Has anyone seen my mojo?

[Palavermalarkey]

Not sure whether I should post this in Mental Health or here tbh.
I'm 65, I've just retired from a job I was in for over 40 years, it wasn't always the exact same thing & for the first 20 years or so I really enjoyed it even though it was often very stressy. I wasn't ambitious, didn't get promoted much, didn't care. Certainly never wanted a job in management, I thought they were awful & anyway I liked my role (in tech) & my workmates too much.

I was one of those annoying people who tells others, including my DCs, "get a job doing something you love, then it doesn't feel like work." Yeah, great advice, except when they change your job without warning, all the enjoyment goes out of it & you're slogging along with everyone else, doing it for the money. Last six years since the pandemic have been really awful & I've been ready to go for ages; I got voluntary redundancy (much to my surprise; I had no respect for management & they knew it) so I should be happy. And I'm really trying to be, I know I'm bloody lucky. Healthwise, I'm not too bad - lots of minor stuff rumbling on but nothing serious.

Trouble is, I'm completely stuck. I've got various ideas as to what I might like to do now - mainly writing or podcasting ideas - but I'm procrastinating like crazy. Basically, I'm afraid I'll fail at anything I try to do. After all, who the hell cares what I've got to say? I was pretty good at my job imho but now I seem to have lost confidence completely. People suggest hobbies to me but the very word makes me cringe. Most of the suggestions I've had sound like a way to just numb yourself until you shuffle off; I miss doing work that felt consequential, even if the workplace had become crap.

I went for therapy after some pretty horrible work events & it helped me detach but now I just feel isolated. Turns out my work friends - mostly a little bit younger & still working - were just that: friends at work. Super difficult to get anyone to meet up, even for a coffee, everyone's too busy. Two of my closest work friends, ones I felt were proper lifelong friends, have emigrated, one of them very recently, so I'm a bit lonely tbh. Sigh, I know this is very much a first-world problem, but has anyone felt like this or come through this sort of thing? - and if so, stories please on how you got your mojo back.

@Palavermalarkey I'm very happy to share some of my most favourite podcasts although I do have a penchant for long form investigations! I also love hearing about people from celebrities to recluses; their jobs, stories, lives, challenges, successes, I find the human story is the most compelling of all isn't it?

Untold, The Daniel Morgan Murder (Peter Jukes)
The Assassination (Owen Bennett Jones)
13 Minutes To The Moon (Kevin Fong)
The Poet Laureate Has Gone To His Shed (Simon Armitage)
Mastertapes (John Wilson)
Bone Valley (Gilbert King)
The Life Scientific (Jim Al-Khalili)
The Ratline (Philippe Sands)
Putin & The Apartment Bombs - from The History Bureau (Helena Merriman)
Your Own Backyard (Chris Lambert)
The Inquiry (BBC)
This Cultural Life (John Wilson)
Full Disclosure (James O'Brien)
Strangers On A Bench (Tom Rosenthal)

Do you have any gems to share? I'm always looking for recommendations!

Payfrozen - thank you for the link to the thread about things to do in London. I live a short distance away from London, but rarely go there for a mooch about, even though art galleries, museums, historical places are where DH and I aim for when on holiday. Coincidentally, when I talked to him about that thread, he said he had recently been looking at similar sites on-line, so that we could start visiting new places.

Palavermalarkey - I’m happy that you understand my gaming habit 😊. I agree that it’s a type of distraction. There are all sorts of things in the mix here - young adult children still living at home (was a late starter at motherhood) and an elderly parent. Never quite getting rid of the guilt of not succeeding at making everyone happy. So I am trying to be kind to myself - but it has to stop. Once upon a time I would pick up a paintbrush to distract myself. I need to get back to that.

You have critical voices in your head too? I fear it’s quite common and I really don’t know what the answer is.

But onwards and upwards. You definitely should write, as you have the skills and a great sense of humour. There is a market here for people such as us, surely? Podcasts for the semi-reluctant retirees? How to avoid torpedoing a long and happy retirement? How to crochet your way out of boredom?

