Did you let your child choose their school?

[AhBiscuits]

DD is heading into Y6 so we'll be choosing her secondary shortly. We agree on 3 schools for the list but disagree with the order.

School 1 is a brilliant school and top choice for both DD and us. No guarantee we'll get a place. If you are within the catchment area, which we are, it's just names in a hat, pure luck. Every year there are lots of disappointed families.

School 2 is also a very good school. It's our safe choice for the list because she'd definitely get in to this one. Some of DD's friends will go here, it's a short walk from home.

School 3 is an all girls school. Similar to School 1, admission is a lottery so we just don't know if she'd get in.

DD wants to put School 3 as second choice. My main issue with that is I really want both my kids to go to the same school. It would be a lot more convenient and they could look out for eachother a bit. DS is two years below and obviously cannot go to School 3. I don't know if I should overrule her or not. She's quite taken with the idea of a girls school. A couple of neighbour kids she's friends with are going there in September.

If ypu are happy with all three, i'd let her pick the order.

There are advantages to having childten at different schools as well as disadvantages.

I moved my child to a private school in Y7, he hated the fact he wasnt with his primary school friends at the local mainstream. Eventually we agreed to move it to the local mainstream at the start of Y10 and this has been a real success!

Honestly, it sounds like she's making better choices than you are, and is focused on what's best for her. The idea that she might benefit from possibly having her younger brother in school with her in a few years is far-fetched.

You are the parent. You make the decision about what school she goes to.

Given it’s a great school and the benefits of the other school are to you and her brother rather than her, then yes I’d let her choose. If I believed it wasn’t the right choice for her then as an adult I’d over rule the choice.

DD1 chose which order to put the schools in. There were 3 potential options, I preferred the one put down as the second choice but DD preferred a different one and the fact her best friend goes there. She’s loved her first year so she made a good choice.

All three schools were good schools. If one of the options she’d wanted had been the local dud school, it wouldn’t have been allowed to be considered.

It's not such a big deal to have kids at different secondaries as it is primaries.
They should be able to get themselves there in most areas of the country. There's also no as much going into school for parents as there is at primary. So the inconvenience might not be as much as you expect it to be.

My kids went to different schools to each other at primary from KS2 and secondary and it's worked out great, especially for the youngest who was compared to the eldest a lot by teachers.

Pluses and minuses to both of course as you might want / need your youngest to get in on sibling rule if most of your local schools are lottery system

No, we didn’t. There was only one appropriate school (language wise) so that’s the only one that went on the application form, and the one that they both went to.

No, this is a decision for the parents to make.

Ultimately this is a parent decision because dc are only 11 years old. However listening to what the child thinks has to be part of the process.

No. We are only in the catchment area of one secondary school, so only put that one down as a choice. No second or third choices.

It depends on the schools and the reasons. Allowing a child to choose the order between three good schools where you'd be happy for them to attend any of them is fine IMO but I wouldn't allow my DC to choose a failing school because her friends will be going there. I'd also allow DC to choose on the basis of a particular interest - e.g. the school has a strong focus on sport, arts etc. as long as the educational provisional was also good enough.

In your circumstances, I would allow your DD to choose.

If all three are good enough to make the list then I’d let her chose the order.

On your case, I think I’d let her choose as all three are good and suitable. Some siblings to look out for others but most don’t when they’re with friends and at school. Would she do that? Want to do that? Would the younger sibling want to be “looked out for”? Even if they are close at home, they might not want to do this.

How far is school 3? If it’s a drive away / too far to walk or cycle or there’s no bus (a much bigger expense or inconvenience to get there), then that would be influential. I’d overrule and it would be choice 3. If all schools are similar distances, then I’d let her choose. I’m not convinced that having a sibling there is a good reason.

In terms of convenience / inconvenience for you, I have been to the secondary school but not many times! We went for a look around prior to applying. Since starting school over in the last three years, I’ve been a few times to pick up during the day when ill (and as that’s one child only as you wouldn’t be picking up both - unlikely both ill at the same time) so that wouldn’t matter if they were at different schools. I’ve been once searching for lost property (as didn’t trust them to check labels on laid out jumpers etc). I’ve been to school about four times, dropping them off or picking them up with suitcase as school trip and/or school trip when they arrived back at school late. Parents evenings have all been online. Problems or queries are all dealt with over the phone or by email. There are no plays, activities, sports days etc so never attended school for anything like that. So you’re not at school often. A couple of times a year plus picking then up if they are ill. Of course, the three schools you mention might do face to face parents evening, events, plays, activities etc.

You are the parent, she’s 11. You need to make the call op

It's good that you agree on a first choice of school. However, as this isn't guaranteed and the one you want to put as second is, I would put that as second choice. Especially as your DDs preferred second choice isn't guaranteed either.
Having not got my DD into any of our chosen schools, the appeal process is horrible and no guarantee of success. We've eventually found a suitable school for DD (but only by having to go into the private system).

It's not fair to base your daughter's choices on your son.

It's really not an issue having them at different secondary schools.

I think you’re extremely lucky to have the choice of three very good schools!

In those circumstances (and assuming all are easily manageable in terms of travel) I think you should let your daughter choose.

I’d go with her choice, you don’t want to be fighting her every day. Plus like others say kids at different secondaries not a big deal assuming they can get themselves there and back each day.

My parents didn’t let me choose (well, heaviky pressured me to go with their choice), i hated it and never really forgave them. My teen years were miserable

I'd normally say the parents, however your reasons seem to be around what suits you best rather than what is best for DD.

My main issue with that is I really want both my kids to go to the same school. It would be a lot more convenient and they could look out for each other a bit.

Would you have to drive to school 3? If not, then it really isn't more convenient having them in the same school.

And expecting them to look out for each other? Unless it's a tiny school they might not even see each other when they are there, and it's not their responsibility to "look out" for their siblings. I wonder if DD is keen on the girls' school particularly because her brother can't go there? Just a thought ...

Of course, the three schools you mention might do face to face parents evening, events, plays, activities etc.
But even if they do, very these are likely to be on different evenings with 2 children who are 2 school years apart. I've had 2 children likewise 2 years apart now finish secondary school and they actually did have a few school based events. It was convenient to have them in the same school ... literally never.

I would base the order on what I thought were the best schools that were most suited to my child, not on what would be better for my other child. My DCs go to different secondary schools and it’s really not an issue.

I’d let her decide in this situation. She’s more likely to get in to school 3 if she puts it as choice 2 and if school 2 is a safe choice she may as well put that as third place.
In reality your DC won’t “look out for eachother” at school, they will probably hardly see eachother.

School 3 is the furthest away but she'd be able to get herself there. It's 1.3 miles and there's a safe route to walk or there's a bus.

I think it would be useful having the same inset days for example. Their term dates aren't always exactly the same because school 1 is an academy.

This is very minor. Just let her put school 3 second, do what’s best for her and not best for you.