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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i dont want it to be the end of us but i think it has to be.

63 replies

Booyhoo · 12/01/2010 18:02

i was going to namechange for this but the backstory would probably out me anyway as quite a few of you know it.

ok. OH left on sunday for his work. (we live in N.I he works in england) he doesnt know yet how long he will be away for, might be a few days might be a few weeks. so anyway, tidying the bedroom today and opened his bedside drawer and there are some condoms missing. we havent had sex in about 3 weeks due to health reasons and i know how many were there the day before he left because i was putting things in there for him.

what the hell do i do about this. i havent told him i know this yet. he will phone tonight and i have no idea what to say. i cant have this argument over the phone. i need him here to talk about this.

i know there can only be one reason why he would take condoms with him.

i dont want to end what we have but i will not be walked over if he is cheating on me.

i really dont know how to deal with this.

OP posts:
WickedWench · 12/01/2010 21:29

I hope there is a simple explanation too. The fact that your DS already has 'condom mischief' history does make me think that the answer might lie there. They are already forbidden fruit if you like. He's been caught with them before and got into trouble so he would hide any evidence of doing it again. Do not underestimate a 4 year old! Mine's 22 now so I can speak with some authority.

If he's anything like me when I was a child or my DS then he'll never admit to doing it. Even when I knew I'd been caught red handed I'd deny it til I was blue in the face. I hope you'll find them soon hidden in the most unusual place.

Would he really be so stupid as to take them from home? You know him best.

Original poster
Booyhoo · 12/01/2010 21:34

i really dont know if he would be that stupid because i've never thought of him doing something like this, there never has been a previous time to compare it to IYSWIM.

i hope you're right, i do hope it was ds just being naughty.

OP posts:
thatsnotmymonster · 12/01/2010 21:48

Any chance he could have taken them for a mate? maybe a long shot too but it's a possibility?

BrahmsThirdRacket · 12/01/2010 21:50

I honestly wouldn't worry. Taking condoms from the marital stash is such a stupid thing to do. Surely he would buy his own if that's what he was going to do? You may never find the missing ones if your child took them, and as someone said he will probably deny it.

abedelia · 12/01/2010 22:19

People do very, very stupid things when they are having affairs. My H told me he was meeting up with the OW when he went away on business (they used to work together) and even that it would be just them out that night as 'no-one else can make it' - I trusted him completely so thought nothing of it, idiot that I was. The whole point is that people lose sight of pretty much everything and do very stupid things without thinking. Maybe they're so arrogant they think they'll never get caught? In this case though, I'd be inclined to suspect the dcs first. Condom wrappers are very appealing to under 5s!

ShanBrod · 12/01/2010 22:20

I would wait until he came home,check his away bag & clothes and make sure he hasen't replaced any back in the draw then confront him.

Original poster
Booyhoo · 12/01/2010 22:28

no, it wouldnt be for a mate. the more i think about it the more i think it's eally stupid. even if he really was going to cheat, he just wouldnt take them from home. he wouldnt need to. they get them free from their sick bay. he would know this, if he had planned to cheat he would have thought of that. it must have been ds or maybe me just not looking hard enough. fine tooth comb out tomorrow. i really hope i find them.

OP posts:
beachyhead · 12/01/2010 22:28

Could you not just ask him if he has taken them?

Just see what he says.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 12/01/2010 22:29

Don't worry if you don't find them, it doesn't mean anything

Original poster
Booyhoo · 12/01/2010 22:35

i will ask ds if he has taken anything. he is a useless liar, i will know if he has been at them.

i could beachy but if i'm wrong then he will know i think he was going to cheat and if i am right then he will lie. but on the phone i wouldnt be able to tell so i wouldnt be any the wiser.

he phoned earlier and thinks he might be home in a few days so i will look thoroughly tomorrow and if i dont find them i will ask him when he gets back if he knows where they are. i will know by his reaction if he is lying.

cant believe i am actually writing this. never thought i'd have too. hopefully just me being stupid.

OP posts:
beachyhead · 12/01/2010 22:41

I would send a warning shot across his bows as they say, so he knows he might be coming back to an issue!

Otherwise he will walk in and you will be gunning for him......

Can't really think the kids have taken them...you would have seen the packets or balloons floating by.

He probably just took them in case he got lucky, and lets be honest, they all like to think they might get lucky one day. Doesn't mean there was someone lined up!

LynetteScavo · 12/01/2010 22:47

Well, my 4yo takes things and hides them in wierd places...once she hid my pants in a small box in her bedroom, and I didn't find them for weeks.

guttedandworried · 12/01/2010 22:48

Hi! I have recently had a similar suspicions re my husband.

I wrote a thread around New Year time called Found Condoms and an odd receipt (or very similar)- you may or may not want to read.

My OH is also in the Forces so away alot, working funny shifts etc.

Basically we use condoms but I found some in his trouser pockets (never usually carries them on him) when he was on call over Xmas and also discoverd that our condom stash was quite diminished - although tbh I have no idea how many there should have been in our little condom box.

