Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do men need to have regular sex or they go a bit loopy?

73 replies

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 27/10/2009 16:13

Just read this on another thread and it's something I have wondered about. I would like to say my DH never pressures or emotionally blackmails me into sex, but he's up for it every single night and I'm not, so there are inevitably times when we don't have it for a few days. I notice a real correlation between him being a grumpy arse and a few days without sex. Does anyone else notice this?
Oh and he's not trying to manipulate me, he doesn't recognise it in himself. It usually results in a row followed by him being extra nice to apologise, which put me in the mood...so maybe it is a ploy (joking)

Seriously though, anyone else find this? Is it just a release of tension? DH is a very highly sexed bloke and doesn't wank so it must build up...I get sexually frustrated too but it takes a wee bit longer for me than him!

OP posts:
Oblomov · 27/10/2009 18:38

This thread comes back to the same old basic that many threads like it did:
matched libido's.
Mnay posters have said they however often they do it/shag/make love / whattever the point is that theiy both want it = matched libido's.
OP yours is not matched.
Lets cut hte crap and get to the point here.
Has it always been this way ?
sex is noramlly a sign of deeper issues.
if he doesn't really know you or love you, or appreciate the REAL you. why would you want to make love to this man.
the grumpiness thing is just the icing problem.
you know what the core issues are.

PoisonToadstool · 27/10/2009 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany · 27/10/2009 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wanttostartafresh · 27/10/2009 18:49

MmeGoblindt, DH's answer to this "How about he does something for you that makes you feel more like sex?" is that he can only make more of an effort wrt the things that I would like from him, once he is satisfied wrt getting enough sh*gs.

It is a bit of a vicious circle. Things happen outside the relationship which get in the way of regular sex (eg young DC's, depression and illness on my part) and which are not either my or DH's fault. So DH regularly feels angry and frustrated as he is not getting enough sex. We have more rows and I don't feel close to him and don't feel like having sex at all. DH then gets even more frustrated and grumpy, we have a row, I feel even less like having sex. The whole relationship starts falling apart.

However, now, the problems external to the relationship are now largely resolved, but the relationship has been damaged by the vicious circle described above. In order to try and start repairing the damage, I agreed to the shagging schedule, to ensure DH no longer feels grumpy and frustrated through not enough sex, therefore he is far more willing and able to do the things that i want to make me happy, which in turn make me feel closer to him and actually start wanting to have sex with him and, hopefully, we are now in a non-vicious circle (for want of a better name).

Oblomov · 27/10/2009 18:49

Op, do you feel that dh ,now whats the right word, controls you, bully's you,dominates you, demands of you, in other ways aswell ?

overmydeadbody · 27/10/2009 18:51

It's not just men actually.

It is a need, like food and water and sleep. Yes it's a need that we don't die if we don;t get, but still a need nontheless.

overmydeadbody · 27/10/2009 18:53

I agree with dittany's last post too.

dittany · 27/10/2009 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fraochsmum · 27/10/2009 18:55

Have to agree with you MmeGoblindt - my exh's idea of foreplay was asking "fancy a shag?". Not quite going to do it for me!
I haven't met anyone who would actually change their temprement due to lack of sex, but in my opinion each partner has to respect the other's libido and that they may sometimes have to find some middle ground.

wanttostartafresh · 27/10/2009 18:57

I should add though that we are only in week 2 of the shagging schedule so will report back in say, 3 month's time, to let you know if it works.

Oblomov, you are 100% spot on. Not wanting sex with my DH was simply a symptom of a much deeper problem. We are finally starting to talk about the deeper issues in our relationship. DH is well aware that the shagging schedule is really only papering over the cracks and unless the deeper relationship issues are aired and resolved, him getting enough sex and no longer being grumpy will not be enough to save our marriage.

Morloth · 27/10/2009 18:58

But what happens if you don't want to have sex, but it is scheduled in?

PoisonToadstool · 27/10/2009 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wanttostartafresh · 27/10/2009 19:03

dittany, I think you are right. DH does seem to have a need to dominate, be in control, be top dog by getting his own way, even if it's not what i want.

