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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

have you ever said anythong bad to your stepkids?

70 replies

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 23/02/2015 07:51

I have and feel terrible about it. But only because what I said was tongue in cheek and it caused their mum to go mental. Which to be fair I would have too if shoe was on other foot.

Now I am questioning whether I want to be in this relationship where the ex is always in my life. She doesn't make anything easy and I can't relax around the kids because anything I say or do goes back to her and she always twists it to cause a row. It's really beginning to cause tension between me and dp.

OP posts:

Pantone363 · 23/02/2015 08:00

What did you say?

How old are DC?

Arsenic · 23/02/2015 08:07

Did you get it ironed out?

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 23/02/2015 08:09

They are 11 and 8. Basically they were being bad and winding each other up and not doing as told. We were at dps mums and they just wouldn't stop. And I had asked then to leave each other alone as we were leaving. Then they started punching each other and I said to dp can we go before I knock one of them out. (I'd never hit anyone ever so was def just a flippant comment as I'd never hit my own kids let alone someone else's) I was at my wits end and getting frustrated. So to be fair I can understand why mum went a bit mad. I would have too. But it genuinely was a tongue in cheek remark and like I say it would never happen.

I don't even know why I said it. It's not something I'd ever say or do.

But it made me wonder if I am ready for this step parenting role or even a parenting one. Do I really want his ex breathing down my neck all the time?? it's been 3yrs but it's just getting me so down lately. I'm really not sure what's happening to me.

OP posts:

Ratbagcatbag · 23/02/2015 08:10

Depends on what you said?

I've said lots of things to my DSS, but we have an absolutely rock solid relationship and his mum is one of my best friends so backs me and we discuss moan what a pita he can be. DSS is 16 and at college but I've been in his life for nearly 13 years.

Ratbagcatbag · 23/02/2015 08:13

I think that's a complete over reaction from her.
I'd have said something similar or before I kill him or swing for him etc. I've never laid a finger on DSS so he knows it's more of a comment than what's waiting for him.

Ratbagcatbag · 23/02/2015 08:14

What did their mum say and what did your DP do? Stick up for you?

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 23/02/2015 08:14

I don't have a relationship with mum. But sometimes the kids stretch my last nerve. I'd never be violent to anyone.

OP posts:

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 23/02/2015 08:15

I don't know the full extend of her message. And dp ignored it. He knows I didn't mean it. And I did say sorry to him.

OP posts:

DeliciousMonster · 23/02/2015 08:19

My dsd was being a total whinge arse on holiday in Paris, i had been ridiculously ill all week, and she walked into a restaurant thinking it was the hotel entrance, and starting having a go at me. Yes it was all my fault of course. So i told my OH that he had better shut her up before i did.

Happy days. These things happen.

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 23/02/2015 08:23

So glad it's not just me. I thought I was the worse person ever. I was expecting a flaming. At least I know we all have days like this. I think I'm maybe more frustrated that dsd or dsd has felt the need to tell mum this. I mean I'm pretty sure the kids know I'd never hurt them.

OP posts:

Pantone363 · 23/02/2015 08:45

Honestly? If you said that to one of my kids joking or not you'd have me at the door.

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 23/02/2015 08:55

I wouldn't blame you pantene.

However I know for a fact their mum will have said something similar. I have heard her swear directly at her kids. I'd never swear at a child. I think she has double standards. And that doesn't make what I said right or excuse it.

I feel terrible for saying it.

OP posts:

JohnFarleysRuskin · 23/02/2015 09:01

That sounds tough, op, and I would be really annoyed that my remarks were being 'reported back'. I guess you are starting to feel you have to be guarded, in your own home, in your own time, etc...

The good thing is DP ignored it - and he knows that it was just one of those things. I'd try and ignore it too.

If she comes back again, I'd get DP to nip it in the bud.. 'Always is great with the kids, she would never hurt them...'

nooyearnooname · 23/02/2015 09:04

I'm often threatening all sorts of things to DSS if he doesn't behave....he finds it hilarious! Taken out of context it would sound terrible, and I can well imagine some of it gets parroted back to his mum but if it does we've never heard anything about it because OBVIOUSLY I would never do it, I know it, DSS knows it, DP knows it, and whilst I barely know DSS's mum, any rational adult would know it as well!

Total overreaction on her part IMO.