I’m a history graduate (45 years ago!) and I’ve asked for a subscription to History Today together with access to its electronic archive for my upcoming birthday. I thought I might start at William I and trawl my way through all the English/UK monarchs, teasing out all the interesting bits. I need to start somewhere.

whatwouldlouisaguydo · Thank you for your list of podcasts, which I’m going to print out and have a look at. I’ve never really listened to podcasts, although I’m a massive fan of audible. I can’t do housework without listening to a book nowadays 😁

@RetireorDie You're very welcome! I'm no podcast expert though - I just happen to have consumed an inordinate amount of them over the years. Like @Palavermalarkey I think they're a wonderful accompaniment to the otherwise banal tasks we all have to do, and for me they make those tasks something I look forward to. I have a mountain of ironing staring at me right now and I'm already planning which podcast will keep me sane whilst I motor on through it.
I think you said earlier that you like history and there are some wonderful history podcasts that I'm sure you'd love - it's a case of finding whose voice (literally and authorially) that you find engrossing.
I definitely think what you described in your post as being a 'passing phase' is just that. A huge transition that we face in quite a solitary way. I've thought about how well supported our children are by us parents and the institutions such as nursery, school, university that they attend, and yet as adults we are not part of a cohort of retirees so have no group support or camaraderie. We're just at work one day and the next... not!
So it's not surprising to find the transition is not a well trodden path, we all do it so differently.
I see the distractions you talk about with social media and games not as your brain trying to shut down but your brain trying to create a buffer between the professional life that has been yours up until this point, and the retired life you are envisioning over the horizon but is not within reach yet. A mind that is trying to work out how to get there but can't quite do it amongst the noise and overwhelm of professional responsibilities. So in that sense the distractions could be considered welcome and part of the process of transition!

@whatwouldlouisaguydo I'm riffling through your list! I like Full Disclosure, James O'Brien is far better behaved in the longer format than he is on his LBC phone-in. Basically, he lets people speak!

@RetireorDie Oh I know that guilt. "You're never happier than your unhappiest child" and all that. I used to believe that. Now I think, no: I must stay happier, otherwise I'm no bloody good to them. What's so virtuous about being brought low by your kids' problems?
"Hi dad, I'm feeling a bit shit."
"Oh, so am I, son. Mainly because you are."
Nope.

As for the critical voices, as far as I know they're universal. I don't know anyone who says they never experience them - but I suppose it could just be the company I keep. 😁
I don't have the answer either. Therapy/counselling has helped, but the whole problem with critical voices is, they impersonate you; they speak in your voice, so you think you're simply "having your own thoughts." So I've had to learn to identify when my fear is really these internalised bad opinions that came from others way back in childhood & at school. I was going to say "just", but it's no small matter. Procrastination is a fear reaction, and really it's your mind trying to protect you from something it perceives as potentially harmful. Thing is, perceptions can be wrong. So I have a constant dialogue with myself about what's really what. Sometimes the better question to ask is not "what if it all went wrong?" but "what if it all went right?" That has taught me that I am sometimes afraid of succeeding at something creative because I might then feel I ought to keep succeeding, and I have no idea if I have the stamina. What if my good ideas run out? I'll look even more stupid then. Safer not to even begin. But it's always safer never to begin. Another cup of tea and a biscuit is always the preferable option in the moment.

I can see a fun podcast where you do a bit of research on each monarch & give it to friends to read. Then gather on a Friday night with wine & snacks & microphones. Bit like a book club, but instead of a book, your potted history of King John, or whoever. And then get people's opinions, whether learned or unlearned. Let received opinions roll, but give them a bit of a shakedown. Bit like an updated version of Jane Austen's History of England. Plenty of partiality, prejudice and ignorance!

Thank you all for your kind words.

It sounds a bit as if you need to define you worth by things that are of service to others but also feel good to you. That's quite a clear guideline. I wonder about things like hospital or community radio - could your audio skills be useful in one of these?

As for craft - how about something like woodworking, which is incredibly satisfying from the start, yet really hard to master, and you get to make things that people want: chairs, tables, storage boxes, bowls, lampstands etc.

I am almost on year 3 of retirement and I still haven’t stopped smiling. I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts and they give great advice which I ignore and do my own thing.
Do a podcast! Broadcast into the ether, it doesn’t matter if nobody is listening. Do it for you and do it every week. Imagine someone who really wants to hear what you say or learn what you are teaching and speak it to them.
Likes & clicks aren’t everything.

