Others who always have baby in room with them -advice for visiting friend

[AliceWChild]

As per the guidance, we are always in the room with sleeping baby. For various reasons I need to do this. So in the evening he sleeps cuddled on me till we all go to bed.

I'm trying to work out what to do if we are visiting friends. I know they have a different approach and will suggest putting him in another room with monitors. How do other people deal with this? It doesn't feel right to get into a whole SIDS guidelines discussion. But how to explain it without?

I feel like that is a right old ramble but I'm confused and I know from another thread there are others like me out there. Which was a relief to find.

How old is your baby? I would consider it a whole non discussion if your baby was 6m or under. If your baby was a bit older, then I might find it a bit odd (personally speaking) that you did not want to put your baby down for the eve and enjoy some adult time,, but that is just me.

Are you visiting friends? What does it matter what YOU do with YOUR baby?

4 months. At 6 I'll start leaving him alone. Glad you'd think it would be a non issue, that's helpful. It's hard to get a feel for what people is odd. I'm usually very confident, this is a bit of a blind spot for me.

And yes me visiting friends in their house.

At 4 months I think that's totally normal.

When we visit PILs, they have always carefully set up the spare room for DD as they think she should be sleeping in her own room by now.

So I just say breezily 'I'll just move this cot into our room' / 'I'll just pop the Moses basket down in the corner of the sitting room' etc. all v breezy and just get on and do it so there's no room for discussion.

I think if you're careful not to use language that suggests an implicit criticism of their way of doing things, it'll be fine. So 'dd stays with us in the evenings' rather than 'we believe that babies shouldn't be left on their own before 6months'.
It's also much much harder to disagree with the first comment than the second as its stating fact not opinion.

And if in doubt 'oh this works fine for us as a family thanks' will close down most discussions about parenting.

But always breezy. It's impossible to argue with breezy!

Thanks. Really helpful.

My DS is 10 weeks and I, like you, snuggle him until we all go to bed (his cot is next to our bed).

Personally, I'd just say 'this is how we do it and it works for us'.

I'm sure your friends won't question your style if you are firm and polite.

I visited parents recently and did the 'no discussion' approach of saying I would just clear a wee space in the corner of the room for the Moses basket. We were staying over - are you staying?

I wouldn't think twice about it. If baby sleeps nicely in your arms that gives just as quality adult time as if you are running up and down the stairs

Your hosts shouldn't even question how you sleep with your baby! Let them know in advance what your sleeping arrangements are to save them the bother of setting up a nursery.

You could always take the cot mattress from the nursery and make a 'nest' on the floor in your room if you don't want to bed share.

The general advice is that parents and babies co-sleep (which is different from 'bedsharing') at least for the first 6 months but why are you "thinking of leaving him alone" after that?

We're not staying, it's just for the evening. He will sleep nicely once he's wailed for a bit. But I'm getting good at reading the wailing stage better. But we will have the staying coming up elsewhere so thanks for the tips.

I worded the leaving alone bit really badly. I mean I'll leave him sleeping alone for small stretches of time, eventually building up to anything else. The thought terrifies me but I can't keep hold of him forever it'll be a slow process. It's useful you picked up on it though, as it made me realise I'm being overly self critical.

My babies all slept on my lap in the evening until nearly a year (and longer with the last one). I didn't go out a lot in the first year, but when I did, they baby just stayed on my lap - and I didn't move around a lot! No-one questioned it. I expect some people privately had critical thoughts about it, but they didn't voice them, so it didn't bother me.

Even after my babies began sleeping in a cot at home in the evenings, it took quite a bit longer before they'd sleep in a cot in strange places. I didn't even bother trying after a while - too much running up and down stairs, when they'd sleep on my lap perfectly well without any disruption.

Just do what's best for you and your baby, and other people will put up with it.

