Did you let your child choose their school?

[AhBiscuits]

DD is heading into Y6 so we'll be choosing her secondary shortly. We agree on 3 schools for the list but disagree with the order.

School 1 is a brilliant school and top choice for both DD and us. No guarantee we'll get a place. If you are within the catchment area, which we are, it's just names in a hat, pure luck. Every year there are lots of disappointed families.

School 2 is also a very good school. It's our safe choice for the list because she'd definitely get in to this one. Some of DD's friends will go here, it's a short walk from home.

School 3 is an all girls school. Similar to School 1, admission is a lottery so we just don't know if she'd get in.

DD wants to put School 3 as second choice. My main issue with that is I really want both my kids to go to the same school. It would be a lot more convenient and they could look out for eachother a bit. DS is two years below and obviously cannot go to School 3. I don't know if I should overrule her or not. She's quite taken with the idea of a girls school. A couple of neighbour kids she's friends with are going there in September.

Mine are in the same school snd their Inset days have only matched one year in their 3 year overlap at the school.

We chose for DDs.

However I don't think your reasons are good enough, they are about your convenience and younger sibling, not her. She sounds like she will be sensible enough to have inset days at home.
You are going to have to cope with different schools and inset days for the next 2 years anyway.

Once they are at senior school there aren't as many advantages of having siblings at the same school. This is probably school dependent but often different year groups have little to do with each other.

I definitely benefited from going to a single sex school over having my younger brother there.

If the best reason you can think of is "the same inset days and holidays", then go with DD's preference for the 2nd choice.

Schools have at most 5 inset days. They may have as few as 3 years in common in the same school (if DD goes onto a different sixth form/college at 16). School holidays (unless one of the school follows the equal term based approach and the other doesn't) are going to at least have a good deal of overlap. And most of them will be the same anyway.

You are also thinking of this from the lense of having an 8 and 10 year old and both needing to find childcare and having "nice days out" . Now think of it from the lense of having a 15 and 13 year old. They don't need childcare and they would probably prefer to spend the chunk of their holidays hanging out with friends.

As you probably don't have a 1.3 mile walk to primary I would walk the route with her asap noting the time you leave and the time you get there. Just so she is aware of what she is committing to. Even if she gets the bus she will be waiting at the bus stop in all weathers.

I was committed to driving my younger child to school 3 miles away in the opposite direction so my eldest had to walk to and from secondary school in all weather conditions. It was also 1.3 mile away, Google maps said 25 minutes to walk it and they were quicker walking back as that was downhill, walking to school was uphill all the way.

I am not saying this to put her off but to give her the reality of what she is committing herself to. In contrast her brother could be walking for a few minutes. Personally I don't think children aged 11 have the capacity to make these kinds of decisions and adults should be the ones making it but that is usually because they just want to be with their friends. I do know of a family who told their child they put the schools in the order the child wanted but actually just put them in the order they wanted.

I would only overrule if one of the schools was unsuitable, and that doesn't seem to be the case - if she's making sensible choices I would go with that unless I had a very strong reason not to. I'd say term dates and where a sibling might go aren't that much of an issue. Even if they went to the same school they might leave at different times due to clubs, or revision sessions once she gets to year 10 etc, so if she can make her way independently then that's fine.

No, we had 3 preferred options and disagreed on the order, I chose the order (the school I wanted was closest, and best performing). Just as well I did because if we’d picked his he would have got none of them as it turned out the other 2 schools’ catchment didn’t reach house that year and we’d have been offered the special measures school.

It's only for a few years they overlap. If there's 3 acceptable options then I'd let her choose.

DD chose her school. We were happy with the choice and all agreed. I think we would have steered her a bit if she wanted to go somewhere we totally disagreed with.

Not wanting to derail, but don't want a misunderstanding to go unchallenged.
Assuming England if you had put the same 3 schools but your preferred one last then in your case he would still have got it. Schools offer on equal preference and only if you qualify for 2 schools do they take your preference into account. So you can't have a situation where you get the school if you put it first but don't get any of your choices if you put it last.

1.3 miles is really not a huge distance for a secondary school child to walk (or cycle). And why would you assume the primary school is closer? 1.3 miles is exactly the distance that my DC travelled to junior school. And yes, in all weathers - children do not melt in the rain.

