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Original poster

DH away last night - had a very naughty online conversation - feel terrible

57 replies

WasBad · 21/10/2009 14:08

I was bored so had a look at another forum I visit occasionally. They have a live chat room, but someone was stirring stuff up so I ended up in private room chatting to a few people I have spoken to before. Mixed group - general gossip and chat.

Anyway most people left so left chatting to one woman. To cut a long story short - she came on to me and we ended up having a very explicit conversation that got very steamy. I was quite surprised by how much I enjoyed it. Kind of left it that we should do it again sometime.

In the cold light of day, I feel awful. Not about the experience so much, but that I really should NOT be doing such things! This is so not me! After all if it was DH I would not be happy I suppose.

Other woman brushed this off a bit when I said something last night - that it just a bit of harmless fun and it's not like its real. But I'm not sure if it is - hasn't hurt any one, but maybe was a bit seedy to do it.

As it really was quite um horny I'm quite tempted to do it again - but I shouldn't really should I?

Would you consider this to be "unfaithful"?

OP posts:
Original poster
WasBad · 21/10/2009 14:39

no-one?

OP posts:
Malificence · 21/10/2009 14:40

If you know in your heart you would hate for your husband to do it, you already know the answer. Nothing wrong with a bit of fantasy about other people but when those other people are "real", it's a bit dodgy imho.
I can see the attraction though as it must feel SO naughty. The only time it could become a problem is if you were fantasising about HER while having sex for real, then it would be crossing over into infidelity, even if it's only in your head.

Could you not have naughty conversations with your hubby while he's away?

These things can also backfire, we had an incident a few weeks back when me and hubby had been at the whisky and he was chatting on FB, a bloke he vaguely knows starting chatting ( DH used to work with him and he was openly gay), the chat turned a bit fruity and the bloke asked hubby if he had ever had any man-love, to which he replied no but there's always a first time for everything, then I said could I watch etc. and the bloke actually thought we were being serious! He said he could be at ours in half an hour and did he need condoms and did we have a video camera - I'm sure he was 100% serious because he got very narky when we said not for us thanks. I was honestly expecting a knock at the door!

Original poster
WasBad · 21/10/2009 14:49

! That must have been a worry, Mal!

Part of me wonders if DH would like it if I told him what we were talking about. But can't imagine bringing it up in a conversation. Too risky. Never enough time to have long chats to DH whilst he's away sadly.

OP posts:
SqueezyCheesyPumpkin · 21/10/2009 14:53

Yes, I'd consider it unfaithful in a way. OK, it's not full on meeting someone for sex or having an affair....but.....you only have to read the threads on here from women who have found flirty texts on their DHs phone or evidence of such conversations on the computer. If you two have agreed to be faithful, then it is wrong.

Goose, gander.....

dittany · 21/10/2009 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
WasBad · 21/10/2009 15:00

When you put it like that....

Gives me a bit of food for thought - it wasn't like I was looking for it to happen - just got a bit carried away. But yeah if I was a bloke saying this, you'd probably (quite rightly) think I was a complete twunt!

OP posts:
sincitylover · 21/10/2009 15:02

can't see the problem with fantasising about others whilst having sex with your p.

Thought that was quite common and wouldn't classify it as infidelity.

OP if it's a one off wouldn't be too worried.
Suppose it's not something to be done regularly just as you would not want your h to do this with anyone else male or female.

PoisonToadstool · 21/10/2009 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Seededbiatch · 21/10/2009 15:08

If I discovered DP had had a flirty/steamy/sexy convo with someone online I would be devastated so yes I do consider it to be unfaithful even though no physical contact had occurred.

It's not the same as fantasy because that's all you, alone in your imagination. This was something else entirely with a whole another person there also feeling horny and getting turned on, it was a reciprocal thing between two people and one of them wasn't your husband.

Malificence · 21/10/2009 15:08

That's another worry Dittany, you never really know who a person is on something as anonymous as a chat room. Even with forums that have photo profiles etc. Could have been some randy old perv or a 15 year old boy!
I've never actually been in a chat room and don't think I ever would. There is a private forum on the lovehoney site where people share explicit photos and the like, it's never appealed to me but some people are obviously voyeuristic, I always wonder if their partner knows what they're doing. It's the same with those amateur porn sites I imagine, it's all a bit seedy and yuckyy for my tastes. What are these people trying to prove by posting their home-made sexploits on the net?

Malificence · 21/10/2009 15:18

Why on earth would you fantasise about someone else while actually having sex with your partner? All I can say is the sex can't be much good if you have to let your mind wander like that to enjoy it! How can you be looking into your lover's eyes but thinking about another person?
If it's good you shouldn't be able to even have coherent thoughts.
I know I'm odd but I even fantasise only about my husband when DIY-ing, it's about the situation, not the person , with me ayway, well obviously the person comes into it.

