despite the public's perception of us I have never worked so hard
Yes, I saw that survey last year. 77 percent of the British public do not believe GPs work hard enough. Sigh, people are so credulous. They can't get an appointment so they prefer to assume it's because the doctors are putting their feet up. Because it's so much more satisfying to be able to focus your grievance on an actual person than on the shortcomings of a system.
The same kind of propaganda is pumped out about teachers. Y'know: "they only work 9 til 3 and they get all summer off." I know loads of teachers; my wife was a teacher & downskilled to a TA because of the stress. Teaching is one of the toughest jobs there is. Management - who've all been teachers themselves & should know better - regularly schedule workloads that simply cannot be achieved in a day. Squeezing a quart into a pint pot is absolutely standard in most schools these days & has been for years. Yet these beliefs persist.
Please don't listen. Sensible people know perfectly well what pressure the average GP is under. Sounds to me like you burned out, no "think" about it. And I'm sure you know all about that! I burned out too, but from neglect, not overwork. I think the end result is pretty much the same, though. You can't just hit the ground of retirement running & start doing something else. I've been giving myself a hard time for being unable to do that, but it's madness.
You need to unwind & you probably need help to let go, as in talking therapy. I would be in pieces without counselling; I was in denial about so much. Everything was someone else's fault, so why the hell should I have to change MY behaviour? What about THEM?! I couldn't see that, by staying where I was, suffering stress from trying to effect change & getting nowhere, I WAS making a choice. Namely, to stay, and suffer some more. It's Therapy 101: you can't change anyone else, only yourself. But damn, did that feel so unfair. I fought it, but my therapist gently let me see it wasn't a battle I could "win".
Maan, going from GP to what feels like zero must be hard. I mean, I thought my job was fairly consequential but I don't think it compares. And you've had plenty else going on. I think you need to get to a place where your mind can experience some quiet. My bet is, there's medical stuff whirling round in there still, at 100mph. Re your daughter's situation if not anything else; I'm so sorry for you both. You need silence, or the nearest possible equivalent.
I go out walking early in the morning, because I'm naturally an early bird & it's cool enough to get some miles in without overheating. The extra blood supply really seems to clear my mind. That's when I do all my important thinking, away from the clamour of everyone & everything else, and I only have the noise inside my own head left to deal with. I talk to myself, and when the conversations get interesting, I record them on my phone. Later, I get the transcripts (recording apps do them automatically now) & make them into "mental health notes". They need a bit of editing down, but that's part of the process: boiling down my thoughts to what's important.
No big answers yet, it's a work in progress. But I don't believe solutions - too strong a word, but hey - are going to come any other way. Bottom line is, you have to take as much pressure off yourself as you can, otherwise you'll never stand a chance of understanding true things about yourself, it'll all still be expectations driven by duty, guilt, shame even. Finding out what your old mojo was & what your new mojo might consist of. I'm learning that they are pretty different things. 👊🏻👊🏻👊🏻