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Original poster

Do men need to have regular sex or they go a bit loopy?

73 replies

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 27/10/2009 16:13

Just read this on another thread and it's something I have wondered about. I would like to say my DH never pressures or emotionally blackmails me into sex, but he's up for it every single night and I'm not, so there are inevitably times when we don't have it for a few days. I notice a real correlation between him being a grumpy arse and a few days without sex. Does anyone else notice this?
Oh and he's not trying to manipulate me, he doesn't recognise it in himself. It usually results in a row followed by him being extra nice to apologise, which put me in the mood...so maybe it is a ploy (joking)

Seriously though, anyone else find this? Is it just a release of tension? DH is a very highly sexed bloke and doesn't wank so it must build up...I get sexually frustrated too but it takes a wee bit longer for me than him!

OP posts:
Malificence · 27/10/2009 16:49

That's ridiculous - not to mention an insult to all the men who work away from home for extended periods.

Even if they don't masturbate ( improbable but not completely impossible) , nature sees to it that they would have nightime emmissions of semen.
If he's that highly sex-driven, why on earth does he NOT masturbate, that's crazy!
Buy him a wanking sleeve and some lube, you can still participate in his pleasure if you aren't in the mood.

wanttostartafresh · 27/10/2009 17:01

DH is like this, needs a sh*g at least 3 times a week and gets very grumpy (to put it mildly) if he doesn't get that. Unfortunately he does use passive/aggressive behaviour and sulks if he doesn't get what he wants. I used to give in to him but I don't anymore, have told him he can sulk til the cows come home but it won't get him anywhere.

However, we have recently instigated a 'shgging schedule' and just like the advice often goes, we have put regular shgs in the diary, down to the exact time shgging will commence, to how long is allowed for it, to what exactly will be done during the session. It sounds mad but as DH was convinved that a lot of our rows were due to him being frustrated due to not having enough said shgs, i agreed to give it a go. It is early days yet, have only been following the schedule for a week or so, but i have to say it's not as bad as i was imagining and so far it seems to be working out ok.

Yes, spontenaeity and impulse has gone out the window, but with 2 young DC's and a full on life, it had gone out the window anyway.

DrNortherner · 27/10/2009 17:06

How funny you having a shagging schedule "Ok Darling, at 8pm tonight you can take me from behind for 10 minutes - crack on" LOL!

My dh also gets grumpy when sex is sparse, he doesn't notice it but I do. I think its more to do with sex releasing feel good pheromones which bring you closer.

My Grandma told me on my wedding day that the secret to a happy marriage was to keep your man satisfied!

justgaveup · 27/10/2009 17:15

it's not just men, lack of sex makes me very grumpy, irritable and not being able to think straight....a self induced orgasm usually calms me down for a bit though!

Jamieandhismagictorch · 27/10/2009 17:16

My DH also gets grumpy when sex is sparse, he doesn't notice it but I do. I think its more to do with sex releasing feel good pheromones which bring you closer.

I agree.

wanttostartafresh · 27/10/2009 17:18

DrN, yes it is funny! In fact it's ridiculous, but it seems to be working, not just for DH but for me! As I know when the sh*gs will be taking place and so am not always feeling tense wondering if DH is going to want one when I don't feel like it and go into one of his sulks etc etc.

And perhaps your grandma was right, keeping DH satisfied seems to be making us both happy!

wanttostartafresh · 27/10/2009 17:19

Jamie, that's what DH says, he says he starts feeling down if he hasn't had a shg and that the shg seems to make him feel happy again and closer to me.

EyeOfFrogSpawnChorus · 27/10/2009 17:22

I think i'd get pretty pissed off if my dh was like that, even if it wasn't deliberate/conscious behaviour. they should get a grip! a shagging diary indeed...tsk!

6feetundertheGroundhogs · 27/10/2009 17:22

Tis true..

MmeGoblindt · 27/10/2009 17:27

No, I don't agree with that.

He might be (as might I) be a bit more loveydovey and soppy the day after we have had sex but he does not get grumpy.

But then, we have similar sex drives.

SolidGhoulBrass · 27/10/2009 17:33

It isn't specifically a man thing. Some people are keener on sex than others, and while it won't actually do a person any physical harm to go without sex, it can make you thoroughly miserable (in the same way that being unable to have chocolate, or a favourite book, or MN, or time to pursue a particular hobby such as music or sport) will make you miserable.
Masturbation will take the edge off the unhappiness of course, but it isn;t the same as sex with a partner. Also, before anyone says that single people have to do without, etc, when a person is single, that person has the option of looking for a willing sexual partner; a person in a monogamous relationship doesn't have that option. And after a while, it can be possible to feel very resentful towards the less-sexually-interested partner as it can feel like this person could make you feel happy but won't.
Wantostart: you;re right about having a negotiated schedule making things better for both of you - when there is a libido mismatch (one partner wanting sex much more than the other) it's easy to fall into the trap of one constantly asking for sex and the other one constantly anxious that sex is going to be asked for, breaking that cycle always works as long as there is goodwill between the partners and an agreement about what's fair.

wanttostartafresh · 27/10/2009 17:35

So, is it not normal for men to get grumpy if they do not get the sh*gs per week they say they need? DH has made out to me that it is normal, but now I'm beginning to wonder.

So if one of your DH's goes without a sh*g for a while, how does it affect their behaviour, if at all?

