DH away last night - had a very naughty online conversation - feel terrible

[WasBad]

I was bored so had a look at another forum I visit occasionally. They have a live chat room, but someone was stirring stuff up so I ended up in private room chatting to a few people I have spoken to before. Mixed group - general gossip and chat.

Anyway most people left so left chatting to one woman. To cut a long story short - she came on to me and we ended up having a very explicit conversation that got very steamy. I was quite surprised by how much I enjoyed it. Kind of left it that we should do it again sometime.

In the cold light of day, I feel awful. Not about the experience so much, but that I really should NOT be doing such things! This is so not me! After all if it was DH I would not be happy I suppose.

Other woman brushed this off a bit when I said something last night - that it just a bit of harmless fun and it's not like its real. But I'm not sure if it is - hasn't hurt any one, but maybe was a bit seedy to do it.

As it really was quite um horny I'm quite tempted to do it again - but I shouldn't really should I?

Would you consider this to be "unfaithful"?

[electra]

I think no unless you were going to meet up.

[Maleeka]

kat you have said everything i would have said, but so much better

I totally agree with what you have said and it makes me throw up a little in my mouth to read some of Mals post.

Horses for courses i guess

[ShowOfHands]

"What are these people trying to prove by posting their home-made sexploits on the net?" Hahahahahahahahaha. Mal, I know more about your sex life than I do my own. Honestly, are we all having tantric sex with you too?

OP, as you have gathered, different couples have different boundaries and turn ons. If this is something your dh wouldn't mind then it's fine, if it isn't then it's an issue.

[loupiots]

WasBad - that's a bit tricky, isn't it?

I think the fact that it was with another actual person sort of crosses the line. It would make me uncomfortable if my dh said that he had done that - it's a bit too...
...interactive?

But if you tell him, and he's OK with it,(and you would know how likely that is, or if you think there is a way that you could use it to enliven your own sex life with your DH, then why not?

Can't see the problem about fantasising about other people, myself; seems a harmless way to inject a bit of variety, but everyone has their own comfort zones.

[sayithowitis]

Whilst I often disagree with Mal, in this instance, I tend to agree with her POV re: fantasising etc. I too find it odd that others would have sex with one man/person whilst fantasising it was somebody else, though I do get what she says about fantasies involving characters rather than individuals. But that is me. I am not saying it is wrong for others, just that it doesn't sit well with me. I do believe my DH when he tells me he doesn't fantasise about other people. I believe him because he does tell me the truth, even when he knows I won't like it. As Mal says, there has to be honesty in a relationship, especially a sexual one. Whilst I agree with sincitylover that no-one can know their partner is being 100% honest, I suppose it comes down to whether you trust them to be honest. I trust my DH. If I couldn't trust him after being together for over 30 years, and married for 27 of them, it would be a very sorry excuse for a marriage.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Agree with SGB and DDG
Maleficience
Your relationship obviously works for you. But the level of 'intimacy' and 'sharing' that you espouse might as well bring me out in hives. It makes me feel ill.

I love my DH 100% but can fantasise about other people. He wouldn't mind if I explored my lesbian side (although it's pretty insignificant) and I have fantasies that I wouldn't want to share with anyone - that's not the point!

Your level of connectedness does not make your relationship better, just different, and many people would hate a relationship like yours, just as you would hate a relationship like other peoples'.

[SolidGhoulBrass]

Mal, please once and for all get over the idea that your way of relating to your partner is automatically and inherently better than what other consenting adults choose to do. Because it isn't. It's just different.
What works for one couple is fine for them, but other people can be just as happy doing things differently. I have known swinging couples whose relationships have lasted as long as, if not longer, than yours, for instance.

BTW, are you familiar with a writer called Maria Isabel Pita (and boy is that surname appropriate)?

[sincitylover]

Forgive me for being cynical but I still can't understand how you can be 100% sure that he is not lying and tells you everything.

[Dumbledoresgirl]

oh Mal, stop trying to make us fantasisers feel bad! Everything you say provokes a response in me but I keep holding back from replying because I do not want to discuss my sex life online (unlike some).

But really, honestly, truly, believe me, fantasising is perfectly normal and does not mean anyone is with the wrong partner. My dh is perfectly aware that I fantasise. I imagine he thinks I am thinking of some actor or another but I am very rarely doing so and even if I am, I am fantasising about an imaginary situation with them, not about them per se, and it is the situation that turns me on, not the man. Dh doesn't care, as long as he is the one getting the pleasure from my fantasies!

We have been together a pretty long time too - 19 years - and we have a good relationship imo.

I am with SGB on the idea that ones thoughts are the property of oneself. I don't share my fantasies with anyone. I don't want to. They are mine and none but me shall know them. Your marriage sounds great, but so is mine, though maybe in different ways. Enough please!

