture profile update on my ex's number. So my Ex can do one! I think you should do the same. It's your holiday, not the children's in this case, so no reason to tell her, not her business. If she has your number she can still get through on a call or a text. 9 times out of 10, if your ex knows you're going away, she will feel that that money spent on the holiday should be spent on the kids and how dare you have a life. As a solicitor told me. None of her business. Oh and don't fall for the crying wolf text messages or answer phone messages. They try everything to make you feel guilty.

Many countries require a letter from the other parent saying they have agreed to the travel abroad.

One of mine has major medical issues - Ex would panic - he did not tell me the first time he and then DP took them away. Major panic when DC got sick exactly as I predicted if he got dehydrated. Luckily for him I had packed in the DCs suitcase the antibioics and dioralyte he needed.

Irresponsible to leave the country and not say in my opinion

ZOMBIE THREAD from 2015, people.

If you’re not taking the children and theres no planned contact during that period, then there really is no need for his ex to know what he’s doing at all.

I don’t ask my ex what he’s doing or where he’ll be if he says he won’t be able to have DS on whatever dates. It’s none of my business. He doesn’t ask me either.

I’d tell him where I was taking DS if I was going abroad with him (and get him to sign a letter about it) but that’s because it’s important he knows what country his child is in.

He doesn’t care where I am or what I’m doing. Why would he?

@HirplesWithHaggis

ZOMBIE THREAD from 2015, people.

How did someone manage to bump that?

Closing threads after a certain period of inactivity would be useful.

I have a child with a chronic condition and we sometimes end up in hospital. My ex doesn’t tell me what he’s up to which is fine, but less so when he’s clearly out of the country (change of ring tone) and I have to communicate his absence to our child. In terms of managing expectation and upset caused, it would be helpful to know in advance what we’re dealing with. Shit happens. There’s no point pretending it doesn’t.

Zombie

But unless you have a 'lives with' court order legally the position is you need consent from both parents.

No, I don't tell my ex when I go away and don't expect him to tell me either. We both have mobiles and are contactable.