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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i dont want it to be the end of us but i think it has to be.

63 replies

Booyhoo · 12/01/2010 18:02

i was going to namechange for this but the backstory would probably out me anyway as quite a few of you know it.

ok. OH left on sunday for his work. (we live in N.I he works in england) he doesnt know yet how long he will be away for, might be a few days might be a few weeks. so anyway, tidying the bedroom today and opened his bedside drawer and there are some condoms missing. we havent had sex in about 3 weeks due to health reasons and i know how many were there the day before he left because i was putting things in there for him.

what the hell do i do about this. i havent told him i know this yet. he will phone tonight and i have no idea what to say. i cant have this argument over the phone. i need him here to talk about this.

i know there can only be one reason why he would take condoms with him.

i dont want to end what we have but i will not be walked over if he is cheating on me.

i really dont know how to deal with this.

OP posts:
jellybean86 · 12/01/2010 18:37

how many are missing? and are you certain of how many where there in the first place?
i had this with my ex and he denied the whole thing, and in the end i became a paraniod wreck and left.

have you had any other concerns whether he would cheat?

big hugs xx

junglist1 · 12/01/2010 18:45

How crap. I'd have to mention it to let him know you know. Just in a kind of offhand way, and see how he reacts. I hope you realise you're wrong though

expatinscotland · 12/01/2010 18:48

Anyone who's dumb enough and lazy enough not to cover their tracks in such a manner isn't really worth keeping, tbh.

BetaMummy · 12/01/2010 18:49

Is there a chance he might be using them for "self-pleasure" to avoid any mess? Probably a long shot, but possible?

EcoMouse · 12/01/2010 19:08

Beta, there is a chance he's using them for self-pleasure ...but if he hasn't used them before, for this purpose (as far as you know?) why would he start now, IYSWIM?

Original poster
Booyhoo · 12/01/2010 19:25

i doubt he's using them for self pleasure, it can be hard enough getting him to use them during sex. there are 4 missing. i have looked all through the drawer and all around under the bed incase theyre just mislaid but nothing. they are usually kept in a small box but when i found them today they were 'messy' ie; not the way they were on saturday and as i said we have no need to be near them at the minute.

i really want to be wrong, i want there to be another explanation but i know if i ask him and he gives me one i will still be suspicious. i dont think i can live like that.

i never ever thought he would cheat on me.

sorry for delay i was bathing dcs

OP posts:
Original poster
Booyhoo · 12/01/2010 19:29

how do you say something like that in an 'offhand' way? i dont think i could stay calm. and i wont be able to see his reaction over the phone. should i just wait til he comes back? however long that might be. should i pretend everything is normal til then?

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 12/01/2010 19:34

He could have taken them on the off chance that he would meet someone to have sex with, in which case you could say that you noticed some condoms were missing and did he know where they were? All calm and normal.

If he hasn't yet cheated then he knows you know and hopefully that will be enough to stop a betrayal and you can talk more when he gets home.

Original poster
Booyhoo · 12/01/2010 19:38

isnt just asking him the same as accusing him though? i mean, he'll know that if im asking him then i think he's taken them and what other reason would he have to take them other than to cheat.

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 12/01/2010 19:40

It doesn't have to be but clearly you think he has cheated or is going to so you need to do something.

Original poster
Booyhoo · 12/01/2010 19:44

i know, i know i just dont know how to do it or even what to do.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/01/2010 19:52

but he has taken them, so you can't really ask for an explanation and try to skirt around it, can you ?

can you leave the dc with someone and fly over to the UK for a day or two ? Is that too dramatic ?

Or ring him, tell him he needs to come home to save his marriage immediately and invent a domestic crisis for his employers ? well, actually, this is a domestic crisis

Or use the time he is away to do some more sleuthing and gather any more evidence ?