The real question is why does he feel the need to dominate me? I think it is because of his own deep rooted insecurities (caused by his parents) which he needs to address. I am slowly chipping away at him and hopefully he will start gaining a bit more insight into himself and what deep rooted insecurities are subconsciously driving his behaviour wrt sex.

colditz · 27/10/2009 19:06

It's not bollocks, and just because you don't have a high sex drive doesn't make someone who does unreasonable, selfish and demading.

I have a high drive and I get very grumpy after 3 or 4 days without sex. I am female. It's not a male thing, it's a high sex drive thing.

saintmaybe · 27/10/2009 19:07

What was that article someone linked to a couple of months ago about men feeling really sad and rejected when they stop having sex with their partners, a bit like - massive generalisation- how some women feel when their men stop really talking to them?

It really made me think, anyone rememmber the one?

wanttostartafresh · 27/10/2009 19:10

Morloth, I don't know the answer to that question, as so far I have felt like having sex at the scheduled time. Poisontoadstool, i can see how some people might find the idea of a schedule depressing, but for me, contrary to what i thought before i agreed to it, it is actually working well. It seems to take the negative tension out of our relationship which is a good thing for us anyway.

wanttostartafresh · 27/10/2009 19:14

saintmaybe, that is exactly what DH says he feels like if we don't have regular sex. I think the dominating/control thing to get sex is actually about him trying to avoid those feelings of sadness and rejection.

wanttostartafresh · 27/10/2009 19:15

I would love to read that article, I hope somebody can do a link.

wanttostartafresh · 27/10/2009 19:17

And yes, the flip side of the coin is me feeling sad and rejected when DH and I don't talk properly on a regular basis (not everyday smalltalk).

MmeGoblindt · 27/10/2009 19:22

I am very uncomfortable with the usage of sex as a bargaining tool.

To say that he can only make the effort if he has enough sex is not a good sign.

Why should you have to accept that in order to have your needs met?

Not to say that you should not do what you feel is necessary to save your marriage.

wanttostartafresh · 27/10/2009 19:33

MmGoblindt, I know how you feel. This was a sticking point for me for ages, "To say that he can only make the effort if he has enough sex is not a good sign.
Why should you have to accept that in order to have your needs met?"

Which is why things nearly reached breaking point not that long ago. I totally agree with what you have said, especially as DH and I are both agreed that the original external problems causing the problems within our relationship were neither of our faults.

Eventually I decided to be the bigger person and agree to go along with his way of doing things, if only to be able to tell him after a month's trial, that I still wasn't happy and that it was now time to try things my way. Somebody had to give in to break the deadlock, yes it was me, but that does not mean DH is getting away without putting in any effort himself. We are going to Relate in a month's time, which he has agreed to, which will hopefully start the process of sorting out the deeper relationship issues we have got.

saintmaybe · 27/10/2009 19:37

Yes, I can't remember enough to do a sensible search. I hope someone else can.

iirc it included a lot of views from men who totally loved their partners, and absolutely didn't want to pressure them, but felt lonely and hurt and bewildered that what they saw as a really vital part of their intimacy with their partners had gone.

Of course it's not the same as/ a reason for demanding sex, but it was so interestig and quite moving; seemed like there was often a massive lack of communication/ shared understanding

but i can't find it, so I'm jabbering pointlessly!

It sounds like a very loving and worthwhile way to try to come to an understanding, wanttostart

Original poster
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 27/10/2009 19:40

Oblomov
I am the OP. I think you are addressing wanttostartafresh as OP because this -
'sex is noramlly a sign of deeper issues.
if he doesn't really know you or love you, or appreciate the REAL you. why would you want to make love to this man.
the grumpiness thing is just the icing problem.
you know what the core issues are.'
and this-
'do you feel that dh ,now whats the right word, controls you, bully's you,dominates you, demands of you, in other ways aswell ?'
weren't directed at me were they?

OP posts:
sarah293 · 27/10/2009 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

saintmaybe · 27/10/2009 19:43

sorry, kat, I made that mistake too