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Relationships

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Original poster

mothers of little boys do you think it is possible to have a good relationship

51 replies

mum2samandalex · 19/09/2009 13:32

with your son and possibly future dil/sil when they are older. I don't really get along with my mil and dh rarely speaks to her as she was very jealous and controlling. I always used to think the saying

'a son's a son until he finds a wife and a daugter's a daughter for the rest of your life'

Now after having two son's i fear its going to haunt me am i going to turn into the psycho controlling mil. I know its a long way into the future but i would love to have a good relationship with my boys and their future partner.......

OP posts:

diddl · 19/09/2009 13:46

Is hubby an only child?

Mine is & I feel that MIL competes with me for him.

She has lived her life through him and I really think she believes that he doesn´t love her now that he´s got me!!

I suppose we don´t get on.
I find her really hard work & we have nothing in common.
I suppose we don´t dislike each other, we´re just polar opposites & it was never going to be easy.

That said, we can be civil & she has never interfered.

I think some MILs have unrealistic expectations & expect too good a relationship with their DILs with little or no effort on their part.

Don´t stress yet!!

purplepeony · 19/09/2009 13:47

I think what matters is your relationship before your son gets married. How was your DHs relationship before he met you?

If it's good, then it should not change. It also depends on you- if you are possessive, jealous and intolerant the odds are that no woman is going to be good enough.

Deemented · 19/09/2009 13:51

I really hope that i can have a good relationship with DS as he grows into a man and makes his way in life.

I guess all i can do is let him know that i love him and help him feel secure that he can talk to me about anything, and that any future partner he has, i shall try and keep an open mind about. One thing, i will be honest with him though... if i don't like said partner then i will tell him so, i wouldn't expect that to put him off, but i would then treat said partner with respect ect, as that's who he's chosen to be with, and at the end of the day if he is happy then that is ultimately what matters most.

That being said, i have a fantastic relationship with DP's mum. She has been known on occasion to be quite... overpowering, but i have been able to speak to her and put my side across and it's been fine.

I'm very much of the opinion, that if i have a problem, i like to get it out in the open, sort it out, then move on. She's the same so it works well.

ToAnswerYourQuestion · 19/09/2009 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaMight · 19/09/2009 13:54

My husband's mother died before I kn ew him so no personal experience.

But, my own mother has a great relationship with my two older married brothers and their wives, and also with my single brother.

purplepeony · 19/09/2009 13:57

Deemented- I don't think you should say if you don't like a partner - unless you feel they are going to be a disaster- and I know that's subjective- or they have major chracter flaws that everyone can see except the person who is infatuated with them.

My parents had to put up with all kinds of weird and wonderful men I dated- they said who they liked but kept quiet if they didn't.

ToAnswerYourQuestion · 19/09/2009 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bronzebeard · 19/09/2009 14:02

yes I do

I like my mil and have great respect for her. We don't always agree but who does.

I have 3 sons so I hope to emulate her (and my mum who gets on with my sil)

I will try my damndest to be congenial even if I like them and odds on I'll piss one off.

bronzebeard · 19/09/2009 14:03

even if I don't like one

Lizzylou · 19/09/2009 14:03

I moved away from my family and we live fairly close to DH's Mother and Father. MIL is lovely, she can annoy me but she is a very supportive and kind person.
I have two boys and would hope that we would still be close when they get older and have their own families.
DH and his Mother get on very well, and she loves our boys too, she always says that she prefers boys anyway.
It is not something I worry about, I plan on taking MIL's lead and just being as supportive as possible without interfering, which to be fair she manages very well.

Othersideofthechannel · 19/09/2009 14:05

DH has a good relationship with his mum and so do I.
It is hard to find fault with her but she is not annoyingly perfect either!

Deemented · 19/09/2009 14:05

I meant if he asked me my opinion. I wouldn't lie to him. Or do as my own mother did, be nice as pie to their face and slag them rotten behind their backs.

pranma · 19/09/2009 17:42

I think you have to be prepared to work at the relationship very hard and if you cant say something nice then say nothing.You have the most to lose.My in-law dd's and ds's are lovely people and though I had initial reservations about d-i-l different culture and my ds was moving abroad I have come to love her dearly and get on with her whole family.Her mum and I say we are sister/friends.It's worth the effort.

piscesmoon · 19/09/2009 18:03

I think that you get the wrong view on mumsnet. Start a thread with 'I hate my MIL' and it is pages long within an hour. I saw one with 'I love my MIl' and after a few days it hadn't reached a full page! People with bad relationships like to rant and let off steam.
I get on really well with mine. My mother has a lovely relationship with my SIL and they have even been on holiday without my brother and children! I see mine without DH. We all see my MIL from my first marriage. I know lots of people who get on really well. My DS is only at the girlfriend stage but she is lovely. (She is very like me in many ways-a great reader and has the same interests).
I think that you have to work at it, my MIL has said things that people on mumsnet would take exception to-but then so does my own mother!
I am expecting it to be fine-if ever I have one-but I am expecting to give them space and to keep my opinions to myself!!

