Can you really live with that fact?

[lovemykids]

Can a woman take on another persons children and treat them as her own etc, knowing that they split their mum and dad up? Can they actually live with that guilt and look those children in the eye?

And would they want the man to favour her own
children more than the ex wifes (secretly if not obviously)?

:(

There's also the question of how far someone has a right to "move on". We're all for moving on, but then that conflicts with a child's right to have contact with a parent (except that we don't really believe in a child's right to have contact with a parent, because we only enforce that right when the parent actively wants it... but that's another issue). Also, if someone were offered a better job 200 miles away which would mean a better quality of life for the children, better schools, more opportunities, etc... they're all dilemmas and there just can't be any hard and fast rules, imo.

so what about the other way round?

my ex left us in November and has moved over 130 miles away - good 2 1/2 hrs according to Autoroute

HE chose to have the affair
HE chose to leave
HE chose to move so far away

this means that the children have a long journey in the car to see their dad
it means in the future, they will have to choose between Saturday school activities and seeing their dad
it means that if one of them was seriously ill while away, it would take me ages to get to them

If I had moved this far away with the children, he would be up in arms about his rights, yet we dont/didnt have a say in him moving so far and affecting our weekends.

Totally agree with you but (at the risk of being unpopular again!) this is the situation you are all in and no matter who put you there you need to do what's best for the kids. Does your ex have an active role, how often has he seen your children since November?

I cant help but be a little bit concerned that "Lovemykids" the original poster of this thread has not returned to the thread, I do hope she is okay.

I agree, do you ever get people who post something to be provactive and then sit back and watch? Seemed a very strange post to me?

Cinnamon, MM's xh has been a total @rse and MM has been a total star over the past few months, and has been having a really tough time. As far as I understand it only he doesn't make a big effort to see his children, and my impression of MM is that she is a lovely lady who would always put her children first.

Fair enough. You just don't know every situation's different sounds awful for her and kids

Cinnamon, everybodys situation is different on MN that is something that I have learnt. I have also learnt that it is very difficult to describe a situation on a forum, it always appears much different in text to how it is in reality. I think it is easy to see the grey areas instead of the black and white and it is also easy to advise judging by a situation we are currently in.

I do agree with Surfermum though there are some people's situations that are well known on here and MM's is one of them. She really has been through the mill and my heart goes out to her. She has had a lot thrown at her and still comes on MN and gives, in my opinion, very good honest advice despite how she is feeling.

Have just been to lone parents and read a bit it sounds like she's having a tough time. Definitely difficult to put your experiences in print. Sorry have only been reading and posting for a week so hadn't seen any of previous details. I have to admit I was feeling really crap and looking for something to help, felt very supported and nice to know other people are in a similar boat and coping really well hope to provide that support for others too.

Been ill so haven't been able to get on internet.

To cut long story short - xh's ex-girlfriend has been part of my marriage for most of it (unknown to me!). When he left me (totally out of the blue) it all came out, but BOTH denied anything other than friendship (I was not convinced but could prove nothing!). She had baby and partner too (one of the reasons they used for it only being a "friendship"). Very kindly!!!! she waited for him to leave me first and get divorced before she left her partner and appeared on the scene officially!

Forgive me if I'm wrong but this woman had EVERY intention of convincing my xh that the grass is greener on the other side the moment she "looked him up again" - and knowing full well he was married! Why didn't she leave well alone! And now it sickens me that she will take my children in and play happy families!

And yes, my xh is a complete WEAK pr'ck and succombed to temptation. Post Natally depressed wife with very bad collicky children versus loving caring sympathetic temptrous - didn't stand a chance did I!! I suppose our marriage was a complete sham - lived most of it with a liar and it can't work with only one taking part! Fact is the going got too tough and he opted out for what he believes is the better choice! Hope they'll be very happy together - no that's a lie hope he falls flat on his face and realises that he should really be a loving supportive husband and proper full-time father to his children! I just don't know how EITHER of them can look my children in the eye!