At the same time I found a receipt for 4 perfume sets. Me and 2 DD had one each for Xmas - the 4th one is nowhere to be found!

A few other odd things I have noticed SINCE becoming suspicious.

Its horrible because I have enough suspect things to make me worried but nothing conclusive - so like you - I wonder if there is an innocent explaination or a suspect one.

Anyway - I dont mean to bore you with all of my woes but what I am trying to say is I can sort of appreciate how you are feeling.

Perhaps use the time between now and when he comes home to see if there is anything else suspect. Don't mention it for now but check phone statements, laptop/computer, bank statements etc for any clues. I have been hunting high and low. I have even checked pockets of his clothes unworn for ages in the wardrobe!

By giving yourself a little bit of time before talking to him you are giving yourself time to absorb your feelings and think about how you want to play this! If he is cheating - what do you want? Will that be it or what? You have nothing to loose by waiting a little while.

Good luck with however you decide to deal with this.

Original poster
Booyhoo · 12/01/2010 22:52

tbh beachy if he did take them we would have a real problem. i wouldnt accept 'incase he got lucky' as an excuse. he shouldnt even be thinking about getting lucky. taking condoms suggests he is willing to act on it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Booyhoo · 12/01/2010 23:04

guttedandworried

thank you for your post. i do feel as if i am over reacting about this and that there is probably an explanation but the facts dont lie. there were 4 missing between saturday and today and i havent touched them.

i couldnt ignore the fact.

OH has his phone with him and he doesnt get a statement for it. its all online. we only have bills coming out of our joint account and i pay them all so he never uses it. he would use his personal account for anything he buys.

if he has cheated then it would mean it was over. as much as i would hate that for the children, i couldnt risk it happening again.

if he intended to cheat but didnt then i think we would have a lot of talking to do.

OP posts:
WickedWench · 12/01/2010 23:37

I think that any man who takes condoms from home to cheat - and this goes for guttedandworried too - must be spectacularly stupid.

Booyhoo - do you have access to his mobile bill or personal account?

I know I said that it is very possible that your DS has done something with them but you do need to bear in mind whether your DS knows about the previous condom activity. Could he be taking them with plans to blame your DS if you realised they were missing? Not nice I know but something you need to consider.

I would go very softly-softly with your DS. Reassuring him that he's not in trouble etc etc but that you need to know where some things have gone. Maybe even offer a reward for finding them. I think that this situation requires a unique approach so you can be sure that if your DS says he knows nothing about it that you can be sure he is being truthful.

Original poster
Booyhoo · 12/01/2010 23:46

no access to his mobile bill or personal account.

yes he knows about ds's attack on the condoms, we laughed quite alot about it.

yes you are right about softly softly with ds. i think perhaps i mightnt even ask if he took them, i might just ask him to help me look and perhaps he will 'magically' remember seeing them.

OP posts:
WickedWench · 12/01/2010 23:57

OK, I think first off you need to play a treasure hunt game with DS with maybe a prize at the end. Do make sure that he knows there is a prize for finding them in bits, or stuffed into a Lego fire station, or destroyed somehow.

If that bears no fruit then I think it is a game of trying to get access to the mobile bill and personal account. If you know his email account this might be easier than you think. And there are some very devious clever ladies on this site who can offer many approaches!

Original poster
Booyhoo · 13/01/2010 00:02

i dont have the password for his email account. ive just realised that he knows my passwords for email, ebay, facebook, paypal but i know none of his!

OP posts:
WickedWench · 13/01/2010 00:07

Who is his email account with?

For most email accounts there is usually a security question. It's often 'your first school, first pet, street you lived on etc'

Original poster
Booyhoo · 13/01/2010 00:12

its with hotmail. i thought of that but dont they usually ask you to reset the pasword rather than tell you what it is. if that happened then he would know i had tried to snoop.

OP posts:
Original poster
Booyhoo · 13/01/2010 00:13

yep, just tried it. it offered to reset the password.

OP posts:
kittya · 13/01/2010 00:21

I wouldnt worry about it too much. I mean, taking them from home when you can buy them anywhere?!! it doesnt make sense.

WickedWench · 13/01/2010 00:23

Well if you know the answer to the question you could reset it.

Many hotmail accounts have been hacked, mine included. They used mine to send spam emails. It happens.

If it were me, I would reset the password and check all the emails and then delete the pc browsing history. If he's up to no good you'll know from the emails and he'll never ask you if you know anything about it. If there's nothing incriminating there just act dumb if he mentions it and tell him to report it to Hotmail.

Original poster
Booyhoo · 13/01/2010 00:26

i know kittya, it would be like shooting himself in the foot! unless he just didnt think. you know the way sometimes we do really stupid things when the obvious thing to do would have been so much easier.

i have to go to bed otherwise i will be useless for the boys in the morning. hopefully tomorrow will give me the answer i want. thank you all for replies.

OP posts: