Do men need to have regular sex or they go a bit loopy?

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Just read this on another thread and it's something I have wondered about. I would like to say my DH never pressures or emotionally blackmails me into sex, but he's up for it every single night and I'm not, so there are inevitably times when we don't have it for a few days. I notice a real correlation between him being a grumpy arse and a few days without sex. Does anyone else notice this?
Oh and he's not trying to manipulate me, he doesn't recognise it in himself. It usually results in a row followed by him being extra nice to apologise, which put me in the mood...so maybe it is a ploy (joking)

Seriously though, anyone else find this? Is it just a release of tension? DH is a very highly sexed bloke and doesn't wank so it must build up...I get sexually frustrated too but it takes a wee bit longer for me than him!

My Dh is again one of those men who would happily have sex every day.

I would be more than happy with every month.

I do not feel either of us is abnormal, we just have absurdly mismatching sex drives. I don't think this is anyones 'fault' but I do see that there has to be some comprimise involved. That tends to be that we, on average, shag twice a week and yes, there is an element of 'lie back and think of England.'
But I think it would be incredibly unfair of me to not have sex with him for prolonged periods as he clearly needs the closeness of sex in a way that is not fulfilled by masturbation. And yes, it is really obvious when I have left it too long to 'leap' on him!

my apologies kat (OP). I was adressing startafresh as op.I am sorry.

dittany, yes you are right in that there was something very wrong with me because I was allowing myself to be dominated by him and indeed controlled by him. Yes, I had some deep rooted issues which had affected my self esteem, self confidence and self respect without me even realising it. This is why I allowed him to dominate and control me, because i lacked the confidence to stand up for myself and assert my needs and wishes.

But we are past that point now, and my agreeing to DH's wishes is geniune ie I am now agreeing because I am scared of how he will react if I said no. DH has a much higher sex drive than me, he needs it 3 times a week. My needs vary a lot, some weeks i don't need it at all, other times, i am up for it 3 or even 4 times a week, it all depends on where I am in my cycle. So there is an element of compromise, some weeks I am doing it just for DH's sake, some weeks I am doing it because I want it too. But I don't think it's fair to make DH go without completely just because I don't feel like it for usually hormonal reasons. I am ok with that, others might not be, each to their own.

And yes, I am very angry at DH for things that have happened in the past (not sex related) which hopefully will be addressed when we go to relate although we are starting to talk about these issues ourselves anyway and I finally seem to be getting through to DH how unhappy some of his behaviour over the years has made me feel.

And last but not least, kat I am terribly sorry for hijacking your thread in this way, I'm not usually like this I promise!

I am not scared of how DH will react (hope that wasn't a Freudian slip!)

yes they get Blue Balls and explode
naturally

Expecting sex from someone every single day is unacceptable, most peoples' libidos are not that closely in sync. Using another person's body to fulfill your own sexual need without regard to their needs is selfish.
Masturbating is a perfectly good way of relieving sexual tension, what's his problem with it?.
I'd be happy to have sex every day, my husband is satisfied with every 3/4 days and it doesn't bother him to go a week or more without, he certainly doesn't get grumpy, nor do I - I only want him to have sex with me if he really wants to , a pity shag would be worse than no shag at all ( well, maybe not) he knows that when I'm rampant it's useless to say no anyway .

If all the OP's bloke wants is essentially a hole to fill then get him something like a fleshlight, you could use it on him for a bit of interaction or tell him it would really turn you on to see him use it.
Compromise has to come from BOTH sides in the end.

Compromise has to come from BOTH sides in the end.

filthy cackle<

and it's not even friday night..

I don't think men necessarily run to a different schedule..sometimes DH is more up for it than i am, sometimes...not. Since DS, mostly the former!

I don't think he needs sex anymore than i do. Only problem is, if its been a while, he is very unlikely to be a gentleman.

saintmaybe - I cannot remember where to find the article you mentioned but I do feel low and sad and lonely if I have not had sex for a while as you describe.

The physical side of things can be dealt with but intimacy, closeness and emotional connection are very important to men just as they are to women. Sex for men is an important way of achieving that and I think is often under appreciated by women and poorly exlained by men. Most women I am sure have had the experience of men being very loving, relaxed and saying 'soppy things' after sex but being quite tense before. The reason for that is because we often feel very in love afterwards and we really do mean what we say.

Also where there is a big libido mismatch I think the person with a low libido can slip into a bad habit of being 'lazy' about initiating because they can more or less take it or leave it as their partner is always up for it. For the person with the higher libido always being the one who initates can become demeaning. It can make them feel like they are 'begging'. This can apply to men as well as women of course so not unique to men.

These are plenty of threads on here where women talk of their sadness where DH/DP does not want sex. Ths is not just a male issue. Having had a much higher and much lower libido than DW for lengthy periods in our relationship I know it from both sides. Communication is absolutley the vital starting point for dealing with it.