I would find it difficult to wait until he was back, but I couldn't do that conversation on the phone either, tbh

so sorry, you are in an awful position

Original poster
Booyhoo · 12/01/2010 20:07

he is in the forces so me going there or him getting home isnt an option.

i cant do it on the phone. i need to see his face to know whether he is lying or not. also i know if i do it on the phone, at some point he will have to go and we wont get anything resolved. i would rather have it out face to face and not have it hanging over me until the next phonecall.

i wouldnt even know where to start looking for evidence. what would i be looking for?

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 12/01/2010 20:10

Talking to him now gives you the chance to stop any shagging before he does it. The trust might be gone but you might be able to get things back better than I he had slept with someone else.

Or wait until he has got home, shagged someone else and come up with an excuse in case you ask.

Has he gone somewhere he has been before and therefore may be meeting up with an old lover?

Original poster
Booyhoo · 12/01/2010 20:18

yeah he's been there before but it was a few years ago. i've been checking his facebook all day to see if there are any new friends or new messages from anyone. but surely if he was cheating he wouldnt be that obvious? oh i dont know, i dont know what cheaters do. i've never been one. why would he even need to take them, its not as if he cant buy them in england!!! i'm going to go and search again and hopefully find them hiding somewhere.

OP posts:
WickedWench · 12/01/2010 20:18

OK, this doesn't look good.

But is there any other possible explanation?I have posted this before on another missing condom thread - and I still feel bad about this 30 plus years on.

Me and my brother once took condoms out of my Mum's drawer when we were kids. I think we thought they were sweets or something. Once we saw they were quite obviously water bombs we took another two!

Is there any way your DC could have taken them?

Is your DH really stupid enough to take them from home? If he is playing away why not buy them at the airport?

Original poster
Booyhoo · 12/01/2010 20:20

ok cant search now. ds2 is sleeping and i would wake him. i will look again in the morning. maybe my head will be a bit clearer then too.

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 12/01/2010 20:21

I would want him home immediately. Is there really no reason you could tell him/ them so he would be able to come home? What if you had had an accident?

Original poster
Booyhoo · 12/01/2010 20:24

ds1 took some before but he didnt even take them, he cut them up and then left them in the drawer. (he's 4) i did tell him off that time and told him that if he wanted anything from our room then he is to ask so i think he would have asked if he had wanted them, also he is useless at hiding the evidence so i would have found them somewhere, his room or bins. ds2 is 7 months so it wasnt him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Booyhoo · 12/01/2010 20:25

lovemygirls yes of course if i had an accident they would let him home but for 4 missing condoms i highly doubt it. i wouldnt want to put his job at risk, especially if i am wrong.

OP posts:
MegBusset · 12/01/2010 20:25

Is there anything else that would cause you to be suspicious?

An ex (that I was living with) once accused me of cheating because he found a packet of condoms in the back of a drawer (I was on pill at the time so we didn't use them). In fact they were from a time about a year before when I was on ABs and we'd got them in case the pill didn't work. He'd just forgotten that we'd ever had them. But it really pissed me off that his first thought was that I must have been cheating.

So the question is, do you trust him? If you do then you have nothing to worry about. If you don't then it doesn't really matter where the condoms are, does it?

abroadandmisunderstood · 12/01/2010 20:25

My immediate reaction is to check if it wasn't the kids. My boys regularly rummage through my bedside cabinet and bring out what they think are "sweets" because of the silvery crinky wrapper!

Explore this avenue before jumping to conclusions.

Good luck.

Original poster
Booyhoo · 12/01/2010 20:43

i thought i trusted him.

a few days before he left we were talking about the problems ive been having. (pain during sex) i jokingly said that i would be quite happy never to have sex again. to which he responded that he couldnt do that and if that was what i wanted then i would have to allow him to find sex elswhere. i agreed that it would be unfair to force him into a life of celibacy but this was all theoretical. he knows that once i've been seen by the GP and hopefully been treated that i fully intend to resume our normal sexlife. we just decided to leave it until i'm feeling better, he knows this and he knows we didnt agree to anything because it was just a joke comment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Booyhoo · 12/01/2010 20:44

i will ask ds1 in the morning though after ive had another good look for them.

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 12/01/2010 21:04

Lets hope you are wrong and there is a simple explanation. Fingers crossed.

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