I echo the other suggestions here - shouldn't be an issue with friends (parents or in laws can be another matter!). However: can you point me in the direction of the advice you & others are quoting? With DD (now 2.6) and DS (just under 6 months) we have always had them in the same room as us for nighttime until at around 6-7 months (haven't moved DS into another room yet) and have had them snoozing on / near us for most or almost all daytime naps, but not in a rigorous way. I haven't seen official guidelines that say that all sleeps should be in the company of parent(s) though I've heard that view stated by others on MN. Would be interested to see evidence / links as it's def a difference of opinion with my mum, who thinks that DS should bloomin' well sleep somewhere other than on her, so she can get on with other things while looking after him!

Thanks all. I feel less odd now. I seem to inhabit this world of people being very keen to put babies in their own rooms quickly. And put them to nap upstairs in cots always.

Re the evidence I'll see what I can find. My recollection of the SIDS guidance is they should always sleep in a room with other people. So doesn't have to be parents, could even be siblings, for first 6 months. I'm not sure I still have my leaflet as had a clear out just recently.

I think it's just a matter of someone being there to realise if something isn't right, or to make sure that the baby doesn't choke or pull blankets up over its face or something, and to be able to react quickly when the baby wakes up. I imagine baby feels safer if someone familiar is in the room but it's not just the being in the same room that prevents SIDS, if you see what I mean?

I don't see anything wrong with wanting to be close to your baby, in fact it seems perfectly normal, especially when they're very small. Even if not for the SIDS guidelines, it would still be a pain in the arse to keep getting up and going upstairs or whatever if your baby was waking up a lot.

I believe there's research that suggests that being in a room with others breathing can help prevent SIDS. They think to do with the act of others breathing triggering the baby to keep breathing. That's what I'm going on

I think as well if you are staying over you can always say you want them to sleep with you so they don't disturb anyone else. People are usually happy with this!

Your baby, your rules.

I did exactly the same with all 3 of mine. It was easier for me & just felt natural. I'd either cuddle them or let them nap in bouncer of an evening & then take them up with me when I went to bed.

It's not odd. Mine all settled better with me than without me so I'd have had a better evening cuddling them while they sleep than trying & failing to get them to nap in another room.

I know you don't want to discuss SIDS advice but just so people are aware - this area of the guidelines is based on particularly shaky (hardly any) evidence, so should be taken with a pinch of salt.

Each to their own though - if it doesn't bother you having baby on you all the time (& if your baby sleeps ok) there shouldn't be an issue. (Although probably the older generation - mums/PILS may treat you as if your barking!!)

Comixminx on the nhs choices website SIDS page there's a link to more about reducing the risk. That takes you to the general nhs baby sleeping page and it says on there that the baby should sleep in the same room as you night and day. Hope that's useful. Can't link as on phone, funnily enough with a should be sleeping baby on me.

I didn't know those were the guidelines. My boy is,9 Weeks and since he was about a month I have left him to sleep alone when he naps in the day and,until we go to bed at night. He is in the,same room as,us and,I thought this is,what the guidelines,meant, they shouldn't be in their own room at night. Not from say 7 until 10 when we go to bed.

I have a movement sensor monitor and,check him regularly.

I'm no expert cleo. Tbh I'm a new mum with a huge dose of SIDS paranoia for various reasons. My understanding of the guidance is that yes they should be with you for those naps, but in real life I don't think I know anyone else that doesn't put them on their own in day/early eve. I can only have peace of mind if I stick to the guidelines, but that's me.

My DD is in the same room as us all the time (pretty much if you count us sitting in the adjoining kitchen - I can see the basket - while we have dinner).

I l

My DD is in the same room as us all the time (pretty much if you count us sitting in the adjoining kitchen - I can see the basket - while we have dinner).

I did a lot of reading and the guidance does explain that it is not fully understood what causes SIDS but having baby in the same room does appear to make it less likely. Not as much as not smoking etc but less likely. Initially I was very open to having DD in her own room should she be too noisy or be disturbed by us. As it happens now I find it very odd not being with her. Once or twice I have popped her in her own room for a nap while I sit next door listening frantically.

I am slowly starting not to care about the opinions of others.

I did once leave him sleeping and have a shower. Quickest shower of my life!