I must admit, I have been wondering if DH is a s*x addict? ie he needs his fix and gets grumpy if he doesn't get it and will go to any lengths to make sure he gets what he needs (hence his sulking and passive/aggressive behaviour in the past).

Would appreciate some more thoughts on this.

SolidGhoulBrass · 27/10/2009 17:42

Wanttostart: there are quite a few men who are the ones with the low libido - there have been plenty of threads on here from miserably frustrated women whose partners are just not interested. Your H sounds a bit of a selfish arse (wanting sex regardless of your feelings) who is bullshitting you a bit - his cock will not fall off if he gets less sex than he wants. But given that you have negotiated a deal, what is he doing for you? Sex is only one aspect of a relationship: is he pulling his weight with the rest of it eg doing his share of the chores and childcare, treating you like a person he respects and likes?

Bucharest · 27/10/2009 17:46

Of course they don't.
They just tell us that.
Dp (Italian) told me with a straight face many years ago (when he thought he could get away with it) that men have to have sex or they get physically ill.

Oblomov · 27/10/2009 17:53

I have 2 friends like this. Both say that their dh's are absolutely unbearable if they don't shag every 2 days. by day 3 it is awful.
They made it sound like they didn't want to at all, but HAD to every 2 days, to keep things nice.
I thought that was really sad.
Dh and my relations hip is much better if we have regular sex. It is just nicer. closer. assumed that was normal.
BUT he doesn't sulk get grumpy if he doesn't.
We can go weeks& weeks. then 4 times in a night. But then we are a bit odd

Oblomov · 27/10/2009 17:55

Yes, sorry Op. What your dh is claiming is bollocks !!

purepurple · 27/10/2009 17:59

DH does get quite grumpy if we leave it a bit. But then he makes the odd sarcy comment about it being too long and that puts me off instantly. I feel as if he is keeping a diary. I then feel even less like it and he sulks more.
Vicious circle really
If he didn't harp on about it, I would feel like it more.
On the other hand (no pun intended) he has worked away for long periods at a time and we both managed to survive.

wanttostartafresh · 27/10/2009 18:02

OMG I feel like such a fool. DH has told me his body needs regular sex just like it needs food and water and I beleived him. I don't feel like that about sex but I took his word for it as a bloke thing.

SolidGB, thank for for asking about me . Well, DH does do what he can wrt chores and childcare, but he could certainly do more, especially wrt childcare. As for treating me like a person he respects and likes....not so sure about that. Don't feel he particularly respects me (don't think he actually knows me well enough to respect me) or likes me for that matter. I often ask him why he is with me and he reels out a load of generic qualities that could belong to any decent person, not just me. But there is a lot more to it than i really have time to go into right now; for various reasons our relationship has been under immense strain and pressure for a number of years. Things are much better now but it is almost as if we are having to rebuild our relationship or start afresh (hence the name) and re-ignite the spark that there once was between us. By agreeing to the sh*gging schedule I have hopefully kick-started us off on the right track and yes, it is up to DH to put in the effort in the areas which are important to me. It's early days yet, so we shall see how things pan out.

dittany · 27/10/2009 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morloth · 27/10/2009 18:12

I don't know about need, nor this only applying to men. I know if I haven't had a good shag for a while I get extremely grumpy and tense. Fortunately for us we have fairly well matched libidos.

But there have been times where we just haven't been "able" to for whatever reason and we definitely notice an increase in tension around the place.

Earthstar · 27/10/2009 18:16

Ime men have a high degree of variation in their sex drives.

So some of them can relatively happily work away froom home with no sex for a couple of weeks, and for some it is a genuine trial.

I think a lack of sex for men often results in grumpiness/ anger / aggression.

IControlSandwichMonkey · 27/10/2009 18:28

It's like anything in a relationship, it depends on the person. It makes sense that if you like and enjoy something, the endorphins it releases and the relaxation it causes then yes you will miss it. And some people experience that lack with grumpiness. I get a bit antsy if I can't sit and write and feel infinitely better when I get to. I think what makes you a mature and decent human being is not directing that dissatisfaction at somebody who doesn't deserve it and isn't responsible for your particular mood.

I don't think a man not wanking is improbable either fwiw. I think significantly more men wank than don't if it needs qualifying but it's certainly not imperative.

BertieBotts · 27/10/2009 18:32

Orgasm is a stress-reliever though. I think for some men, especially highly stressed, aggressive men, they fall into a pattern of using sex or masturbation as a stress relief and then seem to become addicted to it because they don't know any other way to relax. (Actual sex addiction being a different thing, I think)

So a man might say "I need sex otherwise I get very grumpy" like a woman might say "I need chocolate when I have PMT" - you don't really need it, it's just a tried and tested solution to a problem that could be handled in a number of ways. However if the sex (or the chocolate ) is healthy, ie if the man's partner is happy with that frequency of sex (and the chocolate is part of a balanced diet generally) - it's a perfectly good solution, and doesn't need changing.

MmeGoblindt · 27/10/2009 18:32

I think that the old 'I need sex or I get grumpy' is just a way of getting sex more often that their partners want to for some men.

It is emotional blackmail. And I agree with Dittany, that the 'lie back and think of England' thinking seems to be still very accepted.

How about he does something for you that makes you feel more like sex?

MmeGoblindt · 27/10/2009 18:34

True, Bertie.

My DH gets grumpy when he does not go running or cycling for a week. It is his way of letting off steam.