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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Can you really live with that fact?

67 replies

lovemykids · 23/05/2006 20:30

Can a woman take on another persons children and treat them as her own etc, knowing that they split their mum and dad up? Can they actually live with that guilt and look those children in the eye?

And would they want the man to favour her own
children more than the ex wifes (secretly if not obviously)?

OP posts:

mistressmiggins · 23/05/2006 21:43

and my ex has only been without a partner since he was 16 for 4 weeks and that was between his previous GF and me

he clearly doesnt like to be alone

HappyMumof2 · 23/05/2006 21:44

flutterbee, that's very nice for you all that it worked out so well. Unfortunately for some of us it's not quite so rosy.

My 2.5 yr old dd has literally NO relationship with her father now and I doubt she ever will have and I am still very about it all.

There are lots of children who don't come out of these situations quite so happily.......

cinnamongreyhound · 23/05/2006 21:47

It wasw something I felt very strongly about and couldn't understand how anyone could do that to another person or how you could evet trust that person not to so the same to you. I spent a long time wrestling with myself when I became friends with someone I worked with who I was attracted to. I knew he was married and very unhappy but I enjoyed his company and that was it at the time. When he told me he was attracted to me I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore. We ended up together and he left his wife 2 weeks after beginning our relationship.

You can obviously make your own assumptions about this but he was in a very unhappy marriage (from his point of view and many others) his son had been very upset by many arguements that his parents had had. My partner had found it very difficult to be in the house with his ex-wife there are was consequently spending less time with his son.

His son is happy now, yes he misses his dad and it is not an ideal situation but nor is a household where both parents are trying t hurt each other because they are angry and who are drinking large amounts of alcohol. My parents are divorced and I did not want another child to be in that situation because of me but I genuinely believe he is in a better situation now. I do feel guilty sometime but also feel he now has another person in his life looking after him, caring for him and loving him and I do love him very much. I am not proud of what I did but it has happened I cannot change it and I refuse to spend my life feeling guilty, I just try to do the best for my partner and his son.

Caligula · 23/05/2006 21:48

I think Yafta's question is interesting because it shows up the shift in the attitude to marriage from being a public legal arrangement, involving the whole of the community, to a private relationship of interest only to the two parties involved. Of course her question is logical if you believe marriage is primarily the concern only of the two people who got married, and if no-one else outside of the couple - children, relatives, grandparents, the wider society - is a stakeholder in that marriage.

flutterbee · 23/05/2006 21:52

Happymum The fact that your dd has no relationship with her Dad is only a reflection on her Dad not on the woman he chose to run off with.

As far as I am concerned if I left my DH for another man then I would always make sure I saw my ds and no man or woman on this planet could change that, if your ex has chosen not to have a proper relationship with his dd then he is a total jerk and obviously a very very weak person, but it is not the fault of his new gf.

Rhubarb · 23/05/2006 21:53

I'm more concerned about Lovemykids than the original question tbh.

mistressmiggins · 23/05/2006 21:54

and for you cinnamongreyhound thats ur experience
BUT you only have one side of the marriage - that it was miserable - your DP is hardly likely to say he was happy but fanCied bit on side

IM sure my ex paints that picture of our marriage
I was the one who made him leave but I bet he told his mistress that HE chose to leave

and whatever you say, you cant believe that the DS would rather daddy lived with someone else

for me, sadly, if our marriage was so bad, how come our children hardly notice hes gone?
he was not connected to his children - spent Sat and Sun lying in bed while I got up & "kept the children quiet"
I was the diligent housewife while working part time

Im sure your situation is different but am sick of people sayinf you cant help affairs - you can - you find out someone is married and say "come back when you're free to be mine"

not idealistic - that is reality for some of us

Caligula · 23/05/2006 21:54

Personally if I came across a man who was unappy in his marriage, I'd tell him to go to Relate and sort it out. Only if he had entered into that fully, and the counselling process had made it clear that a split was the best way forward, would I get involved with him. You can never know if someone would have left anyway, if they haven't tried all the other available options.

I don't believe you can't say you would never do something unless you're in that position. There are some basics that you know about yourself. At least, I hope there are.

HappyMumof2 · 23/05/2006 21:54

yes, agree totally. He's a total arse. But she has played a big, big part in the breakdown of all contact. She has put enormous pressure on him and being thoroughly nasty tbh. Bit of a sore point with me

mistressmiggins · 23/05/2006 21:55

and I agree Rhurbarb BUT Lovemykids hasnt returned so we are arguing the toss in the meantime.....

reflection · 23/05/2006 21:57

Cinnamongreyhound. Thank you for your post it is honest and helpful for all to try and understand.

Would the whole situation have been easier on his son, wife and you if he had had the strength of character to deal with his relationship breakdown in an honest and open way. Dealing with his marriage first. Making way for a healthy new relationship that doesn't create excessive anger and hurt.