Original poster
WasBad · 21/10/2009 15:55

I was 99.9% sure it WAS a woman yes! For one thing we've been chatting occasionally over a long period of time about more mundane topics. DHs/DCs/shopping/university etc. I think it would have been hard to keep this up if you were really a 15 yo boy but yes, I know what the trolls get up to on here.

Thanks for your thoughts. I think the answer is pretty clear! Don't do it again!

OP posts:
sincitylover · 21/10/2009 16:05

Well I never have (honest guv) but have read about it happening.

Have spoken about shared fantasies with a p where you clearly are having a coherent convo.

and when diy (even when married) was not fantasising about h. It's usually about another woman - perhaps I should join the chat room lol

Dumbledoresgirl · 21/10/2009 16:10

Malificence, it is pretty common to fantasise about other people when having sex. I would be divorced on the grounds of non consumation of marriage by now if I did not. It doesn't count as infidelity in my book.

That said, I think WasBad is on dodgier ground because her conversation took place with a real person. But even then, if she has no intention of putting anything into practice, hmmmm, well, I don't know, it isn't right but it isn't totally wrong either. I would say don't do it again just to be on the safe side.

Malificence · 21/10/2009 16:28

DDgirl, you're kidding right?
if you're serious that's heartbreakingly sad - that must mean that you don't fancy your hubby at all?
I'm far too engaged with either his pleasure or mine to be thinking about anything else tbh.
If I thought for one second my husband was thinking of someone else, it would put me right off, for life probably.
I can't think of anything more awful than two people having sex but each thinking/fantasising about someone else - the partner may as well be a blow up doll in that case.

Seriously, has no-one else got into tantric sex? - it's a whole other level of intimacy and pure joy.

Original poster
WasBad · 21/10/2009 16:29

Dumbledore I'm certainly with you about fantasising about other people. Adds a certain frisson. Have thought about other women before but strictly in the fantasy sense, and have talked to DH about this. He usually likes such thoughts.

I realise I have crossed a boundary though. Got carried away by the sheer "naughtiness" of it I think. I'd probably run a mile if she ever came up to me in RL. Need to find a way of keeping the fantasy but using it in my RL sex life. Which could do with spicing up a bit....

OP posts:
sayithowitis · 21/10/2009 16:39

As others have already said, i suppose whether it was unfaithful depends on how you would feel if you found out that your DH had done something similar. I am sure we have all read threads where a DW has discovered this sort of thing on a computer and asks for advice. The general opinion is usually that the DH is being less than truthful when they try to say it was a one off thing and that he is being unfaithful etc. For me, i would be devastated if I found DH had done anything like this, regardless of whether or not anything had actually 'happened. The fact that you were getting steamy with another person, albeit over the net, says that something did happen. Obviously only you know how your DH would react if he found out about this, or how you would react if the shoe was on the other foot, but for me, yes, this would rank as being unfaithful.

sincitylover · 21/10/2009 16:42

Mal, have you been married for a long time?

ADifferentMe · 21/10/2009 17:59

God, I'm thick. Had to read Mal's post several times to realise she wasn't fantasising about her DH whilst painting and decorating

OP - If it wouldn't be OK for your DH to do it, it's not ok for you.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 21/10/2009 18:07

OP - chill, you didn't cheat, you didn't do anything. But you did cross a line, so don't do it again, unless you can talk to your DH about it and he'd find it horny? I know mine would!

Dumbledoresgirl · 21/10/2009 19:18

Mal, what can I say? I do fancy dh a bit I suppose and yes actually I have had sex with him where fantasy was not necessary, but I still think that fantasy is a strong part of my sexual experience. It isn't any less satisfying for that!

Before you think I am heading for a speedy divorce, I don't think sexual attraction is the most important thing to look for in a successful marriage. Dh has many other qualities which count for more for me.

Sorry for hijack.

Dumbledoresgirl · 21/10/2009 19:19

Oh and I have never known what tantric sex is - must google I suppose.

moondog · 21/10/2009 19:23

I had a bf who was into tentric sex.

Mostly with himself though.He could give himself a blowjob.

Maleeka · 21/10/2009 19:25

I dont think you were unfaithful at all, i've been in a chat room where the talk got very steamy and on a few occasions, jumped on my OH's bones which was a nice surprise for him!

Then he found out that i go into this chat room and wasnt too happy about it initially, but for me its all about a bit of fantasy and now he doesnt mind at all. It wouldnt devastate me at all if he wanted to do it and we both fantasise about other people when we are doing the do.

I guess it boils down to how your OH would feel if he knew, but we all have needs and i guess while he is away, its ok for a bit of DIY on the net

sincitylover · 21/10/2009 19:25

agree with kat many men would be turned on by this - for some it's their ultimate fantasy.

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