Hi LoveMyKids
we wondered where you'd gone

answer to OP is probably yes she can - I think some women (and men) dont have such scruples so dont feel guilty

just wanted to say LoveMyKids - they WONT be playing happy families

I think that constantly, BUT the reality of kids (especially young ones) is they whinge & cry & get bored so although we THINK its the happy family, it probably wont be

but it is crap

Im alone this weekend - my children are at their daddy's house and Im here alone - am poorly cos Im so tired looking after the kids 24/7.

H's GF is awayu this weekend so I agreed kids could go to the new house to break them in gently
H's parents are sad not to see the children but I have arranged for them to come & stay when I get back off holiday in July.
(My ILs are brilliant.)

lovemykids, sorry you are so rightly angry

people fall in love with other people ... it changes their perspective on the past and the present

perhaps your ex's girlfriend DOES feel guilty, perhaps she finds it hard to live with herself sometimes

his marriage was sad enough for him to fall in love with someone else and want to leave it - that isn't her fault

live's full of blurry lines and complications

I dont buy that
"marriage was sad enough to fall in love with someone else"

that may be true for some people (sweeping statement - especially women) BUT lots of people take the easy way out

1st yr of a child's life is the hardest year for any marriage.

I have enough guilt put on me by ex without believing it was my fault.

my dh exwife conducted an affair when a friend of theirs who was lodging with them. Once dh found out he left to ensure his son had a roof over his head (SS was2/3 at the time) continued to pay rent for ex wife and bf for 9 months. wife moved child all round country took wife to court to get custody as child was being neglected. finally awarded custody after 10 court appearence, 9 in england and 1 in scotland none of which bm appeared to but court alway prosponed judgement to allow bm the chance to appear. has always intimated to ss that dh was at fault and her affairs were not to blame. I was not involved util 7 years post divorce.

since she left dh she has had numerous partners that she ahs met whilst with the last. lepord and spots i thnks.

Thanks MM - I'm with you on this one.

My marriage was NOT sad enough for him to fall in love with someone else and leave me!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sure the other woman will have been told how awful his marriage to me was though - they all do that don't they to justify why they left! Well, to be honest I hope it all turns around on her and he ends up cheating on her and walking out when she thinks everything is fine! Lets see how heartbroken she is!

I actually managed to keep hold of him for a number of years while she was playing third party and biding her time! - I think the truth of the matter was that he took the easy option out because he couldn't handle the pressures of having young children!! and that he is a weak easily influenced man that opted for the nice caring loving woman instead of the knackered moaning wife who was going crazy because HE didn't lift a finger to help or give me an ounce of support or love like a normal loving husband should do. And yes - he will blame it all on me - they usually do don't they when they walk away - does any male accept the blame when they walk away from their family?!!!

Does no one else think that lovemykids is better off without this guy? It sounds like you basically had to cope on your own while he was there but you now have one less person to look after. If your children hardly notice that he's gone that must be a positive thing that they are not too affected by it and that you are obviously a great mum. He is their dad and hopefully he can be a positive role model in their lives and realise how much he has missed out on so far. If this woman is going to part of thier lives too you can only hope that she is kind to them and makes it easy for them to visit their dad, whatever you think of her. You will always be their mum no matter what and they will never forget that. Concentrate on your kids and getting yourself sorted and let them deal with guilt if they have any and what may or may not happen in their relationship.

cinnamongreyhound - you're missing the point AND the original question

lovemykids was asking a genuine question because we cant understand/comprehend how another woman CAN look the children in the eye without feeling guilty

EVERYONE has a choice - you can take the risk that the married person wont leave but at least you didnt HELP split up a family.

you may think we are better off without the men who didnt help much BUT we had young kids who were demanding at the time, and because they have had affairs & lEft, we will never have a chance to grow as a family.....

THATS what we;'re annouyed about and quite justly

to me, if someone was that unhappy in their marriage, they would leave with noone to go to