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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Going on holiday do you tell ex?

71 replies

Cadburyhome · 09/06/2015 13:38

Hi,

my husband and I are going on holiday in a months time (abroad) and he hasn't told his exW (mother of his 2 DS). I feel out of respect, and in case of an emergency with the kids he should provide her with dates of when we will be out of the country. He doesn't agree. Where we are going will have wi-fi so he'll be reachable via e mail (they only communicate via email in the UK). I'm not in a position to talk to exW myself, and also don't think its my place too.

Just after some advice from other families on how they do things?

Is my husband right, its none of her business, or do you think she should know?

OP posts:

beachcitygirl · 20/04/2022 14:07

God forbid his ex drops dead while you're both away & the kids need him.
For god sake & for futures relationship sake just say where you're going & when " for emergencies"

SoggyPaper · 20/04/2022 14:16

beachcitygirl · 20/04/2022 14:07

God forbid his ex drops dead while you're both away & the kids need him.
For god sake & for futures relationship sake just say where you're going & when " for emergencies"

🤣🤣🤣

no hyperbole there!

what difference would the dead ex having been told where he was make? The woman has dropped dead. The father is in another country. Someone is going to have to call him and he’ll make arrangements to return.

same in any other emergency situation. It doesn’t matter where he is; he’s abroad.

or do you think he should remain at home on standby in case his ex requires him for emergencies at all time? Should he contact her to tell her every time he’s going to the cinema and will be turning off his phone/not taking calls just in case there is an emergency?

thebeespyjamas · 20/04/2022 14:49

Does she have part custody of these children?

If that's the case then taking someone's children out of the country without them knowing is quite frankly disgusting, in my view. Imagine getting a phone call your child is hurt, getting ready to travel to wherever, then oh it's out of the country.

That's traumatising to say the least. That's not fair.

Different story if she doesn't have custody of them.

thebeespyjamas · 20/04/2022 14:51

nottonightjoesphine · 09/06/2015 17:21

To all the people saying she doesn't need to or have the right to know...that is such an appalling attitude to have. She is the mother of these children and if it was the other way around, around of mere courtesy to the children at least, they would benefit from knowing where their other parent was.
God it's so bloody hostile in here sometimes. What good reason is there not to tell? Sounds like point scoring to me.

Right!? The idea of not knowing that my daughter was out of the country actually makes me feel sick. It's a breach of trust. It's just strange so many people saying she doesn't have the right to know. I want to know what city my child is in 100% of the time. Just because you share custody why would this be different?

I'm shocked honestly.

thebeespyjamas · 20/04/2022 14:54

Cadburyhome · 09/06/2015 20:21

I think from the responses, it all depends on the kind of relationship you have with the ex, as to how much information you're willing to share.

We've had many holidays(in UK) without the kids and haven't informed exW, because we don't feel we need to share that. Likewise, when we have the DC and she's gone away (in UK) we havent asked where she'll be. I think there is a mutual understanding, that our "private" (i.e kids not involved) life is exactly that, private.

However, I do feel that as a responsible adult, its important to provide relevant info to ex's when it will impact the children. In this case, leaving the country falls into that category, if for no other reason than ensuring the kids can have a conversation with the other parent about it without it being a surprise. My DP and I have been on the receiving end of a "surprise" and its awkward all round. The kids shouldn't get caught up in the complications of the adults relationships.

If by my DP telling his exW we are going away causes a frosty reception because shes not happy about it, i still think thats better than damage that could be caused by not sharing.

It's not about her being an ex, she's their mother and surely wants to know where her children are like any normal mother?

Obviously my opinion is of no consequence to you as I don't know you but please tell her, do not remove her children from the country without her knowing, it's really out of order.

SoggyPaper · 20/04/2022 15:26

the thread was actually about the ex wanting to know where he is while he’s on holiday with his partner, on their own.

the child was with the mother in the uk.

knowing where your child is is a completely different issue to wanting to know where your ex is.

