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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Can you really live with that fact?

67 replies

lovemykids · 23/05/2006 20:30

Can a woman take on another persons children and treat them as her own etc, knowing that they split their mum and dad up? Can they actually live with that guilt and look those children in the eye?

And would they want the man to favour her own
children more than the ex wifes (secretly if not obviously)?

Angry :(

OP posts:
reflection · 23/05/2006 20:39

What is going on here? Is this you or the other woman? Who ever she is she doesn't sound happy.

You ok?

LucyJones · 23/05/2006 20:41

I don't think I could but the man has to have some responsibility for splitting the marriage up - it can't all be blamed on the other woman surely?

rickman · 23/05/2006 20:42

Will be reading this with interest.

mistressmiggins · 23/05/2006 20:44

absolutely LucyJones

husband has MORE responsibility as hes the one who made the committment

BUT I just cant see how a woman can look the kids in the eye and not feel a tad guilty

Rickman - I too will watch this thread....having said that, there are no stepmums on MN who have actually been part of the reason for a failed marriage....

NomDePlume · 23/05/2006 20:45

Not every stepmum is responsible for their partner's marriage/relationship breakdown.

WRT bio kids being favoured more than stepkids - simply, no. My husband has 3 children, one of whom is ours biologically, the other 2 are his from his first marriage. My husband loves his children equally, quite frankly I'd be horrified if he 'favoured' one over the others.

LucyJones · 23/05/2006 20:46

Presumably the woman justifies it to herself by thinking the kids deserve better than living in an unhappy household - the bloke will tell her how crap his marriage was etc and she might feel she has rescued the children from the situation? (maybe!!)

Rhubarb · 23/05/2006 20:47

My stepdad was the reason my mum left my dad.
He never showed any guilt at all.
He treated his own kids appaulingly (never sees them now) and treated us with just as much contempt.

lovemykids - are you ok?

HappyMumof2 · 23/05/2006 21:05

hmmm........ I will also be watching this thread.

I would like to know how some women live with themselves too. Although weak men must take their fair share of the blame.

NomDePlume · 23/05/2006 21:14

I'm sorry, but 'weak men' ? That just gives the men that have affairs an excuse, validation - "I couldn't help myself, blah blah", it piles the blame at the door of the 'other woman' which is wholly unfair.

The sad fact is that there are quite a few married/attached men who are out there looking and actively encouraging extra-marital action. They are just as accountable for their actions as the women are. In fact, as mistressmiggins says, they are more responsible, they are the ones breaking vows.

HappyMumof2 · 23/05/2006 21:17

yes, sorry, talking from my own experience, ex is very weak - that's where his problem lies.

mistressmiggins · 23/05/2006 21:20

as a mother, I couldnt be with a man who was married with children

as a woman (without children) an affair I imagine is very differnt

and I know that you always say a relationship is crap - you try to convince yourself & others

BUT back to OP, I just dont know how a woman can look kids in the eye

Yafta · 23/05/2006 21:21

Why should a single woman take the blame for a married man leaving his wife for her? HE is the one who is married, not her.

mistressmiggins · 23/05/2006 21:25

no-one mentioned single woman - if you're lookig at me cos my ex's mistress has no children, she too was married - she left her husbnad 5 mths b4 I kicked mine out

BUT I have more morals than to go with a married man - a sinfgle woman can tell a married man to leave his wife and THEN come back - you dont have to be with someone who is already attached - it is your choice

cinnamongreyhound · 23/05/2006 21:26

What about men (and women) who are very unhappy in relationships and are simply afraid or dominated by their partners that they don't leave until something better comes along. I am not saying this is the right way to behave but it does happen I don't believe that all men who leave their wives for other woman are weak or that all other women are deliberately trying to break up marriages. If a marriage is stable and happy and the man is commited he would not consider going elsewhere, there's a difference between men having affair after affair and those who actually leave for a new relationship. If a marriage is already unhappy (and this doesn't have to be a story to make people feel better) and the man would have left eventually anyway then I agree you would feel less guilty. You cannot live your life feeling guilty, you are in the given situation no matter how you got there and as long as you do your best for those children and they are happy (which many children are in step families) then that is all you can do.

reflection · 23/05/2006 21:28

However. Regardless if his weakness or not we all have to take responsibility for our own actions. Bringing the focus back on to this woman. If this woman went into this relationship with her eyes open then guilt and shame is a consiquence for herself and this is part of being an adult. What to do about the damage done to the children? Well every situation is different and their emotional well being is paramount on both sides. This woman maust take this into concideration when thinking about her future.

