have you ever said anythong bad to your stepkids?

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

I have and feel terrible about it. But only because what I said was tongue in cheek and it caused their mum to go mental. Which to be fair I would have too if shoe was on other foot.

Now I am questioning whether I want to be in this relationship where the ex is always in my life. She doesn't make anything easy and I can't relax around the kids because anything I say or do goes back to her and she always twists it to cause a row. It's really beginning to cause tension between me and dp.

Bobs thanks for your response.

I guess I find across mn there seems to be a perception that step mothers are a threat to dsc by stealing away their fathers if not being a physical threat to them. I deliberately avoid being about when dp's kids are about because I feel after years lurking on mn that any error on my part won't be given the benefit of the doubt. I spend a lot of time at the gym or the office when they are here. If I am not there I can't mess up.

I have said similar to my stepkids! I have also said the same about my toddler when she tries my last nerve! if she claims not to have ever said similar she is a liar as is anyone else who claims never to have lost it and threatened to knock heads together or give a clip round the ear. it's normal and don't worry!!

stepkids can try the patience of a saint!

Thanks everyone. It's really good getting some support.

I apologised to kids and explained I would never ever dream of hitting them and it was a bad choice of words etc. They didn't even remember the incident.

It's very hard because on one hard people say 'you must treat your sdc the same as your dc!' but they actually lie

They mean you have to treat them nicer and more gently than any other child that might step through your front door

makes no sense

Look, it was a flippant remark at a time of stress that a parent would have said. The relationship with the mum may mellow with time or not. It's hard to know.

I find people say "treat your DSC as your own but you aren't their parent, ok?". Such a hard, thankless, shitty, balancing act. I hate being a "stepmum". I do however really love my stepchildren. I'm hoping that they know that.

I agree. I feel like I'm having g a really crap time of it just now. Really considering I'd I can live like this forever.

You both have similar quite revealing user-names...

OP, it was so nice of you to apologize to Dp, and to the DC. It's clear the "threat" was out of character and that you feel dreadful about it. It sounds like you feel really over-whelmed with it all. Would it be worth trying to put yourself first for a change? - so when the kids are coming, say, I'm meeting friends, or I'm going to watch a film, or just doing whatever you like to do on your own...

Please don't let all this affect your confidence to be a good parent when the time comes. You come across very well on here, and I reckon everyone will agree, parenting your own child, and parenting someone else's is very very different.

Awww thank you. That's really nice. I think me and dp are having a wee chat tonight about stuff. Because I can't keep feeling like this. I might even just visit my parents every couple of weeks when kids are over. Save any atmosphere or tension. It's just crap because I love being with dp.

But putting me first for once might be a solution.

I think in any normal situation this would be a disproportionate amount of reaction. Address them as you would your own children, otherwise you will wind yourself in a complete knot second guessing yourself and come off just being very odd indeed.

I agree be honest with yourself did you say it in anger, if so say sorry to the kids. Say you must realise I don't actually have endless patience, so that's why I got cross, but that doesn't make it ok so I'm sorry I said that. It takes a solid parent to acknowledge this and shows a good example to a child, and that they are valued and shouldn't accept angry behaviour.

But honestly either way it's standard parent behaviour. Please don't believe parents who say I have never EVER lost my temper with my kids blah blah purleeeeeease. It wouldn't give a very rounded view of you as a human even if that were true but it's not. Step parents are always expected to be the absolute perfect parent, not other type of parenting comes under such absurd scrutiny.

If it was a joke keep being silly don't be stilted with them. I told DSD this weekend I would lock her in the shed if she didn't stop wearing her shoes in the living room. She said 'we don't have a shed'. I said well you will have a cold evening then. We all laughed and a light joke was made that delivered a mild point about her being careful with her muddy shoes. We make a lot of silly jokes with serious points it's a very good parenting tool.

Just be yourself and if you DO say something unfair say sorry, but don't try to think if every action will please someone else you will drive yourself crazy.

I have said and done worse to my DSS.

Step kids really try your patience. Also sounds as if the mother is over reacting and trying to cause trouble, as the kids did not even remember when you apologised.

I suggest talking to your DP and saying that you want stricter boundaries when it comes to his ex. I had to do that to keep my DH's ex away, she was getting too involved too.

Please don't say sorry when you see them. It's playing right into their hands. Wee they afraid at the time? My guess is no. So they've gone home an told mum why? Either because they want to cause drama, they want to get you in trouble, or because they know that their mum likes to hear bad things about you. It's not their fault, they've learned that behaviour. Bit unless you feel that what you said actually upset or worried them then DO NOT apologise.
You will spend your life having to justify everything you say or do if you go down that path. It's bad enough they've got the desired result from mum but they need to know it stops there. Well done to your DH for ignoring it

Of course I've snapped, after several hours of downright rudeness. I got so much grief from DPs family for that, and have often gotten grief from DP for 'picking on her' at times too. I've said that DSDs behaviour needs to be addressed, so maybe they should step up so I don't have to, and that they need to step up very quickly if she starts on me again, because I won't allow her to get away with it for 6 fucking hours straight ever again! I've refused point blank to have her in my sole care until either she learns her manners or I'm trusted to deal with her appropriately. Barrel of laughs in this house!

I did kinda feel I was out of line so I did apologise. But I do think it was blown out of proportion by the kids and their mum.

I've never lifted a finger to anyone ever. Why would I start now??

I try to do stuff without the kids now where I can. It's not worth the stress.

Also dp keeps wanting to take them to my parents for a visit. But I don't want them to go. I feel terrible about it but dsd once said we were forcing her to like my family. Well that's easy solved- I won't involve them in my family. No skin off my nose.

I really don't think the apology was warranted, as it shows a real lack of power for you, and step parenting is all about the power struggles
All their mum needed to do was ask herself, her kids then your DP if really needed if there was actually a possibility of you knocking them out. Job done. But this turned into a muscle flexing exercise

I don't blame you for keeping your family separate and protected from this situation.

Thanks. It's been really good hearing people that agree with me for once. I'm usually on here ranting about this n that and getting a roasting for various comments. Haha.

I do my best in a scrappy situation. Dp doesn't usually have issues with how I am around the kids although he has sensed there is an atmosphere and its all my fault but that's another rant for another day. Xx

Also dp keeps wanting to take them to my parents for a visit. But I don't want them to go. I feel terrible about it but dsd once said we were forcing her to like my family. Well that's easy solved- I won't involve them in my family. No skin off my nose.

always - really interesting - this is worthy of a whole new thread! I have slightly similar issue and my family's home is such a precious place of peace and relaxation and happiness that I am very reluctant to 'impose' it on someone who is at best indifferent.

You didn't do anything wrong - I've been a stepmum for 7 years and I've lost count of the number of times that jokes I made have been reported back to the mum as if they'd been serious. It's just one of those things. I've got a very dry sense of humour. XW doesn't have any. Her problem, not mine...

Having said that, this kind of thing does cause tension and it might be easier for everyone involved if your DP replied to his XW to clarify that you were joking and that she really mustn't worry. Just to defuse the situation. That might be all that's required.

If your SC were a little older, I'd also sit them down and talk to them about the fact that you're perfectly entitled to make jokes (even bad ones) in your own home / when they are around and that they need to live with it. With my SC, that took the wind right out of their sails. But I think 11 and 8 is a bit young for that? Depends on the kids.

Hang in there, OP!

Thank goodness my DSC were late teens when I met their father, things are not wonderful now as I think I'm seen as the WSM on times. If I had all these access visit problems to deal with, I'd have given up a long time ago!