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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

have you ever said anythong bad to your stepkids?

70 replies

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 23/02/2015 07:51

I have and feel terrible about it. But only because what I said was tongue in cheek and it caused their mum to go mental. Which to be fair I would have too if shoe was on other foot.

Now I am questioning whether I want to be in this relationship where the ex is always in my life. She doesn't make anything easy and I can't relax around the kids because anything I say or do goes back to her and she always twists it to cause a row. It's really beginning to cause tension between me and dp.

OP posts:

DeliciousMonster · 23/02/2015 09:47

Honestly? If you said that to one of my kids joking or not you'd have me at the door.

And I'd hand you a grip and tell you to get over yourself.

AGirlCalledBoB · 23/02/2015 10:04

DeliciousMonster why?

The mother does not know this woman, does not know what she is like, what she is capable of and all she has heard that her child has been threatened with violence by their dad's new partner. The fifth one since the split for all we know.

Surely it's not unreasonable for a mother to find out more about the situation? Or should she just wait until her child is hit or something?

Yes it may well have been a joke but I would not say it to my son so why on earth would I be ok with another woman saying it.

Some people need to put themselves in the mother's shoes.

DeliciousMonster · 23/02/2015 10:08

Some people need to put themselves in the stepmother's shoes.

Corrected for you. Perhaps mummy and daddy need to sort the behaviour of their own kids, then the step mother would not have to get to the end of their tether with their behaviour and 'step' in.

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 23/02/2015 10:08

Girlfriend of 3years. Lived with for a year. His 2nd f2f since their split. I have been nothing but nice dp has told her this on many occassions where dsd has over exaggerated what's happened.

Ps I have also agreed I was in the wrong.

OP posts:

JohnFarleysRuskin · 23/02/2015 10:10

I'm in the mother's shoes - and I perfectly understand that people may find my DC annoying.

A new girlfriend? Yes, I would be very annoyed, but someone who has been in their life for three years? No, I wouldn't.

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 23/02/2015 10:10

Do tries to enforce rules etc but mum doesn't have same values. So kids are probably confused. But they do know what's right and wrong. But dp got an earful from me as he should have been controlling the situation. Not me.

OP posts:

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 23/02/2015 10:11

Not that I was in control. I clearly wasnt

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 23/02/2015 10:15

There is no such thing as perfect parenting which produces perfectly behaved kids all the time. Kids are annoying, because they are literally immature - sort of an existential hazard really.

You are human, it's human to get annoyed at people who are being irritating whether it's because they are immature or for any reason. Just life, and the ex has to suck it up. You're not harming them and you weren't out of line.

Feelingreallystupid · 23/02/2015 10:39

I gave the vs to my stepsons back and my partner saw . He was just frustrating me with his attitude ......

PatterofaMinion · 23/02/2015 10:57

I struggle with this as a parent - my son no longer sees his step mother since she was pretty unpleasant to him a couple of years ago. He just sees his father on their own.

The point is not about double standards. Of course there are two standards, one of you is their parent, the other is not.

Being a parent carries with it a huge backstory of love, of devotion, of pain and most of all a huge attachment to the child, going both ways. This means that any comments or tellings off are within a context.

If you are not the parent, you do not have this same context. Just as I feel it's alright for me to lose it a bit with my children sometimes, maybe swear or shout, within reason of course, but would not wish one of their teachers to do so - I wouldn't want a step parent to do this either. Because they are not connected to the child in the same way and do not carry the burden of this connection, which means that even when you shout, your child knows you still love them and will be there for them and do anything for them.

It's a very basic difference. and imo anyone who is not the child's parent ought probably to approach the child in a very guarded manner in terms of how angry they get.

OP I don't think you said anything that awful, and given your position has been over some time, it probably was an overreaction, but really the only thing you need to remember is you're not their Mum, and therefore, you can't behave like their mum. However much childcare you actually do.

It's a very difficult line to tread. You're not a parent, but you're being given parent duties. I sympathise.

Ratbagcatbag · 23/02/2015 12:08

Actually patterofaminion, that's exactly how I feel about my DSS. Granted I've been in his life for nearly 13 years (since he was 4) but I understand all what you're saying but from a step parent point of view.
I love him as equally as I do my 2 year old dd and I damn well make sure everything is 50/50.
I know it's slightly off topic but there are some of us out there that do feel that attached and have that love for our DSC's

hoobygalooby · 23/02/2015 12:34

Patter thats all well and good as long as we aren't expected to treat them like our own in other ways.
I would happily treat my stepdc as 'other people's kids' but that means I get to opt out of the motherly duties I do for my own dc.
You can't have it all ways!!!