Branleuse · 20/04/2022 15:53

I think its up to him and chances are it will be fine and you dont need to be involved. Youve suggested it and youre not unreasonable, but i dont think its anything worth pushing the point

mathanxiety · 20/04/2022 17:36

He needs to give dates of outbound and return travel and assure contact will be possible via email or however contact is possible.

It's a courtesy and unless she's an abusive psycho he should be willing to do this.

Haaaaliday · 20/04/2022 19:56

Cadburyhome · 09/06/2015 13:55

She will find out we have been away from other family members, so i think its better she finds out from dp first. After all its keeping secrets which undermines trust. I don't think we are doing anything wrong, so see no reason not to tell her.

Equally what trust would it undermine if you're not doing anything wrong? Why does she have to know?

Haaaaliday · 20/04/2022 19:58

beachcitygirl · 20/04/2022 14:07

God forbid his ex drops dead while you're both away & the kids need him.
For god sake & for futures relationship sake just say where you're going & when " for emergencies"

Oh ffs 😂😂😂😂

Useranon1 · 20/04/2022 19:58

@thebeespyjamas the child wasn't going.

@RegisJay why have you resurrected such an old thread?!!

Sbqprules · 20/04/2022 20:03

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Sbqprules · 20/04/2022 20:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Haaaaliday · 20/04/2022 20:06

I don't tell my ex what I'm up to and never will. However, it does cross my mind that if he doesn't know I'm away down the M6 when there's a pile up, he has no idea whether or not I could be in it (and of course, even if I'm away to a place down the M6, it doesn't necessarily mean I'm driving). Does it matter? Is it OK that in this kind of scenario, the children would be the last to know (literally)? I can't help but feel uncomfortable with that and whilst I know it's unlikely to ever happen, it does happen.

Well unless you tell your ex your every move this is always likely to be the case?

You could get flattened by a falling shelf in your local Tesco, should you tell him every time you go to the shops in case?

Walking to a friend's round the corner and get hit by a bus, best let him know you're leaving your house.. etc etc.

I'm assuming there will be people who know OP and her husband are abroad. If he disappeared off the face of the earth someone i.e. his family or friends or OPs family/friends will know where they are.

CornishGem1975 · 20/04/2022 21:02

My ex wouldn't care if I was in a pile-up, in fact he'd probably be thrilled.

thebeespyjamas · 20/04/2022 21:24

Useranon1 · 20/04/2022 19:58

@thebeespyjamas the child wasn't going.

@RegisJay why have you resurrected such an old thread?!!

ah, apparently it's a bug in the new layout.

Frankola · 27/04/2022 21:08

Perhaps just say you are away between x and y. No details on location or plans etc.

In my experience the first holiday abroad dh and I took alone without sc (she was 4 and it wasn't her contact time) we told ex and literally the day after we arrived the issues started. Constant calls and texts of questions about sc she had never once bothered about telling us before.

We learned from then to just say we are away between x and y and phones will kept in the rooms so only message in an emergency that we need to know about.

WindyKnickers · 28/04/2022 09:28

When my DC were very small my ex went away to a gig in a different city including an overnight stay. No real need to tell me but baby DS was very unwell and needed to go to hospital. Ex had his phone switched off or out of signal for several hours and I had no one to look after DD. If I had known he was away I'd have contacted family much earlier on and asked for help instead of leaving shirty voicemails for him. On his return we agreed that if either of us was going away overnight or would be uncontactable for a long period of time we would let each other know (no details required, just "out of town for the weekend" etc) it would put the other in a better position if anything arose. But we are on fairly good terms so maybe its harder if you aren't.

HotDogKetchup · 01/05/2022 19:18

My DH’s ex doesn’t even ask for details when we fly with her son. We have left the country and returned and she doesn’t even know where he’s going. I wouldn’t dream of telling her my plans for the sake of it. What’s it matter? If there’s an emergency it won’t make any difference to your ability to get there if she knows in advance.

HotDogKetchup · 01/05/2022 19:22

I would add by the same token that DH has known DSS’ Mum has been out the country but hasn’t known either the dates or location. It doesn’t seem odd to me.

Willyoujustbequiet · 04/05/2022 23:45

Unless he has a "lives with" order it's not legal to travel abroad without the mother's consent

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