[Malificence]

I know because he's told me and he wouldn't lie to me, ever - it's as simple as that.
I'm neither naive nor deluded, he tells me everything, I would rather be hurt by the truth than hurt by a lie.
You have to understand that we have been together for 27 years since we were 17, there is nothing we don't know about each other.
I still can't quite get my head around the fact that people are able to think about someone else other than their partner when having sex, I find it astonishing in fact,
I'm obviously naive in that respect.
Role play I can understand because it's about a character and not a person but thinking about an actual live person would indicate to me that you aren't really into your partner, if that makes sense.
I can fantasise about a "cruel master" ( I know TMI) but its still my husband.
He knows that I'm getting off on him treating me like a lowly housemaid there for his pleasure or whatever and even though it's my fantasy he takes it seriously plus he really enjoys the power exchange too, I'm pretty forceful in real life.
Both partners need to be full involved menatlly to make sex rewarding and satisfying imho.

[WartoScreamo]

Mal - how can you know that your DH has never thought about Eddie Izzard? Can anyone know 100% what the other person is thinking all the time though? I don't alway think about DH , and I'm sure he doesn't always think about me. I would be surprised if this was the case. I wouldn't ask him either.

SGB, I think you're right that our partners don't "own" our thoughts. We should be able to think about what we want. With regards to OP though, I think it's the secrecy thing that's the killer. If your DH knew about this and was happy, thats one thing. If you feel that you have do this, or anything else, behind his back, that way trouble lies.

[Malificence]

Secrecy, in any form, is a relationship killer, you've only got to read these boards to understand that.
I don't believe there should be ANY secrets within a couple, especially when it concerns something as important as your sexuality.

I know for example, that my hubby has a bit of a thing for Eddie Izzard, it doesn't faze me in the slightest because I also know that he doesn't fantasise about him while having sex with me. I don't think that just because I don't have sexual feelings towards other people that my husband isn't allowed to either. He likes Geishas, I like vampires - we ARE two seperate identities but we know each others thoughts and feelings inside out.
If you can't be 100% honest about your feelings/desires with your partner then your relationship can't be very strong.

[SolidGhoulBrass]

Nellynaemates, but again those are your boundaries, not the OP's.
But I do find the idea that having sexual fantasies or indeed different boundaries is 'disrespectful' a bit icky. Partners do not 'own' each other's thoughts and feelings, nor do they have the right to vet all communications.

[nellynaemates]

It's not DIY!! Watching porn or reading erotica is DIY, communicating directly with another person over the internet is something more.

I would be extremely upset if my DP did this, and would never contemplate doing it myself.

It's about respect IMO, we can argue about whether it's cheating or not but no matter what it is very disrespectful to your partner unless it's something you've talked about and agree to indulging in.

Sort it out, don't do it again!!

[WasBad]

the idea of reptile sex certainly would!

[SolidGhoulBrass]

Malificence, you are an extreme monogamist, as you repeatedly tell everyone. Other people's boundaries are different.
OP: Well I certainly wouldn't call it infidelity as (like others have said) there is such an element of unreality to it; you don't know if you were actually chatting to a woman, a horny trucker or a 10ft tall Acturian lizard. And quite a lot of heterosexuals wouldn't call it infidelity exactly as you were getting excited by another woman rather than another man. You know your DH best and you know, therefore, whether the possibility of you being a bit bisexual would freak him out or turn him on.

[WasBad]

[skymoo]

I'm wondering which forum it was!

[sincitylover]

Wow very impressed Mal

[Malificence]

You'd like my piccies of him in his desert combats , stripped to the waist and really tanned then{ wink}
Pity they are 20 years old!
He's still gorgeous though, just minus the six pack, Bit Pierce Brosnan, bit Richard Hammond.

[TheDevilsKnickers0nMaHead]

No, it isn't ok. It is emotional cheating imho.

But then I have had years of this happening to me so I may be slightly one sided on it.

[Dumbledoresgirl]

Any uniform does it for me

[Malificence]

DDgirl , have you actually seen the Air force uniform? it's the least sexy uniform out there!

Tantric sex, for me anyway, is about keeping a sexual connection going all the time, it doesn't have to involve shagging every minute of the day ( I would enjoy that but hubby would be a puddle on the floor).
The easiest way to introduce it is by tantric massage.
We also try and have a good long, slow session once a week, it's totally energising and I'm honestly a calmer, nicer person by far.

[Malificence]

My hubby surprised me Wasbad - I was saying how awful most porn seemed to be and he said why don't you try some gay ( as opposed to lezzie) porn because the men would be better looking!
You could always get some Petra Joy stuff, it's meant to be female friendly porn, that will open up the conversation to fantasies.
I discovered a new bit of me this year too, g-spot orgasms and the fact that I love rough sex and being dominated! My fantasies always involve being taken in hand somehow.
You could always get some black lace books or Nancy Friday - very full on.
I keep trying to encourage my husband to tell me what he wants but he says he can only just about cope with my new found sexual confidence! He's thrilled and overwhelmed in equal measure I think, I seriously freaked him out when I bought sex toys and sexy undies, SO not me.

[Dumbledoresgirl]

Well Mal, if you have a uniformed man between your sheets, of course you have no need for fantasies!

So go on then, explain tantric sex.