Storm15 · 23/02/2015 12:37

Really object to step-parenting being aligned with a teacher / pupil relationship. It really isn't anything like the same!

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 23/02/2015 12:55

I do too storm. We have a closer relationship with these kids than a teacher does.

Step parenting is a thankless task. And I could never differentiate between DSC and DC (if and when I have any) they all get treated the same as far as I'm concerened.

Yes what I said wasn't clever but at the same time should their mum not have investigated further to what provoked my reaction. Maybe she should be telling my dp that he should be taking more control because she doesn't like me interferring.

OP posts:

Storm15 · 23/02/2015 13:02

Thankless it is. Amen to that!

needaholidaynow · 23/02/2015 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AGirlCalledBoB · 23/02/2015 14:11

I think the problem is dads. If I was to break up with my partner and he had weekend access I would expect him to do everything for our son not sit back and let his girlfriend do it. He created his child and should be dealing with all the parenting, especially if he does only have his child 1-2 days a week. Perhaps if op's partner had actually dealt with his kids, it would not have reached the point it did. My stepmother was and remains great but it was my dad who did the majority of care, that was what I went there for after all! So i agree the mother's issue should be with her ex not op if they not like you being too involved

needaholidaynow · 23/02/2015 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PatterofaMinion · 23/02/2015 16:37

I agree it is almost impossible to manage when you have to act like a parent in so many other ways.

I often wonder if the whole thing is just a really bad idea, particularly from the point of view of the step 'parent' as it seems really unfair on them to have to do the responsibility without the rights.

I find it far far simpler that ds doesn't engage with his step mum at all and we just have his dad to deal with now. It really makes it a lot easier for all of us.

I am sorry if those of you who care deeply for your step children felt what I said was unjust, I think there is a spectrum of parenting involved, and some step relationships are nothing other than fantastic and better than the birth parent/child relationship, while others are kind of dispensable.

savemefromrickets · 23/02/2015 17:12

I have sympathy. I can joke with DS's friends by making silly threats but wouldn't dare say similar to my steps in case it went back to their mum who would love to pull me up on it.

If you don't have a great relationship with the mum then you will be treading on eggshells all the time. I can't see any way round it, I'm afraid.

On the other hand, I have been advised by support workers not to let 'fear of their natural mother' control the relationship that I have with them. That's hard to do when you know that one foot wrong will mean that your DP will be threatened with sudden cessation of contact for however long the mum feels like.

needaholidaynow · 23/02/2015 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whodrankmycoffee · 23/02/2015 20:46

It doesn't sound great out of context but to all the mums who would be at op's theoretical door. Would you do the same if it was a teacher, another child's mother or leader of a youth group or is it just the step parent that you believe would physically assault your child? There are a quite a few step parents within my family with differing levels of involvement with the kids and friendliness to the exes but none believe that a physical assault by the step parent is likely. So I find it odd that so many would make that leap particularly if the parent with care at the time is not a violent arse.

Wdigin2this · 23/02/2015 22:03

If I actually said some of the things I've thought about my (grown) SC, I'd probably be up in front of a judge by now! I'm certainly not going to criticise you for losing it when step-kids drive you nuts, but would suggest my method of...smiling beatifically, looking directly from the battling brats to their dad, and excuse yourself to the loo....where you can run the taps flush the toilet and use the noise cover to grit your teeth and swear like crazy under your breath! Then breeze back in and say sweetly...everything OK now!!!

AGirlCalledBoB · 23/02/2015 23:11

whodrankmycoffee I would want to know more about any adult who told my son to stop or they would knock him out. Not because I think they would genuinely harm them, but because it's not something I find as appropriate to say to my son so I would disagree strongly with someone else saying it. It's not me as a person to use phases like that. I would not kick off just tell them I do not like what they said and would rather they did not say it again.

goldenteapot · 23/02/2015 23:26

I'm the same as rickets - really threatening and sarcastic with my children's friends (they think it's hilarious) but so much politer with dsd even though she lives with me full time. And I feel so guilty of I criticiae her to her dad. It's a hard relationship isn't it?!

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