LineRunner · 23/02/2015 09:18

I suppose the mum doesn't actually know for sure that you said it as a joke, and no-one seems to have communicated this to her.

I am assuming btw that you did say it as a joke, or had you lost your temper by this point? You have to be honest with yourself. It's one thing saying sorry to your DP, but how about the others?

I know it's hard, btw. My DP has his DCs fulltime. It is an intricate balance to care, but not interfere.

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 23/02/2015 09:24

I will say sorry to kids tonight when I see them. I couldn't give a monkeys about their mum.

OP posts:

Storm15 · 23/02/2015 09:26

I think she's being very unreasonable too. Saying and doing are very different things.

I took my DSD to Paris last week along with my DS and DD. DH stayed home with our baby. DSD and DS were being an absolute nightmare in a taxi at one point - jumping out of their seats, whacking each other, slamming into the back of the drivers' seat. I gave them several verbal warnings before physically shoving them back into their seats. DSD immediately yelled "you're not allowed to smack me". I didn't smack her, never have, never will. Not my place. What they were doing was unsafe and very naughty. No regrets.

Years ago, when I first met DH, there's no question DSD's Mum would have called the police / SS to claim I'd abused her daughter. Fortunately as the years have passed, our relationship has improved and there is now a reasonable level of trust. I spoke to her about it as soon as we got home and she said "I would have done much worse in your shoes, don't worry about it'.

Saying that, years ago, I would never have dreamed of taking DSD on holiday without DH because I knew full well her Mum had it in for me. So in answer to your question, I'd have as little to do with your SC as possible for the time being. I'm sure she's waiting for any scrap of information she can use to paint you out to be a monster. Things can and do change with the passage of time though. Promise

SunnyBaudelaire · 23/02/2015 09:26

if you said that to one of my kids I would not be very happy would you? put yourself in the woman's shoes.

TheMumsRush · 23/02/2015 09:33

If you said that to my kids I'd be questioning them as to what they did to cause such a reaction! But of course, you'll get people who think their kids can do no wrong. Don't worry about it op,

BertieBotts · 23/02/2015 09:34

God, when me and my sister were young our stepmum used to make all sorts of joking comments, hang you by the ears from the ceiling, make you sit in the boot/on the roof rack, I'll chop it off, etc. Just normal jokes parents make to kids. I remember teachers saying similar things as well. (I'll glue you to that chair, I'll bang your heads together, etc) We knew they didn't mean it! It's a lighthearted way to say "OK, stop it now!" Are parents really so sensitive these days?

I think the issue is hers, not yours. And I don't think an apology is necessary - perhaps an acknowledgement that you didn't mean to scare them and that it was a joke, if they really took it so seriously.

Definitely don't take it as a sign that you're not ready to be a parent/stepparent. Seriously everyone says stuff like this occasionally and lots of people say it often in a comically exaggerated way for effect. The ex does sound like a bit of a pain in the arse, and yes, she will always be there, but it's up to you how you cope with that.

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 23/02/2015 09:36

Sunny I think you should read the whole thread. I have said I prop would have done the same. But in fairness I'd have asked a million questions before trying. To start a row with anyone.

OP posts:

AGirlCalledBoB · 23/02/2015 09:40

Hmm tricky, I am generally very supportive of step-parents. I grew up with step-parents but as a I parent I too would have been at your door if you said that to my child! So if you can't control what you say then yep you are going to repeatedly have trouble with the mother, rightly so. You would not threaten to knock one of your friend's child out because they were misbehaving so why do it to a stepchild.

Having said that I think most people are guilty of losing their temple now and again but you need to step back and let your oh deal with his kids behaviour when he is there. Let him deal with it, and it sounds as if you blame the ex a lot for how the kids are but she did not raise the kids herself, sounds like your partner was ignoring their bad behaviour. So you may find you have problems with your boyfriend.

LineRunner · 23/02/2015 09:42

But the Ex doesn't know it was a joke, does she? Her young children have told her something, and her text has been ignored.

I think she (and the situation) at least deserves a 'sorry, it was meant as a joke', to defuse things. I know I would appreciate something like this.

OP, or is the situation really not defusable? I'm not so naive as to be unaware of truly difficult people.

AGirlCalledBoB · 23/02/2015 09:44

Temper not temple!

MythicalKings · 23/02/2015 09:46

Ex must know it was an off the cuff remark and is just stirring it. Shame the kids have to tell tales, though.

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