I also struggle to do things that are just for me. I am struggling massively with this.
I feel like doing service for others is where my happiness comes from. I'm looking at volunteering but struggling. I feel totally lost.

whatwouldlouisaguydo - "I see the distractions you talk about with social media and games not as your brain trying to shut down but your brain trying to create a buffer between the professional life that has been yours up until this point, and the retired life you are envisioning over the horizon but is not within reach yet. A mind that is trying to work out how to get there but can't quite do it amongst the noise and overwhelm of professional responsibilities. So in that sense the distractions could be considered welcome and part of the process of transition!"

I really like this explanation. It really does feel like that.

Also, I do have a list of things that need to be done in the house and garden. There are 4 adults in this house, but the others are working full time, so it seems churlish to expect them to do these tasks, when I have the time and capacity to do them myself. So, I have been painting fences over the last few days and I am really pleased with the progress I have made, and how great it looks. But I have a considerable amount of painting both outside and inside to do and I feel completely incapable of turning my mind to painting pictures until I have conquered this to do list - so I waste time playing games when I'm too tired to get on with these jobs.

Just to add that it irritates the hell out of me that my energy levels are starting to decrease just when I have more time to do the things that I always wanted to do!

I am going to try really hard to get back into history though.

Palavermalarkey - my husband doesn't have critical voices in his head. In fact, he says he doesn't have any voices in his head at all and doesn't understand what I'm talking about. He has a much more science/maths based brain than I have, so possibly there is the answer. I'm so grateful to have his steady presence, but I am expecting his to have an even worse time over retiring than I am having!

I like the idea of discussing a monarch with a group of people, but I'm not sure that I have the relevant skills to do a Podcast. I wouldn't know where to start. I had thought about doing this as a Chat on Mumsnet though. I might do that.

Oh, and that quote about you only being as happy as your unhappiest child. That is so, so true - particularly when you still have some of your adult children living with you. My parents never knew the half of the misery I went through as I left to go to university and never really went back. I cannot foresee the ones that are still living with us leaving within the next couple of years.

How is it going Palavermalarkey?

I'm trying new things gradually. I'm starting with classes.

I have found a dance class that I really enjoy - that is for only one hour a week.
It really is my happy place.
I've recently had a trial at a gym. Not sure how I feel about it. I like a swim, I also like spa facilities and no spa facilities. I tried a couple of classes and I enjoyed the aqua class but not the other class. It feels like such a souless place and I struggle because I want to natter and most people seem intense with the swimming/gym equipment. It doesn't feel particularly social more like somewhere to go.
Working down a list.

Two or three craft classes to try.
I get the feeling I'm trying to fill in time.
It almost feels like returning to school except you get to choose your
favourite lessons which only really happen once a week.
I want more friends. I'm not good in my own company.

That dance class sounds great @barometerneedle

I like the sound of going back to school but choosing what you like. Like a library.

I guess that's why U3A is called University of the 3rd Age. Our local one says, "No qualifications needed or given."

@RetireorDie Omg not only no critical voices but no voices in the head, period??! I suppose I always knew there'd be people out there like that. Sort of "Where Did It All Go Right?" 🙂

I wonder what your DH's doubts feel like? Are they, perhaps, simply very rational thoughts based on probabilities, past experiences? I'm envious, can you tell? My doubts practically always have an element of self-criticism to them. I can't just think "Hmm, that might not work," it goes, "Hmm, that might not work - why couldn't I see that? If I go ahead with this and it fails, I'll look such an idiot."

The key is to learn to recognise when the critical voices are speaking. They impersonate me very well, so it's not easy. But they give themselves away by being very black & white; catastrophising. And unkind. They are bullies from my past.

I've joined a choir! I go with DW; it's a hobby, I guess, but we don't use the H-word. 😆
It's not a complete solution but it is a nice way to spend a weekday evening.

I want more friends too. I've been a bit shocked how much my existing friendships depended on work. Part of the trouble is living in London, I think. Lots of colleagues live absolutely miles out in the home counties whereas I'm in a regular 'burb on a Tube line. So former friends who've already retired go very quiet & even when I do contact them, are often not keen on coming all the way into town for a coffee, or lunch. And ofc younger ones are still working & short of time.

There's much talk about younger generations working from home & missing out on the social aspects of the workplace, and that's true - but it's equally true that work friends are often just that.