I know its in hindsight and I'm not implying that your relationship is not healthy but in a discussion about affairs this how I see it! People should respect each other enough to leave with dignity for both intact.....but the world is not perfect. I know

cinnamongreyhound · 23/05/2006 21:58

In this case he did go to relate after his wife left him for four months for someone else. They stopped going because she did not like what she heard. She continued to see the guy and my partner was totally control by her and still after leaving over a year ago finds her very stressful to deal with and say no to. I agree that it is sad that you are not strong enough to leave another relationship before having another to go to but it happens in lots of cases.

flutterbee · 23/05/2006 22:00

I can understand what you are saying happy she has to take 50% responsibility for the split up but it is your ex and you ex alone who takes responsibility for seeing his child/children, he should make seeing his dd a priority no matter what anyone says and if he can't do that then he is a total f**k wit and I suspect that even if there was no one else involved he still wouldn't be seeing her.

HappyMumof2 · 23/05/2006 22:02

you are probably right flutterbee.......

reflection · 23/05/2006 22:02

What ever is said this evening. I only ever want to be a source of support for those that come here and on that note I hope that your ok Lovemykids what ever your situation. Good luck

cinnamongreyhound · 23/05/2006 22:04

I totally agree hence the reason I walked away but I already had strong feelings and as was said was not strong enough to walk away at the end. It was not something he felt he could do he needed the support of someone to help him to leave. THis is not ideal I agree but that's how it was. We do have a healthy relationship that has had many difficult things to cope with including his wife hating me (for obvious reasons). I do feel if he'd left first it would have been easier for me and his ex-wife to get on which obviously we don't know and may never becasue of how are relationship started.

flutterbee · 23/05/2006 22:05

I would be interested to find out what you all think about my Mum who told my Dad to leave after revealing to him that she had been having an affair with the 28yr old babysitter, there were 4 children involved aging from 4 to 12 she remarried very quickly and fell pg straight away and then moved us all 250miles away from my Dad seeing him once maybe twice a year if we were lucky.

Come on I want honest opinions.

cinnamongreyhound · 23/05/2006 22:09

I personally think it is irresponsible to move your children that far away from one of their parents. Despite my situation I have to say that an affair is not a good way to leave a relationship. If the new relationship is working well why not have a baby and the age of the person is completely irrelevant in my opinion.

reflection · 23/05/2006 22:09

Well flutterbee I for one am too tired to be putting the world to rights any longer. I will be interested to see what that one starts!!

Catch up tomorrow.

flutterbee · 23/05/2006 22:17

Come on people I really would like an outside opinion on this, I obviously know how it all effected us and how things went on but I would like to compare our reality with the overall opinion. A little experiment if you will.

NomDePlume · 23/05/2006 22:23

flutterbee, it would depend entirely on what sort of man/father your Dad was. If he was a good dad and a decent man then I'd say it was pretty rubbish of your mum to upsticks and take the kids 250 miles from him. If he was a disinterested turd, then I'd say that it wouldn't have made much difference whether you were 25 miles away or 250.

flutterbee · 23/05/2006 22:26

My Dad was and still is a decent hardworking guy.

Caligula · 23/05/2006 22:26

FB my honest opinion is that it sounds like a bloody awful thing to do, to your children and your ex. Unless there were extenuating circumstances of course. That's the problem with human relationships, they're always so much more complex and difficult than they look on paper.

I know someone who split up with her husband two years ago. She just walked out on him, no warning, no reason, left with the kids (not for another man). He was heartbroken. Begged her to come back for months. Couldn't live without her. Couldn't understand why she'd broken up their happy home and family. Etc. etc. Everyone thought she was mad at first, then just a total selfish bitch. She's lost all her friends because of her utter selfishness and her inability to explain her actions.

What they don't know, is that before they were married, when she was 24, she was pregnant (with his child) and he made it very clear that if she didn't have an abortion, she'd be on her own. So she had an abortion. And thought she'd got over it. But as the years went by and she watched their other two children grow up, she became angrier and angrier and more disgusted and horrified by what they'd done to their first child. And it got to a point where she couldn't bear to be in the same room as him. She went to counselling, to try and "get over it" but what came out of it, was that she needed to get away from him and stop living out the lie of a happy family when there was this deep grief between them that he denied.

So I guess what I'm saying is that nothing is ever totally black and white. There's nowt so queer as folk, and you never know what has happened between couples. But on paper, yes, I'd say your mother did something that looks bloody awful. We all make snap judgements about things we know nothing about.

rickman · 23/05/2006 22:33

If I'm honest, I don't think it would appease me much if a partner remained faithful and then left me with the intention of hooking up with someone else straight away. I think I'd be just as insulted. But I am a stroppy bitch. :o

FB - not really sure what I feel about your situation. At the moment, I would like nothing more than to up sticks and move to the other end of the country to get away from exp. I would be happy if I never had to see him again, it would seem that the kids love him though and I'm not sure that I could do that to them. If a new man came into the equation it might change things, I guess I would have to decide whether I had a right to be happy no matter what it did to my kids.

flutterbee · 23/05/2006 22:37

OK I'm off to bed now but keep them coming please.

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