LovelyTinOfSpam · 19/09/2009 18:27

I get on fine with my MIL.

HTH

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/09/2009 18:48

mum2samandalex,

People like your MIL have always been difficult and controlling and its not personal to you. They act like this with everyone around them. I can see why your DH rarely speaks to her. They usually operate on strategies like "divide and conquer". This is all about power and control and at heart she is afraid. They can also be jealous that you have choices that she did not have.

You won't end up turning into someone like your MIL as you are two very different people with different life experiences. It is likely as well that her own parents treated her abysmally as a child; this is where such problems usually start.

Your parents treated you nicely, you likely come from a background where such toxic dysfunction and overt need to control is unknown. Its about your own attitude too. You also have insight and have seen this from the other side. Therefore you won't end up like this woman who is also emotionally damaged.

I sometimes get the impression that if a DIL does not have a good or even a civil relationship with their MIL then the DIL is somehow lacking or at fault. This is by no means the case. Problems often arise when the son cannot or will not stand up to his Mum through being conditioned to accept the outrageous behaviours the MIL displays. My MIL has lived her life through her sons to their detriment. Often the FIL in these cases has taken a backseat and is a bystander to the whole thing for want of a quiet life. This is the case with my ILs.
Their narcissism is another thing entirely!!.

I realise that most inlaws are okay and am glad to read of a good relationship that a DIL has with their MIL. But do spare a thought for those who do not because it is often not them who are to blame. These women often come up against inherent dysfunction within that family and it is very hard.

Nancy66 · 19/09/2009 18:53

My DP is an only child and I absolutely adore my MIL - she's an ageing hippy and ridiculously chilled and laid back. We've become really close and now hang out as friends too.

We're going to Paris together in a couple of weeks time!

piscesmoon · 19/09/2009 19:10

That is how it should be Nancy! It gives me hope!

Nancy66 · 19/09/2009 19:14

...although there's always a price to pay - my own mother, of course, is very jealous and snippy about our relationship!

lavenderkate · 19/09/2009 19:22

My Mil had no interest in DH until her own DH passed away. Now she is all over him like a rash, and only ever rings his mobile not house phone. 15 yrs and not a bit of interest before 2yrs ago!

Sorry, rant over!

I think especially as we have MILs like this we will make sure we arent dont ou think its as simple as that ?

2rebecca · 19/09/2009 20:41

Yes, I'm quite independant, as is my son's dad and my son is also independant. I would hate it if he was one of those clingy men who never leaves home and can't look after himself.
I'd hope he'd choose a sane woman who won't feel getting his attention is a competition but generally when he has a serious relationship I'd expect his wife to be the number one woman in his life. I feel the same about my daughter though, and I was always closer to my dad than my mum so am not sure the mother and daughter saying is much more than a cliche.

I think women who don't expect their children to find a partner they have a closer attachment to than the parental bond are a bit sad and strange.

There are alot of people out there who need to get out more (and not just visiting their younger relatives!)

cory · 19/09/2009 21:02

I get on very well with my MIL, her other DIL also gets on very well with her, both sons get on very well with her

she's basically a very nice person; everybody who meets her likes her; she wasn't going to suddenly turn into a monster from outer space on the day she acquired DILs

cherryblossoms · 19/09/2009 21:13

I get on well with my mil.

I love both my dc.

I really, really hope that neither of them end up with some awful, controlling partner who intervenes between them and their family/friends. And those types come in both sexes. Though I do think they're more prevalent/worrying with men, for some reason.

It's interesting, the dil/mil thing. Basically, there's a power dynamic in all family relationships and control of children is a big token in the power wars families play. Traditionally women have less overt power in society and a compensatory power within the family, mainly played out through control of the children.

So I really hope my ds has a partner, should he be heterosexual, who is not so messed up and lacking confidence that she plays weird games about power and access with him and any grandchildren.

Likewise the dd - though I think the conflicts with sil are more overt and less likely to be played out through the dc.

Actually, my main hope is that neither of them end up with abusive partners. It's more likely with girls/women and is actually something that really, really worries me.

piscesmoon · 20/09/2009 08:35

I think that it is all about control. Being a parent is about letting go. By they time they choose a partner and have their own children you should have totally let go and be living your own life! I can see people on mumsnet who are going to make dreadful MIL? They are the possessive ones who always talk about my baby, my DC, who expect to control every aspect of their DCs lives down to what they think and don't believe that anyone else can even tell their DC off. If you are like this when they are little it is unlikely that you are going to let go. DS then meets an independently minded woman whose ideas don't fall in with MIL, and isn't afraid to say so, and you have trouble!
I have a friend who doesn't like her DIL, she thinks that she is too controlling of her DS, and she isn't the sort she would choose as a friend-however she keeps quiet, bites her lip and makes the effort. I think that it is all about acceptance -accepting the new person into your family and accepting that you (as MIL) have no longer any control (not that you should have done in the first place once they reached 18yrs).

piscesmoon · 20/09/2009 08:36

Sorry-I don't know where the wrongly placed question mark came from!

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