Just to make clear, I do not think it is reasonable for a man to demand sex every two days. All men have to learn to deal with the fact that on average their libido wil be higher or much higher than ther partner for many years but as the years go by and men reach middle age it may reverse.

Bit of a ramble of a post but it is a complicated issue and there are no absolute wrongs and rights.

I think there needs to be a distinction between mismatched libidos but no other issues getting in the way of wanting sex on either side and the issue I realise DH and I have had of me not wanting sex with him because of deeper relationship problems.

In our case if the relationship problems were sorted out, I don't think the mismatched libidos would cause too much of a problem as I am sure we would both be willing to compromise.

Or are mismatched libidos more often than not a case of deeper relationship issues which have not been recognised by the couple?

Part of being married is wanting to make each other happy by having sex. It's something that ought to please you. It always makes me sad when people either dread it or use it as some kind of currency.

Unquietdad, I enjoy sex when we get down to it but it's just not something I would chose to do just for me. I enjoy other things like reading and going for walks. It might be something that you think I ought to want and enjoy just as much as DH, but I don't and I can't change how i feel.

Well, sometimes mismatched libidos are a sign of deeper problems between a couple, the most usual and obvious one being that the man is not pulling his weight domestically, so the woman feels that sex has become another service she's expected to perform for him, which is not a turn on. Also, in this sort of situation, when the sex becomes about getting the man off so he stops pestering and complaining, the sex itself usually becomes very unrewarding for the woman as it is all about getting it over with - even more unerotic. So this problem is harder to cure when it's a symptom of the man' sense of entitlement (ie that the woman exists for his benefit and he matters more than her).
So when a couple talk about what would make them happier, and the man says 'More sex.' the woman needs to tell him what would make her happier and he needs to listen and take it on board. There has to be effort made on both sides.

Even though I do agree with dittany a bit, I do think it's easy to get into a rut of not doing it, not because you actively don't want to but because you sort of can't be arsed. Sometimes when you do it just for the sake of it, you get really into it and end up enjoying it, no?

SGB, I think you are right in that in our case the mismatched libidos are a sign of deeper problems between me and DH. But i wish it were as simple as DH not pulling his weight domestically. In our case the problems are to do with DH's parents (who are toxic but he is blind to them), the fact that I increasingly find DH cynical and lacking a sense of humour (or not sharing my sense of humour), the fact that we don't really share any common interests or hobbies.

But we have to give it a go as despite all of the above, there has been something keeping us together all this time, despite the horrendous problems we have had to cope with.

dittany, it's not quite as simple as that. and InMLH, has described what does actually end up happening with me. I rarely feel like it, but almost as soon as we get going, i start enjoying it and by the end of it, I'm glad we did it. If I always went with my initial feeling, we would NEVER do it as like I said, I rarely feel like it.

And what's wrong with the occasional 'lie back and think of England' type of sex? Don't tell me you've NEVER done that yourself?

dittany, domestic chores are not really an issue for us. We have a cleaner who comes twice a week and DH does do his fair share of childcare.

There is a world of difference between making an effort to please your partner and giving in just to keep the peace and stop them behaving in a generally unpleasant manner/sulking like a child.

There is research suggesting that some people have to get aroused before feeling sexual desire , whereas the "normal" way of responding is to feel desire then arousal. I can't remember where I read it unfortunately.

Being pressured and bullied into sex just to make someone feel better is horribly selfish - what does the protagonist actually get out of having sex with an unwilling and uninterested partner? I can't imagine anything less satisfying personally.

Malificence, you are exactly right. And I have been in both situations. I have given in to sex just to keep the peace and to stop DH sulking. You would have to ask DH how he found this satisfying as I have no idea myself. Although I suppose it wouldn't just be a case of him sulking and then me giving in, we would have a talk in between to establish what the real problem was and it often would have turned out to be a misunderstanding between us about something or the other which once that was sorted, I was happy to have sex with DH.

I do also sometimes make an effort to please DH.

And sometimes, I do actually want it myself.

I don't think there's anything wrong with deciding that sometimes you will have sex because your partner wants it, if you find that you tend to enjoy it once you get started. If you don't enjoy it and it's always a case of just putting up with it to keep a partner quiet, then that is a symptom of a bigger problem, and one that isn't going to be resolved by gritting your teeth and enduring sex you don't want and don't enjoy - that will just make things worse.

We call it "sympathy" sex and have both done it for each other, but only ever when really it is a "can't be arsed" rather than a "I don't want to". If you see the difference?

I couldn't be with a man who would insist on having sex if I actually didn't want to. Would break my heart if DH tried to force me into such a situation with emotional blackmail. Would never be able to forgive him and wouldn't be able to allow him to even touch me again.

What kind of man would want sex with an unwilling (even if passively) partner?