Always strive to have the strength to do the right thing. We all know in our hearts what this is in our own lives. If a person remains in a situation that causes heart ache and misery for others and ultimatly themselves then they will never allow better things to come.

Be brave and do what you know is right. That is of course if the woman in this thread is you.

HappyMumof2 · 23/05/2006 21:29

I do think a single woman should take responsibility for a man leaving his wife and child(ren) She chooses to get into a relationship knowing he had a wife and children.

Personally, it's not something I could do.

mistressmiggins · 23/05/2006 21:30

fine but I personally wouldnt get involved if someone was still attached

you ask them to sort themselves out anD then come back to you

am not going into my story but surely if my entire family (including ex's parents) and friends are all shocked INCLUDING ME then my husband did a pretty good job of hiding how miserable he was

mistressmiggins · 23/05/2006 21:31

and Yafta, your comment is naive and irresponsible

in my situation, a 2 & 4 yr old child are affected for the rest of their lives

cinnamongreyhound · 23/05/2006 21:33

yes but you are talking about you own personal situation you don't know what is happening in the womans. I'm not saying that many people aren't having affairs and leaving their partners for no reason or believing the grass is greener but they are not everyone. As for saying you would not be with a married man you do not know until you are in that situation.

mistressmiggins · 23/05/2006 21:34

yes I do
I know that you can CHOOSe to walk away however hard - you are an adult

I was a right so-an-so when younger, but when you grow up, you have o take responsiblity for your actions

if someone is married, you can choose to walk away however much it hurts

HappyMumof2 · 23/05/2006 21:35

You do know though. You know what your own standards and morals are.

I just wouldn't put a woman and her children through that AND I'd have more self respect.

cinnamongreyhound · 23/05/2006 21:38

As an adult there are things you always do that you never thought you could or would do that's life. It's not predicatable or easy and many people do things others think are wrong but it doesn't mean they didn't think long and hard about it before doing it.

As for leaving an unhappy relationship before starting a relationship I agree that that is the ideal and if in that situation I belive now that I would do that but you don't know until you're there. There are many people in abusive relationships that don't leave, I can't understand that but I don't judge.

flutterbee · 23/05/2006 21:39

OK my Mum left my Dad when I was 4 years old for the baby sitter (now my stepdad) and moved 250miles away with me and my 3 older brothers.

My Mum and Stepdad have gone on to have 3 more children (7 in total) and are still very happily married.

My stepdad has loved and treated us all the same even though he was only 28 when he married my Mum. I have never ever felt pushed out or unfairly treated.

If my stepdad has ever felt guilty for seperating us from my dad then he shouldn't have because as far as I am concerned my Mum no longer loved my Dad and growing up with a loveless marrige would have been much worse than having 2 sets of parents. In the end it has worked out for the best my Dad although devistated at the time is happily remarried and all children involved have excellect relationships with there parents.

mistressmiggins · 23/05/2006 21:42

abusive relationships are different
I ahve been in mentally abusive relationships

however obviously we can only answer threads with our experiences and this question is dear to a few hearts

my husband was not abused (if not spoilt) but workjed away
cant answer for his tarty mistress but doubt she too was abused

falling in love when you know someone is married cant be helped BUT you can walk away b4 it gets that far - I am far from naive and KNOW this is true - people make excuses to justify their actions

dont know why you;re so defensive as having read your posts, you werent the cause of your DH's previous divorce?

reflection · 23/05/2006 21:42

I feel for anyone that feels they have to go from one relationship directly to another simply to escape. This to me shows a total lack of self esteem and that is such a shame.

I do understand that this is something many people have to do and that is their way. I respect that. But, no matter what your situation as an adult you do know right from wrong. Embarking on a relationship with a married person hurts people and I would challenge anyone to say otherwise. Therefore your actions do come back to you.

I would not have a relationship with a married man. Simply because I would not be able to deal with the result.

If you do don't kid yourself that it is easy.

However we all make mistakes and its what you learn from them that counts.

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