Thank you, the thing about the school we got is that it is massively overly subscribed without a traditional catchment. It gets 1000 applications to 180 places. 90ish are taken up by priority categories (siblings etc) leaving only 90 spots left which are allocated at random by the school (not local authority) the location they draw from is 2 towns and surrounding villages so essentially it’s statistically very difficult to be offered a slot, we were always told if you wanted this school it needs to be slot 1 (I have no idea if that was just local rumour!) not sure if any of that changes anything. Not that it matters it was years ago now, I was just bloody relieved after hearing we wouldn’t have got the other 2 if we hadn’t got this one!!!

It the parents’ right to make the decision, but their responsibility to make it in the best interest of the child, rather than their own (within reason). In this case your DD should be allowed to rank the three schools as she sees best, considering you’re happy with all of them academically and pastorally.

I asked my child for his opinion, but fortunately it was the same as mine, so it wasn't an issue.
I think in your shoes, I'd let her choose. I really don't think older siblings look out for younger at secondary school (I barely saw mine, even at a tiny school). And separate inset days are quite nice for teenagers. You can take her off to get a haircut or whatever, or she can enjoy having free reign of the XBox if you're working. My kids will both be going to different secondaries.
If her opinions were something like "I like the uniform" or "They served us pizza on the open day" that would be different, but it sounds like she has sensible reasons for her choice. It also sounds like the girls' school is a better school than school 2.

We are some years off this (DS just going into primary!) But me and DP have both agreed it will be a joint decision between us and DS. Obviously I wont let him choose anything but I think its important he has a say.

He has to go there and he has to be happy.

I have 3 siblings and 3 of us were in secondary at the same time. Honestly? I barely spoke to them there!

Different years so we rarely bumped into each other and if we saw each other at lunch we might say hi but that's it really.

Primary 100% the same school because of pick ups etc but secondary i dont think it's as important

Thanks. It's useful to hear different opinions and experiences.

Purely on performance, the girl's school is the best of the three, it beats school 1 on results by a very small amount.

I think I'm a bit worried that bullying might be more of an issue at the girls school. This isn't based on any kind of facts, just a vague feeling of this being more likely at a girls school.

We're going to open days for all 3 in September so we'll see if they change our order of preference for any of us.

There are scant advantages to having secondary kids at the same school.
Once at secondary you don't need childcare for INSET days.
There is a bus / its close so no need to be doing a school run
They won't 'look out for each other' , it isn't necessary - and your Dd's single sex preference shouldn't be compromised because you want her to 'look out for' her brother - it's her education!
Parents eves etc will be on different nights for different years
You can't even use uniform hand me downs as they are girl and boy.

It isn't as if she wants to go to some totally unsuitable / failing school - so let her choose. Best start to good learning is wanting to be there.

Research shows that girls do better at single sex schools for secondary. There are advantages for example feeling like you can speak up and not be intimidated by boys.

Bullying can happen anywhere.

But go and see the schools. Personally I have 2 dds one at a mixed and one at single sex and both have different advantages and disadvantages.

All girls schools can work really well for many girls - I don't think you should let your vague feelings about them cloud the issue.

They’re only going to overlap for 3 years out of 7 tho right? I get the desire but the actual benefits are very limited. Eg inset days presumably less than 5 per year (surely more like 10 days over 7 years) so it’s genuinely not a factor for day to day living.

We had similar and the compromise is we would allow DD the girls option for the non overlapping years then we’d have an open conversation about both kids starting the mixed school at the same time. in the end it was a moot point for other reasons and she went to the mixed school happily. But she wanted and needed some autonomy about making the decision and not feeling second string to her brother.

If you’re happy with all 3 let her choose the order.

You say you want your kids at the same school to look out for each but the truth is DD won’t have that and it’s your DS you are doing it for.

And DD shouldn’t have to choose a school based non her brother getting in when she’ll leave before he finishes anyway.

For what it's worth, I have never forgiven my mum for not letting me go to the school of my choice when I was 13. My friends all went to the school that was probably not considered the best within the local area, but, because they were all together and a great support for each other, they all ended up going to university and doing well for themselves. I had to go to a local school just because it was closer - I failed miserably. I was bullied and given absolutely no encouragement at all.
The worse thing was that my mum ended up moving house 3 months after I started that school anyway. It would have made no difference to her which school I went to - at that point, she didn't need to have much to do with the school anyway - certainly didn't need to take me there or help in classes etc.
Personally, I think you've got three good choices there, no matter which way you look at it your daughter should do well in any of them - give her this bit of freedom to make her own choice.

We didn't have as many choices as you. I selected which school all my dc went to. I definitely picked the right schools for all of them.

So far only 2 dc have gone to rhe same school but my older dc has already left